Difficult questions on porn, with honest answers

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Anoeshka, Sep 17, 2018.

  1. Anoeshka

    Anoeshka New Fapstronaut

    3
    11
    3
    Hallo!

    So my husband asked me a few difficult questions on porn and now I am posting my answers here.

    This is not an easy subject to write about. It is an even more difficult subject to discuss with your life partner, especially if it is the first time. I've been on the block for a few years already and I know that porn addiction is not something any person would sign up for. When you look at that first picture, you never know how dangerous the next and the next and the next pictures would be.

    Pornography addiction destroys families, relationships. One of the key ways to fight it is being honest with your loved ones. To bring all your lies and deception in the light so that darkness will not prevail.

    If your loved one watched porn and is addicted, then you are most probably going to travel a long and painful road; fortunately, there are pitstops of joy along the road too.

    Don't let porn addiction destroy your life. You are worth so much more!

    In what follows are my husband's questions and my responses to his questions.

    * what does sharing mean to you?

    Sharing means that you tell me you are going to tell me something that is difficult to share with me and then you honestly tell me what is going on. You tell me what happened and are being honest about it. Sure it means I am going to be hurt and maybe even upset, but at least then I will know the truth and it will help me to trust you when you share honestly. The more you hide things from me the less I can trust you. And without trust, our relationship cannot exist.

    * what does holding back mean?

    Not sharing 100% everything. For example, trying to minimize things and then not sharing. Even though you don’t share, sometimes I can feel something is wrong and then the secret gets between us.

    * emotions you feel, as my wife, when I share and how you deal with them/where+how do you find solace to carry on?

    When you share with me, I feel sad, not good enough, like I don’t want to live anymore (sometimes). I need time and God’s presence to process my emotions. I sometimes feel like I want you to hug me but at the same time, I feel like I never want to see you again. Like it is too much for me. However, when you don’t share and I find out by myself, like asking you about something and you tell me only after I asked, it makes me feel even sadder.

    * what makes this especially difficult for you due to some personal reasons?

    For me it is very difficult because I have a high sex drive and sometimes I feel like I am too much for you and then when I find out you used another form of relieve, I just feel rejected a 1000 times more than when we were only dating. The truth hits me between the eyes that I will never be good enough for you. It feels like I never want to initiate sex again because it hurts too much to be rejected by your own spouse.

    * what makes this easy for you due to personal reasons?

    I struggle with my own addictions. I watched porn in the past too, so I do realise to some extent what is going on regarding a person’s brain. I understand how temptations work and that a person cannot always be strong.

    * any advice to the man who never shared and is hesitant?

    It is the most difficult thing that you will ever do in your life. You might lose your wife forever or you might find yourself in a situation where your relationship is growing stronger than before!

    Maybe your wife already suspected something for a few years already but is not sure.

    You should ask yourself, do you want to end your addiction? Do you really want to end it? Or are you looking for help, just to get some sympathy and feel good about yourself because at least “you are trying”.

    If you decide however you want to kill your addiction you must be prepared to lose everything. Your wife will not trust you for a few months, she will find it difficult to forgive you. Remember your addiction did not happen over-night in the same way you should not expect everything between you and your wife to be okay. Be willing to go for counselling. Find a counsellor before you tell her. Make her ready. Make sure you have enough time. If need be, take her away for the weekend and tell her you want to talk about some serious business. She might scream, she might cry, it is going to be difficult. If need be, write a letter. So that you can read her the letter. Write about when it first happened, what were the circumstances. Tell her about the build up. Also, tell her about what you are already doing to break with the addiction. Tell her how serious you are about your relationship with her. Tell her what you are going to do in the future. Tell her how she fits in your accountability plan. Tell her about the people she can see for support. Most of all show her how heartbroken you are about your addiction. Tell her how much you love her, how much she means to you, she might not believe you and it may take months even years to restore her trust and help her see how much you love her.

    * any advice to the woman whose husband just shared with her, first time or not first time?

    If your man is serious about getting help and you want to stand by him, I’ll say pray, go to God ask Him how you are going to get through this. Remember your husband first sinned against God and then against you. God does not approve of his behaviour and he needs to show that he is done. If need be, go and see a professional person. Keep on praying for your husband he needs your prayer support.

    * how do you deal with the constant risk and probability that I might share with you again and that you don't control me but trust me?

    This is very difficult. It is difficult not to get cold and not withdraw myself. I have this temptation regularly to just bury myself in my work. Because I know doing my job good I feel satisfied, even wanted. I also have to remind myself that you are not perfect, you sin, just like I sin. If I feel like I have to control you, then it makes me tired. And honestly, I don’t have time for that. If you don’t want to change, then not even my control will make you change. I would rather invest my energy in something else. And if it happens that you choose porn over me consistently over time, it means that it will also destroy our relationship and I would have to walk out of it. So I need to make sure that I don’t get too much attached to you. Sometimes it feels like I have to look after myself. That I need to stay strong and stay independent for if a day comes and you no longer want me I would still be able to continue with my purpose on earth. It makes me tired, but I don’t think about it every day. Only when tough times come up.
     
  2. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    616
    1,497
    123
    Those are really good questions.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. Thank you @Anoeshka, my precious and beautiful wife, for being so brave and writing your answers here!

    You are my hero and a fellow fighter, we are in this together and I am so proud and privileged to have you in my life! Without you I would not be the better person I am today!
     

Share This Page