Journaling less these days. I feel like I don't have much to say anymore. We have settled into a routine. My SO is honest with me. The accountability software hasn't picked up anything negative in MONTHS. He doesn't oggle which is a goddamn blessing. I do still get anxious and nervous and scared for the future, bit SO has been so freaking supportive it's easier to work through those negative thoughts and feelings. He always asks what he can do to help, how he can make me feel better. He is respectful when I decline to get physical. If he notices I'm anxious particularly before bed, he will take a melatonin just to make me feel better (not that I would ever ask him to do that). If you read the first post I made here, you would understand why that's significant to me and why it would make me feel at ease. He is over 100 days (!!) psub free! Over 130 days pm free. And we are building up our communication. I feel so listened to and heard for the first time. I feel so loved and seen. Does that mean we're perfect? Absolutely not. We still have disagreements and arguments and I'm still anxious and hot headed at times. But the bottom line is he's not using porn. He's not compromising my safety and my feelings. He's listening to me and respecting me. He is being my PARTNER in life, doing things equally with me. And that is what I wanted all along. So for now, I'm taking a step back. I'm looking at me and us. And I'm doing what feels best. And in 9 and a half months, I'm getting married. To someone who I thought I was dating all along. But at least I have him now. At least I have honesty in my relationship. And I feel safe and loved. Thank you to everyone who has given advice along the way. And thank you to everyone who helped my SO as an AP.