In desperate need of Help

S

seagulls6878

Fapstronaut
Hello everyone
This is seagulls here again. It’s been about 5 years since I have logged back on to nofap. I am really struggling with my life now. I have basically made no improvements in the last 5 years . I really don’t know how to beat this . This is going to be long and I do apologize , I have no one else to talk to. When I was about 11 years old I realized that I had become aroused by the idea of a man and a women wrestling . I can’t remember where it started all I know is that it turned me on. I remember looking at my fathers mens health magazine, a non pornographic magazine . It contained articles about sex and working out . Their was one picture , it was a joke of course . It had two naked girls in mud wrestling some fat guy with a “oh shit” look in his eyes. This picture kept me erect for hours and I stared at it for a long time . I remember riding the bus being young and having this erection fantasizing about a man and a women wrestling. It was not until I turned 12 that I masturbated for the first time . After that I pretty much did it every day from then on. When we got our first family computer when I was 15 I began to look at these “mixed wrestling” videos . I would look at them for hours . It was videos of hot fitness girls in small bikinis wrestling guys. It turned me on like nothing I had ever experienced before . I was very secretive and even cleared the browser history . These videos were easily accessed on YouTube back then. I did not date in high school . I have always been the sensitive type and was bullied badly when I was younger. In high school I didn’t try to talk to girls because I thought I was too ugly and no one would want me. The bullying followed me a long way . Through this time I continued to watch these videos after school . I would get home early , smoke my synthetic marijuana and watch the wrestling videos . At this time I got heavily into marijuana , lsd, mushrooms and ecstasy . Along with taking my fathers prescription pain killers . It seemed to numb the pain. I soon discovered their were women you could pay to carry out these fantasies with . When I was 18 I wrestled a women who was 36. This was my first sexual encounter I graduated high school a virgin . I got my first girlfriend when I was 19 and lost my virginity the same year. I was drinking heavily also. Alcohol turned me into the person I always wanted to be and people seemed to generally like this seagull. It allowed me to talk to women and I thought if I ever quit no one would like me anymore . I continued to do my drugs as well. When I lost my virginity when I was 19 my penis kept getting soft and I had to really focus to keep it erect. This was the first scare .shortly after this I spent the night in my room snorting various pills and drinking alcohol alone . They were pain pills and an amphetamine known as modafinel. I had an erection all night and edged to wrestling videos. When I finally went to sleep and woke up the next day I began to fantasize about wrestling a hot bikini girl again. I could not get aroused and my emotions felt numbed . This fantasy that used to be so arousing no longer turned me on and I couldn’t get an erection. I could get a semi but couldn’t hold it very long. I was only 20 years old and couldn’t get aroused or get an erection. When I tried watching the wrestling porn I could only get a semi but it didn’t turn me on like it used to. No raging boner was their at all. I am now 30 years old. It has been 10 years and it has gotten worse . When I look at porn (wrestling videos ) I can not get an erection at all. If I get one it is only semi hard and doesn’t stay that way for long . I like women but their is not enough sex drive to pursue them. Basically looking at a naked womens body is like looking at a book of butterflies . It does nothing for me , my emotions feel dulled . I don’t wake up with morning wood anymore . If I jack off I will have an orgasm and ejaculate with my penis flaccid the whole time . I asked my doctor I said is it from all the drugs that I have done in my life . He says I don’t believe so he thinks it’s from too much porn . I know longer drink or take drugs . My question is do you guys think my situation is from porn or have I somehow damaged my neurotransmitters. I can’t really find anything online about drugs doing that . I’ve also been around druggie people for a long time and they don’t have any problems with arousal. Other than that I work and live on my own and take care of myself and work out everyday . I’m 30 and my parents are getting older . I know one day they won’t be here anymore . I don’t want to be all alone with no one . My doctor has prescribed Wellbutrin and buspar for the depression and anxiety . If anyone wants to talk or had any helping advice . I’d love to talk .thank you everyone .

seagulls
 
I am not an expert in this field. But I assume that it comes from pornography. There are many reports here of men who have gone through something similar. I don't think drugs can cause this problem. In any case, not permanently. Stay strong, hang in there and the problem will go away.
 
There are several problems:
- too much porn
- too much drugs
- no erection
- fear of loosing your parents
- loneliness
- depression
- anxiety
- and maybe other problems.
It is difficult to deal with all those problems at the same time. The answers for all this problems are probably not the same. Maybe you can try to focus on one problem at one time. Maybe each problem taken apart from the others has solutions not so complicated. Maybe tell us which problem is more important to you. Your post here is clearly a good step towards solving the porn problem.
 
I want to be free from porn . I feel like all my problems stem from porn and my low sex drive and low self esteem . I just want my mind to go back to normal so I can marry one day and be healthy and happy. I just want a normal life and to fall in love . I want to leave the other shit behind . I’m already getting the talks from my dad about how one day he won’t be here and he doesn’t want to see me alone . He doesn’t know about my porn problem . I’m trying hard to work on it . That’s why I’m reaching out , I can’t do this alone . I don’t want to end up alone . I don’t want to sound too depressing but my dad has multiple sclerosis and he is my world . I try to help him as much as I can . I don’t want to create a panic but I’ve imagined how I’m going to end my life once he is gone. If I’m still like this I don’t see much of a point to live . He needs me now and I need him . Porn has destroyed me inside and outside . I never imagined this when I was younger .
 
What I am sure, is that you can be all rigth. The mind is plastic, you can change it, (in this case return it to normal). We can't stop the unstopable, but learn how to deal with it or how to take the best of it.
What if you die before your father? All of your sorrow won't have meaning, so live the best each day as if it is the last one. I recommend you to go to a therapist. You need somebody to listen you, as you've said "I can't do this alone", contact friends whom wich you can hang out to talk (not necessearily about this) but that you trust them.
 
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I appreciate your thoughts and advice . Their is this fetish too . The fetish to want to playfully wrestle hot athletic girls in a bikini. I’ve read online you can’t eradicate a fetish :( I’ve really screwed up by paying sex workers to carry out this fantasy with me . I guess in a way, now that I’ve quit drugs and alcohol this seems to be my last crutch. I have no coping mechanisms . When something bad happens it’s “pull out the phone and pull out the Dick “ . In a way I feel like technology is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me . I want to love myself and love someone else . It’s strange , being bullied and being called fat and ugly as a child . To being almost six feet tall and full of muscles and women liking you. I have to run from them because I know what talking leads to , and I can’t perform. Basically drugs and alcohol and porn care down to me hating myself and needing an outlet . Like I said I’m no longer nerdy and fat but I feel that way still. It’s like that inner child shit . All my issues lead me back to porn. I think your right in me seeing a therapist . I actually believe porn was created to destroy us just as it has destroyed me. I don’t know where the wrestling fetish came from. This happened before porn.i wish I could get it to leave me . I have so many issues . I know reboot can take some time . The addict in me wants to be fixed tomorrow. I know that isn’t the case .
 
last chance said:
I am not an expert in this field. But I assume that it comes from pornography. There are many reports here of men who have gone through something similar. I don't think drugs can cause this problem. In any case, not permanently. Stay strong, hang in there and the problem will go away.
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emmanuel1979 said:
There are several problems:
- too much porn
- too much drugs
- no erection
- fear of loosing your parents
- loneliness
- depression
- anxiety
- and maybe other problems.
It is difficult to deal with all those problems at the same time. The answers for all this problems are probably not the same. Maybe you can try to focus on one problem at one time. Maybe each problem taken apart from the others has solutions not so complicated. Maybe tell us which problem is more important to you. Your post here is clearly a good step towards solving the porn problem.
Click to expand...
Have you recovered my friend ?
 
Hey bud. You're not alone. I'm dealing with a lot of the same stuff. I think the key is to focus on tackling one thing at a time as another member already covered. Whatever you do, try not to get too down on yourself. If you relapse, you relapse. Either be done with it immediately or if that's not your style, write about it or come here to express your feelings or concerns and then be done with it. Tomorrow's another day.

I know that living with this hanging over you is difficult but you've got to find ways to persevere.

Do you have anything in your life that you enjoy? Any hobbies? Creative outlets? Do you have access to nature?

Hang in there.
 
kopykat said:
Hey bud. You're not alone. I'm dealing with a lot of the same stuff. I think the key is to focus on tackling one thing at a time as another member already covered. Whatever you do, try not to get too down on yourself. If you relapse, you relapse. Either be done with it immediately or if that's not your style, write about it or come here to express your feelings or concerns and then be done with it. Tomorrow's another day.

I know that living with this hanging over you is difficult but you've got to find ways to persevere.

Do you have anything in your life that you enjoy? Any hobbies? Creative outlets? Do you have access to nature?

Hang in there.
Click to expand...
Hey man . I appreciate hearing back from you. I workout everyday and I’m pretty strong and built . I recently had to get on testosterone replacement therapy because I abused steroids . I learned my lesson though . I used to skateboard and play guitar when I was younger . It’s like you said though . It’s hard to really enjoy anything with this hanging over your head. It’s difficult to go out with women with this hanging over your head . I don’t know if this has anything to do with it but I get very nervous and shy around women .i live back several parks and sometimes play frisbee golf with a friend . That’s about all I do
 
seagulls6878 said:
Hey man . I appreciate hearing back from you. I workout everyday and I’m pretty strong and built . I recently had to get on testosterone replacement therapy because I abused steroids . I learned my lesson though . I used to skateboard and play guitar when I was younger . It’s like you said though . It’s hard to really enjoy anything with this hanging over your head. It’s difficult to go out with women with this hanging over your head . I don’t know if this has anything to do with it but I get very nervous and shy around women .i live back several parks and sometimes play frisbee golf with a friend . That’s about all I do
Click to expand...

Look. You have to focus on those positive things, however few there may be. Personally, I don't have a single friend at the time being. About 10 years ago, I used to be part of a crew of about 20 people I saw and partied with regularly. Shows you how things can change when you isolate yourself as a result of PMO usage and in your case drug abuse and whatever. Your shyness around women is most definitely attributable to porn, 100%. I struggle with the same thing, I can barely even look them in the eye anymore if and when I do rarely talk to someone in the store or something.

I think another key is to find ways to fill that downtime that is typically used for PMO. We have to find ways and things to stay busy with. It's imperative. We definitely have a lot of stuff in common though. I used to skate and play guitar myself. Now, I barely do anything other than work and hang out on forums online.
 
kopykat said:
Look. You have to focus on those positive things, however few there may be. Personally, I don't have a single friend at the time being. About 10 years ago, I used to be part of a crew of about 20 people I saw and partied with regularly. Shows you how things can change when you isolate yourself as a result of PMO usage and in your case drug abuse and whatever. Your shyness around women is most definitely attributable to porn, 100%. I struggle with the same thing, I can barely even look them in the eye anymore if and when I do rarely talk to someone in the store or something.

I think another key is to find ways to fill that downtime that is typically used for PMO. We have to find ways and things to stay busy with. It's imperative. We definitely have a lot of stuff in common though. I used to skate and play guitar myself. Now, I barely do anything other than work and hang out on forums online.
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Yes we do have a lot of similarities . I get very nervous around women and in most cases try and avoid them . Once I sobered up and quit drinking most of my “friends “ wanted nothing to do with me anymore . I have one person I call a friend and my family . Other than that I’m basically alone . I guess you go back to the porn cause that’s all you feel like you got . Nothing in my life has a hold on me like porn does . I guess cause it’s so accessible . I stay angry all the time and am angry at “god” if their even is one . It has left me insanely bitter to the point where people ask me why I’m mad all the time .
 
seagulls6878 said:
Yes we do have a lot of similarities . I get very nervous around women and in most cases try and avoid them . Once I sobered up and quit drinking most of my “friends “ wanted nothing to do with me anymore . I have one person I call a friend and my family . Other than that I’m basically alone . I guess you go back to the porn cause that’s all you feel like you got . Nothing in my life has a hold on me like porn does . I guess cause it’s so accessible . I stay angry all the time and am angry at “god” if their even is one . It has left me insanely bitter to the point where people ask me why I’m mad all the time .
Click to expand...

I get it, man. I think I'm the same way but I can put on a happy face at work for the most part. I don't hate my job so it's not too difficult to be somewhat normal there. Everything else though, I'm on my own and I feel like shit. You're right about porn though. That's why many of us have not been able to quit for years. It really is the only thing where I'm like, "ok, I'm not going to deny myself this one pleasure." But, again, that's the problem. We have to have things we're interested in, things that fulfill us, things to strive towards and a sense of purpose in life. I don't really have any of that right now so it's no surprise I'm still entangled in the PMO web.
 
Whichever one it is, it sounds like addiction. I heard Teen Challenge had over a 90% success rate with addictions. I think now it's Adult and Teen Challenge and they help adults, too. You could find a program on their teenchallengeusa site.
 
kopykat said:
I get it, man. I think I'm the same way but I can put on a happy face at work for the most part. I don't hate my job so it's not too difficult to be somewhat normal there. Everything else though, I'm on my own and I feel like shit. You're right about porn though. That's why many of us have not been able to quit for years. It really is the only thing where I'm like, "ok, I'm not going to deny myself this one pleasure." But, again, that's the problem. We have to have things we're interested in, things that fulfill us, things to strive towards and a sense of purpose in life. I don't really have any of that right now so it's no surprise I'm still entangled in the PMO web.
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Yeah I don’t have any of that either . It’s just get through the next day . One day goes into another and they just kind of blur together . My fuse is short these days and most people get on my nerves. I just think one day I’ll wake up and it will be over , and I’ll be normal again. It seems less and less like that will happen.
 
seagulls6878 said:
Yeah I don’t have any of that either . It’s just get through the next day . One day goes into another and they just kind of blur together . My fuse is short these days and most people get on my nerves. I just think one day I’ll wake up and it will be over , and I’ll be normal again. It seems less and less like that will happen.
Click to expand...

Irritability just so happens to be a common symptom of both excessive PMO and withdrawal from it. I have something similar but I deal with a lot of road rage I guess. It's all the same shit but it manifests in different ways in all of us. Check out this website, there's some valuable information there.
 
kopykat said:
Irritability just so happens to be a common symptom of both excessive PMO and withdrawal from it. I have something similar but I deal with a lot of road rage I guess. It's all the same shit but it manifests in different ways in all of us. Check out this website, there's some valuable information there.
Click to expand...
So you have pied and low sex drive as well ?
 
seagulls6878 said:
Bro I have thyroid problems too I was just diagnosed with that and anemia . I thought it was from anabolic steroids but damn that’s weird man
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Really? What do you mean specifically by "thyroid problems?" Hashimoto's is actually more of an immune condition. If you read extensively through that thread, you'll see lots of other guys also with many overlaps. I don't think for a second it's coincidence. PMO has destroyed the health of so many of us, man.
 
I take thyroid medicine man my testosterone doctor took blood and it was out of range . I am also anemic too but again probably from roids
 
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