Day 13 Sometimes sth happens and you are speechless .. you experience sth very unusual and you are afraid that the energy inside that experience start to leak once you put it in words .. do you know that? .. to stay silent and just experience the moment fully .. words words stay inside .. do not distract me .. brothers and sisters .. I wish you a peaceful new year full of gratefulness, clarity , love, joy and closeness to solve your own mystery of being who you are, and being close to figure out what you are doing here and now .. a moment of realisation that takes you beyond sorrows, beyond hopes, beyond fears, beyond joys .. somewhere there where you feel whole .. where there is no grief over the past or worries about future .. realising that you are a human .. and that this gift is worth defending against the dark forces around us "Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair" [/QUOTE]
If you can block or stop going to YouTube or anything similar for a few days, and try to manage your needs for studies/work in another way. Hang in there brother.
I also found YouTube triggering many times. I also couldn't control myself from watching useless and triggering videos. So, I disabled it. And I no more use it right now. Until, I am confident enough in my recovery and I am able to control myself to only use it for useful purposes. If you don't have to use it for work or study, you can do that too. Or If you use it for work or study as @On_The_Way Said see if you can manage them in other way. You can also turn on the restricted mode it YouTube, it may help to sone extent. It would feel a bit awkward in the starting but you will get used to it as I have.
Its sad to see so many of you still relapsing . But its happier to see how most of you didnt give up , we shall fight this addiction till death.
As for me I have stopped P almost completely, free of this shit forever. Now just focusing on reducing my MO to fantasy and meeting my goals
Alright, I just let myself down yet another time. Relapse. And just like with the last 3 relapses I am drunk and sleep deprived. So this is it, no more alcohol. I can get along well without drinking every weekend. I will stay abstinent from alcohol for 3 months. It is something I have never done in my life. The longest I went without alcohol was like 1 week maybe as I drink practically every weekend cause of social habits. But it is necessary as it is the strongest risk factor for me and my recovery from pmo addiction. 3 months no alcohol, no pmo, and sticking to my plan. Day zero. Again. Fuck this!!!
day 0 - Total a relapsed by searching. Happy news years for you all, I hope that 2023 will be the best year of your life. Today I had a very deep conversation with a friend of mine, It was fucking awesome. All said most of the things that I`ve been thinking and struggling on the last year. Sometimes you can know I person for years and still know very little about this person.
Day 46! Trying to stay strong! Been a lot of turmoil in my life the past few days, but not letting it get to me.
P: 45 days M: 71 days O: 71 days * 5 PMO but no relapse * 1 MO but no relapse * Averaging 11.8 days on PMO nofap * 11 days straight nofap
Day 27 Updates: Was feeling a bit low yesterday. It's okay to feel empty and bored. Maybe I'm drained from working hard during the weekend. And for that I am grateful. I need to learn how to chill and enjoy my free time on the weekend. Happiness and contentment is a choice. About that woman, I don't know if she'll make time to see me again before she flies back to the UK. And that makes me sad. But I've already gone farther than I had expected, and she was much better company than I had expected. So I am trying to cherish that and not be greedy for more. This is a good lesson she's given me. I'm thankful to her. Can't always get my way. If I want women like that to want and desire me, then I have to face these disappointments until I have grown to be a much more attractive man. This is all part of the process. I'm resolving to switch to a simple bar phone to help reduce my smartphone usage. I keep checking for notifications incessantly. Don't know how I'll find the balance yet. Maybe shift my calling SIM to the barphone, and have my smartphone switched off through the workday, and when I want some undistracted time off. I could maybe only use my smartphone when I'm leaving the house, as I need Maps and music for the gym, and have it turned off while I'm at home. Excited to join a gym tomorrow. Want to spend less time on the phone and read more, maybe practice the ukulele.
Day 14 Who is inside that hates me so much? Constant flow of negativity towards who I am .. Why that much hate? .. makes you compare to feel jealousy .. remind you of your failures to feel despair .. reminds you of when people were unjust to you to feel anger .. reminds you of the challenges you may see in the future to feel hopeless .. and you can not stop listening .. he has the inside-ear .. you are astonished I am personalising such voice? .. you think anything inside you is you? .. how can I consider sth as part of me if it means to harm me? .. How? .. If he/she/it (I do not care) means to harm me .. I can not call it "me" or even part of "me" .. It is sth else .. and it is up to no good .. it means to break my soul .. my inner core .. to diminish any hope .. collect all the darkness in one spot .. hide any light .. it wants you to admit that you are no good at all .. that no one cares about you .. it makes you forget good memories about yourself and good opinions of people towards .. but relax .. this is temporary .. you will see .. you will see your goodness in a very short time .. maybe tomorrow morning .. maybe in the afternoon .. it is a very cruel force .. but I tell you sth .. it is very weak .. the more cruel it gets, know it is about to give up and surrender part of your territory to you .. yes yes it has captured many of your territories .. the more you resist it , the more it has to give up some of your "lands" .. if you yield, it colonises more .. so relax .. if it is tough on you, it is because you are winning .. just know that .. morning does not come except when the night is the darkest, right? "Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair" [/QUOTE]
I will tell you sth I wish sb has told it to me when I relapsed after 6 months .. If you distracted yourself for a week to 10 days, with only one goal of mind .. NOT TO BINGE .. you will regain your progress .. It is NOT Zero .. Believe me it is not .. Do not give up brother!
Thank you @WantsToQuit2021 @Leonflado @keplerb @On_The_Way for responding to my question! I really appreciate that you took the time to put your thoughts into words as hard as it may be, I know it is for me... I especially liked what @On_The_Way said, you put into words and made a beautiful visual description of exactly what I have felt many times... About having to press the "NO" button constantly knowing that there's also a "yes" button... Or how we sometimes start to feel a stranger in our minds that is trying to harm us, that makes us question whether we are even deserving of being considered a "good" person... Hope you all had an easy end/start of a year and continue on this healthy path, even if you stumble along the way... 136 days
