My journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by odie, Jun 21, 2019.

  1. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    Journaling less these days. I feel like I don't have much to say anymore. We have settled into a routine. My SO is honest with me. The accountability software hasn't picked up anything negative in MONTHS. He doesn't oggle which is a goddamn blessing.

    I do still get anxious and nervous and scared for the future, bit SO has been so freaking supportive it's easier to work through those negative thoughts and feelings. He always asks what he can do to help, how he can make me feel better. He is respectful when I decline to get physical. If he notices I'm anxious particularly before bed, he will take a melatonin just to make me feel better (not that I would ever ask him to do that). If you read the first post I made here, you would understand why that's significant to me and why it would make me feel at ease.

    He is over 100 days (!!) psub free! Over 130 days pm free. And we are building up our communication. I feel so listened to and heard for the first time. I feel so loved and seen.

    Does that mean we're perfect? Absolutely not. We still have disagreements and arguments and I'm still anxious and hot headed at times. But the bottom line is he's not using porn. He's not compromising my safety and my feelings. He's listening to me and respecting me. He is being my PARTNER in life, doing things equally with me. And that is what I wanted all along. So for now, I'm taking a step back. I'm looking at me and us. And I'm doing what feels best.

    And in 9 and a half months, I'm getting married. To someone who I thought I was dating all along. But at least I have him now. At least I have honesty in my relationship. And I feel safe and loved. Thank you to everyone who has given advice along the way. And thank you to everyone who helped my SO as an AP.
     
  2. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    I'm back. I'm lost. I don't know what to do.

    SO looked at porn last night while working a night shift.

    Today I told him we are not in a relationship anymore.

    I am still living here for now. I'm having an anxiety attack. I don't know what to do.

    He says that he will get professional help, delete instagram (the source of his relapse). But I don't know if I can ever forgive him.

    He's a liar. He lied about it to my face today (I know what the fuck happened, we have software).

    I don't know if this is fixable. And now I have a wedding dress and a wedding venue and five bridesmaids and idk how to talk to my family if we really can't fix it. So I'm panicking.
     
  3. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Well, since no replies, I'll give my two cents worth.

    Since he seemed to be doing well (posts above last), had the same wedding pressure as you, hadn't asked to take the controls off and was remorseful afterwards.... The lying seems like a reasonable (to a PA) response to a desperate situation he might have been ashamed of and afraid of the consequences.

    It's shitty, but it's human.

    If it's a deal breaker for you, fine. Your decision if you are honest with yourself will be the right decision. If one relatively small failure after a good run of success means you are done, you wouldn't be doing yourself or your future husband any favors by going ahead with the marriage. If you can trust his overall intentions are good but he might fail from time to time, then this sounds like one of those fails along the way and not a reason to cancel the marriage.

    I would try to dive deeper into the lie though, that's easily the aspect of this that could make a small failure a big problem.
     

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