Girlfriend that doesn’t give blowjobs. Dealbreaker?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by mamusa123, Jul 22, 2018.

  1. mamusa123

    mamusa123 Fapstronaut

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    so been dating a girl for the past four years. I would consider myself a kinky and sexually open person willing to try everything once - this may be partly due to porn but I remember I used to have kinky sex before porn was introduced into my life. Now my current Gf, who is great in most other aspects, wont even give a blowjob or do anything other than vaginal sex which really bums me out. Everytime I mention blowjobs or doing something else like anal we get into a fight. I just feel this heavily restricts our sex lives.

    What do all you think? Is this a deal breaker? Or are blowjobs and other sexual activities other than PIV overrated
     
  2. If you love your girlfriend truly, I'd say just get over it if she does not want to do it. In the end it's just a blowjob, you can get your pleasure other ways.
     
  3. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    'anal' is a dangerous health risk.
    with the other stuff - like porn it can escalate and at the same time, satisfaction can go down.
    How about a different approach? are you familiar with Karezza?
    https://www.reuniting.info/karezza_four_easy_steps
     
  4. mamusa123

    mamusa123 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks guys. Karezza what an interesting concept! I will give that a go. Thanks again guys
     
  5. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    I think anal is really just a fad originating in P. I think it was designed as something gross or embarrassing to increase arousal (anxiety arousal), and then it went "mainstream". IDK about oral. Maybe she just feels it's one sided and thinks it's less intimate. If you've been together for 4 years and really love her, you will put her needs and wants ahead of your own "need" (really, just a want) for oral. If oral is such a deal-breaker for you, perhaps you don't really love her like you should, and should stop stringing her along in her prime years. Some food for thought and self-reflection how you really feel about her.
     
  6. mamusa123

    mamusa123 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for that. Well not just specifically anal or blowjob. But she’s just not sexually open and doesn’t really like to spice things up. Which makes it boring and too tame for tastes. Hopefully that’s just a byproduct of porn... my reasoning is that with porn my love and lust are two very seperate things. The aim is to merge the two so love for her is what drives or sex rather than the porn derived lust.
     
  7. MetaGame

    MetaGame Fapstronaut

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    Four years is a long time for no experimentation.

    I've had a gf that refused to do BJ before and was anal about anal :D ... lol I will take a guess actually about her personality. Does she work hard and clean a lot?

    Anyway I was with her for about 2 years. i didnt really care about anal but the BJ part. It wasnt about hte action, it was about lack of acceptance/willingness to try/love me enough to at least do it on a special occasion. Ive had conversations with female friends about guys not going down on them and they feel pretty rejected and unloved. As a guy there must be some deep less emotional variation of that feeling.

    My current gf gave me a BJ and even compared to full on sex with my ex. It was the first time in a long time I felt loved in that sexual way. Women often think that oh they wont like the taste or u just want to finish on their face or u just selfishly want to be pleasured. I mean maybe some of those are sometimes the case. But when you won't even communicate and compromise on a minor thing its like ???

    Different women have their reasons why they wont. Sometimes they are legit, sometimes its excuses. But I'd pay attention to ur relationship in general. How she makes u feel, the effects u have on her etc. Its not that no bj/anal is a deal breaker. The question is if the relationship is strong enough that u can ignore it. If it is then dw about it, hopefully u get enough normal sex and connect in other ways.
     
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  8. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    Ignoring what your partner is saying is unhealthy and borderline rapey. Focusing only on your own pleasure and not hers is very self-centered and doesn't bode well for long-term relationship success.
     
  9. mamusa123

    mamusa123 Fapstronaut

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    we are both busy people and don't really have much time or space to do anything - considering she's a consultant so she travels and i work into the early AMs in banking . so this just results in us being tired all the time and being away from each other.. OR maybe down the line - say a few years - she'll warm up to the idea and be like hey this is all that bad! ... a man can dream

    she's lazy but independent and works hard were need be. you nailed it perfectly - like no doubt we are madly in love, just wish she had the sense to compromise and sacrifice her own uncomfort, even just once, for my sake. maybe my thinking is a bit selfish but if theres anything she wants no matter how horrible or dirty ill be down to try it.

    but as i said maybe this desire where i think blowjobs are make or break has been nurtured from porn. so hope nofap will allow me to enjoy the more intimate parts of sex.
     
  10. MetaGame

    MetaGame Fapstronaut

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    I think it being a make or break is culture as well which is partially influenced by porn. If the worst part of ur relationship is no BJ's then just deal with it. Besides u dont know if she will be good at it. I remember this girl i was with, she finally did it and she bit my dick playfully but in her head it was playful. It was actually hard and ofc im sensitive down there. I almost pushed her or punched her off me. Like ofc i would never hurt a woman but it was like a reflex LIKE OMG MY DICK EVEN BIT OFF. I panicked lol.

    anyway its not worth the fuss for a few moments of pleasure.
     
  11. AssxxI

    AssxxI Fapstronaut

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    You are interpreting way to much in what I was saying. I also never said to be self-centered and focusing on the own pleasure. But if you are pleasured and free she will feel it and also enjoy it more. I believe that this is even a thing in Tantra, setting your sexuallity free. It's about taking away the inhibitions and teasing her. If she says confidendly "no" it's a "no", that simple. It's about brining her to the point where she doesn't think about it and her hornyness leads her into it. But discussing what to do during the act is a terrible idea anyways. Had great sucess with what I'm talking about. Made girls orgasm without having sex or taking their clothes of. But with mascular and independent women this might be a looong way until they drop their guard.
     
  12. Jen@8675309

    [email protected] Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Respect her boundaries. If she doesn't do something you want, that's just life. I don't think anyone is entitled to specific sex acts.
     
  13. Im not sure its a dealbreaker but it could mean resentment down the line if you cant get over it. I think sex is important and cant be glossed over or ignored. You are entitled to your desires, but so is she. If you have competing needs someone will end up compromising and the person who does is at high risk for resentment. Resentment becomes a dealbreaker at some point.
     
  14. ewq

    ewq Fapstronaut

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    Well. Do you go down on her? Do you work hard with your fingers and tongue to please her? If you really do, I see you are kind of entitled to a BJ. After all sex should be a form of cooperation to maximise each other's pleasure and it is rather selfish to let the other party do all the work. I'm not saying a partner should go along with every sick fantasy. It's only a BJ not some borderline illegal fetish. In my opinion experimenting is important so the sex life won't get boring. Even if she is bad at first, you can still help her to improve. You are both adults with functioning mouths so communicate (or use it on each other's genitalia)! For me, it is definitely a deal breaker.
     
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  15. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    If a man ignored my protests during sex, I would call the cops. What you're suggesting constitutes assault or rape, depending on the jurisdiction and whether there's penetration or not.

    You can't sugarcoat or change what you said. A "no" is a "no." There are people who giggle out of nervousness when they refuse, and there are people who might not even refuse verbally out of fear of being hurt if someone else is overpowering them.

    So, again, what you're advocating is assault and rape. I think porn has skewed your view of sex so much you think overpowering someone until they submit is perfectly healthy.

    This.

    Now, back to the original question. In a healthy relationship, boundaries are openly discussed and negotiated in a calm manner with very few exceptions. You mention that whenever you bring the subject up, it ends in a fight. Why? It is one thing for her not to want to give you blowjobs, but it is another one altogether for the discussion to turn into a fight. It just shouldn't.

    Start by evaluating yourself. Revisit old fights and look for patterns in your speech and your attitude that might have made her feel inadequate. Evaluate what you said, how you said it and when you said it (If you told her "Well, my ex gave me BJs all the time" as you're massaging her breasts, you almost deserve a frying pan to the face, just sayin'.)

    Then shift your focus to her. Pay attention to her words and attitude. Did she perhaps say that blowjobs were disgusting? If so, did she say anything that could imply that she personally finds them disgusting, or that only a whore would do such a thing? By extrapolation, the latter would imply that giving you a blowjob would lessen her value as a woman, so it might explain why she blew up.

    Once you've gathered as much information as possible from these previous fights, start planning a conversation with her. Select your words careful and pay attention to your attitude. Then, talk to her. Tell her that you know this is a sensitive topic for both of you, but you would like to discuss it calmly. Reassure her that you'll respect her thoughts, boundaries and feelings no matter what, and that you just want to understand her better. As you're discussing the matter, pay attention to what she says and try to make her comfortable.

    If, despite you wanting to discuss things calmly and respectfully, she blows up the minute you mention your wants, I would see this as a major red flag. This is not about the BJ per se, it's about an inability to communicate.
     
  16. AssxxI

    AssxxI Fapstronaut

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    Maybe my english is not good enough to explain you exactly what I mean. Anyways, I say what I say, if you don't like it, read something else and don't accuse someone of "sugarcoating" without proof of my intentions. There is a big difference between sugarcouting and clarifying. What you're answering has nothing to do with my intentions and looks more like being triggered. If a person has no feeling for the situation or how the other person truly feels about something it might end up bad and wrong, you're right. I could recommend you to read a few books on the topic so you might understand what I mean. Dominance is part of our nature and most women love it, that's all I want to say. It has nothing to do with porn, I never was into crazy stuff anyways. But if you're a looser in the bedroom, the women will not feel confident about her own actions - if she's a submissive person, what most women are by nature even if life forced her to be dominant.
    But to clarify, I'm not a friend of this whole oversensitive "equality" stuff going on in US colleges or in the USA itself. Men forgot to be men in a society in which they were raised by women.
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2018
  17. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    Dominance doesn't mean treating your girl like your prison bitch. There is a difference between confident and assertive, and simply aggressive. If a woman has told you repeatedly that she doesn't want to give oral, it's incredibly disrespectful and contemptuous of her to simply stick your dick in her mouth. Doing something like that, you deserve to have her bite down on it as hard as she can.

    We're not the ignorant ones that need to go read books. Dominance simply means you aren't passive and letting her make all the decisions. It doesn't mean refusing to let her make any decisions at all and insisting on making them all yourself.

    You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. If you keep treating women like this, someday an angry father, brother, or friend might beat the shit out of you or maybe even kill you in a fit of rage. If someone treated my sister like this, I would beat them to a bloody pulp.
     
  18. mamusa123

    mamusa123 Fapstronaut

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    interesting points. i really don't want to pressure her into anything but for me personally i think blowjob is one of the more intimate things a woman can do to make you feel loved. not about domination at all. its just that feeling that she accepts every part of you and is willing to do this for your satisfaction (its the only act where you can just sit back and enjoy) - it may be twisted but to me this is one of the facets of love. i loved it when previous partners would do it. Also i feel sex is made up of the basic essentials such as kissing, touching, teasing, penetrating and oral and each sexual encounter can be unique through mixing, matching and experimenting these elements. this makes me feel that our sex lives are greatly limited without one of the essentials (oral).

    Now here is the dilemma, a simple solution as some of you stated would be to break it off if it is that important to me. thats were it gets tricky, every other part of her is amazing - she's smart, funny and good looking - its just the sex which is lacking. breaking up with a girl just over sex seems deplorable and in the grand scheme sex may be inessential considering all the talk about the lack of sex after marriage - but MAN DO I WANT TO SPICE IT UP! Every time I've mentioned the possibility of it occurring she gives it a hard no... this usually spirals me back into PMO.

    it may seem petty but this does genuinely keep me up at night - especially after hearing stories of my mate's gf going down on them. what im trying to rationalise is am i hyping the concept of blowjobs a bit too much? and is it just because i cant get it the reason why it makes me so damn sad. maybe my obsession with blowjobs and kink is because of porn which has led to a reduction of intimacy in PIV sex.... But either way i hope one day down the line she warms up to it as i genuinely think it is the most intimate aspect of sex....
     
  19. AssxxI

    AssxxI Fapstronaut

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    Well, great that I do martial arts then. Who also understands that only dumb people would challange someone to a street fight no matter the circumstances.

    Anyways, nothing I said or mean is represented in your words. Better read that part again where I said to progress slowly by conditioning her. This includes to check her behaviours on every step you take and go backwards if she is not ready. Play with her butt, move on to the butthole after tome time eat her out life you want her to blow you... If you don't want to understand what I'm saying that's ok. I'm finished here anyway, way to much nonsense from triggered people.

    He wanted to know how to get oral and anal, I told him how. The point will come where you have great sex and whisper in her ear "I want to fuck you in the butt" no way you will get a no if she's ready. Every gf I ever had who completely refused it and some day tried it out. Some went crazy and told me that it was their best experience in their life and some didn't like it much. You simply have to open up her sexuallity by opening up yours. Other replies are pretty much useless and will lead to nothing and just a broken guy believeing that he can and should not do anything about it. It's like the one friend who doesn't want to drive this roller coaster. As a friend you sometimes need to kick his butt, sometimes let it go if he is scared to much. Using emotional and situational awareness common sense in anything you apply from reading.

    But if people want to have boring sex and behave like weak virgins being offended by every "harsch" statement, that's also fine. Out of context cherry pickers are just annoying.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2018
  20. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    I don't think you're shallow at all. You care for her and it shows. That said, the reality is that attraction and sex are important components in a relationship and the lack of variety is leaving you unsatisfied. Whether blowjobs or anal are that important to you is up to you.

    I was in a relationship with someone who didn't give me oral despite me giving head, but he looked for other ways to please me that we both enjoyed, so I didn't feel like he owed me anything. That I know, he still doesn't go down on a girl. Your girlfriend might very well be the same. You need to face the very real possibility of her never wanting to do that anal or oral.

    I would suggest talking, as awkward as it is. Even if she doesn't want to do anal or oral, she might have some fantasies that you both enjoy and spice things up.

    Yeah, by coercion and force. Again, here are your words, emphasis is mine:

    I'm not entirely sure why you brought up "equality" movement in colleges and the like in your previous comments. I'll agree that colleges and universities are full of marshmallows who need to be bubble-wrapped in their safe spaces, lest a micro-aggression triggers their oppression-induced PTSD. In my case, however, I'm not triggered, nor even offended by your comments. I simply stated a fact: What you're describing constitutes assault and rape in most jurisdictions in the US, depending on whether there was penetration and where was the woman penetrated. In fact, it would be considered assault in most developed Western countries.

    Last but not least, I highly doubt any sexologist, psychologist, marriage counselor or anyone doing couple's therapy would agree that what you propose is healthy for a long-term relationship, which is what OP has.

    Anyhow, I'm about done here as well. Have a good day.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2018

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