Working out my many issues

Hello everyone.

I'm a 17 year old boy, going on 18, and I am currently trying wrestling with a couple different issues from porn, fetishism/kinks, and the dualities in my life caused by them.

I started masturbating when I was around 5 or so, and masturbated every night up until last year. This excessive masturbation caused me to develope a diaper fetish, as when I was still a bedwetter, I would masturbate in my night diapers. I discovered it when I hit puberty at 12 years old. After discovering the online diaper fetish community, I began reading fetish stories online, and masturbated to them. I didn't think they counted as real porn, seeing as they didn't contain any visuals, but looking at them now, they are still porn in all the ways that matter.

I ended up moving up to blogs containing images and captions related to this fetish. Every so often I would see a gif of

Spoiler: Description of sex act

a girl sucking a man's dick

, or some other sexually explicit content. This eventually led to me looking at porn videos, though not ever as a regular thing, and always with shame and regret afterwards. In addition to this, the stories I read ended up containing other fetishes like BDSM, and sissification, which has led to me getting turned on by both.

Sissification in particular has taken hold as of late, since it is often part of these diaper fetish stories, leading up to me cutting some of my boxers into a crude skirt to wear when I'm alone.

This last event (I did this a couple weeks ago) has made me very uncomfortable, because the hard truth for me is that diaper fetishism, and sissification are both real feelings and desires I currently have, and yet they both totally conflict with who I am as a person, and who I aspire to be.

I workout, do karate, am looking to go into the coastguard, I write stories, I am a talented mathematician. I just have this aversion to anything remotely girly or what I perceive as un-manly. I want to learn to be a strong person who doesn't need anyone, but this conflicts with these other feelings I have toward these kinks, which involve being helpless and powerless. Looking back on my life, I suppose I've kind of explored a lot of traditionaly girly things, such as ballet, playing with dolls, and as a young boy, I admit to watching and enjoying My Little Pony.

So my real personal question is whether this is just a natural feeling I've developed as I've gotten older, or if maybe I might be overcompensating for something. I admittedly have had brief moments of feelings for other boys, and I do enjoy physically touching other boys' bodies. All that muscle! So yeah, I'm wondering if I might be bi, or if it's just another effect of the porn I've looked at.

But this is where Nofap comes in. If I can go without PMO, and other instant gratification based things for awhile, and reset my brain, I think I can get some real answers about my orientation and sexual preferences.

I'm looking forward to this journey of self discovery, and to talking to all you people looking for self improvement.

 

Hey @Flyhigh ,

I'm just a normal ordinary member. No moderator super powers and no special insite. I share my ESH (Experience, Strength and Hope) of what works for me.

Just another warm welcome and a heart felt hello. This community has helped me so much.

What worked for me was "working" it. It took hard work for me to complete a hard reboot (No pmo) for 120 days, then move into a Sex Positive mode.

First, reading the literature published by NoFap itself along with reading journals.

Then, doing the work. Writing in my journal and replying to introductions and other's journals.

Finally, but not least, getting involved with the fellowship. I found it on the forums, but also in people's profiles. The forums tend to be longer posts, where the profiles tend to be more "conversational".

That is what has worked for me. I like to remind myself that this community was here waiting for me with the lights on when I arrived. Now, I have to do my best to be there when someone comes to the community.

--> L

 

Thanks for the support guys, it means a lot.

I've thought about it, and after looking over many other threads in the introductions, I would like to take the time to say just how lucky I am.

I am still young, and my brain is much less hardbwired than an adult's. And my use of porn has been mostly in literature form, since there aren't very many widely available pornos for my specific fetish that I am aware of, though as I said before, I watched some.

It makes my recovery that much easier, and I just want to take the time to feel grateful for what the world has given me.

I do plan on keeping up with this site, and I do believe that with quite a bit of strength, I can do this.

 

Here are some resources that are very helpful.

• Download the free Getting Started guide.

• Set up a PMO-Counter Badge. More info here!

• Basic introduction to the science of porn addiction!

• Basic information about rebooting and how our challenges can help you recover from PMO. This is the most important page to read. If you only can read one page, read this one.

• About NoFap.

• Watch this video - it is an epic intro resource if you want to get particular details about porn addiction and how it changes how your brain works.

• This is a good light-weight video about porn addiction.

• Read through the journal sections and see what other rebooters have experienced. It is good to know what to expect, otherwise the "chaser effect", "the surge", or the "flatline" might throw you off.

• If you come across vocabulary that you can't understand, check out our rebooting glossary of terms.

• GET ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR HABITS! Sign up for a peer accountability partner.

This is not my list you can look it up at: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/new-users-list-of-rebooting-resources.50878/

Also member @2525 (a really amazing and helpful guy) has a list in his signature that I find helpful. Here it is directly from his signature:

50+ Habits for your Reboot | 3 Most Common Mistakes | 7 Days Challenge | A question about your reboot? | Daily Intention Thread


One more thing I'd recommend is just say hello to some members on their profiles. Introduce yourself.

You can find profiles by clicking "Members" at the top and then, "New Profile Posts".

Welcome again,

--> L

 

Thanks for the resources. They've been pretty helpful.

I've tried this before on my own, but I would always just give up on it after just a few days. So yeah, an accountability partner is probably the best way to go about this. Thanks.