4 days Huge congratulations @Baki Hanma you've made it! How did you do it? Please share your wisdom, we could use it
End of day 10 Another day survived. I have to confess one thing, I will do it because I assume you don't know me in real life. I have disgusting fantasies of my wife dyin so that after her death I could fuck other girls. I myself am disgusted by them. I am not imagining her death I am only thinking of what would happen after that. The fact that I have some heart pains leads me to think about my own death and then the death of close ones and then this is what comes out of it, the thing I am full of - my lust. When I was a teenager I used to imagine what would happen if my parents died and what I would do with the inheritance and the freedom I would gain. Maybe it's just the soul of a man crying out for freedom in both of those cases. But freedom doesn't come from the out side it comes from the inside. @Redemptionisrequired thank you for the encouragement Good luck!
thank you for sharing this, you are really opening up. Don’t beat yourself up too much on these thoughts, there is an inner addict voice in your head saying this, and it isn’t you. I think you just need to recognise these thoughts coming into your head and challenge them. It’s not really you, you don’t want your family to die for many many reasons more important than sex and money…you know this. the fact you can share on here and feel bad for these thoughts is a strong step, it shows you can recover I think. Personally I never wished my wife dead, but I did used to wonder/ fantasise what life would be like after she was gone. My inner addict told me that my life and time could focus on hookups, prostitutes and porn, and wouldn’t it be great!!! I know that this isn’t true, I’d be lonely, broke, isolated, sick and unhappy. That is what would happen if I followed that path. stay strong brother
Day 31 checking in today I’m just feeling pretty strong anger at the porn industry, and marketing and how it uses sex to sell. It exploits the people who are forced to do these things for a living. And it exploits the people who view it, and have their instincts and natural desires corrupted by such bullshit….to make money.
Questions to answer after crash Last relapse time place trigger: midnight to 4am on Fri night, phone in bed, read Mantak Chia book which has trigger drawings Emotion at time - numb & exhausted to all else except the little yearning for dopamine deep inside What accelerated the fall? started fishing, and shut out my conscience which was getting in the way Rationalisation used/ told myself I would just look up taoist art, then once the triggers came I just said I would look at pics of beauty, then clips on graphic sites, then told myself I should just look at whatever I wanted now as I would not do this again ( this is 'logic' I've used before and it is a total lie, trust me What boundaries were ignored? Boundary of complete detox from all and any sexual content; Boundary to never fish again; Boundary to stop fishing ( convinced myself that once you pop u can't stop - untrue, another lie, just unwilling to bear the discomfort of desire); Boundary to go onto P sites; Boundary to never look at clips: Boundary to never download; Boundary to never binge - all of these boundaries were violated Lessons Learned from relapse: how easy it is to fall; how we must have a plan for later weeks; how I can't simply walk away, we need to go through the process of recovery fully; how the taste of natural dopamine awakens the desire for more and so how we need to learn how to be satisfied & grateful with what is natural. I am at highest risk of triggers when I am dreading a task that exposes me to potential criticism. Reason for this fear of criticism is a fear of being found out for being a procrastinator and for the times I have distracted myself and others with chats etc... instead of working on my tasks. So the key is the temptation to procrastinate and so how do I reframe these temptations as opportunities to engage & raise the appraisal cortex while lowering the limbic cortex. The main opportunities are a) when I am faced with a mountain of tasks b) when I am staring a monotonous task c) when I am facing a task, the result of which exposes me to criticism d) a mix of the above When these arise ( which is daily ) I amgoing to take a do as you go approach andjust do even a little task or part of a taskrather than allowing me to goto thedistractions like social chats, surfing, etc... Use Faster- balance v crazy - blassted & brace Patterns from last few relapses After a prolonged period of abstinence, getting natural dopamine hits and my addictive brain starts looking for more and more, rather than stepping back and accepting these gifts, being grateful and rather than learning to be satisfied with nature, I seek unnatural highs all the time Over confidence in my ability to resist, feeling it's all behind me researching semen retention, when I should be concentrating on detox only for now Over confidence leading to vanity in other things like getting fitter, more muscular, etc... then becoming arrogant wanting to 'share' the object of vanity Engaging in bawdy talk in work and flirting with female colleagues Using streaming services to 'relax' getting caught out on scenes which I falsely feel confident enough to handle (but am not) Letting domestic tasks slip behind Not changing bed clothes regularly Self Pity No reward system in place What are the guidelines you need to put in place with respect to Sleep, Diet, Media Usage, Exercise and your tendency to Isolate? Sleep - 7.5 min bed before 11 At wk 4 start paring back the hours to 7 during the week with one 6 hour and two 8 hours No devices or TV after 9 Diet - lower calories a little to aim to lose 10kg in 4.5 months - slow and steady Exercise - low intensity winter base fitness training Media Usage - as above Cancel streaming services - Done Isolation - reachout to friends and family and arrange weekend meets to avoid loneliness at weeekends a) fantasy and lust are in the head, they are not in the body per se, they hijack natural sexual desire and weaponise it for insidiously egotistical purposes. Sex without lust is connecting and communicating with another human being through our bodies, it is not a mental thing, it is a physical communication, a sharing, a sort of sacrificing of the ego for vulnerability, humility, humanity. Lust and fantasy hijack this most natural of acts and subvert it, we no longer want to communicate or connect, we want to extract, exploit and manipulate. We want to 'get off' on this person or fantasy. Lust and fantasy are ego-centric, selfish, it is about the me. If anything is given it is for a selfish end-goal, always, a sort of self interested trade off. The two things could not be more dissimilar Freedom Fight and other sites recommend using BRACE when the mental urges arise. I now understand that the main purpose of this to drop out of our heads and into our body. Step out of the realm of fantasy and into the body, via our breath. So I am committing now to practice BRACE each time the urges arise b) I am a great planner. I have lists of To-Dos as long as 10 arms. This is very good, planning is good. But last night I realised that this has become a strong form of procrastination. I feel I can't get stuck in until I have every step planned out, and so I rarely get stuck in, unless it is last minute. As on humorous quote reads "If it wasn't for the Last Minute, I wouldn't get anything done". So as I use this to prevent me doing tasks, the list of open tasks grows and grows. And so now I have the barrier of the un done tasks, the barrier of the incomplete planning and the barrier of the fact that new tasks are incoming hourly. I say barrier, because these barriers keep me in my head all the time, I use them to stop dropping into my body and just doing some tasks. But worse than that, I use the insanely long list of tasks to put off getting to key reflections, prayer, retreats etc... and I use it most importantly to not be mindful, so I am building a barrier around my true self, my core, who I am. All of this keeps me in my head, where lust and fantasy live. So I am committing to do a few of things here - 1. Just do tasks as I go, even if I didn't get time to complete my planning, it may not be perfect but something is always better than nothing, and lots of somethings are way way better than nothing 2. Prioritise tasks related to spiritual and mental health, to help me drop out of my head - this is the real place that the addicted part of my brain wants to avoid - so I am going to do what it doesn't want me to do, I am going to do what my soul, intelligence and conscience want me to do instead 3. As above continue to practise BRACE to drop into the body c) As we progress on this path - pain is inevitable. Our lives and our society are über medicated to numb the pain of reality. The longer we go along this stretch the pain we avoided all our lives will reveal itself, along with the urges to medicate it. We will need to renew our decisions, sometimes daily and remind ourselves this is what we signed up for - we are here to heal and transform our pain by embracing it, so that we may truly free for the first time in our lives, and forever more. I commit to embrace the pain as it arises, remember that this is what I signed up for. I will stop running away as this is the only way to be free, stop medicating, it is ok, these are growing pains, we are growing again, like butterflies emerging from our pupae and how wonderful is that? New Triggers to avoid sexual innuendo in work flirting - this is a non-negotiable reading up on taoist semen retention streaming (if for any reason this is necessary then only when commonsense media has been applied first, but detox now should be no streaming) Trigger plan: I will dust down a trigger plan I made a year ago (not good that we are talking years when it cones to this batttle - this has to change, I need not to be writing another crash report in one year here - in fact I am committing here and now not to do so) One key trigger plan is instead of pushing it downwards, push the urge to the side and breath - clear thw mist of desire in the mind and see the light come in - a good meter of this is how clear and wonderful otherwise mundane things appear when the light is there as opposed to when the mist of desire is falling. When there are urges the ordinary is flat, borderline repulsive. However, when you clear the urge from your mind you perceive the multi-dimensional wonder in the ordinary and a sort of peace overcomes you. Go for a walk, mindful breathing, humility, slow down, chip away at tasks - what is the reward for this week? What were your Faster scale lows before each relapse? Speeding up - not being able to do tasks mindfully rather rushed and intensely with lots of stress worrying about what others might think either desiring their praise (vanity/ arrogance) or fearing their criticism as if it were some sort of torture (vanity again). All of this over a prolonged period leads to Exhaustion and Self Pity in which state the craving for the release and comfort of pmeo seems healthy. So vanity is the prelude to lust. What were the commitments to change running up to the relapse? I was on auto pilot for those weeks barely any reflections or self awareness just pain sickness stress and survival - I didn't have a plan for these type of situations - the double bind was I felt I deserved to relapse coming out of that period, while knowing that in truth epmo is not a reward that someone "deserves", but an act of self harm and so although it feels like a treat in tough times, it is in fact akin to taking poison through the eyes at the precise time that it is most harmful ( when I am already run down ) Why do you think you didn't resolve your double bind? I have a strange relationship with how I perceive my capacity to do things. Somehow my mind has me in a bind, convinced that I cannot be anything and so to spite this I stop trying. Now the simple answer here is that I'm like a spoilt child who throws their toys out of the pram when it doesn't get its way, but, while this is part of the story, there is something else, there is a deeper self contempt, probably born of the arrogance of others, a sort of mental schoolyard bully because if I am my own worst bully then no one can bully me. This bully is constantly telling me I am no good, that I'm below average academically and so can never compete in a world dominated by the academically brilliant. The truth is somewhere in between. There are great achievers whose no 1 attribute is their work ethic, not their brilliance, and there are those that are brilliant that are bums. It comes back to being grateful for what I have and doing the best I can with what I have and having the humility to accept my limitations. So be grateful for the gifts I have and the phenomenally fortunate life I live, repay this debt of gratitude with humility and hard work and accept any challenge that comes my way with gusto.
Second check in today because I don't feel very close to NoFap and the fellowship currently. Typical reset syndrome. I'm trying to suppress the fact that I failed a few days ago. @CALM IN SUFFERING @daddyG1981 I have similar fantasies sometimes
Day 26 no PMO. Feeling a little Better today. I went for a long hike with a friend and talked some things out. My wife heads out of town today for two nights so I’m going to institute my “no phone in bed at night” rule to help get me through.
Checking in Fellowship Friends! 105 Days Free of PMO. Today I reach King. I'm feeling slightly better, although my motivation is not so high. 3 more days remain for the week of challenge. I will take my time and do what I set out to do for the day. "It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinions than our own." -Marcus Aurelius Stay Strong! @LLOYYD Despite what happened, I do hope you decide to return brother. I hope you continue to move forward in your streak. As for twitter, I think your decision in stopping it is wise. 105 days You reached Henneth Annûn, a hidden refuge of the Rangers of Ithilien. You´re now the commander of army´s and ruler of hearts. People love you. “Who am i?” “You are our King, sire!”
Thank you brother. but brother I have to go long journey.. I think this will be very boring to read.In briefly year 2018 I watched first p**n video due to bad friend's advices. I didn't know it is a good or bad . But finally I addicted to p videos. I pay lot of money to get Internet cards to watch them. After several years, I realized that my problem solving skills and my strength were being decreased due to that stuff. But I couldn't manage watching p stuff. Finally I got low marks in exams . Then I considered that the darkside of porn . You know brothers, We can't stop watching p in one day. Because I was addicted to it. And finally I stopped watching p videos. But I was addicted to p games. P games are very dangerous than watching p stuffs . Because Video games are interesting and addictive. And porn also. So when the P games ( P + games ) are highly addictive than drugs. That was my silly decision so don't do that brothers. After that, On one day, I decided to stop watching p stuff. because of it, lol I watched Baki The grappler film. And I realized that Strength is the most important thing to us. And I watch lot of youtube videos about How to stop watching p. And I found information about this website. First ' I read the whole Nofap magazine. I think When we join to Nofap website , They send us it to our mail box. Finally I changed my lifestyle. I changed my vision. I watched Lot of bodybuilding Stuff instead of watching p. You know Watching Body building stuff all the day in youtube is a time wasting thing but finally I survived my first day . Wow it was a huge victory for me. After that I joined small Gym due to financial problems. Working out is not only help my body but also in Nofap. After that I reduced watching Yt videos daily. And I thought What do i do in My future . I followed some courses too. Another Big help was ZYZZ brah's motivational videos. I watched them and I thought Why did I slave to this free P stuff. I always worked with my sister. So that I didn't have enough time to watch P. And This is my story in short. Final words , Keep Playing the Game. Never give up brothers
@CALM IN SUFFERING @daddyG1981 @PeaceOnEarth108 Guys, be realistic! Probability that you'll die sooner than your wife is much higher. I worked in insurance company for 4 years. Trust me. People want equality, but nature and statistics show that insurance pricing for men and women should be different. My boss joked that if I want to die together with my wife, I should get seven years older than me. Hm... Maybe that's not too bad - to be a sugar baby to some very rich older woman. Summa summarum, you are doing really louzy job selling me marriage right now. Jokes aside, I thank you for your honesty. Addicts are often compulsive liars. Honesty, stopping lies (especially to ourselves) is what pushes us to progress. You seem to be realising this too.
back to 0. It's ok. Was not to hardcore P. I am able to set the filter level on covenant eyes. I had it set to normal. I searched for stuff on youtube. Found some soft stuff and mo'd to it. Lesson learned. I set it to strong blocking. It puts restriced mode on youtube and other things. I took it off. The strong blocker stayed on for awhile after I changed it. I will have to see if I can't get the account admin to set himself as the filter manager. Hopefully the fact that it takes awhile to turn it off will be enough to keep me away until I can get somebody else as filter manager. I can't change it. Have to get ahold of my account admin. I won't be seeing family again for a couple months. I might have to avoid talking to them on the phone for awhile too. They are very triggering for me. I need comfort after talking to them or spending time with them. My weekend with them was a major cause of this fall. I need to pray that God heal what my family did to me. I know he will. Was watching a podcast on youtube the other day. Talked about the importance of a half hour of silence every day. If I am going to make any habit, that should be the one to make. I am going to start doing that today. This has to stick. Maybe I can eventually make it longer.
