İ don't know why this happens with me

Hi, guys
Today was the 31 and i relapsed for about 4 times within about 3 hors. İ couldn't resist the urge after first time although i relapsed without feeling urge. So

İs this binging in relapse ?
İ don't consider it binging because in the last few relapses i was masturbating till hurt myself and watching till getting exhausted for at least 2 days, but today was different. Because I still have energy or lusts and i don't intend to relapse tommorow

Finally,
I'm planning to avoid all causes this time but inside myself i feel i ruined my life because I'm diagnosed with moderate to sever depression more than 1.5 months. And today I started to feel happy about my progress but i relapsed for a silly cause and completed the full session although i didn't have the urge at first one.
What do you guys think about me?

One more thing,
My family wanted to take to psychologist for the depression and OCD but i refused and gave myself time till mid of Feb 2021 (in the vacation between semesters) because I want to stay at least 90 days without porn or masturbating.
What is your advice guys?
Note:
right now I'm outside my home and the timing in my country is 11:15 PM but I'm out because I don't want to binge in relapse but i feel i want to scream and cry especially because I started to have urges that i didn't have before and started to have thoughts about going back home to binge in relapsing as i want.
İ really hate myself but i also need your advice.