SO Issues

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Whity654, Nov 18, 2020.

  1. Whity654

    Whity654 Fapstronaut

    I have been in a new relationship for around 3 months now after talking for 4/5 months, we are working really well, we have really good trust & we have been consistently communicating about any issues.

    Anyway, we met in a hotel a couple of months ago, this is the moment that made me come here, anyway- long story short, at first I couldn't get it up. I am attracted to her, I love her and I think she is amazing, but it really wouldn't work. I have always had issues with DE and only O'd 3-4 times in my life but nevertheless, this time I had ED which was even worse. In the situation she immediately got upset, I had to console her and assure her that it was me and it wasn't her, fortunately I managed to become slightly more 'awake' afterwards and rectify the cloud hanging over us. This seemed to work and now we speak about it with each other and we have agreed to try make it work and make it so I'm able to O from her input only and to try cure this ED which is not usual for me, at all.

    Anyway, now I am extremely worried that my relationship will fall off if I can't get a handle on the ED or at least the DE issues. I would really appreciate any input here or examples of possible success stories that people have had from partaking in a program.

    All in all, I just want my relationship with my SO to keep moving forward, all aspects of our relationship are perfect apart from this last piece. The ultimate goal is to O for her alone and cure this bizarre sudden ED issue.

    Please help!
    Tarsus likes this.
  2. Tarsus

    Tarsus Fapstronaut

    So how frequent is your porn use? That would be the first place to start. How often do you masturbate to porn? How long have you been doing it, and if you stopped how long has it been? I assume since you chose this site, that you're familiar with PIED (porn induced ED)?
    Whity654 likes this.
  3. Whity654

    Whity654 Fapstronaut

    I used to watch porn around 3-4 times a day and used to MO about the same amount, I don't know whether this is a large amount.
    Today is my first day quitting the habit, because my SO lives a distance from me, we have agreed that I will solely rely on her for stimuli until it cures my ED and DE.

    I'm fairly familiar with it but what scares me about PIED is the amount of time people claim it takes to reset yourself and start gaining sensitivity and strong erections again. I don't want to lose my relationship because I'm unable to perform, it's such a strange topic because the ED thing has never been an issue before, just the DE.
  4. Tarsus

    Tarsus Fapstronaut

    Yes it is. This is the cause of your sexual performance issues. I would first recommend you google and take a quick online survey regarding porn or even sex addiction (sex addiction surveys work just as well, just replace sex with porn). This will at least give you and unbiased indicator as to whether or not you're an addict.

    There's 2 possibilities here. Either you are addicted to porn, or somehow you are part of the extreme minority that is not. If you aren't, then quite simply your PIED will resolve over time as long as you do not look at porn or masturbate. You've desensitized yourself to the point that your body no longer works with real life women and only with the fantasy that porn provides.

    If you are addicted to porn, you must enter into porn recovery. There are many resources, even on this site, that explain what that entails. It's more than just abstinence. It requires work and effort to transform yourself into a man that does not turn to porn as an escape. If you do nothing other than stop, the chances of you returning to porn are a guarantee, because you're an addict.

    This forum is an amazing place for you to get help, feedback, and the truth about porn addiction. I also strongly suggest you educate yourself, starting with Once you eliminate all of your denial and accept that you have a problem, you can work to recover from it and have an amazing life filled with intimate connections with your SO and your future wife. I'm happy to answer whatever questions you may have.
    I'm not going to lie - yes, it takes time. The exact amount of time is different for everyone, but the minimum standard time is 90 dies without porn (P) or masturbating (M). There can also be no porn substitutes (P-Subs). Your brain is currently wired to chase porn. In order for your brain to rewire itself to not chase porn, you must abstain and train it to cope using healthier habits.

    Do not be afraid of the time. Anything worth doing takes a huge amount of time. People don't become successful overnight. It takes years of effort and commitment. You're 25 years old, which is an amazing opportunity to expunge porn from your life and become a man that will naturally attract women you can make a life with.
    eagle rising and Whity654 like this.
  5. Whity654

    Whity654 Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much. You have included a lot of information and a lot of resources which I can use to see genuinely how bad my addiction may of become. I do believe that I am addicted to porn as I have found that I need much 'harder' porn in order to become aroused, etc.

    The main issue which effects me is Delayed Ejaculation, this has been an issue for much of my sexually active life and I am worried that it could possibly never disappear. I have faith that my ED will cure itself in time with abstinence from depraved pornography sites, but DE not so much.

    I'm unsure if you have any experience in the DE department but any information you could help me with on that front would be great, I am determined to change for not just myself, but for the person I love who I want to fulfill and this is a significant part of that.

    Thank you again, I look forward to hearing if you have anything else to say.
  6. Tarsus

    Tarsus Fapstronaut

    I have experience with PIED but not with DE when it comes to porn use. However, I've known many men on this site that have had problems with DE. I believe the same mechanisms are at work. If you have no problem ejaculating to porn, then you have PIDE (I don't know if that's a real acronym or not, but it works). The only way to determine if your DE is related to porn or not - drum roll - is to stop watching porn. It really is that simple. Choosing to stop porn is easy. Staying off it is incredibly difficult and is what takes the work.

    I think a lot of the porn induced sexual issues we addicts experience is due to our inability to emotionally connect to our SOs. There is zero emotional connection required with porn. If we train our bodies to become aroused and O to porn, we've trained ourselves to disconnect our emotions from the physical act. When you're in a relationship with someone you care about, it's impossible to fully disconnect your emotions. Therefore, when it comes time to be sexually intimate, your brain doesn't know what to do. It's not wired for it. So it shuts down - which manifests itself as ED and DE.

    If you continue to have issues with your SO, be honest with her about your recovery and what you're doing to help yourself. There's also a way for you to help develop your emotional and sexual intimacy without actually performing - look up karezza method for that. Don't lose hope, but you must commit. Don't expect perfection, because that's impossible. I've been in recovery for over 5 years, and this is the longest streak I've managed to have during that time. Recovering from porn addiction is one of the most difficult you will ever do, but if you stick with it - even if you end up losing your girlfriend - it will be worth it in the end. Eliminate porn and addiction from your life, and you will thrive and be free.

    I do have to get off this site and get some work done, but I'm on here every day except the weekends. Start a journal in your age group so you can document your progress. It's worth it.
  7. Whity654

    Whity654 Fapstronaut

    I appreciate that & wish you luck with your work today.

    You have been a great help and I have been looking at the Karezza method which is useful. It appears that I would normally be adhering to that method naturally, providing I didn't MO at the end to finish. Either way, I think that my life and my partners life will be much happier if I abstain from all P and P-Subs.

    Hopefully the PIED and PIDE (Good usage of abbreviation you came up with there) will subside and if I focus on only interacting with my partner in that way then this will hopefully rewire me to realise that is the only chance of stimuli my body is going to get and may change my sensitivity so I thoroughly enjoy it.

    You have been a fantastic help & you are a credit to this community. I would like to ask about two other things:

    1) you mentioned a Journal, this sounds really appealing and a way of documenting my journey as well as my potential success. How do I actually go about setting this up or beginning one?

    2) Would it be deemed unethical for me to use ED-Meds in order to have sufficient fulfilling encounters with my partner in the meantime until my ED is cured or is this counter-productive?

    I know your reply may be awhile as you have to work, but thanks again! You've been brilliant.
  8. Tarsus

    Tarsus Fapstronaut

    Well, my work is shot for the morning for multiple reasons. I'll have to work to get stuff done after lunch, so here we go...
    Thanks for the kind words. I've been helped so much by others that I'm starting to find I need to give back. This community has some brilliant minds in it and is an incredible resource.
    Click on Forums at the top. Scroll to the bottom and you'll find the Reboot Logs section. Click on your age group, Ages 25-29. Click on Post New Thread, give your new journal a title, and you're off to the races. I recommend your age group simply because you'll also get a lot of support from others your age who are on the same journey, but you're obviously free to look at other journals and comment on those that connect with you. I spend most of my time in the Ages 40+ section since I'm 45 and I get a lot of amazing advice and support from men my age, but the support comes from everywhere the longer you're on the forums.
    I've not used ED meds, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt. Don't take this as gospel, but I'll share what I've heard and what I've read mixed with my own experience. ED meds are a solution to physiological problems. The older men get, the more physiological problems they have, the more popular ED meds are. If you have no problem getting and maintaining and erection with porn. If you also have no problem orgasming and ejaculating to porn, you do not have a physiological problem. Everything below your belt is working just fine. Your problem is in the brain as I explained in my previous post. Therefore, from what I've heard, there's a strong chance ED meds won't work on you for that very reason. They're targeting a problem you don't have.

    I don't think it's a question of ethics or being counter-productive, but I do think that based on what you've written thus far, the better route is to first try a natural remedy of abstinence from PM before taking drugs that may have negative side-effects and also has the unfortunate habit of burning a hole in your wallet.

    All of this requires patience. Depending on how bad it is, it may take longer. Or, you may find your sexual problems improving within days or weeks. Don't lose heart. If your issues do subside quickly, please refocus on the long game. The benefits of eliminating porn from your life far exceed sexual issues.
    kropo82, Whity654 and eagle rising like this.

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