I Feel I've Lost All Control Over Myself

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Avaloview, Oct 29, 2019.

  1. Avaloview

    Avaloview Fapstronaut

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    I'm in such a deep hole right now I've no clue where to turn.

    I've recognized that I have a problem. I am addicted to porn and masturbation, but previous solo attempts at nofap have not yielded success. Just recently, after some bad experiences trying to get into the dating game, I've fallen back into my old masturbation and porn habits, which disgust me completely, especially fetishes, and cause me endless anxiety over PIED. I don't know if it has caused mental health problems (mainly depression) or if these came first and led to my reliance on this comfort device so that I could feel something other than numb.

    I'm 25 years old, and I no longer feel my life is at all worth living. Today, I jerked off for 4 hours until it physically hurt, and I just lost all control. I feel like I become an animal, like I have no willpower. I used to wonder why smokers and alcoholics never just 'quit' but I was a fool. Addictions strangle you. It's like I'm physically attacked every single time I do it (and at this point, its once every day or so). Has anyone else felt they belong in a locked ward because of this stuff, so they have accountability? Maybe that's why I've finally signed up, but it's not just about porn addiction. It's depression and isolation, hopelessness, lack of humanity really. Even as I type this my head is pounding and I can't think it's unrelated. It's been 1 hour, 50 minutes since I last masturbated. Whatever you can say to me, it's appreciated at this point. I haven't felt this low in over a year.
     
  2. Theseeker19

    Theseeker19 Fapstronaut

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    so you just “relapsed”. Calm down. Breathe. Stop the drama. Stop the “I’m so sick of this” comments. Don’t get angry. Don’t feel guilty. It won’t do you any good. I made this mistake so many times in the past.

    calmly get back on track as soon as possible. Minimize your binge as much as you can. You’re not back to zero every time you watch porn. There is this damaging belief in the forum that success is measured by how many straight days you go without porn. There’s a Hall of Fame, yes, but this is just a way to encourage people. It’s not an indication of whether you’re successful or not.

    and above all, you have to ask yourself am I really serious about getting out of this hell? porn has strengthened the neuronal connections that link your distress with the short-term relief of internet porn—and with any other cue, it associates with porn, such as being home alone, seeing a sexy image, anxiety, arousal and so forth. The only way to weaken this subconscious link is to stop using (reinforcing) that brain pathway and seek your mood medicine elsewhere. Gradually, the neuronal connections to porn and porn fantasy weaken. We call this “unwiring & rewiring,” and you will find that many of the tools here can help with that.

    so you gotta know that in order to succeed you have to change the way you respond to urges otherwise you'll keep relapsing.

    Good Luck.
     
  3. Avaloview

    Avaloview Fapstronaut

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    I want to be serious about it this time. I can't lose any more years to this. It has been YEARS. I had intended to go on anti-depressants to make things more manageable, but the side effects scared me off. Every one seems to carry an ED risk. I definitely think this addiction is depression-related
     
  4. Post-fap guilt gets us all. That's why we NoFap. So we have less reasons to hate ourselves. And let's be real: self-hate is never productive. Discipline, however, is productive. I suggest you replace all this shame and guilt and self-loathing with discipline.

    These low points are great because they wake you up and tell you that you need to change. I'm glad that you want this change - and here's the good thing - you are capable of the change that you need. So make some plans and change your routine.

    BREAK THE CYCLE TODAY! GET ANIMATED! THIS IS NO CAKEWALK, THEY CALL IT HARDMODE FOR A REASON, SO LET'S GO! JOIN ME!
     
  5. Avaloview

    Avaloview Fapstronaut

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    I've had these moments before, maybe three times since I realized I had a problem (which was about 23. before that I was in denial). Today though, it really felt like a watershed. I need to stop going to these websites and I need to stop using porn as a comfort blanket when things don't go my way.
     
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    You won’t take antidepressants because they “might” cause Ed but you can’t stop porn which most definitely causes Ed.
    If you need antidepressants go get them! My husband had Ed for years! He’s been clean from porn and his Ed is gone. Still takes his antidepressants though.
     
  7. It's great that you realize this. Now act on it. Don't feel bad for yourself, just simply do what is right. I want you to go one day without porn. I'm on this site every day, I can be your AP if you want one.
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2019
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  8. Avaloview

    Avaloview Fapstronaut

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    I'd really appreciate that! My intention this week is to try and come here every single day and check in. On Friday, I'm actually visiting relatives and not returning till Saturday so there won't even be an opportunity to fap which is a bonus. This shouldn't be hard!
     
    FellatiousD likes this.
  9. Avaloview

    Avaloview Fapstronaut

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    I made 24 hours. Some urge this morning, but nothing overwhelming. Feel ready to take on the next 24
     
    frosty1980 likes this.
  10. DerSchütze

    DerSchütze Fapstronaut

    Think back to all your relapses, what triggered them? What is your system? Do you have porn blockers in place? Do you take action after every relapse?
     
  11. Avaloview

    Avaloview Fapstronaut

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    My previous 'relapses' were just the habit of masturbating. I hadn't sincerely tried since around May. My weak points are the same:
    Weekend mornings
    Most ever night
    Weekend days when Im alone
     
  12. BigOne79

    BigOne79 Fapstronaut

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    Weekend days alone can be avoided. Get another job and one where you can be social with a lot of people. Be a bar back at a bar near your place or where you work. Work there on weeknights too. The point is not just money but you get away from your isolated place and talk to people. The more you talk to people you forget the internet and porn. Your very young at 25 and people are out there going out and working jobs in restaurants, bars, nightclubs and meeting new people and friends. Your connections grow and you got more things to do. I’m not sure how motivated you are to do that and out yourself out there either. Get up and go for a walk, bike ride, gym. Stay in shape and that will help with your feelings while on nofap as well. I’m not gonna lie, it’s hard but removing yourself from your home in the beginning to avoid urges would be best.
     
  13. Avaloview

    Avaloview Fapstronaut

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    I've been debating the gym for a while. I think that is definitely something I could start with.
     
  14. frosty1980

    frosty1980 Fapstronaut

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    It’s possible. I’ve been 17 days pmo free. I know it’s difficult. Allow for it to be difficult for a while. The discomfort is the way through and the only way out is through.
     
    ReachForTheSkies likes this.
  15. I second everything TheSeeker19 said.

    When you quit an addiction you are creating a void, one that must be filled. If you dont fill it you will quickly fall right back into that addiction. Some people also simply fill that void with a different addiction and end up getting nowhere.

    To be successful at quitting PMO you must be successful at life. Shift your mentality away from quitting and instead direct your focus on building yourself. I first realized I had a PMO addiction about 5 years ago and while I haven't completely eliminated it from my life, I have built myself up to the point where it has lost much of its significance. I have bettered myself as a man in all aspects of my life. And right now I'm feeling the strongest I've ever felt in ending this addiction once and for all.

    Focusing on the addiction gives it strength so if you want to weaken its grasp you need to find something worthwhile to focus your energy and attention on. Get out of your comfort zone and try things. Find a hobby, a sport, or an art. Go to the gym. Learn how to cook healthy meals. Meditate. And, for me at least, one of the most helpful things was actually finding a social group to be a part of. Keep busy and find people you enjoy interacting with and eventually there will be no room left for your addiction.
     
    ReachForTheSkies and frosty1980 like this.
  16. Avaloview

    Avaloview Fapstronaut

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    2 days down. A heavy assault by temptation this morning but I persevered. You are right I think that in order to have a fighting chance here I need to actually improve my life and my mindset. It’s hard to explain it fully but these moods of despair one minute and then feeling ok about myself the next are sequential and come in waves. The irony is it’s the crippling lows which wake me up to how much I’m damaging myself
     
    tyrell123 likes this.
  17. tyrell123

    tyrell123 New Fapstronaut

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    Keep it up man. By the way, exercise does wonders for changing your life around! Try and do it with other people, i.e. a gym to keep it up
     
  18. Avaloview

    Avaloview Fapstronaut

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    I’m definitely in the familiar phase of early temptation (first 5 days being murder, then respite until about day 13, then another respite and then the horror of day 27). I’ve got to a month once before.

    Well another day. I made it to a busy weekend so I should get 2 more days entirely free now
     
  19. matrixZhang

    matrixZhang Fapstronaut

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    Hey I feel the same with you. I think my life is out of control, with so frequent relapses this year. I think we must calm down and try our best to overcome it. WE CAN !!!
     
  20. bigboibez

    bigboibez Fapstronaut

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    What I've noticed is that its much easier to make yourself do something than stopping yourself from doing something.

    Thats why replacement is key. I used to fap daily and now ive got it down to once or twice a week (which only ever happen at the weekend). The week is easy. I dont even get urges, so i just need to focus on the weekend where i have loads more free time. You gotta get busy bro.
     
    Go All The Way likes this.

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