My Journey Towards Peace (Journal)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by WantsToBelieve, Oct 12, 2017.

  1. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    10/26/17: I'm going to add a few posts here from the SOS group forum to give some full context for anyone who is wondering. Since I've turned this thread into my journal. Y'know. I'll italicize those parts and leave the others normal.

    From 9/26/17: My fiancee and I have been together since November of 2014. We had known each other since high school and had been friends nearly that entire time (I graduated in 2011, he in 2009). Everyone says our story is adorable as it was perfect timing for both of us. He asked me if I wanted to hang out and we just gravitated towards each other. That was it. We moved in together not long after and were mostly happy, apart from some non-related family issues I was dealing with. I was preoccupied helping my sister through her divorce and she ended up taking advantage of me, which caused my boyfriend to resent me, at least a little bit. I suppose he was feeling neglected.

    Not long after this started, he upgraded to his first smartphone. He had set up his profile with my google account to begin with (yes, he is lazy and didn't want to take the time to set up his own). One day I was looking for something I'd seen before online and forgot to bookmark, and that's when I saw the porn for the first time. Now, I have pre-existing trust issues about porn from a previous relationship (very twisted kinds of porn involving children's cartoons) so this was a shock to me. I reacted in a way that wasn't very kind to him and he agreed to stop, though he didn't understand fully and I didn't explain to him fully why I hated it so much.

    Fast forward a little bit to when he started acting strange again, which I will estimate was about six months later. He was very detached and by this point had created his own google profile. But he had also set up a password for his phone (a touch pattern). I watched him enough times out of the corner of my eye that I learned the pattern and got into his phone. He was still doing it, though I had asked him a few times and he said he'd stopped. So that was the first time I caught him lying, though I admit looking through his phone was a violation of trust. He said he'd stop lying about it.

    Fast forward again another six months to him actually trying to be honest about his use of porn. I was already mistrustful of him to begin with and started to feel I wasn't doing enough to satisfy him. So I went out and bought lingerie and came onto him more. This worked for a while, or so I thought. Now I'm of the opinion that probably made things even worse as it fueled his sexual tension. This was around the time he discovered what incognito mode on Chrome was all about, so he started hiding his history from me as he knew I checked pretty regularly. As a lot of you probably know, you can see the times that someone uses chrome. There were significant time gaps in his history so I knew. And I asked him so many times. But I had no proof, so I suffered in silence for a good while.

    Now, the worst part. One night he acted VERY strange. Like he was stressed out about something to the point of not even speaking to me. So we went to bed as usual. In the morning he went to take a shower and I grabbed his phone. There were three tabs open that I am still shaking thinking about, this was the worst trauma I'd ever experienced from it. One of the tabs was a subreddit of young women posting nudes of themselves for men to look at (which is the closest to actually cheating on me that he'd ever gotten). Another... was the order he had just finished for my engagement ring. The last was a text message thread between he and my mother, telling her to distract me for the night so that he could go and ask my father for permission for my hand. Which she had done, successfully. Until then I had no idea.

    So I freaked. I confronted him as soon as he was out of the shower and gave him the ultimatum of either stop lying to me, or I say no in front of everyone on Christmas morning when he planned to propose. It was all I knew to do with that pain I felt. Knowing that he had asked my father for my hand and then came home and looked at other women's bodies and objectified them all, I still can't handle that thought. So he agreed to stop lying again, and I fell for it and said yes to his engagement. So I suppose I am partially to blame for that.

    We have been through this again twice since our engagement and this is the last straw. Thursday night, 9/21/17, he admitted he'd lied to me again after I noticed suspicious activity. I kicked him out of our apartment for the weekend. He is back now but I can barely stand to look at him. He has agreed to see a counselor, but I haven't heard back from any I have contacted yet so I am going stir crazy and want to see if any of you have ideas for how I can cope in the meantime with all of this betrayal. Also, he has created a profile of his own on NoFap and I have resisted the urge to find his profile. I just know he will not solve this problem on his own, so how do I find a reason to believe in him again?

    I'd also like to point out that our sexual life is actually quite good, we have sex probably three times a week and both always reach O. But I still fear that I will never be enough for him.

    From 9/29/17: Update Time:

    So, things are bad. We have been pretty much talking about this since last weekend. I have had to force myself to eat and sleep, I have been extremely unproductive at work, and I can't focus on anything but this massive log in the road in front of me. I am doing absolutely everything I know how to do to try to be supportive. He just refuses to meet me halfway. Wednesday evening, my fiancee left work early to prepare me a nice steak dinner with wine and picked me up nine red roses. This is the kind of thing that bothers me, when he feels as if he can buy my forgiveness. But this might have seemed to him like an effort to really apologize and start to make amends. I'm not mad about that, I appreciated it, in fact. I thought it was a whole-hearted apology and a start to the work he has to do.
    The next morning (yesterday morning), we were snuggling in bed and he had a visible E. So he was clearly horny already. I only have about half an hour to get ready for work, so I took a shower and posed naked on the couch so he could take a picture of me to use (for now, I am trying to get him to use these so he doesn't have to resort to P if he feels the need to M). He said he didn't need it and that he could wait until that night. I made the foolish mistake of believing that, though I was reluctant. But what choice did I have?
    Later last night, I'd come home and he immediately came on to me, said he was going to make love to me, etc. So we did, and he gave me O first. Then, unexpectedly he just looked straight at me and said "do you mind if I take a video of you giving me a BJ?" so of course my mind went to "well, if he has that to use he won't need P..." so I let him. But then at the end he did something very unexpected that made me feel so wrong, so dehumanized (you can probably guess what that was, I won't go into too much detail). I just sat there and cried afterwards and he apologized. Said he shouldn't have done it. He deleted the video. Only then did he admit that he was horny not because of me, but because of the girls in bikinis he'd looked up while he was at work, which I then told him counted as P-sub. Heart... shattered.
    So it turns out that he's no longer even attracted to me. He uses me for his own satisfaction and keeps me around by acting like he cares about making me happy. He is holding me in this relationship because he knows I'm done playing the dating game and have settled into this relationship with the plan it will be my last.
    I verbally asked him how attracted he is to me. He said I'm average. (Heart shattered again). He never thought I was just average. He thought I was beautiful when we first got together. And now I don't even feel like a woman anymore. He literally prefers pixels over me, he said it. I'm so lost and hurt and damaged, so anything any of you could give me for advice would be very appreciated. I'm not even sure why I stay at this point.

    From 10/11/17:
    So last night was rough... I'd had a couple of triggers this past week that I wanted to talk about. We ended up fighting and he started to gaslight me a little bit, which I rapidly put an end to. He said he doesn't understand why I'm still trying to get him to do anything other than communicate with me, which he has been doing, and he's been doing it well. He talks about his triggers and actions and I really, really do appreciate it. I got really upset because as most of you probably know, it's really hard for an SO to go through it being the only one doing research and reading and trying to actually come up with a plan. All he keeps saying is "I think it's because of my ADHD, or this, that or blah blah blah" well I can't live just "thinking" things are the way they are. I need to know. He outright refused to use NoFap. "Forums always just bothered me, I will not use that, I hate reading, I don't like talking to people." Is this all just excuses so he doesn't have to deal with it?

    Are there any PA's out there that CAN quit on their own? Without any resources? Should I be okay with him not taking any additional steps? I'm losing my mind.

    So... I'm going away for the weekend and I'm absolutely terrified. It's been a really rough week with triggers for both myself and my SO, he has had urges for P and M, and has actually M'd yesterday but did not own up to it until today (after we had sex). We argued earlier in the week about him not doing anything other than reflection and self-analysis and he's refused to use NoFap as a resource. He doesn't have anything other than sheer "will power" to stop himself from using P. And to me that's just... not enough. I'm tired of having to pull teeth in order to get him to be intimate, sexually or emotionally. I've even taken off my engagement ring as a symbol that I've had enough. Can anyone give me some input on what I should be asking of him instead of doing independent research? He's outright refused at this point. He doesn't come to me with ideas or a plan, and doesn't want to read and learn. And I'm exhausted from doing it all myself. I know more about his addiction than he does. Please help :emoji_weary:
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2017
    u376 and bewildered2 like this.
  2. I think it is very common for "beginner Fapstronaut" PAs to behave like your SO does. I know it sucks big time for you to be the only one interested in his recovery. His willpower is not going to be enough, you are absolutely right. Maybe it's time to make some requests/demands/deal breakers lists? They are the kind of boundary lists, but they are divided into "severity" categories. As the names suggest, some are mild (requests) and some more severe (demands and deal breakers). Deal breakers are the most severe ones and should be used with caution. Only if you are actually going to break off your engagement or end the relationship, they apply.

    You could calmly explain to him, that a relationship cannot be one-sided like it is now. You should be able to request certain things from him, like educating himself on his addiction. I myself would consider it a deal breaker, if my SO refused any treatment or education on his addiction or our relationship, but that's me. You must decide yourself what matters to you and your relationship.

    Here is a blog post on the Requests, Demands & Ultimatums:
  3. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    I'll do that. To be honest, it is kind of a deal breaker to me (a demand at the very least). It means to me that he is not taking this even nearly as seriously as I am. I should not have to be the one researching and setting guidelines. I feel like I'm mothering him. And yes, I know it's exhausting for him to think about it all the time. He said he needed a few days a week where he could come home and just chill without having to talk about anything. But I'm just not there yet. I don't have the luxury of not having to think about it every second of every day. My anxiety/trauma PTSD fixed that up real good. I said that very sentence to him last night, and it didn't seem to sink in.

    I'll take a look at that site. Thank you very much :emoji_smile:
  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    You guys need to sit down and talk about it.
    A big talk and outline it all out.
    If he can't make it through the BIG talk and outline what is needed and participation is Required and then so is aftercare and following through, then You don't have to follow through on what he's requesting of you either.
    It goes both ways.
    Honesty is Key.
    This is a two way street.
    It is.
    And if it's not circulating, then either of you have a right to leave.
    LizzyBlanca and Deleted Account like this.
  5. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    We have had several "big talks" already. Where I've tried to give him information and outlines and support. I guess he just... sees it as me trying to control him? And maybe I haven't made it clear that it's a requirement for me that he do something other than just think about it. But idk, shouldn't it be self-explanatory from seeing me in so much pain? I cry nearly every night now. I can't stand looking at my engagement ring, it reminds me of the promise he broke. Will that be a trigger forever for me? Will I even be able to marry him now that that day has been ruined in my memory? I put it back on and now I regret it. But I have to wear it this weekend, or my family will know something is wrong. @Kenzi , I know you'd understand that from reading about your family's expectations of you.

    Sunday when I get back, I will have a plan in mind to sit him down and tell him what I expect and need from him. That much, I can do. I don't know if he'll have anything prepared to give me in return for his own needs. Probably not. I just worry about a relapse while I'm gone... what if he doesn't tell me?
    Deleted Account and Kenzi like this.
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    That's a tough one.
    I honestly can't say-
    I gave up trying please my family... Or my spouse.
    I almost left.
    At night... I told him I would return in the morning for the kids and F him, I wasn't doing it any more.
    He threw himself on the ground and decided to cowboy up.
    He changed Then.
    No joke.
    Most men, most PAs don't get this serious, this quickly...
    They putz about... Make excuses... Lie...
    Oh, don't get me wrong... Before this instance we had 2 relapses and lying and PIED.
    But it really takes a rock bottom moment.
    My SO has also decided we will take a honeymoon (finally) we deserve it and he even reproposed... Because old guy (addict mind) is the old asshole I was married to and I deserve a Real Fresh start.

    I do believe in encouraging the SOs that they deserve these things too-
    Don't forget yourself.
    Stop trying to please others.
    Your healing and health is important.
    You don't owe people a explanation or excuse.
    Nothing has to be the 'Matter'.
    (when it comes to extended family, unless you want to talk about it)

    If you want to make excuses...(to family) - or anyone -
    Your ring could be on the sink at home because you tried mousse this morning and forgot it in a rush. (if you actually take care of your jewelry, this is a excellent excuse)
    Or it's in the cleaning solution at home.

    He might not tell you.
    Get serious.
    Put restrictions on the internet.
    It's your home too.
    Start by taking the TV out of the bedroom and sleeping on the couch or something.
    Actually Acting.
    You have to stop talking and Do Stuff if you want change.

    And if he still doesn't want to do anything....
    You can't help someone who won't help themselves and should consider leaving.

    Even if did.
    And I would never give advice I wouldn't take myself.
  7. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    It is hard. Very hard. Because the last time this happened right before we got engaged almost a year ago now, I said it was his last chance. I said yes to his proposal because he promised the lies would stop. And now here I am, giving him yet another chance. Am I enabling this behavior by being too passive? I went for a walk on our last D-Day night (9/21/17) because I knew it was coming and I needed time to prepare myself mentally for it.... I still wasn't ready for those words to come out of his mouth.

    He knows damn well at this point that I will not trust him fully until this is fixed and I have proof of it. The only problem with leaving is that I'll have to kick him out of the apartment because it's in my name, but I'll also have to move or find a roommate as I can't afford to live on my own.

    I am trying to find a way to filter the internet, either through a Chrome extension or something. I'm not super tech savvy. We only have my laptop (which I've put blockers on), the X-box in the livingroom (he's never accessed P on it so I'm not concerned), and our phones. We don't have cable so I don't have to worry about the TV. His phone is my only concern, I haven't been able to figure out how to block incognito mode on Chrome, prevent him from deleting the history or see what apps he accesses without having to look at his phone itself. So if you have any info on how to do that I'd really appreciate it.
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Lmao... Oh, all you have to do is ask.

    I phone or android?
    I know android... If you want iPhone, we will need some help
  9. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Android lol. No crApple here.
    u376 and Kenzi like this.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  11. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

  12. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Quick update from after my trip:

    He had to wipe his old laptop to give it to a friend at work for a trade that he did for a new phone (had a few triggers about that, btw, thinking that he had something on the old phone he wanted to hide), and he found P on it that he'd saved way back before we were together. He immediately texted me that he'd found it and deleted it, which I am so, so grateful for. However, he did say it triggered him and he was having trouble controlling it, but he managed to stop himself from looking at more P. The next morning he said he'd M'd thinking about me and how much he missed me. He had a family wedding to attend that day (he was a groomsman), and I really wish I could've been there, not because I wanted to watch him but so I could feel closer to him and his family.

    Fast-forward to yesterday morning, just before I was to be on my way home. He texted me again and said he'd M'd, thinking about me again, and that he couldn't wait to have me home so we could be intimate. Now, of course, me being the idealistic and hopeless romantic that I am, I assumed (made an ass of myself) that he wanted to make love to me, the way I like. But I was very, very wrong. He just wanted sex. He was pent up from the weekend and M just wasn't enough. So he settled for me as a P-sub, probably because the P still had him having urges. I did not reach O, and he knew that.

    Is it wrong that I feel sick that he might be using ME as a P-sub? I felt no emotional connection during the sex that happened yesterday, and that's what I want from him above anything else. To connect with me. Essentially I wanted to try karezza again because we enjoyed it so much the first time (he said he did, at least). But he was still focused on the O. How the hell can I get him to focus on me? I really hope I'm not being selfish. I keep second guessing everything I'm doing and I hate myself for it.
  13. Broken❤️

    Broken❤️ New Fapstronaut

    Thing is, if you choose to marry him , you are also marrying his addiction, because it’s for life.
  14. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    Exactly. Are you prepared for this battle for your entire marriage? You are at a crossroads right now and have the information to make a decision that many of us didn't. Most of us didn't find out until well into our marriages. That doesn't mean you shouldn't marry him, it just means you need to make damn sure you know what you are in for and if you think he will be committed for the long haul. Think about what it would be like if you get pregnant, after you have a baby, if you have multiple kids, busy lives, careers, etc. Do you think he is ready and willing or is it just lip service to get him to his next fix? And how much of your life are you willing to spend waiting to find out?

    Just some food for thought.
    Hopefulgirl and Kenzi like this.
  15. Tread carefully. I wouldn't make those wedding plans unless your willing to accept him as his now. Today PMO and all. If that is not what you want long term then wait to see if he can/wants to overcome this.

    You deserve to be his focus and you are not being selfish!
  16. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Thanks guys :emoji_heartpulse:

    That's exactly what I plan on figuring out. I can not and will not marry him until I'm sure that I can trust what he says and that he values me enough to truly take care of our relationship. I will not listen to vows that are a lie. I've told him before, what about five, ten years down the road? I don't want to wake up one day and find that he just doesn't love me anymore. If he is the one for me, I need him present and out of the brain fog. I realize that he combats worse depression than I ever have, and I want to get him help for it. Money is an issue, and probably always will be, so that only adds to all of it because we can't afford therapy if my insurance won't cover it.

    I started making wedding plans shortly after our engagement and they were quickly cut off after one of the D-days we had. I go back and forth with wearing my ring, sometimes it triggers me. But you are absolutely right, I do deserve to be his focus. That's what I've wanted this whole time. I'm waiting as patiently as I can, it's really hard though.
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    You shouldn't be waiting unless you are seeing results.
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  18. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    What can I do to start seeing results? Or do I just shut him out from everything and see what he does? I feel so stuck. Last night was bad, but it's a long story and my mind is too overwhelmed to explain it at the moment. :emoji_disappointed_relieved:
  19. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Quick update - Things are okay. It's not perfect, and I doubt it ever will be perfect again. But I've decided I'm going to start doing things for myself. Treating myself. I will let him come to me if he has anything to share regarding recovery. I will not chase him for answers. He knows what he needs to do, now is the time to see if he'll actually do it. But I won't be cold or distant, either. I will simply internalize my questions and hope there's something he comes up with to say.

    Our fight the other night was a very large, very overblown miscommunication. We each wanted different things from that night, I wanted to make love and talk about us, and he just wanted to relax. I got frustrated when he didn't seem to want to be intimate. He seems to think I always want our lovemaking to be spontaneous. I don't. I just want passion even if it's not spontaneous.

    I've just learned that I can't live my life in fear. It's in his hands now, and if he wants to lie to me again, he knows the consequence. It is out of my control, so I refuse to worry about it.
    Kenzi likes this.
  20. There is a DVD you can download by Dr. Doug Weiss. It is called "Helping Her Heal" and I think that it would be really beneficial for your SO to see....
    LizzyBlanca, Kenzi and WantsToBelieve like this.

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