So proud of you guys! @Wade W. Wilson @Jagliana Keeping going! this journey is for the long haul, but worth it.
This is pretty cool I think you've been good enough, it's all on HIM now. You deserve his accountability, he has to earn yours. Don't fall for it @Jagliana, all relationships feel new, fresh, fun and passionate in the beginning, just remember what it led to last time, with him, for you. Just be careful.
DAY 61: DAILY GOALS MET: My husband has continued to be honest with me about his urges/triggers... Reading information/watching/videos on healing and learning to verbalize my frustrations as they happen. Daily talk with my husband (w/o distractions)... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We are both in a surreal/serene place right now, a place neither of us expected to be a mere 62 days ago but here we are, I actually FEEL that he WANTS to be near me, WANTS to touch me (not just sexually), WANTS talk to me, ENJOYS being honest and vulnerable with me -- AND I actually WANT it all too... unlike how I felt when we were so disconnected over the majority of our marriage. By both of us sharing and being honest (every day) we have developed intimacy, something we never had in our very stale marriage and it is upping our connection to levels we've never felt before. I don't think I am at a place yet, where I really feel; deep inside, that he finds me as beautiful/hot/desirable as he tells me he does, but maybe at some point, I'll get there. He seems to have gotten so in-tune with his own emotions these days that he even surprised me recently. He told me, that a few nights ago when I got upset at him for falling asleep mid-talk, then turned around and slept on my side of the bed the whole night without hugging him (as I usually did)... he actually felt bad, deep down that something was off. This wasn't the first time something like this happened (when I avoided touching him at night over the years) but it was the first time where he actually FELT it, he was upset about it and woke up early and said he felt lost, he wanted to hug me but was afraid I didn't want him too. Prior times, it never affected him, he didn't seem to notice or care. I didn't see any of this coming, I don't think neither of us did. For him to have feelings and actually expressing them to me? for me to tell him exactly what I'm thinking? It's like my mind gets emptied out each night, by the time the sun rises I feel at peace and clear headed to start the day in a pleasant mood. I don't have hundreds of fears, questions, thoughts rushing through my mind - because any concern I have, I can ask him and he will give me an honest answer. He's been on a "staycation" this week and every morning we just laying in each other's arms and actually want time to stop, right at the moment - forever. Two months ago, I wanted him to hurry up and leave to work, so I can go back to giving my attention to my social media friends because they gave me attention back. Now, I don't want him to leave, I want him around. I want him to hold me, I even grab his hand and press it tighter to my body, so I feel him even closer. I want time move faster during the day so we can get to our kid's bedtime asap, so we can have our nightly talks - because they excite me now, so much so, that I even shut down my laptop for the night. This is all new to me, but I'm loving every minute of it, I just hope it lasts because this feeling is so wonderful, I don't want it to ever end. We've also been talking about our goals. He is fully aware that I am still unsure if I am willing to trust/take a risk that this 'new him' will last, as much as I feel myself falling for him - I really don't want to get hit by another truck in a few years. Having said that, right now we are both working together to help each other individually figure things out, as well as a couple. His main goal for right now is to try and make it a full year without a relapse to PMing and/or lying. My main goal is to remain open with him about my emotions, anger, and triggers. If something sets me off, I will not bottle it up and fester, I will talk to him about it and we will work it out; together. If we are so lucky as to hit our 1-year goals, the next goal I'd like to reach is making our new habits become so normal that they would be our "complacency". What I mean by that is, instead of worrying about slipping up and getting complacent (to who we were prior to his recovery/my healing)... we would be so used to being open and honest, that if we aren't for some reason something will feel wrong or really off.
DAY 62: DAILY GOALS MET: My husband has continued to be honest with me about his urges/triggers... Reading information/watching/videos on healing and learning to verbalize my frustrations as they happen. Daily talk with my husband (w/o distractions)... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last night, we spent the evening coming up with content for one of my geeky Facebook groups, TOGETHER. This is something that I usually do on my own, but this time he wanted to help. I've noticed subtle changes in him like this one and I like them, a lot. He seems more relatable to me because it's as if he's becoming like me if that makes sense? he is doing stuff out of the norm for him, but totally something I would do. Like actually finding his own meme's/quotes to post (which he finds fun?!), even hand-picking ones to send to me. He listens to music and actually pays attention to the lyrics/meaning and connects them to his/our situations... etc, it's been pretty cool to see not to mention how he is feeling empty if I don't hug him at night when he didn't react in any way before. We have been talking a lot, our connection is still growing every day. Sometimes all we do is talk, cuddle and have sex. I don't know which of the three I enjoy most lol, but they all feel great - I just love being touched by him these days. We've spent quite a bit of time in the mornings/night making out and caressing each other, recently it's been mostly focused on him/his pleasure, but I enjoy it because I love making him feel good. I am just afraid it might provoke a relapse for him. I must admit, there are a few things I miss from month one of recovery that he has stopped/doesn't do all that much anymore, but I guess I kind of knew that would happen, as it usually does lol. This morning, we actually ran out of recovery/healing talk LOL so we just did what we used to do and talked about our guilty pleasure *Pokemon Go* (yea, yea, so what!) and the recent update to the game. It was nice to talk about non-serious stuff (a little breather from reality). Today has been one of those lazy days, kids are home and we've been chilling around the house watching movies/tv, like Guardians of the Galaxy 2. Nowadays, he sits close to me (he used to remain in his lazy boy chair across the room) and just holds my hand or caresses my arm/leg - which I love. Tonight we'll probably have a shorter talk, watch some more tv and head to bed and maybe SLEEP lol. Aside from us, I've been feeling rather blah lately, about myself that is. Some days, I can't look at myself in the mirror. I think all of the damage his PM/excessive ogling plus being felt so unwanted/unattractive (to/by him) has done to me over the years is really hard to shake. I think it's embedded in my brain now. Even though I've lost a lot of my post-baby weight and I am actually back in some of my pre-wedding clothes - I just feel so, fat and ugly. He's been telling me he thinks I'm beautiful, hot, he desires me and I want to really believe it/feel it, but I just can't, not sure why. Maybe it is all those times I caught him ogling, that had me constantly comparing what HE was enjoying looking at (instead of me); to myself like their hair, eyes, brows, nose, lips, face, breasts, stomach, hips, butt, general shape, literally breaking them down part by part and comparing it to everything I felt they had, he wanted and I lacked... some days are better than others, but I guess this is something I have to figure out next.
Careful, P.A's are selfish by nature, don't promote this behavior. It should be a two way street, I think he has had more than enough time focusing on his needs. Think about it. STOP IT! you are beautiful, never let anyone else make you feel any different. If he prefers looking at other women, that's his problem. He should keep his eyes on you, because what he doesn't realize is that while he is looking at other women, other men are going to be looking at you! SELFISH!
DAY 63: DAILY GOALS MET: My husband has continued to be honest with me about his urges/triggers... Reading information/watching/videos on healing and learning to verbalize my frustrations as they happen. Daily talk with my husband (w/o distractions)... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last night, we had a really short chat - I was passing out. I don't know what came over me, but I was really tired and really wanted to sleep. He did mention that he didn't like that last morning, he was trying to cuddle and I was checking stuff on my phone. Kind of ironic, given that usually it's what I end up complaining about and I told him, "why didn't you just tell me" and he said; exactly what I use to say: "Because, like you, I didn't want to mention it, I thought you would have just done it". Seriously, where is this all coming from?! the irony is not lost on me. The tables seem to be reversing, where was this guy for 12 years??????? He's noticed my mood has been sour and did bring up that he sensed something was off all day with our connection. Maybe he is right, maybe something is off - I just can't put my finger on it. Could be hormones, some feeling of things possibly being done only to get something out of it (him), or some of the S.O posts on here putting everything in doubt, because I don't want to end up hurt, just like they were. Or maybe it's just how I've been feeling about myself lately. I just don't know.
Hi, @Jagliana. I completely understand how you feel. In fact, I'm about to write a post you might relate to. ((hugs))
DAY 64: DAILY GOALS MET: My husband has continued to be honest with me about his urges/triggers... Verbalize my triggers or frustrations, as they happen or same day. Daily talk with my husband (w/o distractions)... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last night, he asked me why I've been so "out of it" compared to the last few weeks. I couldn't even pinpoint it myself, but I tried anyway as I have to keep up my part and be honest/open about my feelings. It's a mix of my hormones, reading some triggering threads that bring up a heap of different emotions and just thinking about some of his past actions, questioning my looks all the time etc. He tells me these days that he likes seeing my eyes sparkle and the last few days, the sparkle has been dim. I do find it refreshing is that he even notices my mood at all - he never has before, or if he did, it obviously never bothered him enough to bring it up - not that I would have told him the truth back then, anyway. Then we talked about some of my fears, my biggest one is that I feel myself really falling for this 'new guy' that lays across from me, looking into my eyes every night. I don't want him to go away, ever. This new guy, he won't hurt me, he doesn't want to hurt me and I feel it, I really can. I fear though, at some point, once I'm HOOKED on this new guy, the old one will push his way back in, somehow. That guy, he is selfish, he doesn't care about me or my pain, he has no problem hurting me. Call me paranoid, but it's one of my biggest fears. I've been letting myself be vulnerable and completely honest with him, something I haven't done with anyone - ever. So now the stakes are even higher for me, if I get hurt again, I will feel it 100 times more. These past two months have been so different, so weird but so great. He's changing, a lot and I keep asking him - how is it possible? he says he was really moved by the "Help Her Heal Series", it was the catapult that set his recovery into motion. He grew a sense of empathy, something he never had before and that he is honestly sorry for everything he has done to me. He feels shame, remorse, and sadness for the betrayal and pain he inflicted on me. There are so many little things I've been noticing, minor for some but significant for me. Things that he never did before or even considered, he is now actively engaged in and doing, it gives me so much hope, that sparkle he talks about - because this stuff he is gradually changing on his own, without me encouraging to do so. This is also why I've set very little boundaries for him, I want to see HIM making changes on his own and not just following my instructions. I understand this may not work for everyone because every person and situation is different. For me, I have no reason to mother him into submission - if he wants to change, it will have to be of his own free will. I want a strong man, the kind of man who can show me that he can exhibit self-control when it comes to his weaknesses like PM, PSubs, and Ogling. I don't want to spend the rest of my life and energy constantly denying him access to everything - "just in case". At the end of the day, if he (or any PA) wants to find a way to return to this addiction, he will, there is always going to be a new method around the corner. Like the saying goes "if there is a will, there is a way". My husband knows where I currently stand, I'm no longer playing any games or throwing around any chances, this it is for us, period. He relapses and is honest with me; we'll continue to work it out - he lies again; it's game over. To end on a nicer note: sometimes he asks me: "what's on your mind?" and I just respond with: "I just want to know is this for real?!" because this "new guy" surprises me every day, which is so unlike the old guy. I want to keep being surprised, it helps move the needle in a positive direction.
That's exactly how I feel. Some days I'll wake up and am afraid that the nice guy was a dream. I actually like this guy and dont want him to go away.
Yep, it's an unfortunate possibility though, with our guys and that's what sucks the most. Makes it really difficult to figure out what you should do too.
DAY 65: DAILY GOALS MET: My husband has continued to be honest with me about his urges/triggers... Verbalize my triggers or frustrations, as they happen or same day. Daily talk with my husband (w/o distractions)... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last night, we talked a little bit about how he (and I) are both pleasantly surprised that he has gone now, 65 days without masturbating and without too many triggers/urges. This has been his longest streak since he began masturbating, altogether. Even after our first D-Day, he said he stopped P for a while, but was back to M'ing within a few weeks (which in turn, led him right back to the P). To be honest, I didn't even think he would start this recovery, it's not like he ever bothered to try before even under the premise that it was his last chance with me - he always picked porn; his addiction, over me. I don't know what finally motivated him, could have been because I didn't offer him any more chances this time, all I said was - I'm done, this marriage is over. We both agreed to a 3-year plan, which was to play house for our kids and to the outside world (family/friends) as I have already mastered that acting skill, but essentially, we'd remain in one house but maritally separated until our eldest got into high school. I stumbled upon NoFap and sent him the link, with "check it out if you want". I only sent it to him, as a friend and concerned co-parent, because at that point I no longer cared what he wanted to do with himself or his porn shenanigans. I never considered he would actually take any steps towards change - ever, so I was preparing myself for divorce... but then... out of left field... Slowly, he has been surprising me every single day of this recovery, not by his words or promises but by his actions, efforts and the work he is putting in. He doesn't wait for me to give him MY list of instructions on how I want/need him to behave from now on, he has taken the reins of his own recovery and has been gradually changing himself. Best of all? is the fact that it is without any directives from me - that is how he is showing me that these changes are for REAL and not a ruse to pull the wool over my eyes. I guess I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to addiction, no one else really matters (although they may help propel the addict to reevaluate themselves)... so if a PA isn't really ready to make a change; from within, he will not make one. Forcing someone to change, for anyone but oneself will always result in failure. You can be the most creative S.O and write out a laundry list of boundaries for the PA, but if he doesn't want to really change, he will resent being mothered and find another way to get his "fix", no matter the consequences. It took my husband a lot of failed chances, to finally come out from under his own shadow and see this addiction for what it really is and what it has been doing to me - by himself. It needed to hit him right square in the face, that he had a really big problem and he needed to change it, for his own sake. I know he also has me, our girls and family on his mind and we serve as good motivation for success but until he realized that his addiction was an actual problem and causing harm to HIM and he wanted to change his own future - nothing else mattered. I have to say though, it really has been amazing to watch him turn into someone I no longer recognize but someone I would really like to keep around. This subtle transition is insane to witness, but like I said I am loving it, loving him - more and more with each passing day. I am still clear-eyed though, I know he has a long way to go and I can't get my hopes up - just yet. But, he is turning into the man that I thought I was marrying 12 years ago. He is attentive, empathetic, courting me again, he wants to sit next to me and hold me when we watch tv. When we lay in bed, he needs me close and if I'm not he actually FEELS it, he feels like something is missing. He looks up quotes to post, not just any random ones, but ones he can relate to - something I normally do and he NEVER cared for. He really listens to songs now, looks for and relates to them - not just singing along just because he knows the lyrics. He actually got upset that I was on my phone when he wanted to cuddle (that was my bit!)... He tells me about how he never realized how bad his ogling was until he tried to control it and now that he's trying, he is sorry for every trigger I went through for all those years. He brought up how now when he listens to Howard Stern, all he thinks is how much women are being objectified on his show and remembers times when there were contests and he would try to look them up to see photos, but now he just feels sorry for the girls. Even when I'm working on content for my geeky group, I'm looking for photos of superhero actresses, I click on one and he chimes in with "Nah, there's too much cleavage" -- I was floored lmao, to say the least, it's like WHO THE HELL ARE YOU and WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY ASSHOLE HUSBAND?! We've been spending a lot of time talking, getting to know each other from a new standpoint, one where I am finally open with him about my true feelings and he is honest with me, about everything. At first, it was weird, but now talking just seems to come naturally to us and we don't hesitate to come out with what's really on our minds. Our sex life has finally turned into the things dreams are made of, neither of us is holding back anymore and we are both enjoying every intense minute of it. We've been waking up and spending a few minutes just holding and caressing each other, instead of jumping out of bed and doing whatever we need to - same goes for bedtime, we've never actually done that, it wasn't ever intimate or sensual - more like: hop in bed, he turns around, I hug him for a few minutes, he passes out and I turn to my side and go to sleep - then wake up, quickly get out of bed and do my morning routine. He has been playing on his phone a lot less in the first month, I've noticed an uptick on that and I told him about it, it doesn't bother me too much (yet) but that was one of the ways I felt ignored before, cause it was as if he literally stared at his phone 24/7 (instead of at me!). Overall though, I'm happier then I was two months ago... and the full body massages help too, although those I could use much more of!
Well hot damn, is it possible for someone to change? your words are making me question my own theories. I still really hope this isn't an elaborate scheme by him to win you back and then go back to the 'other stuff' leaving you crushed. If these changes are for real, then that would be a miracle and great for you.
Hey, a mostly positive reply Jason -- maybe people CAN change. Seriously though..glad you're on NoFap.
