Trans and Sissy porn has hijacked my life, is it too late to return?

[Jamie_K]

My name is James, but I have gone by the effeminate form "Jamie" for the past 5+ years. I discovered porn in junior high school, and almost immediately was drawn to transgendered person porn --- I saw it and I was hooked --- totally, fully, and undeniably hooked. I was hooked for two very obvious reasons: that the "girls" were tiny pretty femme boys like me and, also, that real hunky virile men really got into making love to them. Finally, a place for a small, very tiny and petite, brown-skinned and smooth Asian femme-boy like me.

As a boy growing up I was always the smallest, the frailest, and the most timid. Girls didn't find me attractive, but I was so very drawn to them, I found them VERY alluring --- yet I think I found their clothes and hair and styles and flirting-skills to be what I focused on in adolescence.

I was just starting to get interested in girls and sex and all those adolescent questions we have in general when I suddenly found that stunningly captivating transgendered person porn. From the start, I watched it for 8 to 12 hours a day, and it had a massive impact on my grades (lower), homework (rarely done), friendships (alienated), and overall social activity. I stopped growing in my 2nd yr in High School, never taller than 5'0" and never heavier than 108lbs. I never was picked for any sports in gym class. I was alone and alienated.

So there I was: tiny, lightweight, very skinny, lightly brown-skinned, and very effeminate, and I just discovered Trans porn and especially the subset called "ladyboys". I could see I was as pretty and as soft and as smooth as any of the ladyboys online. And there were so MANY of them! It seemed to me that the very natural choice for someone like me --- both my ethnicity and stature --- was to make the obvious choice of being a pretty "lady boy".

All the guys I grew up with actually grew up --- they were tall, they developed muscles and facial hair and deep voices. They were huge --- everyone was bigger than me. The girls were the same, they grew taller than me and larger. There was only one other person --- another Asian girl --- in my entire high school of 4,000 students that was tinier than me. It was awful. I was so alone.

So, here I was in high school, right at the very time I was deciding to go "compete" with way-more masculine guys in the pursuit of girls, I realized with "ladyboy" and transgendered person porn that I could actually compete more successfully --- way way more successfully--- with many of the girls in my High School --- I knew I could. I was quite able as I was tinier, cuter, and I knew I could dress way sexier. All those girls were almost ALL bigger and heavier and I knew I could be a prettier girl --- zero doubts.

So, quietly at home, I shaved every last part of my body and, over time, I grew my hair to about shoulder length --- and I went to school wearing my normally androgynous but now ever-increasingly feminine styles. I started wearing a tiny bit of makeup, and plucked my eyebrows and, after a few months, had both ears and my tongue and naval pierced. One weekend I wore a dress and heels to a club, added a bit of makeup, and BANG --- my love life changed. I had 6 guys hit on me in one night. I was popular for the first time ever. That night I was finally romantically kissed ---- for the first time ever --- by a really hot stud college guy from Rice University. I fell in love.

Back in high school we could opt out of gym class if we did other activities --- so, naturally, i joined the cheerleading squad --- it accepted boys. I also played flute in the band but I went full-time on cheerleading after freshman year.

Then, only months later from my initial discovery of "ladyboy" and transgendered person porn, as I was developing my feminine persona, the next huge shift occurred: As I was relishing and prideful in my tiny-ness, and now discovering my girly-ness, and wondering where it was all going, one night at home alone in my room, I found sissy-hypno --- or maybe sissy-hypno devoured me, I am not sure. But the word SISSY just grabbed me. Was that it? Was I a sissy? It was like crack on my brain. I hadn't yet been with a guy OR a girl intimately yet, and I was still, like so many high school students, questioning my sexuality. Sissy-hypno hit my brain like a nuclear explosion ---- in one night of devouring everything I could find on SISSIFICATION and being a SISSY, it mushroomed and blew away EVERY thought in my head --- from that moment on I could think of NOTHING else other than what sissy-porn preaches, that (1) that I was indeed a feminine, useless as a male, weak, and brainless SISSY, (2) that my DESTINY was to serve a masculine ALPHA MALE, that (3) I was to wear the sexiest clothes and heels and (4) become the prettiest feminine sissy I could be.

Period. That was it. I never looked back. Not once. And, I did all of THAT --- I overachieved massively. While I never got into the forced humiliation portion of the genre, I definitely got into being wth a stronger, more masculine "alpha-male" muscular hunky type of man. I felt so protected in their arms.

I was the cutest sexiest hottest GIRL out there. Life was wonderful. I had more attention from people (virile older hunky MEN, and jealous girls) than I EVER had in my entire life. Being a GIRL was life-changing. I went from unknown to, in certain circles, being THE person to know and flirt with and win over.

I started hormone replacement therapy almost immediately, while still in Sophmore year (illegally, at first, of course), and have not stopped. I now a very curvy (34D-22-34) feminine shape, and I have very feminine attributes and mannerisms.

So here I am over four years later. I have not worn guy clothes in 4+ years (but once). My closet has nothing but feminine clothing and shoes. It has been that way forever now. I rise each day, do hair and makeup and get pretty. I alway wear heels and mini-dresses, as I have always felt that being a sexy and alluring girl is the funnest part of being a girl. I am obsessed with very expensive sexy designer shoes (Louboutin, Zanotti, Casadei, McQueen, DSquared2, etc) and similarly with bags (LV, Gucci, YSL).

I am a total fashion whore. My hair is long and pretty and I wear makeup every day -- the fact is, I slay. I slay the look every day. I am probably prettier and sexier and more stylish than almost every girl any one of you have seen in a month. I work at a MAC Cosmetics store as a full-time make-up artist. I have an older (30 yo) boyfriend that I live with in a very sensual and sexually driven relationship. Since high school I have dated and had sexual relations with men -- only men -- and at that, many dozens of men.

So, as i think about maybe reversing back to a male life, I look in the mirror and I see a very pretty Asian woman. I am hot. To other men, I am extremely attractive and alluring. I cause them to stumble and turn and lust, and I like(d) that.

To me? I am finished with being me --- with me being "Jamie".

OK, I guess THAT is enough background. Without going in the details of WHY, I must say this: I am unhappy as hell. I want to reverse my decisions and be what I was born to be --- a guy. A man. Or at least understand IF I CAN BE a man, or if it is too late for me.

But I do not even KNOW how to BE A MAN. My formative years were hijacked by porn so thoroughly that I have no idea how to get back to start.

I have tried reprogramming. I recently tried buying and wearing boy-clothes (for the first time in years) and then passing as a guy --- sounds odd, huh? Even when I dressed as a guy, trying to act like a guy, people called me "Ma'am" and "girl" and such.

My movements, mannerisms, voice inflections and patterns are all very feminine --- they betray my "act" as a guy.

I have tried to find my way back. I stare at other girls and then my eyes go to their guys and I think about what they'd be like to kiss --- the guy, not the girl. I have tried to watch normal STR8 porn to try to get attracted to real women and their bodies and parts, but all I see are the guys and their hot bodies and big thingies ---- and I get turned on by all that. Not the women. The men.

Maybe I really am trans? Or gay? I know it must seem that way but I feel like I am now so curious about what it is like to be a real man. I do not really know ---- but what I KNOW is that I NEVER HAD A CHANCE to see if I was really a guy --- what is it like to be a MAN? ---- I do not know, as my brain was hijacked into deep, submissive, girly femininity in early adolescence.

My QUESTION: Has anyone else dealt with this, such a deep immersion to this for so long? Has anyone ever returned from this? I will be happy to take anyone's advice.

 

[Former_CD]

Hi,
Thank you for your honesty. I do not know the answer to your question. I am a former cross dresser. I never could pass and I have not dressed in almost a year. You can find my introduction further down in this same thread. I would suggest that you seek professional help. I do understand how this has consumed you and how you probably feel helpless and maybe even hopeless. I would be glad to communicate with you and help in any way I can. Here is a link to my introduction. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/former-cross-dresser.91634/

 

[D . J .]

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and not judge you.

It is not too late to be who you want to be but the journey will not be easy. Your first step is to remove porn and masturbation from your life and then see where you are at that point. Prayer and professional help may be required to bring you back home to the person you want to be but NEVER EVER give up hope.

Underestand this is going to totally change the life you are currently living. Are you prepared for that? The guy you are living with, will be accept you as a man living as a man? The person who the world around you, your friends, your work, will change.

The admiration you have received may not exist the way it has been, are you prepared for that? That doesn't mean you can't have an even better life but the transition back will be as traumatic for you as the people around you. Some will accept the change and some won't. I do understand and this will not be an overnight transformation as do you but in order to be the man you want to be will not be easy. Quitting PMO will not be easy but understand, we are here to support you as much as an online community can.

What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?

 

[Jamie_K]

Hi,
Thank you for your honesty. I do not know the answer to your question. I am a former cross dresser. I never could pass and I have not dressed in almost a year. You can find my introduction further down in this same thread. I would suggest that you seek professional help. I do understand how this has consumed you and how you probably feel helpless and maybe even hopeless. I would be glad to communicate with you and help in any way I can. Here is a link to my introduction. https://www.NoFap.com/forum/index.php?threads/former-cross-dresser.91634/

Thank you so much for your reply --- I honestly was not sure if I would be accepted or understood here --- so thank you!! I read your intro and I feel you understand the deep and relentless "pull" that this lifestyle can have, ever-deeper into a warm and delicious pool of sensuality and allure. The attention and popularity to be the "it girl" is addictive, especially knowing that as a guy I would never ever be noticed. Maybe it is a fear of being alone or insignificant --- feelings I had all my life until I became "Jamie". I feel this is the first time I have "surfaced for air" since high school, and now wonder if this is the trajectory my life will take or, if possible and not too late, might I be able to make a change?
I have thought deeply about seeing counseling but wonder how to begin. I feel most will try to validate my choice rather than allow me to explore the choice first. I have talked to a few therapists by phone but feel that is the way they will go. I need to explore the choice, not be conveniently validate it to sooth over my emotional state.
Anyway, thank you for friending me here, and I look forward to further communication.
Jamie

 

[Jamie_K]

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and not judge you.

It is not too late to be who you want to be but the journey will not be easy. Your first step is to remove porn and masturbation from your life and then see where you are at that point. Prayer and professional help may be required to bring you back home to the person you want to be but NEVER EVER give up hope.

Underestand this is going to totally change the life you are currently living. Are you prepared for that? The guy you are living with, will be accept you as a man living as a man? The person who the world around you, your friends, your work, will change.

The admiration you have received may not exist the way it has been, are you prepared for that? That doesn't mean you can't have an even better life but the transition back will be as traumatic for you as the people around you. Some will accept the change and some won't. I do understand and this will not be an overnight transformation as do you but in order to be the man you want to be will not be easy. Quitting PMO will not be easy but understand, we are here to support you as much as an online community can.

What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?

Hi DJ, and thank you for your sincere reply. You ask some really simple yet frightening questions, and honestly, I am not sure or I am fearful of the true answers!

I do not think many will accept me back as a man -- most of my friend group sees me as completely feminine, my boyfriend included. As well, I think I am really hooked --- very very hooked and immersed and enveloped --- by being "the pretty girl". You know the type, the one in the club everyone wants to talk with, the one in the mall all the guys turn around to see and watch walk by. I really like the attention. There is an almost-narcissistic-like quality to living this way --- the hair, the flare, the fashion, the allure, and most importantly, the REACTION i get from men and women alike. It is fun to be popular and pretty. I will never fill that space as a man. I think I realized that as a young teen and that is the reason I went this direction.
As a boy i was un-noticed, not popular, unknown, and invisible. I am really not sure I could do that well BUT ---- BUT---- if i had a spouse that loved me as the man I was and we had a good relationship, yes, I think I could do that.

As far as PMO, I do watch porn but can't really orgasm anymore (for years now) like a guy, so the turn-on w porn is very mental. The physical pleasure really in the relationship is more like a female would have, so it is very "different" way I achieve the O part of the equation. Probably not an appropriate or familiar discussion to have on this forum I guess.

They are hard questions. Very hard questions. I need to think about them more.
Thank you so much for reaching out. I really appreciate it.
Jamie

 

[D . J .]

Often times we want something and although good for us, we do not think through all of the consequences of our decisions.

That being said, Jamie is still James. The confidence you exude, your flair, your knowledge is still James. You do not have to lose what you have gained as Jamie to return to James, you will have to find a way to redirect it and show it in a different way.

Keep in mind, there are some men, who are solely attracted to women who are not the most masculine men in the world. Even as James, you may still exhibit some more feminine qualities and you won't unlearn your sense of style and fashion, instead of wearing Zanetti heels, you would be buying them for your wife. A Gucci bag would be for your wife and Tom Ford loafers would be for you with your Dolce shirt and Prada trousers.

There can be a happy medium once you get to that place but you will have to start. That start can involve getting involved with NoFap, stopping porn use and at some point, preparing for what will happen whenever you are ready to tell your boyfriend. Some people will surprise you and accept your change back to James.

Do not allow narcissism (pride) to cause you to live your current life if it causes you so much displeasure.

 

[Hiraeth]

May I ask how old you are Jamie (or James, what do you prefer?) ?
Have you went through puberty as a man or woman - (meaning did you take hormonblockers/estrogen before age 18)?
Have you had sex reassignment surgery?
Can you imagine yourself living and doing everyday stuff as a man?
What job would you do for example?

 

[Jamie_K]

May I ask how old you are Jamie (or James, what do you prefer?) ?
Have you went through puberty as a man or woman - (meaning did you take hormonblockers/estrogen before age 18)?
Have you had sex reassignment surgery?
Can you imagine yourself living and doing everyday stuff as a man?
What job would you do for example?

Hi Hiraeth,
Thanks for replying to me. To answer your questions:
(1) I am now 22 years old.
(2) I began to take large amounts of Pueraria mirefaca (1000mg/day) with Saw Palmetto (580g/day) almost immediately at age 14, having found how powerful an herbal agent the PM was for transitioning. By 15 I had found Spironolactone online from a store in the Philippines, but then scored (illegally) some in my hometown of Houston. I had Estradiol patches at the same time. So, by age 15 and 16 I was on full self-administered M2F hormone replacement therapy. I was discovered by my parents (I was developing very noticeable lactating-breasts and wide hips and big booty --- we Asians aren't supposed to have big booties!!) and taken off the hormones, but then finally put back on under doctors care and parental consent at age 17.
(3) No I haven't had SRS, yet.
(4) I am not sure if I can --- it is a fantasy dream to live as a man but I have very little context for it.
(5) I am currently a (very good) makeup artist in Houston at MAC Cosmetics. I could continue with that or maybe open a hair salon. I am too petite to consider normal manual labor. I might work at a mens fashion store as well, who knows.

I am pretty far past ever passing as a boy. I have tried, even dressed and acted as a boy, yet people are certain I am a 100% girl. I have a very feminine figure and mannerisms, but I could probably return back to male wth great effort. I would need a breast reduction surgery and my hips are large and waist is tiny, but I assume some weight training and (possible) surgery might assist me returning to a more male figure.

Anyway, THANK YOU so much for taking the time to read my story and dilemma. I appreciate you.
Jamie

 

[Jamie_K]

Often times we want something and although good for us, we do not think through all of the consequences of our decisions.

That being said, Jamie is still James. The confidence you exude, your flair, your knowledge is still James. You do not have to lose what you have gained as Jamie to return to James, you will have to find a way to redirect it and show it in a different way.

Keep in mind, there are some men, who are solely attracted to women who are not the most masculine men in the world. Even as James, you may still exhibit some more feminine qualities and you won't unlearn your sense of style and fashion, instead of wearing Zanetti heels, you would be buying them for your wife. A Gucci bag would be for your wife and Tom Ford loafers would be for you with your Dolce shirt and Prada trousers.

There can be a happy medium once you get to that place but you will have to start. That start can involve getting involved with NoFap, stopping porn use and at some point, preparing for what will happen whenever you are ready to tell your boyfriend. Some people will surprise you and accept your change back to James.

Do not allow narcissism (pride) to cause you to live your current life if it causes you so much displeasure.

Thank you. It is helpful to know that some woman do not need the most masculine guys --- I never met a woman that preferred that choice. My girlfriends and I are all attracted to masculine guys, the beefier and taller the better --- but it is very helpful to know that if i return to being a guy, a very unmasculine guy, i might have a chance.
I can't lose my fashion sense, lol, it defines me. Maybe I should become a women shoe designer! All my fav brands are designed by men --- Christian Louboutin, Giuseppe Zanotti, and Cesare Casadei.
My boyfriend will have nothing to do with this conversation. Each time we discuss it (now about 4x) he dismisses me, grabs me or hugs me or kisses me, and he drags me (willingly usually) back into our romantic life together. But I need the time and space to think this through,and that is all just so distracting at the moment.
Anyway thank you for your words of encouragement. James is still inside me somewhere --- he just needs room to think.
xoxo

 

[Themadfapper]

You could try testosterone [ steroids]. You don't want to damage your own ability to produce testosterone, though. Being a guy is better than being a girl! I think you will realize that if you get on steroids. Confidence, energy, recovery, mental acuity and feeling great.

 

[Irish Explorer]

James, I'm excited for you. This challenge will be anything but easy, but it has the potential to be one of the greatest success stories we've seen here. You come across as very intelligent and just as you worked out every single step of becoming a woman, you'll find your way to your authentic self as a man.

Looking forward to seeing your journey.

 

[Irish Explorer]

@Fap_Doc, seeing as you think it's too late for James to return, would you care to explain why?

 

[Jamie_K]

You could try testosterone [ steroids]. You don't want to damage your own ability to produce testosterone, though. Being a guy is better than being a girl! I think you will realize that if you get on steroids. Confidence, energy, recovery, mental acuity and feeling great.

You could try testosterone [ steroids]. You don't want to damage your own ability to produce testosterone, though. Being a guy is better than being a girl! I think you will realize that if you get on steroids. Confidence, energy, recovery, mental acuity and feeling great.

Hi, and thank you for replying.
Yes, I realize I can do that --- I have thought about it quite a bit. What I think I need is, first, a therapist that lets me explore WHY i need this --- either way ---so that I can then PLAN a path to my desired future state. Just as feminine hormones have brought me this far, I feel I could take as many years necessary to get back to being a boy, well, a man, for the first time ever.
I guess because my experience as a young man was so negative, I am really not sure being a man is better than where I am right now. I was lonely and alienated as a guy. As a woman I am the center of everything i choose --- and the power to control men (emotionally) is so comforting, i do not fear them as a woman. As a guy i was scared to death of bigger guys.
Anyway, thank you for the input. This blog really helps me think
jamie xoxo

 

[Jamie_K]

James, I'm excited for you. This challenge will be anything but easy, but it has the potential to be one of the greatest success stories we've seen here. You come across as very intelligent and just as you worked out every single step of becoming a woman, you'll find your way to your authentic self as a man.

Looking forward to seeing your journey.

Thank you so very much, Irish Explorer: this may very well be the hardest decision and journey of my life. I appreciate you noticing that I am not a bimbo girl, and as you say, I can get where I need to go step-by-step ---- I did that already once in my life becoming Jamie.
I am getting clearer here that my first step is really to find a good therapist to help me understand my deepest goals --- I am very confused. I like my current life BUT I do not see me aging into middle years as a woman ---- i think that is my biggest fear. DO I REALLY WANT TO BE A GIRL FOREVER? I am so so so not sure.
Thank you for reaching out
jamie xoxo

 

[Brandyhuntz]

My name is James, but I have gone by the effeminate form "Jamie" for the past 5+ years. I discovered porn in junior high school, and almost immediately was drawn to transgendered person porn --- I saw it and I was hooked --- totally, fully, and undeniably hooked. I was hooked for two very obvious reasons: that the "girls" were tiny pretty femme boys like me and, also, that real hunky virile men really got into making love to them. Finally, a place for a small, very tiny and petite, brown-skinned and smooth Asian femme-boy like me.

As a boy growing up I was always the smallest, the frailest, and the most timid. Girls didn't find me attractive, but I was so very drawn to them, I found them VERY alluring --- yet I think I found their clothes and hair and styles and flirting-skills to be what I focused on in adolescence.

I was just starting to get interested in girls and sex and all those adolescent questions we have in general when I suddenly found that stunningly captivating transgendered person porn. From the start, I watched it for 8 to 12 hours a day, and it had a massive impact on my grades (lower), homework (rarely done), friendships (alienated), and overall social activity. I stopped growing in my 2nd yr in High School, never taller than 5'0" and never heavier than 108lbs. I never was picked for any sports in gym class. I was alone and alienated.

So there I was: tiny, lightweight, very skinny, lightly brown-skinned, and very effeminate, and I just discovered Trans porn and especially the subset called "ladyboys". I could see I was as pretty and as soft and as smooth as any of the ladyboys online. And there were so MANY of them! It seemed to me that the very natural choice for someone like me --- both my ethnicity and stature --- was to make the obvious choice of being a pretty "lady boy".

All the guys I grew up with actually grew up --- they were tall, they developed muscles and facial hair and deep voices. They were huge --- everyone was bigger than me. The girls were the same, they grew taller than me and larger. There was only one other person --- another Asian girl --- in my entire high school of 4,000 students that was tinier than me. It was awful. I was so alone.

So, here I was in high school, right at the very time I was deciding to go "compete" with way-more masculine guys in the pursuit of girls, I realized with "ladyboy" and transgendered person porn that I could actually compete more successfully --- way way more successfully--- with many of the girls in my High School --- I knew I could. I was quite able as I was tinier, cuter, and I knew I could dress way sexier. All those girls were almost ALL bigger and heavier and I knew I could be a prettier girl --- zero doubts.

So, quietly at home, I shaved every last part of my body and, over time, I grew my hair to about shoulder length --- and I went to school wearing my normally androgynous but now ever-increasingly feminine styles. I started wearing a tiny bit of makeup, and plucked my eyebrows and, after a few months, had both ears and my tongue and naval pierced. One weekend I wore a dress and heels to a club, added a bit of makeup, and BANG --- my love life changed. I had 6 guys hit on me in one night. I was popular for the first time ever. That night I was finally romantically kissed ---- for the first time ever --- by a really hot stud college guy from Rice University. I fell in love.

Back in high school we could opt out of gym class if we did other activities --- so, naturally, i joined the cheerleading squad --- it accepted boys. I also played flute in the band but I went full-time on cheerleading after freshman year.

Then, only months later from my initial discovery of "ladyboy" and transgendered person porn, as I was developing my feminine persona, the next huge shift occurred: As I was relishing and prideful in my tiny-ness, and now discovering my girly-ness, and wondering where it was all going, one night at home alone in my room, I found sissy-hypno --- or maybe sissy-hypno devoured me, I am not sure. But the word SISSY just grabbed me. Was that it? Was I a sissy? It was like crack on my brain. I hadn't yet been with a guy OR a girl intimately yet, and I was still, like so many high school students, questioning my sexuality. Sissy-hypno hit my brain like a nuclear explosion ---- in one night of devouring everything I could find on SISSIFICATION and being a SISSY, it mushroomed and blew away EVERY thought in my head --- from that moment on I could think of NOTHING else other than what sissy-porn preaches, that (1) that I was indeed a feminine, useless as a male, weak, and brainless SISSY, (2) that my DESTINY was to serve a masculine ALPHA MALE, that (3) I was to wear the sexiest clothes and heels and (4) become the prettiest feminine sissy I could be.

Period. That was it. I never looked back. Not once. And, I did all of THAT --- I overachieved massively. While I never got into the forced humiliation portion of the genre, I definitely got into being wth a stronger, more masculine "alpha-male" muscular hunky type of man. I felt so protected in their arms.

I was the cutest sexiest hottest GIRL out there. Life was wonderful. I had more attention from people (virile older hunky MEN, and jealous girls) than I EVER had in my entire life. Being a GIRL was life-changing. I went from unknown to, in certain circles, being THE person to know and flirt with and win over.

I started hormone replacement therapy almost immediately, while still in Sophmore year (illegally, at first, of course), and have not stopped. I now a very curvy (32C-22-34) feminine shape, and I have very feminine attributes and mannerisms.

So here I am over four years later. I have not worn guy clothes in 4+ years (but once). My closet has nothing but feminine clothing and shoes. It has been that way forever now. I rise each day, do hair and makeup and get pretty. I alway wear heels and mini-dresses, as I have always felt that being a sexy and alluring girl is the funnest part of being a girl. I am obsessed with very expensive sexy designer shoes (Louboutin, Zanotti, Casadei, McQueen, DSquared2, etc) and similarly with bags (LV, Gucci, YSL).

I am a total fashion whore. My hair is long and pretty and I wear makeup every day -- the fact is, I slay. I slay the look every day. I am probably prettier and sexier and more stylish than almost every girl any one of you have seen in a month. I work at a MAC Cosmetics store as a full-time make-up artist. I have an older (30 yo) boyfriend that I live with in a very sensual and sexually driven relationship. Since high school I have dated and had sexual relations with men -- only men -- and at that, many dozens of men.

So, as i think about maybe reversing back to a male life, I look in the mirror and I see a very pretty Asian woman. I am hot. To other men, I am extremely attractive and alluring. I cause them to stumble and turn and lust, and I like(d) that.

To me? I am finished with being me --- with me being "Jamie".

OK, I guess THAT is enough background. Without going in the details of WHY, I must say this: I am unhappy as hell. I want to reverse my decisions and be what I was born to be --- a guy. A man. Or at least understand IF I CAN BE a man, or if it is too late for me.

But I do not even KNOW how to BE A MAN. My formative years were hijacked by porn so thoroughly that I have no idea how to get back to start.

I have tried reprogramming. I recently tried buying and wearing boy-clothes (for the first time in years) and then passing as a guy --- sounds odd, huh? Even when I dressed as a guy, trying to act like a guy, people called me "Ma'am" and "girl" and such.

My movements, mannerisms, voice inflections and patterns are all very feminine --- they betray my "act" as a guy.

I have tried to find my way back. I stare at other girls and then my eyes go to their guys and I think about what they'd be like to kiss --- the guy, not the girl. I have tried to watch normal STR8 porn to try to get attracted to real women and their bodies and parts, but all I see are the guys and their hot bodies and big thingies ---- and I get turned on by all that. Not the women. The men.

Maybe I really am trans? Or gay? I know it must seem that way but I feel like I am now so curious about what it is like to be a real man. I do not really know ---- but what I KNOW is that I NEVER HAD A CHANCE to see if I was really a guy --- what is it like to be a MAN? ---- I do not know, as my brain was hijacked into deep, submissive, girly femininity in early adolescence.

My QUESTION: Has anyone else dealt with this, such a deep immersion to this for so long? Has anyone ever returned from this? I will be happy to take anyone's advice.

Not sure where to begin. As I never got online until about 6 years ago, but I knew at a very young age I was born in the wrong body, as did I have to live in girl world for a year before I was allowed on female hormones. As well as see shrinks quite a bit. I've never in my life ever felt like a guy, like ever. But eventually was cleared for SRS surgery by two separate medical boards myself for years. Lived full time in girl world in both good times as well as bad times. Twice I've had to revert back to being guy, in order to either pay bills or keep a roof over my head. I've never in my life felt comfortable as a guy, and even my parents disowned me twice in the 13+ years, for which I lived full time in girl world. Life is tough for anyone, being TS or hermaphrodite has a whole other level of tough, to add to the regular everyday life studies, that anyone else has. I was offered surgery in Youngstown Ohio by a Dr Richard Murray, who was going to lose his license, as did he tell l me he wanted to have one good surgery of SRS before losing his license to practice. I refused gracefully at that time. As years back, surgery was 4 to give procedures long. Often times want good surgery either. So being young, and dumb, I passed. Never dreaming, it would be a life long venue to get back to the table, even after twice being cleared for SRS surgery.

I'm TS thru and thru. Wish it were different. As in being born the way I've always felt.

As have I used hypnosis in my past, for different reasons, which I'll give explanations to. Once I used hypnosis for fear of interstates, which I had issues driving on interstates. Since that day I've driven millions of miles literally loved millions of miles interstate driving commercial driving. Another time I used hypnosis for fear of heights. Not only did I beat those fears, but flew single and twin engine planes for over 1,000 hours. Which is kind of funny really. Power of hypnosis is an amazing device. And the last time I used hypnosis, was suggested but my mother, as I'd been to doctor after doctor few years trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Here I was having issues that were bothering me I hadn't even thought of. But I peeled a guys for back and was told to leave the scene, otherwise I'd of been listed in the accident report and the coop didn't want it on my record. Apparently that bothered my mind over time and about six months later I was writing driving job everyone I had issues with being able to go over 50 mph on interstates. So my mom suggested I see a hypnotist. Which I did. 2 times with the hypnotist and another online hypnotist and I was cured. Hypnosis is an amazing machine, one for which I have great respect for.

Not sure if this helps you or not. But it's who I am. I've never felt comfortable using the thing between my legs, like ever. I hate the thing. Being feminine is all I've ever wanted to be. As being bisexual, it is what it is. I've had both boyfriend's and girlfriend's in my past, as did I love that. As being on female hormones for decades, the newer scripts are ten times better than the straight premarin ever was. I'm on 6mg estradiol and 100mg of spironolactone daily, as do I both ready right and exercise daily.

But getting back to the subject. I'm trying to explain myself, in terms of the hypnosis your speaking of.

When I had girlfriend's in my past, I was more interested I in Platonic relationships with them or eating them out as a lesbian wood. I loved that. But when asked to use the tool, never cared for it in any sense. Hated playing the guy in between my transitions. But when I lived in girl world and had partners with guys. It's like I was OK with giving head and taking care of his needs, as did I love that. My taste in fashions where more towards blending in with my preferred sex, that off female status.

Here's where it gets weird for me and I see realty no way of stopping things, as it's like I was TS sissymyself long before I ever got online and feel into this sissy hypnosis thingy. I vaguely remember being turned onto this site by Mr. Linda, one of gals that I asked for help on the driving hypnosis thing, as was I already on a bondage site. which someone turned me onto. But it's like I feel into the sissy erotic hypnosis thingy by Her. I think. Then there was blogs and Tumblr and Twitter and the list goes on and on.

It's not like I can turn them off, as it's like so me to the tee maybe. But it's weird, as my taste in fashions have changed more to the trashy side, or that I find Platonic relationships with girls far better than what once was. My love for cock and Dick has only quadruple. That's where it gets weird maybe. That or my taste in a more trashy side of fashion. But if guys like that, then it's a good thing. Like it's not exactly understood by Mr why I crave cock way more than I think is normal for most girls like me or that porn stars are like my idols. I get so easily aroused and turned on at the thought of getting on my knees and being the good girl or complete and utter whore. That and I find I love fashions, that attract cock. I use to think I loved driving truck. Anymore all I can think about is sucking and fucking cock and pussy is like a scary thing to me. Unless it's filled with man seed.

I presently have a small C cup, full B cup as are my measurements 38-28-41 and can't help but want bigger tits, that I can't possibly hide. It's so insane and so Erotic and tantalizingly insane. I often wonder how I'll ever best these hypnos as it's like I was already hooked on being me, long before I found hypnosis online.

But I have noticed some changes to. That I didn't think I remembered in my past. I love the words whore and slut, like they are complimenting. And when I see a really cute outfit or hot girl, I immediately think of cock. I love cock so much as do I love looking hot for it

 

[D . J .]

Thank you. It is helpful to know that some woman do not need the most masculine guys --- I never met a woman that preferred that choice. My girlfriends and I are all attracted to masculine guys, the beefier and taller the better --- but it is very helpful to know that if i return to being a guy, a very unmasculine guy, i might have a chance.
I can't lose my fashion sense, lol, it defines me. Maybe I should become a women shoe designer! All my fav brands are designed by men --- Christian Louboutin, Giuseppe Zanotti, and Cesare Casadei.
My boyfriend will have nothing to do with this conversation. Each time we discuss it (now about 4x) he dismisses me, grabs me or hugs me or kisses me, and he drags me (willingly usually) back into our romantic life together. But I need the time and space to think this through,and that is all just so distracting at the moment.
Anyway thank you for your words of encouragement. James is still inside me somewhere --- he just needs room to think.
xoxo

Since James is there and you want James back, I will refer to you as James.

I have straight guy friends that are very intellectual and into the arts and whose voices are not the deepest and some would question if they are gay.

You seem to now acknowledge some of the challenges of bringing James back. From what little you have shared, your boyfriend seems to only want the Jamie image and not Jamie/James and that's not right.

BTW, I'm a Texan as well. I'm in Dallas

 

[Jamie_K]

OMG thank you thank you!!! This is such a wonderful note <3
I do not ever recall wanting to BE a girl because, frankly, I never recall really BEING a guy --- my upbringing was almost purposefully androgynous. My parents let me do or be or play with whatever gender(less) thing attracted me.
I recall playing Barbie (don't we all) and doing my nails and hair and make-up at birthday parties when I was like 4 or 5 and thereafter. EVERY Halloween (the perfect transpersons holiday) I was some girl-character, you name it: Beyonce (yes), Bo-Peep (yes), schoolgirl (yes), MeanGirls (yes).
So, for me, when I began to self-identify, I felt like I had a way wider range of choice. I was never worried I would be disowned (sorry you went thru that!) but rather I worried about WHO I really WAS, and what I really wanted.
Like you, I also was PHYSICALLY attracted to men. I wasn't really physically attracted to woman, and, like you my relationships were always platonic. With guys I was always nervous, they were powerful and confident.
I remember in 4th grade thinking of one of my friends as I sat with him, and consciously thinking "OMG he has such a handsome face. His lips look so kissable!". I really had t fight the urge thru grammar school and junior HS to NOT kiss boys. I never had to fight the urge to kiss girls --- ever.
Fast forward to now: I am KINDA sure I MIGHT be in the right spot, being full-time M2F, but I am not 100% sure. The brain-grabbing-pornography-aspect of it all has made me question: IS this MY choice or was I so BRAINWASHED that I didn't know what to think.
I love being treated like a lady. I love kissing my man, and I love making him happy. When I was in my teens I was a total c*ck-crazy person, but I now see what true love should be and I am trying to balance my life for that.
Like you also, I hate my thingie --- maybe because it is so small and not really a man-thingie. I have referred to it as my "clitty", and treated it as such, for almost a decade (yes, that long!). It performs like one --there is literally no length to it (smaller than my thumb when it used to get firm) so the only way is purely as a feminine appendage. (Is this TMI??? I can delete that if Moderator thinks its TMI).
In the midst of all the normal and moral life things going on, I am trying to understand and reconstruct and follow my thought process to where I find myself today. It is introspective, true, but I feel it is a necessity. Maybe I am truly a M2F transgendered woman --- highly likely --- but I need to explore this path and validate it was me that needed to be here, and I am here by full choice, not by my brain getting hijacked.
I think you also experienced what I did too --- that, as a young M2F trying to sort out life --- there are many older fetishist men that push girls like us along down a path for their own pleasure. It happened to me too often. Now I am in a healthy relationship, but just questioning my choices --- which I think is healthy too.

THANK YOU so very much for sharing and reaching out. YOU, my dear lady, ARE AWESOME!!!!
XOXO
Jamie <3

 

[Jamie_K]

Not sure where to begin. As I never got online until about 6 years ago, but I knew at a very young age I was born in the wrong body, as did I have to live in girl world for a year before I was allowed on female hormones. As well as see shrinks quite a bit. I've never in my life ever felt like a guy, like ever. But eventually was cleared for SRS surgery by two separate medical boards myself for years. Lived full time in girl world in both good times as well as bad times. Twice I've had to revert back to being guy, in order to either pay bills or keep a roof over my head. I've never in my life felt comfortable as a guy, and even my parents disowned me twice in the 13+ years, for which I lived full time in girl world. Life is tough for anyone, being TS or hermaphrodite has a whole other level of tough, to add to the regular everyday life studies, that anyone else has. I was offered surgery in Youngstown Ohio by a Dr Richard Murray, who was going to lose his license, as did he tell l me he wanted to have one good surgery of SRS before losing his license to practice. I refused gracefully at that time. As years back, surgery was 4 to give procedures long. Often times want good surgery either. So being young, and dumb, I passed. Never dreaming, it would be a life long venue to get back to the table, even after twice being cleared for SRS surgery.

I'm TS thru and thru. Wish it were different. As in being born the way I've always felt.

As have I used hypnosis in my past, for different reasons, which I'll give explanations to. Once I used hypnosis for fear of interstates, which I had issues driving on interstates. Since that day I've driven millions of miles literally loved millions of miles interstate driving commercial driving. Another time I used hypnosis for fear of heights. Not only did I beat those fears, but flew single and twin engine planes for over 1,000 hours. Which is kind of funny really. Power of hypnosis is an amazing device. And the last time I used hypnosis, was suggested but my mother, as I'd been to doctor after doctor few years trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Here I was having issues that were bothering me I hadn't even thought of. But I peeled a guys for back and was told to leave the scene, otherwise I'd of been listed in the accident report and the coop didn't want it on my record. Apparently that bothered my mind over time and about six months later I was writing driving job everyone I had issues with being able to go over 50 mph on interstates. So my mom suggested I see a hypnotist. Which I did. 2 times with the hypnotist and another online hypnotist and I was cured. Hypnosis is an amazing machine, one for which I have great respect for.

Not sure if this helps you or not. But it's who I am. I've never felt comfortable using the thing between my legs, like ever. I hate the thing. Being feminine is all I've ever wanted to be. As being bisexual, it is what it is. I've had both boyfriend's and girlfriend's in my past, as did I love that. As being on female hormones for decades, the newer scripts are ten times better than the straight premarin ever was. I'm on 6mg estradiol and 100mg of spironolactone daily, as do I both ready right and exercise daily.

But getting back to the subject. I'm trying to explain myself, in terms of the hypnosis your speaking of.

When I had girlfriend's in my past, I was more interested I in Platonic relationships with them or eating them out as a lesbian wood. I loved that. But when asked to use the tool, never cared for it in any sense. Hated playing the guy in between my transitions. But when I lived in girl world and had partners with guys. It's like I was OK with giving head and taking care of his needs, as did I love that. My taste in fashions where more towards blending in with my preferred sex, that off female status.

Here's where it gets weird for me and I see realty no way of stopping things, as it's like I was TS sissymyself long before I ever got online and feel into this sissy hypnosis thingy. I vaguely remember being turned onto this site by Mr. Linda, one of gals that I asked for help on the driving hypnosis thing, as was I already on a bondage site. which someone turned me onto. But it's like I feel into the sissy erotic hypnosis thingy by Her. I think. Then there was blogs and Tumblr and Twitter and the list goes on and on.

It's not like I can turn them off, as it's like so me to the tee maybe. But it's weird, as my taste in fashions have changed more to the trashy side, or that I find Platonic relationships with girls far better than what once was. My love for cock and Dick has only quadruple. That's where it gets weird maybe. That or my taste in a more trashy side of fashion. But if guys like that, then it's a good thing. Like it's not exactly understood by Mr why I crave cock way more than I think is normal for most girls like me or that porn stars are like my idols. I get so easily aroused and turned on at the thought of getting on my knees and being the good girl or complete and utter whore. That and I find I love fashions, that attract cock. I use to think I loved driving truck. Anymore all I can think about is sucking and fucking cock and pussy is like a scary thing to me. Unless it's filled with man seed.

I presently have a small C cup, full B cup as are my measurements 38-28-41 and can't help but want bigger tits, that I can't possibly hide. It's so insane and so Erotic and tantalizingly insane. I often wonder how I'll ever best these hypnos as it's like I was already hooked on being me, long before I found hypnosis online.

But I have noticed some changes to. That I didn't think I remembered in my past. I love the words whore and slut, like they are complimenting. And when I see a really cute outfit or hot girl, I immediately think of cock. I love cock so much as do I love looking hot for it

Since James is there and you want James back, I will refer to you as James.

I have straight guy friends that are very intellectual and into the arts and whose voices are not the deepest and some would question if they are gay.

You seem to now acknowledge some of the challenges of bringing James back. From what little you have shared, your boyfriend seems to only want the Jamie image and not Jamie/James and that's not right.

BTW, I'm a Texan as well. I'm in Dallas

 

[Jamie_K]

You're right, he is very fearful of my thoughts and even my questioning my life and lifestyle. We are very close, we are in love, and I know he wants me to proceed with SRS as soon as possible --- he has offered to pay. That is another thing really stressing me out --- it is why I am trying to figure this all out right now.
FELLOW TEXAN!!! Yeeeehaaaa. The guys from TEXAS are hot!!! XOXO

 

[Brandyhuntz]

OMG thank you thank you!!! This is such a wonderful note <3
I do not ever recall wanting to BE a girl because, frankly, I never recall really BEING a guy --- my upbringing was almost purposefully androgynous. My parents let me do or be or play with whatever gender(less) thing attracted me.
I recall playing Barbie (don't we all) and doing my nails and hair and make-up at birthday parties when I was like 4 or 5 and thereafter. EVERY Halloween (the perfect transpersons holiday) I was some girl-character, you name it: Beyonce (yes), Bo-Peep (yes), schoolgirl (yes), MeanGirls (yes).
So, for me, when I began to self-identify, I felt like I had a way wider range of choice. I was never worried I would be disowned (sorry you went thru that!) but rather I worried about WHO I really WAS, and what I really wanted.
Like you, I also was PHYSICALLY attracted to men. I wasn't really physically attracted to woman, and, like you my relationships were always platonic. With guys I was always nervous, they were powerful and confident.
I remember in 4th grade thinking of one of my friends as I sat with him, and consciously thinking "OMG he has such a handsome face. His lips look so kissable!". I really had t fight the urge thru grammar school and junior HS to NOT kiss boys. I never had to fight the urge to kiss girls --- ever.
Fast forward to now: I am KINDA sure I MIGHT be in the right spot, being full-time M2F, but I am not 100% sure. The brain-grabbing-pornography-aspect of it all has made me question: IS this MY choice or was I so BRAINWASHED that I didn't know what to think.
I love being treated like a lady. I love kissing my man, and I love making him happy. When I was in my teens I was a total c*ck-crazy person, but I now see what true love should be and I am trying to balance my life for that.
Like you also, I hate my thingie --- maybe because it is so small and not really a man-thingie. I have referred to it as my "clitty", and treated it as such, for almost a decade (yes, that long!). It performs like one --there is literally no length to it (smaller than my thumb when it used to get firm) so the only way is purely as a feminine appendage. (Is this TMI??? I can delete that if Moderator thinks its TMI).
In the midst of all the normal and moral life things going on, I am trying to understand and reconstruct and follow my thought process to where I find myself today. It is introspective, true, but I feel it is a necessity. Maybe I am truly a M2F transgendered woman --- highly likely --- but I need to explore this path and validate it was me that needed to be here, and I am here by full choice, not by my brain getting hijacked.
I think you also experienced what I did too --- that, as a young M2F trying to sort out life --- there are many older fetishist men that push girls like us along down a path for their own pleasure. It happened to me too often. Now I am in a healthy relationship, but just questioning my choices --- which I think is healthy too.

THANK YOU so very much for sharing and reaching out. YOU, my dear lady, ARE AWESOME!!!!
XOXO
Jamie <3

I both commend and appreciate you for being your beautiful self. Being TS or M2F, I so relate to allot of things, other sisters go thru, because I have and do wear the shoe, so to speak.

My parents did disown me at one time in my life. But it's been a few years back. As when they come to visit me now. My mom washes my clothes, hangs my nylons or bras up to dry and fold my panties as well as poss them in the dresser for me, which must take allot one wood think. So maybe people can change. As did my family get together a few years b back to tell me I should make another attempt at being me, as did they say I was happier. Wow. Never thought I'd hear that one out of my family. As has my mom seen me break down and cry on numerous occasions. More so here lately. But my dad still mentally beats me up. With his words. On almost every facet of life. People tell me to get away from him. But I don't. It's not up to me to judge anyone. As cause he get upset when I do things for others thru charities I do. Haha. But I think I love doing for others, as it's a way to replenish one's heart, mind, body and soul and it's in good ways. But I often times think it's because I'm sometimes so miserable within myself. For not just being.

But the hijacked thingy on the hypnos. Giggles. It's like messed up at times to. Like I often times think I'd be happier on my knees, as do I feel more weak or powerless to fight them off. I've had other friends in the lifestyle tell me I should quit watching the things, but it's like I feel so good haha and it's not like I want this way beforehand. It's just like it's not ready to watch another hypnos about reversing the Erotic sissy hypnos, since I was long before them a TS already. Lol. It's like a catch 22. But I'm clueless on allot of stuff. Being on female hormones as long as I've been, I really only get release, buy getting others off anyways. Like my main source of enjoyment in sexual encounters are my breasts or rather my nipples are my pleasure center. As I Rub them, in order to get turned on. Last year I came like 4 times tops. So I get these mind blowing tingles and shivers throughout my clitty and body regions. And they last. So the HRT keeps me on edge as do I find myself living it more so for being that way. And when I do get a release, there's no more white in my cum, but all clear and on rare occasions I've lactated in my nipples. I love everything about being a girl. But often times question how I'll ever best the sissy hypnosis. Most I've gone is 3wks.