Hiding Porn from Wife

There are many reasons, almost every person's situation is different yet there are common reasons for many it seems.

I don't struggle with a physical attraction to my wife. I find her incredibly physically attractive. But we struggle with emotional connection and communication. P addiction has been a way for me to cope with that, as well as many other issues in life in general

I am not proud of that behavior, so naturally I hide it. This is called shame, which almost always is at the root of why someone hides their behaviors and feelings from others.

 

I actually have not used couples counseling, yet.. still in the process of working on myself. My wife has agreed that we need to go in the near future though.

So far my experience is positive. Had I tried to force my wife to go to couples counseling a year ago when I first came here, there would have been many things I wouldn't have been prepared to deal with. As well as things that I wouldn't have even known about myself.

I think it's important that the addict take a lot of time just to work on themselves. Before dragging a loved one into the messy process that the recovery process is.

 

There is a difference between watching a little porn and being addicted to it. Much like the smoker, or alcoholic that hides their drinking. Most people do not marry someone they are not attracted to. With porn/sex addicts, the addiction generally predates the relationship. Many people believe that once they get married they won’t use porn again. Then they find out they simply cannot stop using. They are ashamed and hide it. Add to that, real life, real bodies, have imperfections that porn does not have. Many find they have a stronger urge to look at porn right after sex with their partner. It’s more complicated than just what you’re attracted to.

 

I'm not married but as an addict, I'm 100% sure that if I was, in my current state I would still watch porn. It won't magically go away and why would it be? As exciting as your wife can be, she can't compete against thousands of always available models.

 

In today’s world watching porn is not a big deal. They’ve made it so common that you sound weird if you say you don’t watch porn. As a married addict I could say this is the worst kind of addiction anyone could have. It’s insidious. I have had a crush on my wife since I can remember. I truly love her and she’s beautiful, but I was addicted to porn and this addiction made me a womanizer. I never cheated on my wife but my sexual life was never satisfactory as I was involved in porn. I truly started enjoying sex since I started NoFap. Porn ruins everything. Your motivation, you desire to succeed in life.i am glad and proud of myself thet I am clean since a year. I have had a few hiccups in my journey. But mostly. I am clean for over a year now.

 

First, I'm not refuting anything you are saying. However for me, the real bodies/imperfections vs porn/perfect bodies thing, I don't resonate at all with. I know some men do, I just don't relate. I don't see my wife's physical imperfections in a comparative way, (even though she does have them) and I just don't struggle with this comparison of my wife's body to the bodies on screen.

Not sure why, maybe because I was smitten by her as a teen. I dated women who I did struggle with this, I just don't with my wife.

Thought I'd just share that, because often I think the topic of P addiction becomes very superficial and all about "looks". This is so far from true in my experience. It's all about the escape for me, dull the pain, whatever the thing at the moment is. The hardest struggle, and unreal aspect of p addiction for me, is the on demand nature it has become in modern times. And how that makes it such an easy way to cope with tough things.

 

Everyone is different. But I think the reason why a spouse/partner coming into the lives of an addict doesn't work is.. Sex, isn't the only reason for going to P in the first place.

It's a coping mechanism for all sorts of things. Anxiety, loneliness, boredom, stress, abuse, childhood trauma/abandonment, or traumatic life events. None of these are "fixed" by adding a partner that will have sex. Because sex isn't the issue, it's the escape from things that develop over time that are hard to deal with, and are often never noticed until things get pretty bad.

For instance I struggle with anxiety, I'm a lot better off than I was a year ago. But I would use PMO to cope with it. I used it as a way to calm my nerves. I didn't realize how much I struggled with it until I tried removing the P behavior and all of a sudden I was amazed how many times i would feel anxious and get an urge to PMO. In this way, there isn't enough sex i could have with my wife to fix my anxiety. And actually... there isn't enough P in the world to fix my anxiety. I had to work on that on its own, if that makes sense.

Since I didn't even realize that I struggled with anxiety so much, I thought for a long time it was just that I needed more sex, and that once I was married that would be fulfilled. But that isn't the case unfortunately, because the p addiction was about feeling better, from the issue (anxiety).

I remember thinking during some serious relationships in my past that p wasn't an addiction for me because my p use went to zero during the honeymoon phase. But the addiction always came back. Marriage is not all sunshine and roses, even in a very healthy one, you have to learn to coexist with another human being, compromise, put anothers needs ahead of your own, raise children with, share time with, etc. Those can be some tough times, and for someone who conditioned their brains up cope with stress by using PMO. It can be a big challenge in a marriage.

 

My husband says this exact thing, and I know I was his “ perfect” body type. That’s why I included real life, the imperfection of life with someone who isn’t going to always adore you, isnt going to always agree, isn’t always in the mood, may not respond in the way you fantasize…. Not just the imperfection of the body which is what some focus on.

 

My intent is to point out the reasons for the addiction often have nothing at all to do with, looks, or about the addicts partners in any way. (Even though it does extremely hurt their partner). I think too often this addiction and people not in a relationship focus so much on just the sex, that the actual addiction cycles are fully ignored. And so many don't realize that there's much more to it for many suffering from it. I'm trying to point that out and add to what you said. No need to feel like I'm critical of what you said.

 

Oh I didn’t think you were critical. Lol. I was just trying to clarify that it isn’t always about looks but can be tied to the fantasy. I think you and I agree just explaining differently. For my husband he uses because of stress, anxiety, depression, really any big feelings ( even good happy feelings) It rarely has to do with me. It was a big revelation to him when he realized he wasn’t “ horny” so much as anxious or stressed when he felt an urge. He was about a year clean before he started to recognize the difference. He had been using pmo for so long that he had no idea.

 

I've never hidden from a partner that I watch porn but I certainly don't announce every time I've just had a wank. Would be a tad awkward I think.

Interestingly, I've only had one partner that had a problem with it. Other serious girlfriends I've had either didn't care or occasionally watched porn themselves. It is so ubiquitous now that I think there's an expectation that men watch porn. My current partner is pretty indifferent to the matter, it would only be a problem for her if I had 'death grip' (PIED). I've tried to avoid PM since before we met (8+ years ago) so my occasional PM use has never proved an issue in our relationship.

 

This is so well put. Thank You

 

I agree with this. I don't struggle with turning to porn because my wife is imperfect. I struggle because often she makes me feel rejected. And porn, the fantasy woman, never rejects me. And always "cares" about me.
It is lie, but an insidious one. Truly the porn woman hates me.

 

A big part of that i think comes from a point in time where we believed the lie that we aren't worth accepting. It seems working through that is something that must be done.

Often I think we can be hyper sensitive to rejection for whatever reason, and blame it on others. The truth is we don't even accept ourselves and that is where I think someone struggling with rejection must start. Work to be happy and content with oneself.

 

My husband is so hyper sensitive to rejection. It’s been linked to adhd. For the record , not once have I ever told him no to sex. So I could not understand his fears at all. Until I really grasped that it had nothing to do with me. Knowing and believing are two different things.