My journey

[Deleted Account]

Hey all, I'm new here. Over the last 17 days I have gone through hell.
Some backstory: I've been with him for 6 years. He lost his virginity to me. Immediately after he told me that a girl he was friends with at the time was the girl he cheated on his previous gf with. I made it clear - if she was in his life I wouldn't be. He accepted that and we moved forward.
My SO has always had an issue with PMO, though he never admitted it. Over the last 6 years that we've been together it's caused a lot of problems, similar to many stories I've read on here. ED, lying, diminished self esteem, you name it.
The last straw for me was 17 days ago. I woke up in the middle of the night to him watching porn and masturbating beside me while I slept. There was a blow up. I almost left him and cancelled our engagement. I couldn't do it anymore.
Took a step back, got advice from a friend and realized he would never react to my anger and sadness. I laid the facts out: this is not normal use, this is compulsive behavior, and you are hurting me, lying, and sneaking around. I don't want a marriage like that. So he decided to start NoFap. Things seemed to be improving. We talk every day, he lets me check up and has no problem with me snooping. He installed a website blocker.
Last night I found out that he deleted a recent conversation with the friend from the beginning of the story. He denied it, got angry and we both blew up. Again. Later he calmed down enough to admit that he apologized to her for being a bad friend and this conversation only happened (and was deleted) so he could move forward with me. Clean slate. No lingering guilt or anything to do with PMO, that triggering friendship, or anything that would disrespect my boundaries.
I just can't shake the deleted conversation and my gut isn't sure if I can trust the "clean slate" explanation. I've been lied to so much and made out to be a villain, when I knew I was right (every time there was a discovery of his PMO habits getting bad). How do you move on? How do you trust again? I am trying so hard, but I just don't know.

 

[Missmadness]

I wish i could tell you, but its something i struggle with deeply. Even more so when our "gut" feelings are so often right. It's hard because they lie so easily, some times for so long, then expect full trust instantly and go through a cycle of lying. I cant trust my husband I know I can't i ask him outright even when i know full well hes still pmo and he denies it. I cannot change his behaviour but I can change how it effects me, iv stopped longing for how our relationship was, as that was a facade, built upon lies. Iv made it clear to my husband that the more he lies the less I care and one day I'll stop caring completley then it's over, when I'm angry, sad and hurt theres love, when im indifferent that love, it's gone and will be too late for him too be honest and open and too late for him to try, yes it will hurt me devastate Me and Rip my family apart, but the PA, PMO, PIED is doing that and far more damage. It's so frustrating, giving the benefit of the doubt trying to support them through this and yet in return get very little and lies. I hope he isnt lying and it was just a final goodbye and a slate clean for you both, you will know soon enough, he seems to atleast want to try and deal with this issue so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this time and work on yourself. hope your okay

 

[Deleted Account]

I wish i could tell you, but its something i struggle with deeply. Even more so when our "gut" feelings are so often right. It's hard because they lie so easily, some times for so long, then expect full trust instantly and go through a cycle of lying. I cant trust my husband I know I can't i ask him outright even when i know full well hes still pmo and he denies it. I cannot change his behaviour but I can change how it effects me, iv stopped longing for how our relationship was, as that was a facade, built upon lies. Iv made it clear to my husband that the more he lies the less I care and one day I'll stop caring completley then it's over, when I'm angry, sad and hurt theres love, when im indifferent that love, it's gone and will be too late for him too be honest and open and too late for him to try, yes it will hurt me devastate Me and Rip my family apart, but the PA, PMO, PIED is doing that and far more damage. It's so frustrating, giving the benefit of the doubt trying to support them through this and yet in return get very little and lies. I hope he isnt lying and it was just a final goodbye and a slate clean for you both, you will know soon enough, he seems to atleast want to try and deal with this issue so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this time and work on yourself. hope your okay

Thank you for your kind words. I'm working out how to be okay, whether I can do any of this anymore or it's just too much. Time will tell I guess.

 

[Lostneverland]

Awh yes...time will tell. I’ve been where you are. I gave the benefit of the doubt, trusted and believed until one day I thought...why am I trusting a liar? So I started to really question everything. Then he lied about lying and then lied about that lying. I couldn’t believe it. Ya it’s a mess...and all the while you’re trying to be supportive and deal with your own pain of betrayal. It hurts beyond belief sometimes. I wonder if the PA truly knows how deeply hurt and traumatized their partners are.
I think it’s time you start putting yourself first, for sure trust your gut, you have every right to ask questions, you are not the one who betrayed. He has to prove to you that he is worthwhile and trustworthy. Until then keep firm boundaries and TRUST YOUR GUT.
Good luck to you...stay strong...and keep expressing your frustration. Better out than in.

 

[Deleted Account]

Awh yes...time will tell. I’ve been where you are. I gave the benefit of the doubt, trusted and believed until one day I thought...why am I trusting a liar? So I started to really question everything. Then he lied about lying and then lied about that lying. I couldn’t believe it. Ya it’s a mess...and all the while you’re trying to be supportive and deal with your own pain of betrayal. It hurts beyond belief sometimes. I wonder if the PA truly knows how deeply hurt and traumatized their partners are.
I think it’s time you start putting yourself first, for sure trust your gut, you have every right to ask questions, you are not the one who betrayed. He has to prove to you that he is worthwhile and trustworthy. Until then keep firm boundaries and TRUST YOUR GUT.
Good luck to you...stay strong...and keep expressing your frustration. Better out than in.

It does hurt beyond belief. And I have always trusted my gut because every time I've followed it, I've been right. Thank you for your encouragement. I'm going to try to start putting myself first. Starting with going to the gym today and cuddling our dog. Hopefully the rest starts to fall into place.

 

[Tao Jones]

There is only one way to gain trust: Time. Regaining trust once it has been broken takes even longer. If there is any doubt at all, if you have any rational mistrust in this person (and your current lack of trust certainly qualifies), do not take the relationship deeper until that trust has been fully regained.

It is a hard thing to call off or postpone a wedding. It is a far, far harder thing to endure a marriage founded on lies and deceit. Many look back and say "If only I had listened to the doubts I had." When your heart is 100% filled with joy and peace at the idea of marrying someone, move forward; otherwise, do not.

I wish this was not the situation you find yourself in. I am glad you came here to share you experience and get input from other wise folks. I do not consider myself one of these, but I do know firsthand from long experience how hard a life together with an addict can be.

 

[Deleted Account]

Writing here as an upfa

There is only one way to gain trust: Time. Regaining trust once it has been broken takes even longer. If there is any doubt at all, if you have any rational mistrust in this person (and your current lack of trust certainly qualifies), do not take the relationship deeper until that trust has been fully regained.

It is a hard thing to call off or postpone a wedding. It is a far, far harder thing to endure a marriage founded on lies and deceit. Many look back and say "If only I had listened to the doubts I had." When your heart is 100% filled with joy and peace at the idea of marrying someone, move forward; otherwise, do not.

I wish this was not the situation you find yourself in. I am glad you came here to share you experience and get input from other wise folks. I do not consider myself one of these, but I do know firsthand from long experience how hard a life together with an addict can be.

Thank you so much for your kind words. It is hard to call off a wedding. I have given my whole heart and soul to this person and our relationship. I love him so deeply that it terrifies me. I will be posting an update later on today hopefully, but he seems to be on the right track with this recovery. That being said, I will definitely take your advice and listen to my gut before moving forward with the relationship.

 

[EyesWideOpen]

Trust your gut. You will find on these boards, time and time again that we knew to trust our guts, but let our hearts and emotions rule over it, only to find out that our guts were right all along. Your intuition is not wrong. They lie and they convince us we are crazy because we love them. Trust yourself.

 

[Queenie%Bee]

Always always trust your gut . Especially when regarding a PA . Have the “guts” to ask anything and everything. You have the absolute right

 

[need4realchg]

I’m so sorry to read your situation. And what a way to discover this wow. Trust is a very precious currency; and hard to manage when you have it and when it’s gone.

Sounds like you were able to distinguish your love and feelings distinctly from your hurt, this is very helpful but I’m sure it felt horrific.

How did he respond to being caught ?
who used the word “addict” first ? Was it him? Or you ?

You mentioned you have been with him for 6 years. How long has he been with “porn”? For many the relationship with porn supersedes the relationship with humans.

What do you mean by a clean slate ?

What does he think a clean slate means ?

A few things to remember when setting expectations for porn addicts.

They usually start out with:

Excellent lying or acting ability.
Difficulty showing vulnerability.
Trying to protect their SO, from themselves or their struggle instead of sharing it.
Sex is considered a need.
little to no self worth.
Little to no self esteem
Little to no self control
Little to no self confidence to keep their word.

Pmo is not about sex, it’s about escaping using sex.
Escaping fears, commitments, are high on an addict’s list.

What is he open to doing to replace pmo ?
Does he have an AP?
Joining nofap is huge. Congrats ! You are doing great. Take your time, this problem is like a ticking time bomb that needs to be disarmed and detonated. One step... easy does it!

You should write more too.

 

[Deleted Account]

I’m so sorry to read your situation. And what a way to discover this wow. Trust is a very precious currency; and hard to manage when you have it and when it’s gone.

Sounds like you were able to distinguish your love and feelings distinctly from your hurt, this is very helpful but I’m sure it felt horrific.

How did he respond to being caught ?
who used the word “addict” first ? Was it him? Or you ?

You mentioned you have been with him for 6 years. How long has he been with “porn”? For many the relationship with porn supersedes the relationship with humans.

What do you mean by a clean slate ?

What does he think a clean slate means ?

A few things to remember when setting expectations for porn addicts.

They usually start out with:

Excellent lying or acting ability.
Difficulty showing vulnerability.
Trying to protect their SO, from themselves or their struggle instead of sharing it.
Sex is considered a need.
little to no self worth.
Little to no self esteem
Little to no self control
Little to no self confidence to keep their word.

Pmo is not about sex, it’s about escaping using sex.
Escaping fears, commitments, are high on an addict’s list.

What is he open to doing to replace pmo ?
Does he have an AP?
Joining nofap is huge. Congrats ! You are doing great. Take your time, this problem is like a ticking time bomb that needs to be disarmed and detonated. One step... easy does it!

You should write more too.

In the moment he was upset when he was caught. After he realized how wrong it was. I don't quite remember who used the word addict first, but I said this is not normal use and it's compulsive. He admitted he has a problem.
He's been using PMO since probably around the age of 10, so it definitely superceded our relationship.
We talked last night a lot and the clean slate is the ties from that friendship are cut. He is 19 days into being PMO free. He has said he will ask me every day what he can do to gain a little bit of my trust.
We are working on what will replace PMO (going to the gym, walking our dog, reading, cleaning the house, among other hobbies).
He doesn't have an AP, but has said he wants me to check in, and that he will keep me updated.
I think we are taking steps in the right direction and I feel hopeful today.

 

[Queenie%Bee]

In the moment he was upset when he was caught. After he realized how wrong it was. I don't quite remember who used the word addict first, but I said this is not normal use and it's compulsive. He admitted he has a problem.
He's been using PMO since probably around the age of 10, so it definitely superceded our relationship.
We talked last night a lot and the clean slate is the ties from that friendship are cut. He is 19 days into being PMO free. He has said he will ask me every day what he can do to gain a little bit of my trust.
We are working on what will replace PMO (going to the gym, walking our dog, reading, cleaning the house, among other hobbies).
He doesn't have an AP, but has said he wants me to check in, and that he will keep me updated.
I think we are taking steps in the right direction and I feel hopeful today.

I STRONGLY urge you to NOT be his AP , maybe a co AP . I am kicking myself. My PA wouldn’t get an AP

 

[Deleted Account]

Day 19 update:
Yesterday we talked a lot. The clean slate with the problematic friendship means that ties are cut with that person.
He has a website blocker installed on his phone.
Yesterday he said he would ask me everyday what he can do to earn a little bit of my trust each day. I appreciate the effort there.
He tried to disable incognito mode on both his phone and laptop (which turns out not to be possible, but it was encouraging to see that effort).
When he asked me what he can do to regain my trust, I laid out all of the places where my insecurities lie: incognito, instagram searching, and the ability to delete history. Like I said earlier he immediately got up and addressed them (by trying to disable incognito).
I'm tempted to ask for all of his passwords but I'm not sure if this is the right move.
Either way we seem to be moving forward. He allows me to look any time I want without hesitation, is open to our conversations. I have even took advice from many of these comments and talked about it with him. Here's to being hopeful (and not letting my guard down).

 

[Deleted Account]

I STRONGLY urge you to NOT be his AP , maybe a co AP . I am kicking myself. My PA wouldn’t get an AP

Does it hurt the relationship to be an AP? I really would like him to be able to come to me with any issues/urges/confessions.

 

[Lostneverland]

The porn addiction is HIS ISSUE...it’s his to solve and be accountable for. It’s your job to look after you.
Take care of you and let him deal with his issue. If you don’t, you will end up being so deep into it and confused you won’t know right from wrong.
Set your boundaries, your bottom line, present it and be done. He will figure everything out on his own and that’s how they grow.
Good luck coming your way

 

[Deleted Account]

The porn addiction is HIS ISSUE...it’s his to solve and be accountable for. It’s your job to look after you.
Take care of you and let him deal with his issue. If you don’t, you will end up being so deep into it and confused you won’t know right from wrong.
Set your boundaries, your bottom line, present it and be done. He will figure everything out on his own and that’s how they grow.
Good luck coming your way

Thank you. I will definitely be taking this advice.

 

[Tao Jones]

Does it hurt the relationship to be an AP? I really would like him to be able to come to me with any issues/urges/confessions.

Encourage him to reach out to a male AP. Encourage him to set up accountability software. It monitors everything, including incognito modes, and supersedes any sort of attempt to delete history.

If he is willing to do this, I would be privileged to serve as his AP. Just have him reach out to me on this site. I currently have many men who receive my reports and I receive theirs.

Much better to have the AP be someone other than you. You can be a support, but you should not be his mother or babysitter.

 

[Deleted Account]

Encourage him to reach out to a male AP. Encourage him to set up accountability software. It monitors everything, including incognito modes, and supersedes any sort of attempt to delete history.

If he is willing to do this, I would be privileged to serve as his AP. Just have him reach out to me on this site. I currently have many men who receive my reports and I receive theirs.

Much better to have the AP be someone other than you. You can be a support, but you should not be his mother or babysitter.

We have looked at accountability software. Haven't found any that's free though. I'll mention to him about your offer. Thank you so much.

 

[Tao Jones]

We have looked at accountability software. Haven't found any that's free though. I'll mention to him about your offer. Thank you so much.

Accountable2You is $7/month. How much is freedom worth? If the desire is there but cost is truly an issue, scholarships are available. You can contact me directly for more information.

 

[need4realchg]

Does it hurt the relationship to be an AP? I really would like him to be able to come to me with any issues/urges/confessions.

To be quite direct... the problem with being your fiancée AP is that you are what I call “carroteering”.

It’s subtle manipulation, putting a carrot for him to achieve but forgetting he is incentivized to show you progress even if there is none. That’s why he deleted conversations he knows you wont understand.

This is what an ap is for. Because he will be able to share with them—- without feeling the need to impress them.

Porn causes shame and shame makes us need to hide. This is the challenge—- He cannot impress you and be truthful at the same time.

As an AP you have a conflict of interest.