I can do this?

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Defeatedgirlfriend, May 7, 2018.

  1. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    hi guys,

    I’ve been thinking of breaking up with my PA partner. It just doesn’t feel like he loves me anymore since he’s so deep in this hole.

    He’s been clean for about 2 weeks, and he tries everyday, but I just don’t feel loved anymore. I know he does underneath all this, but I’m so sad all the time.

    I find a huge thing that scares me though, is finding someone else, and they are a PA too. That terrifies me. At least my partner I’m with right now is working on this and wants to get over P.

    It seems like every guy is a PA. :( so lost..
     
  2. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    many, many guys are PAs. I'm pretty sure most are (as in >50%). I feel badly for you, at your age, it must seem impossible.

    It is how it is though. I think until something happens to change all this, that the majority of guys will be active PAs or at best have PA baggage. IMO the only near-term solution is for women that want a good man to adapt their mate-seeking paradigms. I don't know what this looks like - do women demand a polygraph? or surprise inspect the phone prior to 1st date? or??? or maybe women bail - just completely bail - at the first intrusion of porn, or ED. maybe if the addicted guys realize they are truly choosing between their freakin' hand or a real woman FOREVER they will have reason to quit.

    I'm not trying to make women responsible to fix men. I'm just saying that until men fix themselves, it will be up to the women to find the unaddicted guys themselves. what a shitfest.
     
  3. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    If women were to do even a fraction of that we'd be called crazy, insecure, jealous, controlling, etc.
     
  4. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry, I know how you feel. :(
     
    Defeatedgirlfriend likes this.
  5. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    you're totally right TTH. 100%

    I didn't mean to imply otherwise. and those were only half-baked ideas. my general point is that things are going to have to change in some dramatic ways because men are largely being laid waste by this problem.

    and my heart breaks for young women trying to so this out and chose a good mate. I can't imagine ho hard that must be.

    didn't mean to offend...
     
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  6. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Oh you didn't offend. I agree with you. Just saying that... it is sad that is how it works but it is. :(
     
  7. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    I’m so terrified of leaving my partner because for 1. I love him dearly, and 2. I’m terrified to even attempt dating anyone else because just listening to how some of my guy friends talk, they are highly addicted to P.

    My partner is at least trying to give this up. I almost feel stuck, because I know my partner loves me, and he knows he has an addiction and is working on it, I just am getting the shitty end of the stick here, because he has his P glasses on, they’re slowly coming off, but not fast enough. I know my partner will get over this eventually, but like, right now it’s so hard on me.

    I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, it’s a lot to throw away. And dating scares the hell out of me, every guy is addicted. Can’t go through all this again. :(
     
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  8. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    Thank you :( I’m so depressed and I feel like a shell of myself. It’s so hard letting someone you love go... and it’s even harder to think about dating another P addict :(
     
  9. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    Update:

    He looked at P today... while I was downstairs crying from us fighting. Two week streak is over and I don’t know if I can do this anymore...
     
  10. Is he on NoFap?
     
  11. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    He’s not on this site, but he has the app brainbuddy which is a nofap app. He uses it everyday.
     
  12. Sorry to hear what you're going through. Are there other issues in your relationship or is it mostly his P addiction?

    I know how you feel about dating and finding someone committed to only you. I have the same fear. My last partner cheated on me with multiple people, it left me feeling so unloved and worthless. I hate how society is now full of porn, how celebrities are basically glorified sex workers and how dating has just become about hookups. Even if men did want monogamy it's like everything about society these days tries to get them to cheat. I am single yet again and in my 30s and also wonder if I'll ever meet a man now who wants a committed monogamous relationship or if they all just want multiple sex partners and porn these days.

    If it's p addiction and no other issues and you both still love eachother you could try for a set time but obviously only you can decide how you feel in your heart. To give you some hope I did once date a lovely man who did watch some p but wasn't addicted (ie it wasnt an issue for us) and he was v loving and stable, so they do exist.
     
    Bogo Biggins likes this.
  13. This is a long list of questions...but I think you should consider these:
    * does he really want to quit porn?

    * has he read any books or articles or watched any videos about porn and recovery from porn?

    * does he consider himself to be a porn addict? Or is porn just a bad habit to him?

    * has he told anyone else in his life about his porn problem? A friend, a counselor, a pastor?

    You have to figure out if he is taking this problem seriously or not. Then and only then, can you decide what is best for you.
     
  14. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    honestly guys, I don’t know if I can call what he has an addiction. He only watches P when he’s really stressed out. But the thing is, when he does look at it, he hinges on it, like 2 or 3 times. He has looked up lots of YouTube videos about it, he’s gone on this site, Reddit, he has the app.

    He only ever looks at P when he’s stressed though. So I’d say once a week. Longer when he is doing nofap.

    But the problem is, when he looks at it, he’s a whole different person. He’s not my guy anymore. He doesn’t find me as attractive, doesn’t know if he loves me anymore, he says he feels out of it, “brain fog”, his adrenal glands pump like crazy, he can’t digest food properly, just a bunch of symptoms.

    We went a whole month before without P or M or sex, and he started to get better. All these symptoms were going away. And ever since he relapsed after the month, he’s been more stressed out, so relapsing more and it’s like a cycle we can’t break. I don’t know how to help him anymore, and I think he feels trapped in this cycle.
     
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  15. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    He really needs to become an expert on managing his stress. I used to use M in the same way. The problem is it is like a short term fix but it dosnt solve the real problems.
     
  16. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    I think this is a fair analysis. Society is oversexed, our values all come back to sex. When the Internet became available, suddenly all us undersexed but still sex- obsessed men suddenly had access to an unlimited supply of free sexual stimulation. Most men's brains (and some women's) are wired to seek multiple sex partners under certain conditions. However this isn't good for the stable family unit our society is based around. The result is a lot of confused men and chaos for a lot of people.

    Society isn't facing up to the reality at all. This site in many ways is leading the way. Masterbation (and porn) are just mechanisms for dealing with the deeply wired biological 'need' for polygamy.

    My solution is to show sex the finger, and become celibate.
     
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  17. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    Well yesterday was awful...

    I’m pretty sure I miscarried yesterday. Was having pregnancy symptoms like crazy and was over a week late. Then all of a sudden, they stop and I start bleeding. Exactly like my miscarriage a year ago. Wasn’t planned, but I wanted it.

    He didn’t. He says he’s not ready to be a dad. I understand that. He can’t focus on anything else then getting over this right now. It consumes his whole life. He says he doesn’t feel good, he can’t think properly, his body is always stressed out, can’t digest food, has brain fog.

    He has all these horrible symptoms, yet, when things get hard, he looks at P, adding to these symptoms.

    After he looked at P, he was acting like a child. Words couldn’t come out of his mouth. He couldn’t talk to me properly. It only made me more upset because I wanted to figure out why he looked at P while I was downstairs when he could have had S with me.

    He could have talked to me about his urges. He could have done all the things we talked about, but for some reason he didn’t. And I want to know why. I want to know if I’m wasting my time.

    My sister texted me during the fighting, and insisted she needed me to go with her somewhere for an hour. Leaving in the middle of a fight is so difficult, it’s so hard to act okay when you aren’t.

    But leaving helped him. He calmed down, went out and relaxed. I was worried if I leave he would look at P again since he was stressed out. He claims he didn’t, says he wants to get past this, he doesn’t want to look at that. It’s hard to believe him. He lied to me only two weeks ago, claiming he only looked at it once, but looked at it 3 times.

    I came back and we didn’t talk the rest of the night though. He obviously didn’t care how I was feeling. Didn’t want to talk about it. It’s so difficult because I know he didn’t want to stress himself out again. I feel like we’re stuck in this never ending cycle.

    He doesn’t feel good - gets stressed out - looks at p - gets more stressed when I become upset that he looked - we fight - after a few days we become good again - he still feels like shit though so he - gets stressed out - looks at p ....
     
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  18. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    He is addicted. Following with that @TryingHard2Change said, he needs to accept this is his problem and he needs to get help for it (individual therapy, ideally).
     
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  19. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like he is completely obsessed with the P and values it more than normal sex with you. This may seem psychologically hurtful for you, but P tends to not only make you want more P, it also sucks you into wanting bizarre P that 'in real life' you would never go near. There is one guy on here who trawls gay male P even though he is straight. I used to like ultra submissive stuff that now makes me wretch thinking about it. It really is a sickness.

    So you shouldn't necessarily think he prefers the p to you, the problem is he has a sick addiction. It is every bit as bad as crack cocaine in terms of the effect on the brain.

    Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Maybe you need medical attention?

    Regarding stress: he needs to both quit p and find ways to beat the stress. If his job is too much for him he should just change it. Health is more important than wealth.
     
  20. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    I think we need to really have a sit down conversation, and I think he needs to be completely 100% honest with not only me, but himself. I think he thinks he’s “better” than this, he isn’t addicted and this isn’t his problem, even though he says it, I don’t think he believes it.

    TRIGGER WARNING****

    He isn’t looking at weird or crazy porn though, he’s obsessed with blowjob’s. That’s literally the p he looks at 99% of the time. He asks me for one once in awhile, but doesn’t prefer it to getting a wet hand job. He’s obsessed with that. Also, everytime after he looks at p, and we’re fighting, all he wants to do is get a wet hand job or whatever. He always says “I don’t want other girls, I want you” or “I missed out with you, so now I want to do it with you”

    I just don’t get it, it’s like I’m not good enough and the p isn’t either!!!
     

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