My journey

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need4realchg said:
To be quite direct... the problem with being your fiancée AP is that you are what I call “carroteering”.

It’s subtle manipulation, putting a carrot for him to achieve but forgetting he is incentivized to show you progress even if there is none. That’s why he deleted conversations he knows you wont understand.

This is what an ap is for. Because he will be able to share with them—- without feeling the need to impress them.

Porn causes shame and shame makes us need to hide. This is the challenge—- He cannot impress you and be truthful at the same time.

As an AP you have a conflict of interest.
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Thanks for clarifying. We talked yesterday and he is looking for his own AP.
 
Day 20 update:
How did we get to day 20 already? The trauma of our D-day is still fresh in my mind. I often find myself thinking about it during my day and feeling anxious as hell.
This weekend we did make some positive steps forward, as I mentioned in earlier posts. SO tried to disable chrome, and addressed all of my insecurities. Offered to let me have his passwords to certain apps to make me feel more secure. We didn't go through with this.
He is looking for his own AP.
His mom is getting married in 2 weeks, and we have to spend the time leading up to that getting ready and helping out. My birthday is also coming up (sick joke but his mom decided to get married on my birthday). I don't feel like celebrating.
I am tired.
 
odie said:
Day 20 update:
How did we get to day 20 already? The trauma of our D-day is still fresh in my mind. I often find myself thinking about it during my day and feeling anxious as hell.
This weekend we did make some positive steps forward, as I mentioned in earlier posts. SO tried to disable chrome, and addressed all of my insecurities. Offered to let me have his passwords to certain apps to make me feel more secure. We didn't go through with this.
He is looking for his own AP.
His mom is getting married in 2 weeks, and we have to spend the time leading up to that getting ready and helping out. My birthday is also coming up (sick joke but his mom decided to get married on my birthday). I don't feel like celebrating.
I am tired.
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Absolutely make him make the time . People will spend time on what’s important to them . Don’t wait for this or for that .
 
Qnb42078 said:
Absolutely make him make the time . People will spend time on what’s important to them . Don’t wait for this or for that .
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I'm just kind of done pushing anything at this point. I'll watch and see what his next moves are. His actions will prove to me if he is dedicated or not. If he's not, I'll leave.
 
Day 21
Today I started out the day sad. I was obsessing over SO. His thoughts, what he was doing, if he was behaving. I get anxious all of the time thinking about these things.
Instead of letting it consume me, I made today about me. I was super busy at work (I plan and run summer day camps for kids, and it starts in one week). I allowed myself to get excited about work and forget the rest. It felt great.
I came home, went to the gym. Had an awesome workout alone. This isn't always easy. It can be intimidating to go and lift weights alone as a woman in a gym surrounded by men. I did it. I felt great. Came back home, walked the dog and fed him. Meal prepped my dinners for the rest of the week. Ate. Now am going to shower and relax with the dog. Focusing on myself feels good. I don't feel angry or anxious right now.
SO is on his own today. Today is about me time.
 
Day 22
Today sucks. I want to go home and I want work to be done. I want to be alone. I want a full night sleep.
 
Last night SO and I had a long talk after he got home from work.
He opened up about PMO things I did (and had forgotten about) know had happened, and also things I didn't know about. P viewing at work (no M - so he says). P viewing while I slept (probably around 10 times). I got so fucking angry. My blood was boiling.
I can appreciate that he's being honest, and he brought up this conversation, not me. He is trying to have open dialogue and let me know that he's moving forward.
But I can't stop being angry. I feel violated. My relationship was disregarded. My feelings were never considered. My trust was fucking broken time and time again.
I think that he's really trying to recover now but I don't trust him. I don't know how I can. I am so angry, and I don't know if I will ever not be angry.
We talked about his search for an AP, and also accountability software. We will see if he makes any actions to move forward with either of those things.
He doesn't know, but I'm watching his every move. I am angry. No progression will mean the end of our relationship. Regression will mean the end of our relationship. I can't continue to let myself be disrespected and violated like this. Addiction or otherwise. I deserve to be happy.
 
Way ta go. You sound like a very intelligent and self confident woman. I am not any longer. I lost myself in situation that has basically destroyed me, Nd the sad part is I’m still trying to find excuses for bad behaviour.
Slow learner I guess.
My support is with you...watch actions not emotions.
 
Lostneverland said:
Way ta go. You sound like a very intelligent and self confident woman. I am not any longer. I lost myself in situation that has basically destroyed me, Nd the sad part is I’m still trying to find excuses for bad behaviour.
Slow learner I guess.
My support is with you...watch actions not emotions.
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Trust me, if I was intelligent I would have left years ago and not ignored the red flags. I completely agree with you, I find myself lost in this situation. I feel like I'm drowning, unable to breathe. I don't know how to get past everything other than to write my feelings as I have them.
My support is with you too. Know your worth. A woman that can go through anything near as hard as our situations and come out the other side is a goddamn fighter and worthy of being loved properly.
 
Fuck. I feel like I need to write a couple times today. I am so angry.
SO continues to be open and tell me where he's at. For some reason I just can't get past my anger.
I sincerely hope he's on the road to recovery.
As I am writing this he just texted me to let me know he subscribed to real men don't porn. Maybe there is hope, past my anger.
 
You are grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had and learning to accept the relationship you are realizing you actually do have. (Acceptance of the new reality, btw, does not mean you will choose to stick with it. He made promises to you and he broke them, and so you are justified in responding as you see fit.) As you grieve this very real loss, anger will be a significant part of the healing process. You will get over it in time, if you choose. (And I advise you do so; unresolved anger will become bitterness, and that will hurt only you.)

There is always hope. People can and do change. I know this first-hand.

I continue to pray for you both and hope for the best alongside you.
 
Thank you @Tao Jones this was something I needed to hear today. I think the combination of writing out my feelings, talking it through with SO, and actually seeing him make steps without me pushing is making me feel better. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to jump back to blind trust. Him making this effort today makes me feel like he actually does want recovery. I pray that he is one of the people who can and do change. Thank you for your continued support.
 
Yesterday I laid it all out. My boundaries and consequences. Cut and clear. SO was upset at himself and said he felt like a child with a list of punishments. But he understood that this is for my security and wellbeing. I feel much better. We have accountability software in place. He's been gone at work for the last two days (this happens often for his job). This is the first time I haven't worried. He has been putting in the work. If the accountability software has a screen grab of something potentially bad, he can now talk it through with me. I'm feeling a bit better about my conviction to stick to the boundaries and consequences now that he knows them. And he is working hard to build our relationship up.
I am hopeful.
Something I haven't felt since D-day.
 
Yesterday was really positive.. for the most part. We were able to talk about boundaries and consequences. SO was home from work for the first time in 2 days. We went shopping with my best friend. He bought me a dress for his mom's wedding. Then we went to find a tie for him. On our way out of the mall we passed a jewelry store and he decided to buy me a new necklace for no apparent reason. He's been spoiling me more lately.
I did have 2 issues yesterday, related to drinking. We had a busy evening seeing friends, and we were both drinking. He grabbed my ass at one point while I was standing next to him. SO seemed to immediately catch his wrong behavior in that moment and corrected. On our way home I was going to bring it up in the car, but I didn't have to say anything. He knew and apologized again.
Later we were with neighbours and as we got home, he slapped my ass. Hard. He didn't even realize he did it. I was so angry. I'm not a fucking object and you can't touch me whenever you feel like it.
We will be talking through this today and I feel I may have to add physical touch items to my boundary list.
Fuck.
 
Day 27.
This weekend has been a whirlwind. Between seeing friends, having barbeques, grocery shopping, among other things it just flew right by.
SO has been so on track with his actions. We have accountability software in place for phone and laptop use. He answers any question I have, no matter how badly he doesn't want to. He talks to me, and about a week ago he disclosed something to me without me prompting (it was something from the past). I am happy with his progress.
Me? I am still working through my emotions. I find myself very thankful that SO is working so hard towards recovery. I also still get waves of anger that come in varying intensities as I remember things he's done. I will tell him when this anger hits. Every time he says something along the lines of: I told you about it because I'm being honest and working hard. You have every right to be angry. Just know I want this for me and for us. He isn't pushing me to move past it until I'm ready, which is reassuring.
So today? We had a good day. Went to the beach and relaxed. He's working a night shift tonight so I have time to be alone and reflect (in the company of the dog). Forward progress.
 
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