Three weeks and counting

Hello everyone.
Here is some backgound of my story, in second post I will write how I feel after 22 days of noFap

I am very shy person, and also I had, and still have some issues with my mental health. That issues started when I was about 8 yo, I was diagnosed with OCD and Tourettes (motor and vocal tics). So you can only imagine my strugle at school. I become very unsecure, low self esteem, anxiety and other things that comes with that. I think that was one of the reasone why I feel in a black hole of porn. I dont count curiosity of teen age, for me thats normal. Hormos go up to stars xD


Anyway I started with collecting pictures of half naked women from magazines and masturbate on that when I was 12 or 13 maybe even younger . Later I started to secretly search for porn on TV, after that when I have got internet I started to feel deeper and deeper. I was searching for porn pictures on computer. A tones and tones of pictures. Also I have to say that from begging I had problem with pre-ejaculation (while I was watching pictures of naked women, without even touching myself) I am very sad to say that still happen, even after 2 or 3 min. I was searching for pornstars for hours I was so obsessed. I masturbated 2 or 3 times a day, and sometimes not even 1 hour passed from masturbation and I would start it all over again. Later I started to watch porn, but I was never interested in porn, I mean on whats happening before F . I was just scroll till some scene that make me horny for 10-30 sec so I can ejaculate. I forgot to say that I have a bad habbit to always have my hands in pants and touching my D.

I have to say that I could be in bed and just stroke it even if my D was not hard. I would stroke it for few sec than I would feel strong will to ejaculate, but I would stop my D would go dead, and I will repeat that over and over again. While searching for perfect picture or porn scene so I can ejaculate.

Last 2 years was rlly bad for me. I had problem with my tics, I finish university so I didn’t go out, I was hope depressed, with anxiety totally unsocial. I have to say I was never too religic, BUT that hard times helped me to get hope in God’s will. I understand all that struggles are there for my good. Im Orthodox Christian and I started my jurney of changes. Now for more than half year im don’t fasting (not eating animal food, eggs and milk on Wednesday and Friday) and also for some long period (for example before Easter or like right now before Christmas) that’s longer fast and sometimes they could be 6 weeks long (like this one for Christmas). Anyway fasting gave me strength to fight my MO and PMO. When I started long fast (4 weeks long) I gave up M for 7 days. At day 7, while I was in shower I clean my D and I just couldn’t stand anymore so I ejaculated. I don’t need to say that after that I relapse and fail almost half of fast. After that there was another fast (2 weeks) and I somehow manage not to M. Dude 14 days ! My longest streak. But when day 15 started I just explode and M several times a day.

Now I am on fast again this time 6 weeks, BOY. I found this site several days ago. I know it will give me strength to keep going. I am at day 12 now, and I have to say that it was struggle. I do noFap, and sometimes I touch myself (keep hands in pants). Also I found something new, idk is that relapse. Sometimes my D get hard, and I don’t stroke it I just stretch the prawn to the end, and my D get hard Its like stretching urself, I stretch my D and I get horny, BUT never stroke it. Just go extra hard and hold it for few seconds. When I do that I pre ejaculate, but never go that far to cum. So that’s how I manage to do noFap. I know its not good but I would like to know does anyone does that and how to stop doing that.

My OCD and Tourette hit me hard at that time. I am not confident with women, very shy and unsecure. I am fighting all that, and try to get better. I see noFap solution for my sexual life, also now in any bad thing that happen I see something good, try to stay positive. I would like to see your thought on my story guys. Feel free to reply. Also I never say this to anyone, so I tried to be as honest as I could be.

 

Currently I am at day 23 NoFap. I had some days when I was horny as F, but still somehow didnt fap. Instead I play with myself like a masage (I didnt stroke) without any stimulation. Also I would go extra hard and hold it for few sec. About 10 days ago I found something on net about pre cum. And I started with normal kegel exercises, today I started reverse kegel. While I was doing that I was tottaly wet as F. I didnt watched naked pictures than, but I fell short today and I looked at some pictures of girls in bikini on instagram. And I did same strong hold few times (just like normal kegel exercise) While I was looking at picture on instagram I felt like when I was watching porns (looking for perfect girl for hours... so sad) Before that I would do full hard long hold every time when I went to toilet. I was going crazy, even taking pictures of my D wtf oO. }

This is what was positive changes after 12 days (when i wrote my first post)

- I am much happier

- Risk much more

- Feel more pure

- My eyes shine more

- I fight my mental problems much easier

After 22 days I fell in some kind of depression. Had problems with sleep, that leads to more tics, more anxioty, I lost will to do something cuz I tic too much, I dont go out much (just when I need)

Im holding my hands in pants more, and I am more obsesed with my D cuz its very hard. Even more after kegel exercise, cuz I go wet with precum and that makes me even more horny. But I didnt go all the way at the bottom. I think thats because of fast. If its not this time of the year I would totally go back to old things. But I feel totally pathetic when I have strong urge to fap. All because I would watch pictures of scene for hours just to find perfect girl to cum after 5-10 sec of watching. I dont want that I want to have sex with girl !!! not with hand anymore !!!

After all I feel big energy and very strong sex drive. I could go hard for half day...
I am at the dark place atm, so I came here for ur help. I know I would somehow go full fast without faping ( if I dont cum by accident while hording kegel) But what after that....

Anyway sorry for my bad writing and not that good english, I really hope that u understood me