Today is my 8th month of NoFap how long have you gone?

Boyish 123 said:
Great .. I wouldlike to hear your story as an inspiration
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Hi boyish, I don't know if you were taking to the op or to me but either way I'll put my story here and anyone else who wants to I think it's a great idea.
I always start with what it was like in active addiction and it occurs to me that although I don't feel much shame or trigger about this stuff anymore someone else might so if you're easily triggered there's no need to read any of this past you can skip to another one :)
I started with masturbation at an early age, I know sexual play and sexual fantasy started by six but not sure when real masturbation started. When it did it was an average of slightly more than once a day including to get to sleep, thought no one knew but they did, and every once in a while I used pornography opportunistically. Find some with my best friends in a hotel room in a school trip, they got bored and I didn't understand how that was possible so I took it and masturbated in the corner, not sure if they knew because they were looking for soft core on the TV which also made no sense to me, this is by ten. Got ahold of a guys stash on VHS, used it till the tape broke :). So it's clear I reacted differently. Take the second sorry, if he acted that way with pornography there wouldn't have been a stash they'd all have been broken :).
Got a lot more pornography when I got internet and at the same time my fellow college students were walking outside my dorm all day so voyeurism started. Trespassing in public buildings to masturbate in the restrooms and locker rooms had been going for years and got even more extreme. Much more extreme, somehow never got in trouble. Kind of glad that I got to surrender myself, I realized when talking to a fellow pm+ addict yesterday that if it's gotten in terrible one of two bad things would have happened: I would have tried to stop in order to not get in trouble or if they told me it was wrong I, knowing already that it was, would have gotten rebellious and lastly acquiesced but as soon as they weren't looking gone and done worse. There a lot like that that I'm grateful it didn't get worse but I had that feeling really and knew years ago that it is a program thing to hang one's hat on what terrible things I didn't do :). Anyways, I had tried many things to stop over this same time: therapy, accountability and getting honest, religion, getting married etc and none of it made a drop in the ocean. Rock on like that, things got worse especially in my thoughts. The behaviors were getting exponentially worse such as stealing to act out, but the thoughts were getting worse along a power function, ie even faster. Something that was in between a thought and an action was pornography, I noticed after all those years that I was watching pornography that I honestly didn't want to see. I didn't understand how that was possible now I do. Just like I didn't understand how I could truly love my wife and still do these things that clearly went against real love of anyone, my wife the sex workers in the porn, my self... I couldn't crack that riddle but I found the answer later. Anyways about the thoughts, and it occurs to me again that my experience could be triggering, if your sobriety is based on not being triggered then this won't help but I know that many many people struggle with what I struggled with so sharing can help. I met people who did that and it did me a world of good to know that others had the same problem and had found a solution, that not only was I not the only one but I wasn't going to have to die that way I could get free if I did what they did. I had already had sexual fantasy about behaviors that if I had done them it would have been illegal, and somehow I didn't really notice that, I guess because those fantasies came and went over the years so it was easy to ignore them it that they had ever crossed my mind when I had relief and wasn't obsessed. That word obsessed is useful, I use it for "thoughts I don't want that intrude into my mind and I know aren't good or true but can't seem toget rid of". After years of active addiction and trying all those ways to stop for many hours each week I was broken by sexual thinking about my daughter. I've met people who assumed that having those thoughts meant I acted on them so for that reason I'll make it clearer (I think it's clear but addicts tend to hear what was not said) :) that I never had to do any such thing. It did light a fire under my ass to get real recovery, the kind that can last longer than my lifetime because I can't afford any thing other than sobriety :) you know you read about stuff like this on this site a lot and that shift from just having the same problem to is there a solution is really important. I can say that there definitely is, I know lots of people just as sick as me who have been sober for years longer than me. Any idiot can do it but smarties maybe not :). Another nice thing to know is that there's a lot of room for progress: that intrusive thought recurred many times and was extremely uncomfortable over the years but it didn't take but a few years to see a big difference, every year those sexual ideas are more and more removed for me. That's my experience, I know it's helped at least one person :)
 
Randy Andy said:
Hi boyish, I don't know if you were taking to the op or to me but either way I'll put my story here and anyone else who wants to I think it's a great idea.
I always start with what it was like in active addiction and it occurs to me that although I don't feel much shame or trigger about this stuff anymore someone else might so if you're easily triggered there's no need to read any of this past you can skip to another one :)
I started with masturbation at an early age, I know sexual play and sexual fantasy started by six but not sure when real masturbation started. When it did it was an average of slightly more than once a day including to get to sleep, thought no one knew but they did, and every once in a while I used pornography opportunistically. Find some with my best friends in a hotel room in a school trip, they got bored and I didn't understand how that was possible so I took it and masturbated in the corner, not sure if they knew because they were looking for soft core on the TV which also made no sense to me, this is by ten. Got ahold of a guys stash on VHS, used it till the tape broke :). So it's clear I reacted differently. Take the second sorry, if he acted that way with pornography there wouldn't have been a stash they'd all have been broken :).
Got a lot more pornography when I got internet and at the same time my fellow college students were walking outside my dorm all day so voyeurism started. Trespassing in public buildings to masturbate in the restrooms and locker rooms had been going for years and got even more extreme. Much more extreme, somehow never got in trouble. Kind of glad that I got to surrender myself, I realized when talking to a fellow pm+ addict yesterday that if it's gotten in terrible one of two bad things would have happened: I would have tried to stop in order to not get in trouble or if they told me it was wrong I, knowing already that it was, would have gotten rebellious and lastly acquiesced but as soon as they weren't looking gone and done worse. There a lot like that that I'm grateful it didn't get worse but I had that feeling really and knew years ago that it is a program thing to hang one's hat on what terrible things I didn't do :). Anyways, I had tried many things to stop over this same time: therapy, accountability and getting honest, religion, getting married etc and none of it made a drop in the ocean. Rock on like that, things got worse especially in my thoughts. The behaviors were getting exponentially worse such as stealing to act out, but the thoughts were getting worse along a power function, ie even faster. Something that was in between a thought and an action was pornography, I noticed after all those years that I was watching pornography that I honestly didn't want to see. I didn't understand how that was possible now I do. Just like I didn't understand how I could truly love my wife and still do these things that clearly went against real love of anyone, my wife the sex workers in the porn, my self... I couldn't crack that riddle but I found the answer later. Anyways about the thoughts, and it occurs to me again that my experience could be triggering, if your sobriety is based on not being triggered then this won't help but I know that many many people struggle with what I struggled with so sharing can help. I met people who did that and it did me a world of good to know that others had the same problem and had found a solution, that not only was I not the only one but I wasn't going to have to die that way I could get free if I did what they did. I had already had sexual fantasy about behaviors that if I had done them it would have been illegal, and somehow I didn't really notice that, I guess because those fantasies came and went over the years so it was easy to ignore them it that they had ever crossed my mind when I had relief and wasn't obsessed. That word obsessed is useful, I use it for "thoughts I don't want that intrude into my mind and I know aren't good or true but can't seem toget rid of". After years of active addiction and trying all those ways to stop for many hours each week I was broken by sexual thinking about my daughter. I've met people who assumed that having those thoughts meant I acted on them so for that reason I'll make it clearer (I think it's clear but addicts tend to hear what was not said) :) that I never had to do any such thing. It did light a fire under my ass to get real recovery, the kind that can last longer than my lifetime because I can't afford any thing other than sobriety :) you know you read about stuff like this on this site a lot and that shift from just having the same problem to is there a solution is really important. I can say that there definitely is, I know lots of people just as sick as me who have been sober for years longer than me. Any idiot can do it but smarties maybe not :). Another nice thing to know is that there's a lot of room for progress: that intrusive thought recurred many times and was extremely uncomfortable over the years but it didn't take but a few years to see a big difference, every year those sexual ideas are more and more removed for me. That's my experience, I know it's helped at least one person :)
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Really useful thread, congrats . I'm on day 57
 
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