The Most Important New Years Resolution I've Ever Made

My 93rd Day

Had a rough day, I need to start getting over this girl. I think she's amazing but she's toying with me text wise (unless she just doesn't realize the vibe she's giving via text)

I asked if we were hanging out and she said maybe tomorrow but I doubt it. It sounded like she was just setting up an excuse saying she's busy. Even if she wants to hang out tomorrow it doesn't feel like she's really invested at all. And that's what hurts. So I should shut her down if she says let's hang out, but that's immature because that's just me playing the game that I hate that I think she's playing.

A rejection would help me get over this but not knowing is driving me nuts. I don't want to think about her at all but I am. Im not even thinking about her but I went through my day feeling deflated and down as if I were just rejected. But because I haven't been yet, it makes the deflation last longer.

And before anyone says "just get over her bro" or "stop obsessing over one girl" recognize that I just want to vent and you don't need to tell me to suppress my feelings.

 

My 94th Day

Thanks crispy.

I'm so fucking stupid. She asked me what time to hang out today and I fucking blew her off. I didn't want to play this game and I am. I could literally be having a blast with her now. And instead I fucked up by saying maybe some other time, sorry I made plans. Im so upset because this was in my control and I just removed myself from that circle of influence. In so upset I can't just calm the fuck down and stop worrying about this. In fucking letting every little thing she does ruin my whole day. I feel very low. Like a loser. I have never wanted an escape more than I do now. I'd watch tv and shit but my laptops dead. This is so unhealthy.

My friend just invited me to blow some money at the local casino. That should be awesome

 

Dude a little encouragement goes a long way. Thanks Adam, I appreciate you saying that. Hopefully she still wants to go out. Actually, fuck that. I don't care what she says. Well I do, but I need to stop thinking and obsessing. Its so unhealthy. It's her lack of texting that makes me question every move. But I'm glad I didn't go back and text her changing my mind. I woulda looked weak.

Completely had her off my mind at the casino. Made 25 bucks! I'm a better place now.

 

My 95th Day

In a much better place today. I stopped obsessing over her and I'm going to stop talking about her non stop.

Work was pretty chill. I had a ton of very sexual dreams last night. One part I was literally humping every (over 30) girl in sight. I even was about to get a blowjob but when it started I was so disappointed because I didn't feel that wetness (because I wasn't actually getting a blow job in real life lol). Strange it wasn't a wet dream.

About to volunteer with kids which should be super fun as usual.

Also of the 6 teaching programs I applied to, I got interviews to all of them. I am pretty stoked about that. The interviews are the next two days so that should be exciting.

 

And at last I got the text message from that girl that I've been hoping for. She totally apologized for being a terrible texter and asked if we could get together this weekend. I'm pretty happy about that and I'm also pretty happy I learned how to get through a day where her actions don't determine my emotions. In happy but not over the top ecstatic. I'm more stable now and that's a better place to be when meeting a new person =)

 

My 96th Day

So unfortunately that girl sent a long text saying that she thinks I'm an awesome guy and that we really get along well but that she's too recently out of a emotionally intense relationship to do dating type stuff. I'm a little bummed but she asked to be friends which I'm cool with because we did have an awesome conversation. At least now she's not taking forever to text lol

So it just occurred to me that now I'm not pursuing someone anymore and I want to be. I'm going to make a good friendship out of this, and maybe that'll turn into something when she's ready, but right now I'm not pursuing anyone. And that's a little frustrating because it feels so goal-less.

I'm opposed to dating sites so I guess I just have to keep looking in my everyday life and start going out.

But a week ago I felt like I had 3 options that is now dwindled to none. One I wasn't interested in so I ended it. One had a boyfriend but now we're really good friends (because of an amazing conversation). And this girl that I really had my eye on is not emotionally available even though she hinted at how compatible we are (aka we would work if she was in a better place).

I'm feeling alright. A bit dulled, but optimistic.

 

True true. Adding genuine friends is always a good thing. And this may work out in a few months for all I know but I can't stay hung up on it.

 

I got accepted to my first teaching position!!!

 

I think it's best to avoid nudity for as long as possible And GoT has a TON of it. Also we can't think of it as 90 days - I'm cured.

 

My 100th Day

Had a fun day yesterday. Upbeat day at work. Was productive. Talked to my best friend on the phone for an hour and I haven't talked to him in months. Ran into that girl for the first time since she said we should be friends and had a great conversation. Had two good friends come over and visit me so that was nice. Went to a big party afterwards and I drank way to much which I'm regretting now. Wish I stopped halfway because I embarassed myself towards the end.

Find myself thinking about this girl all the time. Its hard for me to move on since I'm still really into her. I saw her at this party and we had an amazing conversation. I really want to be with her argh this is frustrating. Because I still get really excited to see her but I'm trapped because we can't progress to a relationship. I'm hoping that maybe we get close enough where she can talk about where she is emotionally. Then I can gauge if she might be ready for something in a month or two.

Oh yeah something else happened yesterday. I wanted to hear a song so I opened the music video for it. The singer was wearing a see-through shirt and I couldn't look away. I was mesmerized. I finally closed it but I really thought about how bad that was for me. My heart was beating a bit faster. It really fucked with my head. And I also started getting brain fog and feeling agitated immediately to follow. It took 20-30 minutes before I was ok again but it could have ruined my day. I realized from this that I can't watch game of thrones. It's just way too triggering and I can't count on myself to reliably look away every time.

At 100 days I'm pretty far removed from porn and masturbation. Interestingly enough, I've gotten super used to not masturbating but I still need more time away from porn to feel the same. Triggers and psubs like I saw yesterday are present eveywhere and its easier to accidentally view it without expecting while it is not possible to accidentally masturbate.

Good to know that there is still room to grow and learn even at 100 days!