Yet Another Porn Widow (my journey)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by alphazingersalsa, Jul 8, 2019.

  1. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    You are infinitely valuable, because Jesus GAVE UP HIS LIFE FOR YOU... Just think about it.... We only die for something or someone we value very much....
    God loves the individual YOU infinitely.... Even if there was no other human in the world except you, Jesus would still have given his life for you....
     
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  2. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    I know that feeling, when you may feel like you need to "plan something perfectly" or "analyze" something, or think something through fully etc... They are symptoms of anxiety, and indicate that you need to relax.... You do not need to plan everything perfectly, correct every single mess, or do all things perfectly, even in your spiritual life....

    A very good quote from Padre Pio is
    "Pray, hope and don't worry"... We just have to do our duties to the best of our present ability, hope in God, and be patient and relax.... God will take care of the rest...
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2019
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  3. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    If your husband doesn't value you enough, then that doesn't reduce your value one bit, because our value comes from the God who created us and loves us...
    You husband SHOULD be loving you and not hurting you... If he doesn't love you enough, then that's his own fault, for damaging his own ability to love, by means of poisoning his brain with Pornography and adultery.... You don't need to blame yourself...
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2019
  4. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    I think you are taking medical help right? That's quite useful, even if for a temporary period..
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2019
  5. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Always remember that God loves you more than you can imagine, will work out everything for your good, has blessed you with a wonderful child, has given you a valuable life and will give you eternal life in the next world, and will never forsake you, even if it feels like he's not acting immediately....
    We are all here to encourage and support you.....
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2019
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  6. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    I brought this up in Bible Study: As Christians, we are taught to “surrender” and “not worry” and “rest and cast our cares...” but “culture” or the world as we know it, sees this as “inaction”. “Give us this day our DAILY bread...” - a blogger or writer had mentioned that God gives us what is needed daily - not weekly, not monthly, not yearly...Because it is by “daily” that we really can put faith into practice. That made so much sense to me, especially now. I feel I can go by each day - not without struggle, I’m not going to lie, but I get through it with grace and love feom God. But again, I feel
    Like this “daily” approach is seen as irresponsibility, inaction...A disservice
    To my daughter. “Move on!” - everyone tells me. Am
    i not daily by giving my husband what he asks of me (documents for divorce). Am I not moving daily by living my life as I should each day when what I would really like to do is sleep long and hard and wake one one day and my family is restored, my husband choosing recovery from
    His addiction?

    Each day is a struggle, buts every night I close my eyes with the belief that one day, maybe the breakthrough will come. What that breakthrough is, I don’t quite know! Will it be my husband telling me: “I need help for this!” Will it be an unexplicablw will and guidance from
    The Holy Spirit - “This is what you need to do...You are strong and mighty!” . Will it be an opportunity that will change the course of this madness?

    Yes, I admit to dark thoughts that seduce me into resting forever but at the end of the day, I still slumber with a prayer in my head...Another day, closer Lord, another day closer.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2019
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  7. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Jesus himself says"let the day's own trouble be enough for the day"
    Whether your husband chooses to go on the path of recovery or refuses to even try to change is mainly up to him.... Don't stress yourself out for that... Of course if he repents of his actions and tries to make big changes to himself, then that's wonderful... I'm also praying that your husband sees the light and repents, but even if he doesn't, don't blame yourself for that.... If he goes his own way, then it may serve as a kind of "Rock bottom" experience for him, which may goad him to change himself... Right now, remember to take care of yourself and your child... We cannot pour from an empty cup...
    And remember to pray for everyone, with as much faith as you can, accepting whatever God gives...
     
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  8. LuxPerpetua

    LuxPerpetua Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry for what you're going through alphazingersalsa. I believe God is taking care of you and that there's light ahead of you on the path He's got planned for you and your daughter. In the case of your sisters, I think when people haven't experienced first hand the trauma of being in a relationship with a sex/porn addict then they don't fully understand (or don't understand at all) how damaging that is mentally, physically, even spiritually, nor how real and destructive sex/porn addiction is. Someone who has suffered at the hands of a partner with sex/porn addiction really does need some quiet space to heal and regain their energy and enthusiasm for life. That seems to me quite normal, especially as you're going through a painful divorce at the moment. I think you're quite right to take things day by day and draw on God's strength - He will always hold you in His arms and will never abandon you.
     
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  9. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Dear Baby,

    You are staring right at me as you nurse and I feel like I am the strongest, most resilient person. One who could protect you from hurt and one who can guide you to be the woman God made you to be.

    Your eyes tell me you feel safe.
    You hands gently hold me, trusting me. Me.

    How I wish I can be the woman you think I am. The one you run to for comfort. The one who makes the crying stop. To you, I am strong. To you, I can fight anything that scares you.

    And now you’re asleep on my chest - no cares in the world, protected and comforted by my scent, skin and presence.

    I hope you don’t sense my sadness. I hope you don’t sense my pain and most of all, I hope you don’t sense my weakness. I hope you don’t feel my anger, I hope you don’t feel
    My insecurities and fears.

    Oh, dear baby, I hope to be the woman you think I am.
     
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  10. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Monday Prayer

    Oh Lord, I pray for one more chance.
    I pray for one more try.
    This time w/o the addiction, or at least, with him really trying to get over itZ

    One more try, Lord - this timec with the knowledge and experience we both have.

    One more try, Lord - this time with
    Our daughter in mind.

    One more try, one more chance, Lord.
    This I pray.

    One more try, one more chance.
    This time with You.
     
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  11. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    I'm also praying, and asking all the holy people in heaven to pray, that the Lord change your husband's heart... I'm especially asking mother Mary to intercede for you to her divine son.. that your husband turn over a new leaf...I believe nothing is impossible with God.... Jesus, please grant your daughter what she asks.... And give her strength for every day...
     
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  12. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Oh, @hillmountain your responses to my posts are most encouraging. Thank you.
     
  13. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Hello @LuxPerpetua! I’m glad to see fellow believers in this forum. This journey is such a test of faith and resilience. Day by day, God sustains me. Hopefully us SO’s and okay, even addicts too are one day closer to our breakthrough
     
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  14. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Reminders from Above

    My friends experienced a miracle.
    They’v been praying long and hard for this specific one and just before they were going to take the big leap, God made it happen! It was not too long ago that the congregation prayed for
    Them. My heart swelled with joy when she held my hand and told me
    Of the miracle. God is good, God
    Is good. Nothinh is impossible with our Lord!

    That breakthrough served as a gentle reminder of God’s goodness and sovereignity. As humans, we can only do so much, really. It was a reminder that I just need to be still and rest. He’s got this.

    Random Thoughts While Driving

    Driving home, I’ve had some quite random thoughts and perhaps silly analogies and comparisons about things I saw and experienced on the road. Could it be some sort of revalation? Maybe. Maybe not.

    Here are my random musings

    1) Cyclists and how much Im upset with them - Im a rookie driver, naturally paranoid and a new mom so I’m that uber cautious driver. Seeing cyclists upset me. Yeah, yeah, I know I should share the road but I do feel tad annoyed and angry by these folks. Why? Because mainly, they seem so vulnerable and bare and I’m afraid I might make the wrong move and hurt them. I’m upset with them because I’m afraid to hurt them really, not because they are who they are. I thought, maybe, just maybe my husband hates me because I’m all bare and vulnerable and he’s knows I’m hurt and he’s afraid to hurt me more because he knows he can. Maybe that’s thinkinh too far. I’ve humanized my husband a bit too
    Much.

    2) Lighter grip, smoother ride. I was taught to hold the steering wheel ay 10/2 position. When I was practicing drivinh with my husband, I held on to the
    Steering wheel with a tight grip thinkinh this would give me better control. However, I always veered to the right side of the lane, mainly because my right grip was stronger. As I got the hang of driving, I found that I had better control of the vehicle holdinh it at 7/5. My grip was not as tight. Held then wheel more relaxed.

    Such is life, I suppose. Sometimes you just need to adjust and loosen your grip and the ride will be better.

    Nothing to “profound” or psuedo profound today for me. Just those random
    Musings.

    Also, I woke up with the phrase “Better Together” in my head. Wonder what that means....
     
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  15. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Wedding Ring

    Im wearing my wedding ring again.

    Well, sort of. It’s hanging with a diamond cross pendant in my necklace.

    It’s not that I’m going to “fight” and work to rebuild it proactively. It’s more like, I know God can restore us if He wills it as nothing is impossible with Him.

    It’s also a reminder that my daughter was conceived in love.

    Tad dramatic today.
     
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  16. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    It's sad, the things sin can do to the most beautiful gifts of God.... Marriage, according to Christianity, is the total, loving self giving of one spouse to the other so that two become one... So that the two should love each other with a Christ-like love and also raise children up together for God....
    If only more people paid attention to such truths, and treated their marriage like that...
     
  17. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Today I was saying the rosary with my family and I offered prayers also for you, for your happiness and welfare, that your husband have a change of heart, , that he be receptive to God's call for him to repent....
     
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  18. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Let's have faith that God will change your husband's heart, but no matter what, God is always with you, as a divine Spouse who is better than the best husband, and for your daughter, God is the best Father, even if your husband doesn't set a good example....
     
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  19. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Hey SO’s

    Do you wake up some mornings missing your partners/husband? Do you wake up some mornings wishing he was healed, restored and free of his addiction.

    Then again, who do I miss when the past 15 years was plagued with deceit? Do I miss the illusion of him that I lived with? Do I miss the narrative he built around me to hide his addiction?

    Rob Weiss had said to an SO who said that her “marraige was a lie” that her marriage was real as the addict gave the best he can, with what he knew - no mattered how skewed it wad. Addicts comparmentalize really well that when they loved, they loved and when they acted out, I ceased to exist

    That made some sense. Comforting but piercing at the same time.

    He’s been cordial with me still. Im too afraid to relish this as I know I will be served with the divorce papers any day now.

    Then again, can I make a tiny space in my heart claIm a miracle??
     
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  20. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Always hope for the best... Always hope and pray even for a miracle.... But be prepared to face the worst if it happens...
    I share your hopes and greatly wish for a change of heart in your husband....
     

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