In desperate need of Help

Hello everyone
This is seagulls here again. It’s been about 5 years since I have logged back on to nofap. I am really struggling with my life now. I have basically made no improvements in the last 5 years . I really don’t know how to beat this . This is going to be long and I do apologize , I have no one else to talk to. When I was about 11 years old I realized that I had become aroused by the idea of a man and a women wrestling . I can’t remember where it started all I know is that it turned me on. I remember looking at my fathers mens health magazine, a non pornographic magazine . It contained articles about sex and working out . Their was one picture , it was a joke of course . It had two naked girls in mud wrestling some fat guy with a “oh shit” look in his eyes. This picture kept me erect for hours and I stared at it for a long time . I remember riding the bus being young and having this erection fantasizing about a man and a women wrestling. It was not until I turned 12 that I masturbated for the first time . After that I pretty much did it every day from then on. When we got our first family computer when I was 15 I began to look at these “mixed wrestling” videos . I would look at them for hours . It was videos of hot fitness girls in small bikinis wrestling guys. It turned me on like nothing I had ever experienced before . I was very secretive and even cleared the browser history . These videos were easily accessed on YouTube back then. I did not date in high school . I have always been the sensitive type and was bullied badly when I was younger. In high school I didn’t try to talk to girls because I thought I was too ugly and no one would want me. The bullying followed me a long way . Through this time I continued to watch these videos after school . I would get home early , smoke my synthetic marijuana and watch the wrestling videos . At this time I got heavily into marijuana , lsd, mushrooms and ecstasy . Along with taking my fathers prescription pain killers . It seemed to numb the pain. I soon discovered their were women you could pay to carry out these fantasies with . When I was 18 I wrestled a women who was 36. This was my first sexual encounter I graduated high school a virgin . I got my first girlfriend when I was 19 and lost my virginity the same year. I was drinking heavily also. Alcohol turned me into the person I always wanted to be and people seemed to generally like this seagull. It allowed me to talk to women and I thought if I ever quit no one would like me anymore . I continued to do my drugs as well. When I lost my virginity when I was 19 my penis kept getting soft and I had to really focus to keep it erect. This was the first scare .shortly after this I spent the night in my room snorting various pills and drinking alcohol alone . They were pain pills and an amphetamine known as modafinel. I had an erection all night and edged to wrestling videos. When I finally went to sleep and woke up the next day I began to fantasize about wrestling a hot bikini girl again. I could not get aroused and my emotions felt numbed . This fantasy that used to be so arousing no longer turned me on and I couldn’t get an erection. I could get a semi but couldn’t hold it very long. I was only 20 years old and couldn’t get aroused or get an erection. When I tried watching the wrestling porn I could only get a semi but it didn’t turn me on like it used to. No raging boner was their at all. I am now 30 years old. It has been 10 years and it has gotten worse . When I look at porn (wrestling videos ) I can not get an erection at all. If I get one it is only semi hard and doesn’t stay that way for long . I like women but their is not enough sex drive to pursue them. Basically looking at a naked womens body is like looking at a book of butterflies . It does nothing for me , my emotions feel dulled . I don’t wake up with morning wood anymore . If I jack off I will have an orgasm and ejaculate with my penis flaccid the whole time . I asked my doctor I said is it from all the drugs that I have done in my life . He says I don’t believe so he thinks it’s from too much porn . I know longer drink or take drugs . My question is do you guys think my situation is from porn or have I somehow damaged my neurotransmitters. I can’t really find anything online about drugs doing that . I’ve also been around druggie people for a long time and they don’t have any problems with arousal. Other than that I work and live on my own and take care of myself and work out everyday . I’m 30 and my parents are getting older . I know one day they won’t be here anymore . I don’t want to be all alone with no one . My doctor has prescribed Wellbutrin and buspar for the depression and anxiety . If anyone wants to talk or had any helping advice . I’d love to talk .thank you everyone .

seagulls

 

I want to be free from porn . I feel like all my problems stem from porn and my low sex drive and low self esteem . I just want my mind to go back to normal so I can marry one day and be healthy and happy. I just want a normal life and to fall in love . I want to leave the other shit behind . I’m already getting the talks from my dad about how one day he won’t be here and he doesn’t want to see me alone . He doesn’t know about my porn problem . I’m trying hard to work on it . That’s why I’m reaching out , I can’t do this alone . I don’t want to end up alone . I don’t want to sound too depressing but my dad has multiple sclerosis and he is my world . I try to help him as much as I can . I don’t want to create a panic but I’ve imagined how I’m going to end my life once he is gone. If I’m still like this I don’t see much of a point to live . He needs me now and I need him . Porn has destroyed me inside and outside . I never imagined this when I was younger .

 

I appreciate your thoughts and advice . Their is this fetish too . The fetish to want to playfully wrestle hot athletic girls in a bikini. I’ve read online you can’t eradicate a fetish I’ve really screwed up by paying sex workers to carry out this fantasy with me . I guess in a way, now that I’ve quit drugs and alcohol this seems to be my last crutch. I have no coping mechanisms . When something bad happens it’s “pull out the phone and pull out the Dick “ . In a way I feel like technology is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me . I want to love myself and love someone else . It’s strange , being bullied and being called fat and ugly as a child . To being almost six feet tall and full of muscles and women liking you. I have to run from them because I know what talking leads to , and I can’t perform. Basically drugs and alcohol and porn care down to me hating myself and needing an outlet . Like I said I’m no longer nerdy and fat but I feel that way still. It’s like that inner child shit . All my issues lead me back to porn. I think your right in me seeing a therapist . I actually believe porn was created to destroy us just as it has destroyed me. I don’t know where the wrestling fetish came from. This happened before porn.i wish I could get it to leave me . I have so many issues . I know reboot can take some time . The addict in me wants to be fixed tomorrow. I know that isn’t the case .

 

Have you recovered my friend ?

 

Hey man . I appreciate hearing back from you. I workout everyday and I’m pretty strong and built . I recently had to get on testosterone replacement therapy because I abused steroids . I learned my lesson though . I used to skateboard and play guitar when I was younger . It’s like you said though . It’s hard to really enjoy anything with this hanging over your head. It’s difficult to go out with women with this hanging over your head . I don’t know if this has anything to do with it but I get very nervous and shy around women .i live back several parks and sometimes play frisbee golf with a friend . That’s about all I do

 

Yes we do have a lot of similarities . I get very nervous around women and in most cases try and avoid them . Once I sobered up and quit drinking most of my “friends “ wanted nothing to do with me anymore . I have one person I call a friend and my family . Other than that I’m basically alone . I guess you go back to the porn cause that’s all you feel like you got . Nothing in my life has a hold on me like porn does . I guess cause it’s so accessible . I stay angry all the time and am angry at “god” if their even is one . It has left me insanely bitter to the point where people ask me why I’m mad all the time .

 

Yeah I don’t have any of that either . It’s just get through the next day . One day goes into another and they just kind of blur together . My fuse is short these days and most people get on my nerves. I just think one day I’ll wake up and it will be over , and I’ll be normal again. It seems less and less like that will happen.

 

So you have pied and low sex drive as well ?

 

Bro I have thyroid problems too I was just diagnosed with that and anemia . I thought it was from anabolic steroids but damn that’s weird man

 

I take thyroid medicine man my testosterone doctor took blood and it was out of range . I am also anemic too but again probably from roids