I'm ruining my life...

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Arisa, Jan 30, 2022.

  1. Arisa

    Arisa Fapstronaut

    I'm a 29 y.o. female and I'm scared out of my mind because my porn addiction got totally out of hand.

    I'm currently doing a pretty good job ruining both my relationship and my career.
    Just yesterday I missed the deadline for an important assignment at university because I was too busy watching porn for 3 hours straight. Now I failed the entire course. It wasn't even graded...I just had to turn it in on time.

    That's how it's been for quite some time now. I can't concentrate and have no interest in anything besides porn. I also find that "ordinary porn" doesn't cut it anymore and have begun watching more extreme content. Afterwards I feel so incredibly disgusted with myself.

    My boyfriend doesn't know about my addiction but he is suffering the consequences. We only have sex once a month, sometimes once every two months, because I suffer from sexual dysfunction. Penetration and intercourse hurt because I can't get aroused and sex has more than once ended in tears.
    I love him and want to give him so much more but porn has destroyed every healthy bit of sexuality I possessed.

    As a female I feel like an anomaly. Sure, there are women trying to quit porn but it seems like most of them haven't escalated to the point that the addiction has taken over their lives. I have tried quitting so many times and I'm so exhausted.

    That being said I want to quit porn for good. 15 years are a long time to be addicted to porn and I need to do this. l'm almost done with Day 1!

    I'm glad I found this forum and I'm grateful for any advice. To any women struggling with the same issues, feel free to shoot me a message.
     
  2. Andrei216

    Andrei216 New Fapstronaut

    1
    3
    3
    Hey. Congrats for your 1st day. Just to know, 1% per day is really a progress to better. A day is 1%. Try to resist for 90 days. Make this and don't let porn control you. I let it control me, and now I have HOCD and suicidal thoughts. I know you can!
     
    Arisa, regular_man and you_can_UK like this.
  3. you_can_UK

    you_can_UK Fapstronaut

    Not a girl,but I understand you till an extent.see even I am on verge of ruining....BUT ALL YOU HAVE IS NOW! Will help you if you may need.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2022
    Arisa likes this.
  4. Backtareality90

    Backtareality90 Fapstronaut

    9
    2
    3
    I feel ya. It caused me loads of issues through uni and i still cant concentrate. Im so hidden from the world because im too closed off to express myself sexually with anyone while im having these issues.

    You can get back in control of your life. You know what you need to do to help. We all think we can do this on our own but we do need support, and you have a partner whom im sure will understand.
     
    Arisa likes this.
  5. ZenKi

    ZenKi Fapstronaut

    I feel very identified with what you have said. I have a girlfriend for 11 years and it's painful to have this addiction because I don't really enjoy the time alone with her because I am always afraid that she wants sex. I remember the beggining of the relationship where I was always horny and my erections were perfect, but in the last 4 years I have been always avoiding time with her, telling her that I am so stressful, that I don't have the same interest in sex as before. I have to say that we live in different cities, so it was easy to create excuses. And the few moments when I am having sex with her, I have to think in P, scenes, celebs I like... to try to have a little hard, so eventually I am not enjoying nothing, just thinking and thinking and imagining things, basically watching P in my mind because I can't get any hard without that. And many moments I couldn't get a good erection so the next time I was more worried and I avoided the situation more. I had to tell her about my addiction and it was so so embarrasing and she felt like shit because she thought she wasn't enough and I preferred P than her, and the hard part is that it is just like that. The last time I had sex with her was in December and I had to think in P and I really hope the next time will be better.
    And besides it affects not only my sexuality. I don't dedicate time to my studies and work, I don't eat, exercise or even sleep. It spoils everything.

    Don't feel like an anomaly. You are not less than anyone. You are not your addiction. Live your life to the fullest, learn new things, talk to many people, friends, family..and be strong. You have to get the poison out of your life and only grow good things. Never give up!
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2022
    Kairose and Arisa like this.
  6. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    15 years is a lot, so together desire to porn addiction you will have to face 15 year of developing habit of PMO - this habit indeed can be very powerful, but it is our own biology serving what it have been taught. Addicts don't have free will and avoidance is main theme of addiction.
    Porn addiction is a distorted way of fulfilling sexual desire together with life avoidance and together with instant gratification + distorted emotional relief.

    There are old patterns and power of behavior behind them.
    These old patterns need to be changed.
    There are also suppressed parts of personality and emotions that need to be put into awareness, because they are already going from the side in distorted shape (PMO is distorted expression of sexuality and distorted way of having emotional relief).

    You need to be aware of your needs, especially unfulfilled, you need to reconnect with your emotions. You need to examine your sexuality. And mostly important - you need to see, be aware and name your behavioral patterns that were developed by addiction. And then you need to replace these old patterns with the new functional patterns.
    New habits are being integrated by repetition - this is the rule of learning - repetition until mastery. You are now in master degree of PMO habit.

    Abstaining from PMO is not enough - reach for external help, seek recovery advices and be brave.

    Addicts don't have free will, if you will not reach your hand outside in real world for help, you can be stuck in pattern that will be spiral down into gutter of dysfunctional life.

    And mostly - porn addiction stolen your very soul. Reclaim your emotions and reclaim your soul. Be brave !
    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2022
    Arisa, Backtareality90 and Jose127k like this.
  7. Arisa

    Arisa Fapstronaut

    Thanks, I'm going to check it out.
     
    Kairose likes this.
  8. kopykat

    kopykat Fapstronaut

    510
    459
    63
    I sympathize with you and I hope you can make it out of this better and stronger. I'm sorry that you, like many of us, are struggling.
     
    Arisa likes this.
  9. Arisa

    Arisa Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry to hear that you are going through something similar. You can be proud of yourself for gathering up the courage to tell your girlfriend about it. I'm currently trying to figure out how to tell my boyfriend. But honesty is the way to go. I find that even this forum helps a lot...just posting my story took a huge weight off my chest.
     
    Jose127k likes this.
  10. Arisa

    Arisa Fapstronaut

    This is so true. I'll need to seek professional help eventually. It's just incredibly difficult to gather up the courage to so.
     
    MeTP likes this.
  11. cocolin

    cocolin Fapstronaut

    21
    4
    3
    i feel you. i been addicted for like7 years rn and it ruining my life. i avoild any girls intersted in me because i was always be draining by porn daily. dont build up any good relationship, my career got worse and lost my job now. P is really runining my life, just failed my 3days but i wont give up to get rid of this shit. good luck to you too
     
  12. kopykat

    kopykat Fapstronaut

    510
    459
    63
    I've had the same problem for a while. This is probably the worst aspect of my social life. Somehow, all things considered, I've always had plenty of interest from girls but it seems I do everything I can to distance myself. It's probably a lot to do with my confidence; that's one of many things I can thank porn for.
     
  13. cocolin

    cocolin Fapstronaut

    21
    4
    3
    so you saying that P make you confidence? @@ that weird, cuz to me it drains my energy and demotivate myself
     
  14. Backtareality90

    Backtareality90 Fapstronaut

    9
    2
    3
    I think he means he distances himself from these attracted women because he lacks confidence thanks to porn.
     
  15. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    1,398
    14,692
    143
    Hello. There is a women-only section that most women prefer to post in. You are trying to make your life better. Good.
     
  16. kopykat

    kopykat Fapstronaut

    510
    459
    63
    That's right. Thank you for clarifying that for him.
     
  17. toziko

    toziko Fapstronaut

    Welcome in the resistance sis! Good decision you made. I can relate to it very much. Struggling with this a long time. My husband deals with the consequences and also me suffers.
    Feel free to message me if you have question. If you feel low. If you need somebody to listen. These are all part of the journey!
    Be patient. Be consistent. Stay strong and you can defeat this!
    Best of luck! ❤️
     
    Arisa likes this.
  18. You are less alone with your struggles than you might think. I know a few women who are as addicted (or more) to porn and masturbation.

    @Arisa check out sex and love addicts anonymous- you’ll find a great network of support from men and women with similar troubles and who will be happy to help you make the changes that you seek.
     
    Arisa likes this.
  19. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    I'm no girl, but I can totally relate to that problem. Nearly two years ago, I confessed to my ex-gf about my battle against porn addiction, and it did NOT end well big time. She abandoned me until the next 6 weeks. And that lead me to go up to 5 months clean.

    But anyway, don't give up. Stay strong, ok? We all believe in you.
     
    Arisa likes this.
  20. Arisa

    Arisa Fapstronaut

    Thank you! I'm almost done with day 5...it's the longest I've gone without pmo in years. Sounds stupid but I'm incredibly proud right now.
     
    YesICant and +TenPercent like this.

Share This Page