There are no superpowers. - My story (journal entry).

I had been doing PMO for more than 10 years now. I look back at all those hours lost and all the things I could've done with my life.

I don't know how bad it was in the beginning, I assume very mild, I was just a kid. I only remember it eventually became a daily occurrence probably 7 years ago. And when it got to almost 10 times a week (maybe 5 years ago), I knew I had to cut it down. So I started trying, I brought it down to maybe 5 days a week and from then the progress has been VERY slow. 3-4 days a week around 3 years ago, and 1-3 days a week between 2016 and 2018.

I got scared, a lot. I wasn't interested in women as much as before, my erections were not that hard or frequent as before, and I was always tired. But the thing that really scared me was the idea of addiction. Why couldn't I just stop? It was controlling me, so this year I decided to treat it like I've never done before, like an addiction. But I'm happy now, because I'm leaving it behind.

I know there are many women who suffer from addiction to PM, but the only perspective I've ever had is mine, and that is the one of a man. Therefore, I'm addressing all men out there, the ones who struggle, the ones who haven't committed to this endeavor and the ones who haven't fallen into the trap of this sick world so that they never do.

I was always the smart kid in class. I never felt strong, I actually felt weak, weaker than everyone else, even when I wasn't. I never thought I could stand a fight with anyone less so have the courage to even try. So I just kept my head down and thankfully I was never bullied. That didn't change the fact that I kept my head down literally, so my posture was bad. I played a lot of video games and used the computer a lot, so that didn't help either.

Everything started to change slowly in middle school when I became more serious and passionate about sports. I was still the same shy and scared teen, but maybe just healthier and with a bit more confidence and self-esteem. I even noticed my classmates would respect me more. When I went into high school I stopped practicing sports for a while. I met my current fiancée there, and we've been together since then. I eventually got back into sports when I was in university because I was getting to out of shape.

Something that I can say is that I never really felt like “a man”. And I don't mean I felt like a boy, I mean I never really thought of myself as being very different from women (or other men for that matter). And I did like women, they would drive me crazy as a teen and I've always been exclusively heterosexual. I just didn't feel “manly”. And oh boy, I feel so virile now. But it wasn't JUST due to NoFap, it was probably two or three years ago (when I got back into sports), that I started to understand and embrace my masculinity. I've never felt better in my life and don't get me wrong, NoFap has been a hugely important factor in that.

I've been trying NoFap (PMO) for almost two months now: I started noticing changes in my life. I was more motivated, I had more energy, fewer cravings for sugar or junk food. I felt less stress. After the first 10 days I started getting morning erections again every day, sometimes even for 40 minutes straight and hard as a rock. My balls are heavier now, and they hang lower, therefore even if they are not they do feel bigger. This makes me want to sit differently in order to be comfortable, I walk differently, with better posture. My penis is thicker and longer when flaccid and when erect it is the same size, but always rock-hard. I'm always more confident, happier.

All women drive me crazy again. I see them as beings of extreme beauty, human beings to dedicate our entire lives to, making a family and living for them. Every day, it is harder for me to think about them as just objects for sexual pleasure like pornography portrays them. I'm slowly but constantly getting rid of all that garbage inside of my mind.

Recently it's been hard for me to keep doing sports for other reasons (availability, time, money, etc), so I started to go to the gym to keep in shape. I never liked the gym, and I certainly don't love it now, but I like it. Before NoFap, I could barely wake up at 7:30 using like 5 different alarms, to get to class at 9:00. And then I was constantly falling asleep in the morning and felt tired the entire afternoon. Now I'm able to wake up naturally at 5:30 (with an iron boner, of course) even before my alarms go off, I go to the gym 6-7 and come back to get ready for school. I never feel tired at the gym and my physical performance is great. I'm losing fat and gaining muscle and I've never felt stronger or looked better.

Just like my fiancée, I'm waiting until marriage for sex, but now I'm way more confident about it. I was always worried about everything. My height, my body, my penis size, my physical and sexual performance, etc. Now I'm not worried at all. I just want to focus in being the best man for her and making her happy. Being responsible, kind and loving. Being a good father for my children and helping them achieve their dreams.

WHY DO I SAY THERE ARE NO SUPERPOWERS? Because this is what men are meant to be. We are strong, courageous, fertile, disciplined, chaste, responsible, kind, caring, protectors. All the “benefits”, the physical and psychological “powers” I'm having now are just normal traits of every man. Of course if you live 10 years of your life trying to walk with shackles, you will feel like you can fly once you get rid of them. But guess what? You're just running again, like back then when you were free from sin.

I feel ashamed of saying this, but today I'm back at 15 days and I don't recall abstaining from PMO for this long ever. Let this be my first milestone to regain control over my life again and prepare for an eternal vow. Even if no one reads this, I want to make a public commitment to the NoFap community. I know I might fall again, but let it not be in vain, I will learn from my mistakes, pick myself up and start again as may times as necessary. (BTW, I have a relapse tracker if you're interested. It's an in depth analysis of every relapse, to help me gather information to avoid the next one. This way, every relapse just makes me stronger instead of less motivated)

I want to thank the community because I've never been so hopeful about the future. I want to thank everyone in my life that has helped me with this struggle even if they never noticed. But specially I want to thank God, all the angels and saints and our Blessed Mother for guiding my soul towards purity of heart and mind. May God bless you all.

 

Welcome and good luck. If you ever need help, have questions, feel alone o anything, please feel free to contact me.