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Trans and Sissy porn has hijacked my life, is it too late to return?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Jamie_K, Feb 25, 2017.

Tags:

Page 6 of 9

Apr 9, 2017 #101

makeItstop5000 Fapstronaut

7

3

3

Hey Jamie,

As I was reading your story, I couldn't help but get in your corner.

I may not have had the same issues due to the fact I was always pretty manly in stature, however I still understand that feeling of loneliness and it sucks. I can see how someone can get caught up in one life style where you feel you're the center of the world & not want to return to being lonely.

Normally I would never approve of such a lifestyle (not saying my approval means anything) but actually reading your back story. I think you should definitely try to figure out 100% what's best for you, whether it's being Jamie or James.

Best of luck to you!! Keep on keeping on!

makeItstop5000, Apr 9, 2017

makeItstop5000, Apr 9, 2017

#101
Apr 10, 2017 #102

EffingA Fapstronaut

75

41

18

Jamie,

Sounds like you're doing the right thing. Starting college again, breaking up with that BF, therapy etc. It's really great to see how upbeat you are about everything. And that's exactly what I was talking about! Finding joy in those day-to-day activities and responsibilities.

That's good to hear about the attention thing as well. The more you can find satisfaction from within (rather than without), the more independent you can be emotionally, I think. And there's nothing wrong with enjoying attention at all. I do open mics and my modest musical ability will sometimes get me a number of compliments, which feels amazing validating. But at the same time, over-attention can warp your sense of pride unnaturally. I think it's safe to say that you learned to crave attention and are now learning to wean yourself off of it, which is awesome.

And thanks for the kind words! I'm glad you appreciated my message. Honestly it's a little weird for me because I grew up conservative and always leaned pretty traditional on transgender issues, but hearing your story has really allowed me to empathize with someone in your position. So thank you for being so open to discussion!

EffingA, Apr 10, 2017

EffingA, Apr 10, 2017

#102
Apr 18, 2017 #103

Jamie_K Guest
Estus said: ↑

Jamie your whole post came across as just one giant advertisement for embracing the transgender/sissy lifestyle to those who are struggling to overcome it.

If you do not wish to be "Jamie" anymore why is that your screen name here? Why do you continue to use that suggestive photo of yourself dressed as a girl?

I cannot read 100 posts to see if you no longer wish to become a man again but if that is what you desire then I believe your "Jamie" persona should be abandoned.

With how you went on how successful you were as a "girl" it seems that this could be the tipping point for someone on the edge to embrace this fetish by using your post as justification.

I am unsure if you came here for help or simply want attention.
Click to expand...

Perhaps that is just your perception read from your vantage point, but I assure you it is not.

Me is me...my journey thru this process is ongoing. Nothing "suggestive" at all but perhaps I should change if it has the chance of being a trigger. Good suggestion.

Not the intention

Def came for help, which has been constructively and thoughtfully given by 99% of those who took the time to read fully the posts before judging.
Jamie_K, Apr 18, 2017

Jamie_K, Apr 18, 2017

#103
Apr 18, 2017 #104

Jamie_K Guest
An update, and a "tweak" and realization to my initial original posting:

It feels wonderful to BE in CONTROL of me --- not driven by impulse but by rational choice. As far as my "overall view of things": I came here initially saying "I am done being Jamie", thinking it meant I wanted to go back to being boy James, but I think now it really meant --- I do not want to be an easy slutty girl anymore. I am done with being THAT kind of girl --- but I am definitely a girl.

Here is what I know now about me:

i am absolutely a woman, and i love that

i am totally attracted to men, only

i am done being an easy woman

i am becoming a very self-confidant woman

i am definitely not a man, at all. nothing about me says "male, man, guy"

I do not need porn at all, nor do i need a daily reinforcement to take comfort in my femininity

so it feels wonderful.
Jamie_K, Apr 18, 2017

Jamie_K, Apr 18, 2017

#104
Apr 18, 2017 #105

Jamie_K Guest

EffingA said: ↑

Jamie,

Sounds like you're doing the right thing. Starting college again, breaking up with that BF, therapy etc. It's really great to see how upbeat you are about everything. And that's exactly what I was talking about! Finding joy in those day-to-day activities and responsibilities.

That's good to hear about the attention thing as well. The more you can find satisfaction from within (rather than without), the more independent you can be emotionally, I think. And there's nothing wrong with enjoying attention at all. I do open mics and my modest musical ability will sometimes get me a number of compliments, which feels amazing validating. But at the same time, over-attention can warp your sense of pride unnaturally. I think it's safe to say that you learned to crave attention and are now learning to wean yourself off of it, which is awesome.

And thanks for the kind words! I'm glad you appreciated my message. Honestly it's a little weird for me because I grew up conservative and always leaned pretty traditional on transgender issues, but hearing your story has really allowed me to empathize with someone in your position. So thank you for being so open to discussion!
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for your supportive words --- I genuinely appreciate the positive vibes you are sending.
and YES, getting the "attention thing" under control has been empowering---allowing the power of me to come, as you say, from within.
I appreciate your willingness to be open and understand my (and someday as you encounter others) journey to where I am. That is powerful and i so appreciate you as a person open to change and new views. You are very cool.

Jamie_K, Apr 18, 2017

Jamie_K, Apr 18, 2017

#105
Apr 18, 2017 #106

Jamie_K Guest

makeItstop5000 said: ↑

Hey Jamie,

As I was reading your story, I couldn't help but get in your corner.

I may not have had the same issues due to the fact I was always pretty manly in stature, however I still understand that feeling of loneliness and it sucks. I can see how someone can get caught up in one life style where you feel you're the center of the world & not want to return to being lonely.

Normally I would never approve of such a lifestyle (not saying my approval means anything) but actually reading your back story. I think you should definitely try to figure out 100% what's best for you, whether it's being Jamie or James.

Best of luck to you!! Keep on keeping on!
Click to expand...

Thank you for your comments, and for reaching out with true empathy ---- it is meaningful to me. I think I am closer to "getting it" in my own way, plus good therapy is really helping me

Jamie_K, Apr 18, 2017

Jamie_K, Apr 18, 2017

#106
May 30, 2017 #107

Deleted Account Guest

Hi guys, it is Jamie_K, now with a new account Jamie_K_ (two underscores

I left NoFap a while ago but decided I still needed the understanding and support. If my friends are out there I hope we find each other again

Deleted Account, May 30, 2017

Deleted Account, May 30, 2017

#107

Fap_Doc, overclocked, Rockyroad and 1 other person like this.
May 30, 2017 #108

Lazarus Shuttlesworth Fapstronaut

2,038

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My Journal

Jamie_K_ said: ↑

Hi guys, it is Jamie_K, now with a new account Jamie_K_ (two underscores

I left NoFap a while ago but decided I still needed the understanding and support. If my friends are out there I hope we find each other again
Click to expand...

Welcome back! I'm glad you decided to continue your journey on here.

Lazarus Shuttlesworth, May 30, 2017

Lazarus Shuttlesworth, May 30, 2017

#108
May 30, 2017 #109

Rockyroad Fapstronaut

225

517

93

My Journal

Jamie_K_ said: ↑

Hi guys, it is Jamie_K, now with a new account Jamie_K_ (two underscores

I left NoFap a while ago but decided I still needed the understanding and support. If my friends are out there I hope we find each other again
Click to expand...

Hello Jamie,
It is great to hear from you again. It is definitely a tough road to take. I have only logged in a few times in the last month and am back for additional support. Besides, the site has felt a bit stale since you left. Hope that you are doing okay. Are you prepared for Rice U? #underscoregalore

Rockyroad, May 30, 2017

Rockyroad, May 30, 2017

#109
May 30, 2017 #110

D . J . Fapstronaut

13,510

8,630

143

My Journal

Welcome back!

D . J ., May 30, 2017

D . J ., May 30, 2017

#110
May 30, 2017 #111

Deleted Account Guest

Jamie_K said: ↑

My name is James, but I have gone by the effeminate form "Jamie" for the past 5+ years. I discovered porn in junior high school, and almost immediately was drawn to transgendered person porn --- I saw it and I was hooked --- totally, fully, and undeniably hooked. I was hooked for two very obvious reasons: that the "girls" were tiny pretty femme boys like me and, also, that real hunky virile men really got into making love to them. Finally, a place for a small, very tiny and petite, brown-skinned and smooth Asian femme-boy like me.

As a boy growing up I was always the smallest, the frailest, and the most timid. Girls didn't find me attractive, but I was so very drawn to them, I found them VERY alluring --- yet I think I found their clothes and hair and styles and flirting-skills to be what I focused on in adolescence.

I was just starting to get interested in girls and sex and all those adolescent questions we have in general when I suddenly found that stunningly captivating transgendered person porn. From the start, I watched it for 8 to 12 hours a day, and it had a massive impact on my grades (lower), homework (rarely done), friendships (alienated), and overall social activity. I stopped growing in my 2nd yr in High School, never taller than 5'0" and never heavier than 108lbs. I never was picked for any sports in gym class. I was alone and alienated.

So there I was: tiny, lightweight, very skinny, lightly brown-skinned, and very effeminate, and I just discovered Trans porn and especially the subset called "ladyboys". I could see I was as pretty and as soft and as smooth as any of the ladyboys online. And there were so MANY of them! It seemed to me that the very natural choice for someone like me --- both my ethnicity and stature --- was to make the obvious choice of being a pretty "lady boy".

All the guys I grew up with actually grew up --- they were tall, they developed muscles and facial hair and deep voices. They were huge --- everyone was bigger than me. The girls were the same, they grew taller than me and larger. There was only one other person --- another Asian girl --- in my entire high school of 4,000 students that was tinier than me. It was awful. I was so alone.

So, here I was in high school, right at the very time I was deciding to go "compete" with way-more masculine guys in the pursuit of girls, I realized with "ladyboy" and transgendered person porn that I could actually compete more successfully --- way way more successfully--- with many of the girls in my High School --- I knew I could. I was quite able as I was tinier, cuter, and I knew I could dress way sexier. All those girls were almost ALL bigger and heavier and I knew I could be a prettier girl --- zero doubts.

So, quietly at home, I shaved every last part of my body and, over time, I grew my hair to about shoulder length --- and I went to school wearing my normally androgynous but now ever-increasingly feminine styles. I started wearing a tiny bit of makeup, and plucked my eyebrows and, after a few months, had both ears and my tongue and naval pierced. One weekend I wore a dress and heels to a club, added a bit of makeup, and BANG --- my love life changed. I had 6 guys hit on me in one night. I was popular for the first time ever. That night I was finally romantically kissed ---- for the first time ever --- by a really hot stud college guy from Rice University. I fell in love.

Back in high school we could opt out of gym class if we did other activities --- so, naturally, i joined the cheerleading squad --- it accepted boys. I also played flute in the band but I went full-time on cheerleading after freshman year.

Then, only months later from my initial discovery of "ladyboy" and transgendered person porn, as I was developing my feminine persona, the next huge shift occurred: As I was relishing and prideful in my tiny-ness, and now discovering my girly-ness, and wondering where it was all going, one night at home alone in my room, I found sissy-hypno --- or maybe sissy-hypno devoured me, I am not sure. But the word SISSY just grabbed me. Was that it? Was I a sissy? It was like crack on my brain. I hadn't yet been with a guy OR a girl intimately yet, and I was still, like so many high school students, questioning my sexuality. Sissy-hypno hit my brain like a nuclear explosion ---- in one night of devouring everything I could find on SISSIFICATION and being a SISSY, it mushroomed and blew away EVERY thought in my head --- from that moment on I could think of NOTHING else other than what sissy-porn preaches, that (1) that I was indeed a feminine, useless as a male, weak, and brainless SISSY, (2) that my DESTINY was to serve a masculine ALPHA MALE, that (3) I was to wear the sexiest clothes and heels and (4) become the prettiest feminine sissy I could be.

Period. That was it. I never looked back. Not once. And, I did all of THAT --- I overachieved massively. While I never got into the forced humiliation portion of the genre, I definitely got into being wth a stronger, more masculine "alpha-male" muscular hunky type of man. I felt so protected in their arms.

I was the cutest sexiest hottest GIRL out there. Life was wonderful. I had more attention from people (virile older hunky MEN, and jealous girls) than I EVER had in my entire life. Being a GIRL was life-changing. I went from unknown to, in certain circles, being THE person to know and flirt with and win over.

I started hormone replacement therapy almost immediately, while still in Sophmore year (illegally, at first, of course), and have not stopped. I now a very curvy (34D-22-34) feminine shape, and I have very feminine attributes and mannerisms.

So here I am over four years later. I have not worn guy clothes in 4+ years (but once). My closet has nothing but feminine clothing and shoes. It has been that way forever now. I rise each day, do hair and makeup and get pretty. I alway wear heels and mini-dresses, as I have always felt that being a sexy and alluring girl is the funnest part of being a girl. I am obsessed with very expensive sexy designer shoes (Louboutin, Zanotti, Casadei, McQueen, DSquared2, etc) and similarly with bags (LV, Gucci, YSL).

I am a total fashion whore. My hair is long and pretty and I wear makeup every day -- the fact is, I slay. I slay the look every day. I am probably prettier and sexier and more stylish than almost every girl any one of you have seen in a month. I work at a MAC Cosmetics store as a full-time make-up artist. I have an older (30 yo) boyfriend that I live with in a very sensual and sexually driven relationship. Since high school I have dated and had sexual relations with men -- only men -- and at that, many dozens of men.

So, as i think about maybe reversing back to a male life, I look in the mirror and I see a very pretty Asian woman. I am hot. To other men, I am extremely attractive and alluring. I cause them to stumble and turn and lust, and I like(d) that.

To me? I am finished with being me --- with me being "Jamie".

OK, I guess THAT is enough background. Without going in the details of WHY, I must say this: I am unhappy as hell. I want to reverse my decisions and be what I was born to be --- a guy. A man. Or at least understand IF I CAN BE a man, or if it is too late for me.

But I do not even KNOW how to BE A MAN. My formative years were hijacked by porn so thoroughly that I have no idea how to get back to start.

I have tried reprogramming. I recently tried buying and wearing boy-clothes (for the first time in years) and then passing as a guy --- sounds odd, huh? Even when I dressed as a guy, trying to act like a guy, people called me "Ma'am" and "girl" and such.

My movements, mannerisms, voice inflections and patterns are all very feminine --- they betray my "act" as a guy.

I have tried to find my way back. I stare at other girls and then my eyes go to their guys and I think about what they'd be like to kiss --- the guy, not the girl. I have tried to watch normal STR8 porn to try to get attracted to real women and their bodies and parts, but all I see are the guys and their hot bodies and big thingies ---- and I get turned on by all that. Not the women. The men.

Maybe I really am trans? Or gay? I know it must seem that way but I feel like I am now so curious about what it is like to be a real man. I do not really know ---- but what I KNOW is that I NEVER HAD A CHANCE to see if I was really a guy --- what is it like to be a MAN? ---- I do not know, as my brain was hijacked into deep, submissive, girly femininity in early adolescence.

My QUESTION: Has anyone else dealt with this, such a deep immersion to this for so long? Has anyone ever returned from this? I will be happy to take anyone's advice.
Click to expand...

You can be everyone you wan't james/Jamie
The point is,you should accept yourself
If you don't Like being Jamie then CHANGE
You have the Power to do this as a human being
And If you wan't to stay this way anyway ok, and you should Just accept you as you are
a shiny,amazing human being

Deleted Account, May 30, 2017

Deleted Account, May 30, 2017

#111
May 30, 2017 #112

Deleted Account Guest

Lazarus Shuttlesworth said: ↑

Welcome back! I'm glad you decided to continue your journey on here.
Click to expand...

ThanQ -- I needed to come back

Deleted Account, May 30, 2017

Deleted Account, May 30, 2017

#112
May 30, 2017 #113

Deleted Account Guest

Rockyroad said: ↑

Hello Jamie,
It is great to hear from you again. It is definitely a tough road to take. I have only logged in a few times in the last month and am back for additional support. Besides, the site has felt a bit stale since you left. Hope that you are doing okay. Are you prepared for Rice U? #underscoregalore
Click to expand...

Hi boo ---- yes, I am starting summer semester next week. Excited. I missed our chats

Deleted Account, May 30, 2017

Deleted Account, May 30, 2017

#113
May 30, 2017 #114

Deleted Account Guest

D . J . said: ↑

Welcome back!
Click to expand...

ThanQ DJ

Deleted Account, May 30, 2017

Deleted Account, May 30, 2017

#114

D . J . likes this.
May 30, 2017 #115

Deleted Account Guest

Hunter1463 said: ↑

You can be everyone you wan't james/Jamie
The point is,you should accept yourself
If you don't Like being Jamie then CHANGE
You have the Power to do this as a human being
And If you wan't to stay this way anyway ok, and you should Just accept you as you are
a shiny,amazing human being
Click to expand...

Awwwwwww----you are awesome!!!! ThanQ

Deleted Account, May 30, 2017

Deleted Account, May 30, 2017

#115
May 30, 2017 #116

D . J . Fapstronaut

13,510

8,630

143

My Journal

Jamie_K_ said: ↑

ThanQ DJ
Click to expand...

You're not new to this so begin your new journal and copy/ paste a link here so we can follow and encourage you.

D . J ., May 30, 2017

D . J ., May 30, 2017

#116
May 30, 2017 #117

Deleted Account Guest

D . J . said: ↑

You're not new to this so begin your new journal and copy/ paste a link here so we can follow and encourage you.
Click to expand...

is there a way to just get my old ID back?

Deleted Account, May 30, 2017

Deleted Account, May 30, 2017

#117
May 31, 2017 #118

D . J . Fapstronaut

13,510

8,630

143

My Journal

Jamie_K_ said: ↑

is there a way to just get my old ID back?
Click to expand...

That I do not know. Check with a moderator.

D . J ., May 31, 2017

D . J ., May 31, 2017

#118
May 31, 2017 #119

Deleted Account Guest

MY NEW THREAD:

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...-girls-brain-on-porn-men-and-shopping.105846/

Deleted Account, May 31, 2017

Deleted Account, May 31, 2017

#119
May 31, 2017 #120

Lazarus Shuttlesworth Fapstronaut

2,038

9,324

143

My Journal

Jamie_K_ said: ↑

is there a way to just get my old ID back?
Click to expand...

@Rubidium helped me get back my deleted journal, I'm sure he'd able to help.

Lazarus Shuttlesworth, May 31, 2017

Lazarus Shuttlesworth, May 31, 2017

#120

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