I really need to get this off my mind

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Mushybrain98, Nov 18, 2018.

  1. Mushybrain98

    Mushybrain98 Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, this is the only place where I can feel I can vent so here goes...
    I'm a 20 year old male that has started dating a girl last week that is 17. We met at bowling coaching so we've known eachother for about a year since I'm still quite new to the sport. I don't get to see her very often though now that coaching has finished. But we still catch up occasionally even though she is quite busy with school and other things. For some reason the last few times we've met up at events, things have sparked and we started talking and messaging heaps and even playing online games together. Then we finally started dating. Everything about her is so real and she is down to earth. And even though to beauty standards, she isn't the 'ideal body type' I just see her even more beautiful inside and out.
    Problem is since we've been dating, my feelings for her went from being just a little interested to real very quickly but I'm not feeling much back. She's become very short with her replies and it feels like I'm putting more effort into getting convos going or to keep them continuing. For some reason for the last 2 days it's been making me very emotional and I hate the feeling. I can't get her out of my mind and I shouldn't have to as she's my GIRLFRIEND. But it doesn't actually feel like she is. It really doesn't seem like we're talking enough at the moment. I really want to get to know her and be apart of her life and it really doesn't feel that way at the moment :(
    Another thing to add is that both of us haven't had much experience in the dating game. As she's only experienced a long distance relationship and I've only had 3 girlfriends. She did mention to me that it would be awhile for her to be ready to have 'sexy time' which I'm completely fine about and it's also convenient for me on as I'm on NoFap. But ahh man I don't know if it's the NoFap talking or not but I just really want to get to know her but I feel like there is some wall in between us at the moment. I'm really missing her and even when I'm trying to stay busy, it's not taking the sadness away. I can't even look at any other girls without it feeling wrong. I'm just devoted to her and that's it. And I've been teary about it too which is also weird for me as it takes a lot for me to get sad. It's very unusual for me to have these intense feelings. Please help guys :( I'm not usually this emotional. Is this a NoFap thing?
     
  2. Mushybrain98

    Mushybrain98 Fapstronaut

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    Fuck wtf do I do guys? I feel like I being mind fucked. Why has this hit me so hard? Fapping would probably make this go away for awhile but this is the main hurdle that I need to get through right? This will make or break me
     
  3. TheBigBadWolf

    TheBigBadWolf Fapstronaut

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    Hey there Mushy,
    Sounds like you really like this girl a lot friend. Don't let whats going on right now get you down. Like you mentioned you both don't have a lot of experience with dating in general. Maybe she is just going through some stuff rn that she needs to work out. The best thing to do is not freak out and get to needy. Just be honest and communicate to her that you want to see her whenever she is free and then just let things progress slowly. I recommend asking her this and then let her decide and figure out when she wants to see you next. If she seems kind of hesitant or very cold after you give her some space for a while, then it's time to be direct and ask her whats going on. Sometimes girls just need space, sometimes they are all over you! I get it man it's happened to me too. Don't worry and take things slow!
     
    Jon Bridges and ForABetterLife20 like this.
  4. MetaGame

    MetaGame Fapstronaut

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    Nofap sorta intensifies the need to actually be with ur gf. This is powerful at first and brings good things but later on its not great. Its an increased need for intimacy since ur not getting fake crap from the internet anymore. That part is normal. The way u deal with it is by using ur brain and just remembering when u feel this way that ur human but also ur craving intimacy and if u dont get it u will be fine so dont send urself or the girl over the edge.

    In regards to her being short or a little cold etc. Well she is young and it sounds like the bonding nature of sex hasnt occured yet. Since this is the case and u have prob been talking and hanging out a lot ... that plateuas quickly after that short honeymoon phase. She could be busy and she could also just be saying meh.

    In both cases the answer is actually to give more space not try to force her to talk more or try tactics. Distance and Missing makes the heart grow fonder. And when it doesnt then wrong chick. So give her some space and if she begins showing interest again then ease back into it and if not start considering a break or at least changing something about ur relationship.

    I give u a personal example. I havent seen my gf in about a lil over a month. She lives like an hour and a half away and ive passed by her turn off a handful of times but had work in the last month. At any rate I warned her i would be really busy this month so not to take my lack of communication as me being upset or bored of her or something. (Even tho in truth I needed a break to work on myself and work but overall it was the truth mostly)

    Anyway first week it was like its fine. 2nd week is im a little mad u didnt call me but its okay. 3rd week was like omg call me more. 4th week its omg I love you never leave me. lol

    This is from my gf who is sweet, hot and nice but is pretty conservative with I love you.

    If u give ur gf space and she doesnt have a somewhat similar effect then u should prepare for something or like i said before change something major about urself/relationship.
    Some women are strong and can just be honest and be like i didnt miss u much i was busy. But most women have what ur feeling built into them by default. So if after two weeks they dont show signs of it then its likely they are just using u or thoguth u were cute but got bored or busy or whatever it is ... prob not best time to force it.
     
    ForABetterLife20 and Romans 6 23 like this.
  5. MetaGame

    MetaGame Fapstronaut

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    Oh one more thing. MAN DA FCK UP. And by that I dont mean pretend to be a strong man. Im saying actually be strong and assess ur situation. Deal with ur feelings and if ur too soft to do that then be a man and be honest with her about it. Say hey I know u might be busy or tired but Im really tryin to get to know u more and lately u have been acting a differently or something like that.

    She might respond badly. She might say school is a lot. She might say she is losing interest. She might even say a guy her age is interested in her. Whatever it is deal with it upfront and try to be calm and rational. Go work out as well @ dealing with intense emotions. Man up , u got this, u have nofap on ur side even if shit goes wrong.
     
    ForABetterLife20 likes this.
  6. Romans 6 23

    Romans 6 23 Fapstronaut

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    What shinsoo said^
    Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Give her a chance to miss you. if she is writing short replies and you're asking all the questions and getting short answers then put the phone down and go read a book, take a walk, go for a drive go do something. If everytime she texts you you immediately reply in 2 seconds it comes off as needy and that you have no life.

    Hang in there and also remember there's plenty of fish in the sea if this doesn't work. Trust me on this I used to be just like you!
     
  7. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    I wonder what it would be like if you told her you were feeling this way.:emoji_thinking:

    No, it's a life thing. Odds are, your girlfriend has no idea you're feeling like there's a wall between you, unless you've told her that explicitly.

    Here's my advice: tell her how you're feeling about your relationship. It sounds like she's really important to you. It sounds like you like her a lot and you want to be devoted to her and you want to get to know her better and be even closer to her. That's probably a good place to start. You can tell her all of those things. Then, you can tell her that you feel like you want more communication, to spend more time together, whatever it is. Just be honest with her about it, and don't be afraid to tell her some of the things you posted here in this thread.

    If you open yourself up to her, there are really only two situations:
    1. She rejects you. You tell her you want more communication and she turns away from you, ignores your request, or tells you she can't handle this relationship. This might sound like the "bad" ending, but it's really not. There is no bad ending if you're honest with yourself and with her. If you open up to her and she turns you down, she's giving you an opportunity to get what you really want. It sounds like you want a relationship with someone who communicates regularly with you, who opens up to you and shows you who they really are. If she can't offer that to you, then I'd say you're both better off without this relationship. Rejection hurts, and it never feels good, but it always opens the door for other possibilities. These are all possibilities you would be missing out on if you hang on to this relationship. You might get rejected if you tell her how you really feel, but being rejected is better than being complacent with less than what you want out of the relationship.
    2. She hears you out, listens to what you have to say, and you guys start communicating more. I think this is the scenario you're hoping for. You can hope all you want, but it might not ever happen if you don't tell her how you're really feeling.
    Remember: communication is key.

    Remember (even more): relationships are complicated life experiences that teach you lessons about yourself and what you want out of life. The moments in which you are rejected, heartbroken, and miserable are just as valuable as the moments in which you are accepted, loved, and connected.

    Hope that helps!
     
  8. ForABetterLife20

    ForABetterLife20 Fapstronaut

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    Couldn't have said it better myself. Personally, I'm in my 4th month dating an absolutely amazing woman. She's a year ahead of me in school and we're doing really well together. However, we're at a brutally hard college, and with our schedules, we only have an hour a day to be with each other at the most, which sucks. But we knew that going in. We knew we were going to be going through some of the toughest times of our lives this semester school-wise, but we started dating anyways.
    So along this line,
    GotDAMN that hurts like a muddafukkin BIOTCH. Because the beautiful times we've had together just sitting on a couch talking late into the night and listening to music make my heart ache when I'm not with her. She doesn't know about NoFap specifically, but she knows I've been struggling with porn; I told her about 2 months ago. I've been selfish and conceited and turned back to porn when I got desperate. Don't do that. lol it's a bad thing to do, because it does affect her. Now, you're a month and more into a reboot, congrats, that's probably not as much on your plate as it is on mine.
    BUT, as people have said, you need to talk to her in some way shape or form, because you guys have decided to be in a relationship. HOWEVER, you guys are different people! You need to learn how to grow with each other, and grow without each other, and one of the best ways to grow is to get good at talking. There was a time when my gf also seemed distant. She seemed out of check with me and forgoing time with me to be with her girlfriends. Often it was just sitting with them over me on a given night. I knew she was on antibiotics for something for a while, but never really knew what. She seemed physically distant as well as emotionally distant. I stewed in that for a while, and tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Turns out she was (and is) on a super strong birth control that's trying to help her body avoid a disease that could prevent her from having kids 5-10 years down the road. When she told me that, I completely dissipated and felt awful for feeling so resentful. In my case, it was just something completely out of her control, but I would have stewed in that resentfulness for a much longer time.

    Sorry for the word vomit
    tl;dr
    Be honest, be kind, be caring. Be thoughtful, respectful, and peaceful when talking to her or thinking of her. What happens happens. A relationship has struggles. But humility and honesty are the best ways to overcome them.
     
  9. Mushybrain98

    Mushybrain98 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks guys for your honest opinions. Day 41 NoFap today, didn't give in! And it's our 1 month today and things have been going a lot better. We've caught up a lot since then and today I'm meeting her dad then going to see a movie
    Perhaps it was just part of a flatline as I was very depressed over the period of time. Think it was more of a mood thing. It doesn't seem to phase me as much if she's being short or not replying.
     

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