The way I feel about porn/masterbation does anyone else agree also please help!

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by emily 291810, Jan 3, 2017.

Is masterbation ok if you are not getting sex from your partner? (even if asked to have sex)

  1. yes its ok

    0 vote(s)
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  2. no its not ok

    4 vote(s)
    100.0%
  1. emily 291810

    emily 291810 New Fapstronaut

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    Hello.

    In my relationship there is a battle going on with porn. I do not like it and know how damaging it can be, my boyfriend on the other hand does not see it and worse won't even hear me out. He will let me speak, but doesn't actually hear what I am saying.

    The fact is that I have even compromised, by saying the following statement (Also I believe this to be correct): I have noticed in my life that when person or persons in a relationship watch porn (this also includes masturbation and toys) its because there is no or very little attraction to the person you are with. This is judging off of people who don't care for porn, however at some point in there relationship things (attraction) has changed and the porn, masturbation, and toys get in the way.

    My boyfriend uses the fact that everyone looks at people on the street, as being the same as seeking out porn etc. I believe that it is not even close. If you find someone you happened to see outside or say they hit on you, you did not seek it out it just happened that way. When its porn,masturbation, or toys you are making that choice, you are seeking out someone or something else to get you aroused.

    The biggest thing I am struggling with is that I don't understand why he doesn't get how there is a huge difference in the two.

    He says that everyone does it, which in many ways is correct, doesn't make it right though. However when he says this he also puts in the fact that I'm the fucked up on for going against the cultural norm. Its silly because if it were anything and i mean anything else about western cultural he would agree that its outrageous, but for whatever reason he holds on to this as if I'm asking him to commit suicide (its crazy and i don't understand it).

    If anyone has any ideas on how I could possibly approach differently please help its greatly appreciated.

    Also we have fought many times on this and he has said that he will fix it. I came to find out from him that he masturbated, and hasn't really stopped watching porn or looking up women. It feels like a giant slap in the face. I trusted him to stop and I got nothing but a big FU!

    Please Help, Thank you.
     
  2. Leave him. You can and must do better. You don't love him, you need him. That need you have, is allowing him to disrespect you, and have you around for convenience sake. Tough truth. But it's the truth that will set us free
     
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  3. outedskeleton

    outedskeleton Fapstronaut

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    Obviously, this isn't the truth. There is no way to know what you say is true based off the information in Op's post. Telling someone to leave their SO and that they don't love them is assuming, to say the least.

    @emily 291810 I've been where your bf is; believing porn is ok and everyone views it. I had this argument with my wife many times in the early years of our marriage. I was in complete denial. Unfortunately, I had to hit some pretty bad lows to realize the pain I caused. I hope your bf never goes there. I don't believe most guys will. But, for many that view porn habitually and are in a relationship, there are usually negative consequences; whether it's decrease attractions to their real partner, desire to explore outside of normal bounds, increased objectification, or complete inability to sexually perform.

    You have a right to your objections to his use of outside stimulation for his own sexual gratification. I don't know that he will see your point of view, but letting him know that his actions hurt you and effect your relationship negatively may be enough to at least start a better dialog.
     
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  4. mreffinsunshine

    mreffinsunshine Fapstronaut

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    I don't necessarily believe this is true. While maybe that might be your perspective, I can say that in the time that I've been coming to grips with my addiction, I was with several women. A couple relationships, a couple not. But I was always attracted to them very much. The problem arises from the fact that we've made seriously unhealthy connections in our brain and major rewiring has occurred because of porn, and how we are able to participate in sexual relationships is very unhealthy. It's one of the big reasons I came here and am taking the journey I am, because I want to be able to engage in healthy romantic relationships with the women that I find attractive.

    Now, I'm not saying that's always the case. Someone who is seeking an out in their current relationship or who isn't entirely happy may turn to other outlets for their satisfaction. It depends on how much and often your SO engages in these other outlets, and if that is having truly negative impacts on your emotional and physical connections with them. And as far as him defending this as the "cultural norm" well...that's just an excuse.

    Is it possible to look at porn and not have any lasting negative effects? Sure. But those of us who have had seriously debilitating outcomes from watching it and becoming addicted to it are taking the stand to go AGAINST the cultural norm, because it IS unhealthy. Society being spoon fed pleasure and voyeurism isn't how we were meant to live as human beings. And if your SO is crossing the boundary into having a serious problem...then it's time to re-evaluate some things. I hope for the best for you guys.
     
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