I'm suffering from HOCD. Is this normal?

Sorry if im posting in the wrong area im new to nofap but Im a 20 year old guy and a virgin and let me first start off by saying I cannot remember a time in my life when I ever checked out a guy. I notice they might be a good looking guy but I never got horny or felt like I wanted to have sex with them. Ive always been attracted to girls since I was a little kid never even thought about being with a guy. Hell before I noticed I might have HOCD I was obsessed with a girl she was the most beautiful girl ive seen and I felt emotional and sexual attraction towards her and when I got rejected I felt awful it made me so depressed and im still upset about it. She probably dodged a bullet with me because im a fucking mess right now but that shows me im at least not gay but im scared im bi and in denial or repressing the feelings or something like that. Like alot of you here I watch porn but im trying to cut back on it because I kind of think its the reason its causing all of this. The past year i got into some kinky shit while masturbating and some of it could be seen as gay acts but I remember thinking about the girl the whole time at least I think. Sometimes I would just focus on how good it felt. ive never been with a guy before and I really dont want to. It would make me think sometimes am I gay or bi because im doing this but it never bothered me before. I dont want to be gay or bi. I want to be 100% straight. I really think my brain was just looking for a rush and it started to desire a stronger rush eventually. It doesnt help when I was doing that stuff I was high and drunk alot too. I would purposefully get drunk and high while doing it because it made it feel better. It use to make me feel ashamed of all the nasty shit I did but I got use to it. I did stop doing some of that stuff because I didnt feel right doing it anymore. Well about a week ago now I was drunk and high and watching porn while whacking it and I got a gay thought in my head that I think turned me on but im still not 100%. Its been a nightmare ever since. It made me so fucking depressed I actually felt like death for the first time. It made me feel worse than that girl rejecting me. I keep imagining scenarios in my head of me having sex with a guy to see if I feel anything. I honestly dont know what im feeling when I think about it. I dont know if its anxiety or arousal or maybe a little bit or what. It makes me worry too that apparently you can be a little bi or a little gay which like i said I want to be 100% straight. Well Ive cut back on masturbating and from porn too. I use to masturbate like 3 times a day and watch alot of porn. If i do watch porn now its something like girls in yoga pants or something not so hardcore. Btw im sorry if ive repeated things and are not explaining things well my mind is all over the fucking place right now. The past couple nights ive been super horny im guessing because im not masturbating as much. I try to do it once a day now and its usually after work. I seen so many hot girls tonight and it was turning me on so much and I wasnt thinking so much about the HOCD or anything I just felt really good and really aroused. I looked up porn when i got home nothing hardcore it was actually girls in yoga pants. I still felt pretty aroused but when i started whacking it I got really horny and felt like i couldve had sex with anything then I couldnt help but think of scenarios of me with guys and I cant tell if I liked it or not I feel like I mightve but idk. I cannot for some reason understand what im feeling. The more I think about them scenarios the more i feel like im starting to like them. I dont know what the fuck is going on with me. Im not seeing a therapist or on any meds. This shit is ruining me. Its killing my motivation for everything. I dont want to try at anything anymore. I cant enjoy weed or beer anymore because the weed would make me worry more and the beer would make me feel more depressed about it. I cannot fully relax because its always in the back of my mind that Im bi. Does this sound pretty normal for HOCD sufferers? Does it sound like im bi? Is it the porn making me think this way? Maybe im going insane lol?