Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 1249: 07/01/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Exercise.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me a lovely trifecta, and then we watched an awesome episode of Loki.

Today, Wade is held up at work but he had plans to fix our car anyway. I did my morning exercise and then started going through my objectives for the day... it has been a crazy morning so far... I hope the rest of the day is not going to continue this way.

Hoping for some peace and resolve with a few issues that have presented themselves.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Tried to focus on what I had to do, even when distracted.

 

DAY 1250: 07/02/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Knee Compressor.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, Wade stayed up all day, so he was exhausted by night. We watched some TV and then went to bed.

Today, Wade is taking my dad to a doctor's appointment, so we can't go for our walk. I did my morning workout, although I did lay in bed for about 10 minutes pondering if I should skip it lol. Wade and I did our stuff and are thinking about going to a few stores later on if there will be time and the weather won't be too bad.


_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Exercised although I wanted to take a break.

 

DAY 1251: 07/03/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Teamwork.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, Wade was too exhausted (and in too much pain) for the trifecta [and I wasn't expecting it anyway] after single-handedly redoing our entire balcony. I picked the 'look' items and new furniture but he made it happen. I appreciate all of the work he put in to make it happen. Now, it just has a different (calming) feel to it, I love it.

Today, the weather continued to be crappy, so I did my morning workout at home and then we tidied up a bit together, to save time later. Wade's parents are coming for a visit later on and I hope that there will not be any drama between them and my parents, sigh.

*** Hoping for peace lol.


_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No triggers.

 

DAY 1252: 07/04/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Socks.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, Wade was tired again... another long day, well this weekend has been super busy. He skipped the back rub but still did the hand/food rub, which I appreciate, it got me sleepy. We watched some TV and then headed to bed, it is nice when he is off for the night.

Today, Wade went fishing with my dad, I did some morning exercises at home. After his nap, we plan on having a little BBQ for our kids to celebrate the day.



_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Worked out, although I wanted to skip.

 

DAY 1253: 07/05/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, our eldest lied to us and a battle ensued, she was punished and that was exhausting. We stayed up to watch the fireworks with our little one who braved the loud bangs, something she couldn't do other years. Overall, other than the one issue it was a good day.

Today, we went for our morning walk after giving my parents their anniversary presents. During the walk, Wade told me about a podcast he listened to about what makes your 'habit' a problem/addiction and what does not. I agree with his opinion on this, it was a good walk with a nice breeze. This evening we'll have a small celebration for my parents 48 years together.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No triggers.

 

DAY 1254: 07/06/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Exercise.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, after a long while Wade gave me a trifecta, and omg my back felt so relaxed after. We watched a little TV before it was time for him to leave for work and I went to bed.

Today, Wade has overtime, so I'll see him for like 30 minutes until tomorrow. #Sad ... My parents took my little one to the park/fishing. I don't know when they will be back, I plan on taking her to the pool if the weather permits/we have time. Then, just chilling the rest of the day... if I will be allowed to lol.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
My hair looks fab.

 

DAY 1254: 07/07/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Everyone having their own PC.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night was lonely, Wade had been working all day/night. I was home with the kids and my parents stopped by and left me with a massive headache. Anyhow, I watched some funny videos to keep myself distracted and then went to bed.

Today, Wade and I did one round of walking, he was tired. Thankfully I did my morning workout, so I still felt accomplished. It is super humid outside, muggy, and just bleh. I think I will skip the pool today, maybe we will all go together tomorrow. I just want to relax in silence and not be disturbed, my head is pounding.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No triggers.

 

DAY 1255: 07/08/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we watched the latest episode of Loki, and all I can say is they really made this series well, we love it. Afterward, I went straight to bed and he left for work.

Today, during our walk, we spoke about the ongoing saga with Britney Spears, she was someone I enjoyed listening to as I was growing up - and we are almost the same age. Poor girl has been through the wringer and no one is looking out for her best interests, only their own. I also got into it with someone on FB on this matter and that was annoying. We decided to skip a mini-vacation and just do family activities locally in order to save some money and stay out of debt. Later, we plan on heading out to the pool if the weather permits.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
There were a few triggers but I got through them.

 

DAY 1256: 07/09/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, the trifecta hit all of the right spots! I was in a lot of pain and that really helped to provide some relief. Then we watched some TV and called it a night. I did try to wait up to hear a notification come in from Wade, but I passed out. There has been torrential rain and flooding here, thanks Elsa, so I wanted to know he made it to work safely.

Today, the downpour continues, plus Wade had to take my dad to a doctor's appointment, so obviously, we couldn't go for our walk. My foot hurt (from last evening) so I couldn't do my morning workout either, which sucked. We might go run some errands when he gets back, but I am not sure if that is such a great idea. Today might just end up being a lazy day.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Didn't let the scale discourage me too much.

 

DAY 1257: 07/10/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we had a date night at home, where we began watching "Black Widow". We had to stop midway because we were both so tired. So far, as a Marvel fan - it's okay.

Today, we found some time to get a walk in before going to Dave and Buster's with our kids. Everyone had a good time there, and then we had a nice family lunch. Luckily, although it was a Saturday, there weren't many people/triggers there. Good thing because I've been super exhausted/laggy all day, must be the weather.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Enjoyed playing arcade games with my kids.

 

DAY 1258: 07/11/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Finishing My Tearsheets.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we continued our date night and finished watching Black Widow, it was OKAY, not sure what all the fuss is about. They could have done her story much better, but I digress. Afterward, we went to bed and because our eldest was at my parent's place... we had a little fun haha, we both waited a long time for this.

Today, Wade and my dad went fishing, so I worked out at home and had to listen to/pep talk to our little one, again - about how learning is how we grow and not giving up when there's a challenge. After yesterday, my brain is tired of this looping conversation. I hope she finally gets it, but she is little so I think this is going to be an ongoing topic/theme. My mom stopped by bright and early ... so much noise when all I want is some peace and quiet. Later, after Wade's nap, we thought we would head out to the pool but it is looking like it is about to rain again, so we might just run some errands instead. I hope there won't be any (or at least minimal) triggers there, especially because my parents want to tag along and I don't have the mental compacity for that.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Trying to stay positive.

 

DAY 1259: 07/12/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, after a soothing trifecta, we continued watching Manifest, I really hope Netflix picks it up and renews it. Earlier in the evening though, Wade and I almost peed our pants listening to some Amazon reviews! Hilarious!! >> "Funniest Amazon Reviews On Social Media - REACTION".

Today, we went for a quick walk, midway through a trigger popped up and she continued being in front of us for a bit, once we finally got away, turned around she appeared yet again. This turned our conversation into our sore topic: triggers and taking a leap of faith. I want to get there, I do - I want to stop living on a constant emotional roller coaster. However, my fear is still so strong ... I'm always waiting for the 'this is going to be the time' because I don't want to get hurt again and because I honestly can see why they are more attractive to him than I am, I see everything they have, that I do not (why he would want them more, etc). He tells me that he notices who would trigger me and those he would have ogled in the past, but feels nothing towards them, moves on quickly without giving them a second thought anymore, and only has eyes for me. It also does not help when I catch him omitting information or gaslighting me once in a while. Even though he says he just forgets sometimes when he is in the middle of describing something but that's only because he tells me everything these days and doesn't think too much about it when he speaks. I want to believe him, but I don't know how to get to a point where I can give a true leap of faith and not getting triggered so badly, so often - I break down and question too many things in my head I guess, don't know how to stop. I love him so much, I know/see how much he has changed, at times I even get close to believing him when he tells me that he only wants me, but then something occurs and it makes me pause and think way too much, which usually leads me off the rails - fear hits and I start spinning. I think I just confused and gave myself a headache with my rambling, ugh.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Was triggered when he retold the story, was able to relay my frustrations to him in a calm way.

 

DAY 1260: 07/13/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Exercise.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we watched some more Manifest, as he gave me a hand and foot rub. Man, I really hope someone picks it up!

Today, Wade was stuck at work, so I knew we wouldn't be able to go for our walk. I was so exhausted after barely sleeping, I was tossing and turning in the morning talking myself in and out of working out. I finally decided to just do it and did, I felt accomplished after, which felt good. Now I am watching YouTube videos with my little one, she finds the weirdest content entertaining lol but whatevs. I have a feeling I'll have guests soon, so I hope I will have a little time to myself at some point today - fingers crossed.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Made myself work out, felt accomplished after.

 

DAY 1261: 07/14/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Drive.
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Last night, Wade gave me a lovely trifecta, during the backrub he talked to me about his shame coming up the night before. That when he messes up or forgets something, he automatically thinks he is disappointing me and that I could do better than him, etc. I had told him earlier that I was fine and did not think anything of 'the issue' that arose, so he doesn't need to worry - it wasn't a big deal for me, but I do understand where he is coming from. I know that those feelings just come up... like an uncontrollable trigger reflex. I am glad we are at a place where he can vent to me and I can understand him.

Today, during our drive to the store we listened to "THIS is How You Keep the SEXUAL SPARK ALIVE in Your Relationship" a Q&A, on Relationship Theory with Tom & Lisa Bilyeu. During this set, Tom and Lisa get candid about what it takes for them to continue having a healthy sex life after 20 years of marriage. Understanding your tendencies and sexual needs is key regardless of who you are. Wade and I believe that these two haven't answered the question at hand in a long while. In this one, they completely trailed off and Tom even dropped some truths that would have offended me if I were Lisa. It was a nice chat and easy trip, without any triggers. Now, time to relax!~

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For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No triggers.

 

DAY 1262: 07/15/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, Wade gave me a nice trifecta, it really helped my big backache. Then, we watched the season finale of "Loki" and overall awesome show, but the ending was a bit 'meh' for us, as Marvel fans. Then he left for work and I went to bed.

Today, I did my morning workout and then we went for our walk. During our walk, we talked about his job... and then I got triggered twice along the path. Towards the end of it, he asked me if anything was wrong because he noticed my demeanor changed. I often find it odd when he asks me that, especially because he knows that there is only one thing that really does that to me AND because I know that he, OF COURSE, noticed her too. It's kind of obvious and it irritates me when he acts like he has no clue what could have possibly happened because we both know that he already knows and is perhaps just phishing to see if maybe he'd get lucky and I didn't notice her. Anyway, this led to our usual trigger/leap of faith talk. As we were having this talk, we had to make one pitstop before heading home, and of course, as soon as he walked out of the car to get to the store, on the other end was another trigger, a prime. I noticed he looked over and turned his head back and went into the store. This left me wondering, as I sat and waited in the car... what he was thinking? and then when she walked past the store door if he turned around to get another peek because I wasn't near him. When he got back in the car he admitted that he noticed her and says he didn't turn around to look some more, but I dunno. He proceeds to tell me that although I see all of the things they have that I don't, to him all he thinks about is all the things I have that they don't. It sounds great in theory, and I should be over the moon to hear that but I don't know if I can believe it. I know our connection is great and does not compare, but when it comes to the attraction I don't believe I am what he truly desires deep down, and eventually, he will realize that, want to leave me and get himself 'a prime'. Look I know what I look like, I know what they look like and I can never get there, no matter what I do. How will I ever really know that he only has eyes for me and is telling me the truth? I will never know because I can not get into his head. Sigh, the closer I get to my birthday, the more depressed I get, and to be honest I do not even want to celebrate, what's the point? My birthday reminds me that I am only aging; while his primes continue to be young and hot... plus, busting my ass to lose weight and not getting the results I want makes matters worse. Also, what if there will be triggers at the restaurant too? ugh, my brain is about to explode.

Later today we plan on going to the pool, I hope that there will not be any more triggers there, I do not think I can mentally handle any more of them today. I already feel and look like $hit, piling on more triggers will completely push me further into the ground. I am exhausted by all of this, I think this baggage weighs more than I do at this point and it's really weighing me down.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Trying to stay positive, even through these triggers.

 

Believe me, I understand what you're saying - I do and yes loving the heart/person matters more, but at this point, to have peace of mind - I need to have it all (heart and feel secure that he wants me/is attracted to me, physically - no matter who is around) in order to feel safe and secure in this relationship. I have been so traumatized over the span of 12 years, by the PA but more so, the nonstop ogling (esp right in front of me / while totally ignoring my existence).

He hasn't relapsed and has been progressing daily in his recovery for over 3 years, I am so proud of him and how far he has come. He has proven to me that he wants recovery and this marriage to work. I love and appreciate how he treats me these days too. We are really connected on another level etc, and I am fully keen on all of that - until one of *them* passes by and I lose all sense of self and the influx of painful reminders & fears start going through my head, a mile a minute, uncontrollably, throwing me into a tizzy.

I just can't help the thought/fear that there might come a day where he will decide that he does prefer one of them. And I will be hurt yet again, that maybe the heart and connection won't be enough for him.

I know he is connected to me, we have intimacy and he is attracted to me as a person, however, although he swears he is, me not feeling like I am who he'd want physically is tearing me down and keeping me from feeling that comfort/safety. Because in my head, that leaves the door for the other shoe to drop at any point, which scares me.

I hope my response makes sense, sometimes I ramble... I want him to want me, both internally and externally to earn that security, where I feel like nothing will get in our way, even aging in the future.

 

DAY 1263: 07/16/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Learning.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, after a long trigger-filled day and I mean full DAY (yep, triggers at the pool too)... all I wanted to do is curl up in a ball and cry. However, I didn't have time to feel or process my own emotions because our eldest was being, herself and by that, I mean acting up and frustrating us, but especially Wade. After venting about her, Wade and I were about to talk about the pool and just triggers in general. It's nice to be able to talk to him about all this, even if he is the root cause, it's odd because I continue to feel like I am talking to a new partner, about an ex and we are breaking down my baggage from that previous relationship. Anyway, then after the trifecta, we watched a bit of TV before I went to bed. Grateful that the next night he will be home with me on his staycation.

Today, I woke up and again began convincing myself of all the reasons to skip this morning's workout, I don't like that the last few weeks this has been an issue. I think it's because I am not seeing the results I am working so hard to achieve. Anyhow, Wade has to take my dad to an appointment today, after he will probably go to sleep and then we will head to the pool if it does not start raining. My initial idea was to go to the pool first, then he naps, and then maybe go and run an errand, but I know he needs his sleep. Maybe tomorrow we can go to the store, it's mostly for him anyway.

I think I will continue trying to organize my digital life, man I have too many files! I truly understand what people get free interns for data entry haha.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check-in with, and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I'm open to learning new things.

 

It is not dumb at all!! that is exactly how I feel and why I have such a conflict going on in my own head. I feel legit CRAZY in my current situation because all of the other factors have indeed changed: he has been in recovery and putting in the work for over 3 years. I know he puts me first now, compliments me, makes me feel good, and I don't feel like this is a ruse and he is secret still in addiction mode in secret, I know it's for real this time. The connection is there, like never before, I can even talk to him about all this oddly enough. However, even with all of these new factors in play, I can not, at this moment, feel that our connection/heart is the only thing that should matter. I also need to feel all of it, both the heart as well as him only desiring me, over anyone else. I spent 12+ years feeling like a ghost, not enjoying one single event (birthdays, anniversaries, vacations, etc)... because no matter what, his focus was always on whoever was passing by. So now, the heart is not the only thing that I need, I need to FEEL in my gut that no matter who is nearby, I am the only girl his focus and eyes are on. Once I FEEL I have both his heart and attention* only then will I feel safe.