My journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by odie, Jun 21, 2019.

  1. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    It's been a while since I journaled. I feel like my SO has made a lot of progress here on NoFap. He is on day 73 of recovery, and over a month with no psubs as well. It was one hell of a learning curve for everything, but I feel like the boundaries we have in place are working. Now that we both understand psubs and my boundaries he is very cognisant of his actions and the consequences. I am happy for that.
    I've had a sad two weeks following the death of our hedgehog. SO packed up her cage yesterday while I was at work and coming home to see how empty it made that room reduced me to tears in seconds. He and the dog were both there to sit with me while I cried of course. It was just tough.
    Work is stressful. Next week is the last week of camps, and I got my first park project almost completed. Very proud of my first year of work into my career (my anniversary just passed this week)!
    I think I will journal less now - maybe once a week.
    Often coming on to this forum can be triggering to past situations with my SO and reading stories raises my anxiety for no reasons. We are in a very good place currently with our communication and recovery for both of us.
     
  2. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    Just a warning: there's some triggering content in this post.

    I am having a tough day. SO and I recently had a fight (about a week or so ago). I'll spare the triggering details, but basically I told him I was triggered by a sex position and don't want to do it for the next little while until I can process my feelings. I told him this a couple days after we had a night of intimacy.
    He didn't understand why I didn't want to do it and we ended up having a pretty big argument over it. My thinking being: you need to respect my boundaries and I don't want to. His thinking being: I want to solve this problem and help you feel better.
    We ended up being able to talk it out and we have moved past the fight, but two things he said in the heat of the moment stuck with me. He said "why do you want to limit us sexually. We only do 2 positions". He also had a list of things that I don't do enough for him and let's just say I was BROKEN to hear this. I mean like I said we moved past the argument, but those two statements have been weighing on me heavily.
    So today I was thinking about one of the things (apparently) I don't do enough. Blowjobs. I was able to process my feelings on it and explain to him why I am hesitant to do them.

    This is how I explained it to him:
    "So I think that there are two main reasons that I am hesitant about giving blowjobs.
    The first one goes back to the time in our relationship where your PIED was really bad and I could never make you ejaculate. I felt so inadequate, and pretty much the only thing that would work were BJ's. - so that feeling of being inadequate while giving them (as a last ditch effort to give you pleasure) kind of stuck around.
    The second has to do with your porn habits. This one is obviously way newer. When you told me about who your fav pornstar is, I looked her up and there was so much BJ stuff that she did that I just felt sick to my stomach. Felt like maybe you only liked them because it reminded you of her. Overall, feelings of inadequacy, fear of acting out what you watched online. Fear that you fantasized about something else while I was doing the deed. Fear that you would rather be watching her than me."

    Now I'm past this argument but I'm so self conscious and feeling inadequate again. We have come so far in the two months since we've been here (84 days I believe). But I'm back to feeling hurt today.

    I just needed this space to rant. There are many positive improvements in our relationship as well, but I'm trying to be present in those moments and process the bad ones objectively before reacting. So that's my rant for today.
     
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  3. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Tough post.

    I think yours is the third I have read today where the couple have such intimacy and honesty. I’m really impressed.

    Good for you for saying how you felt.
    reading it from you gives me a whole new perspective.

    I like that you were self aware.

    Having a red stop sign when heading to sexual initiative is a huge opportunity of frustration....of course the guys need to slow or stop but I can see having a discussion right then will be delicate.
     
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  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    You’ve been so open . So I’ll tell you why I had a block on BJ’s internally.
    Here I was for months trying to initiate some , ANY kind of sexual intimacy. Meh he’s low desire , low libido , blah blah , but then would randomly ask for a BJ . Of course he would , that serves HIM . Not me in any way shape or form . That serves the non intimate sexual act . FFS . I’m sorry he threw that in your face . That’s BS .
     
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  5. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    I completely understand where you're coming from. I guess I'm lucky in that he will/has only ever asked if it's a mutual thing going on (which doesn't change the fact that I felt triggered by it). We give and take. It was a shitty thing for him to say and we did talk it through tonight, which made me feel a lot better.
     
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  6. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. We have both been working on being honest and talking through anxieties and feelings when we have them. We are definitely not perfect though, hence the argument that brought up all this stuff in the first place.

    I brought up how I was feeling about what he said tonight. He said he was just in the heat of the argument and he didn't mean it. But I know that two out of three things on that list he gave me, he wants.

    Luckily for me, he said he wants me over those things. He wants me to recover and is willing to work with me on my BT and anxietys.

    Overall productive (yet still sad on my part) conversation.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  7. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    Okay, my last post was very negative. So let me talk about our progress and some positive things.

    Positive improvements with SO:
    1. SO and I talked through those things he said to me. I know he said them in the heat of an argument. He didn't fully mean what he said. He does want those things and he will admit that. But him saying that is coming from a place where he wants me to be completely comfortable with him again. He wants to heal me, and for me not to be afraid during our intimate moments.
    Shitty way of showing it but we talked through it.
    2. Since D-day he has been really putting the effort in. He has been more open with me than he has our entire relationship. He brings up FANOS conversations on his own - lets me know if he's having a bad day or doubts or is struggling in his recovery.
    3. He has become so much more productive around the house. Keeping busy, cleaning. Really utilizing his time.
    4. He has tuned into my needs. Focuses on my recovery. Answers any questions I have.
    5. Has accepted my boundaries and is very cognisant of them now. He had 1 psub slip up since I presented my boundaries (very, very early on in our recovery - as we were learning about boundaries and consequences), but has since learned he can click away if he sees something potentially triggering to either of us.
    6. Has gone cold turkey with no PM right from D-day.
    7. Continually tries to make me feel safe and happy.
    8. Respects when I don't want to be touched and when I need space.
    9. Has installed accountability software, has AP's and has attempted journaling.

    Positive improvements within myself:
    1. I feel safer at home, in my own bed.
    2. I feel like I can talk about my feelings and show my thoughts without worrying if I'm making him angry. He read my journal the other day and made a face like he was upset and all I said was "I'm allowed to have my feelings. You can't be upset over that." Damn it feels good to be my assertive ass self again.
    3. I'm getting back to the gym more frequently and putting my health first.
    4. I am working through my feelings, triggers and anxieties to figure out where they originate and how I can address them.
    5. I am making plans with friends and not just hiding at home.
    6. I still get angry pretty often (thinking about D-day, having questions, whatever). But I think I deal with it better now.
    7. I'm able to separate from my SO and realize that his recovery is his alone. His progress does not mark mine.
    8. I have been able to let loose and have fun more now.
    9. I still feel love towards SO. He tries so hard to make me happy. He's trying to get better. He's trying to communicate. He is trying. And that is enough for today.
     
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  8. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    SO just hit 90 days yesterday free of PM. I'm happy for this milestone, for his recovery and my own. He is around (not sure the exact number) 60 days free of psubs.
    While I'm very proud of these accomplishments, I'm gonna ramble for a bit about stuff that's been on my mind lately.
    SO decided to get off social media for the summer as a tactic to respect my boundaries and reprogram how he uses it. It was often used as a psub (instagram mainly), and we had a large argument about this two months ago.
    The summer is now done and so is his time away from social media. (Just thought I'd insert here that this was his idea. Getting off, the timeline, and his plan to get back on. The only part I played in this was setting my boundaries and consequences on psub viewing. I set no boundaries about social media.)
    He has decided that for the first month back, he will only use it in my presence. He did offer to ask permission before using it - but I declined. I told him it would make me feel like I'm parenting him. NOT what I want.
    So, I guess the reintroduction has started. It scares me. I keep thinking about all the what ifs. What if he sees something and it sparks an urge? What if in that moment he decides he doesn't care about my boundaries (exactly what happened with the last slip up on psubs). What if I don't catch it? What if he doesn't admit it to me?
    So many what ifs. So much to be anxious about.
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2019
  9. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    SO and I had a difficult conversation last night. Talking about past fights, lies that I knew were lies that he hadn't admitted to in the past (I'm talking like 3-4 years ago). It's easy to look back on the past and think "how did I not see that he was lying?!". I'm thankful that he is now able to own up to those lies and discuss them.

    It's so weird going through recovery. I find that things I've forgotten about/repressed just bubble to the surface at the strangest times. I'll think of a 20 minute fight that we had like 5 years ago and it'll be like a lightbulb going off in my head. Strange. SO is always a little thrown off by it too - he usually asks what made me think of that day or that situation, was it bugging me for the last five years and I just now bring it up? No. Not the case. I chose to be blissfully ignorant for so long. And he chose to try to appear better so he wouldn't lose me for so long.

    Now it's different. Real. Raw. And he's not used to feeling emotions like that. It makes him uncomfortable. I can see it. Owning up to who he was in the past makes him at war with himself. Makes him hate who he was. Not sure if he's good enough now.

    I know that struggle is deeper than I can imagine. But I also sympathize. I find myself hating my past self as well. How could I let myself be treated that way? How did I let myself live so blindly for 6 years? Sad. I used to think of myself as such a headstrong woman. Take shit from no one. Demand what I deserve. Fearless. I'm starting to get back to that, I hope. But I'm also realizing how much of an empath I am and how that is both one of my best and worst qualities.

    Last night after our conversation, SO was extremely sad. Not feeling good about himself. Understably so. BUT he tried to initiate sex to make himself feel better. NOT OKAY. He did catch his mistake and stop trying, but that man has some emotions to work through.

    IT'S OKAY TO FEEL. IT MAKES YOU HUMAN. WHATS NOT OKAY IS USING OTHERS TO NUMB YOUR FEELINGS.

    I have told him this and we have talked. He realizes this is the first time he caught himself in the moment, trying to make himself feel better. As soon as he realized (which was before I did), he stopped.

    Hopefully today is a better day.
     
  10. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    Rant ahead.

    I'm tired. I have done everything to be supportive through this process. I have found this website, given an objective opinion when asked, and tried as best I can to take my feelings out of the equation when I was discovering the depth of this addiction.

    I'm done. I feel like I can't express my feelings without SO taking it personally. Last night we were talking about his reintroduction to social media and I said it scared me. RIGHTFULLY SO.

    He goes on to ask if I don't think he's recovered at all. What the fuck. Then he says "do you not want me to grow?". Fucking obviously I do.

    Me being scared is my intuition telling me I trusted you to do the right thing in the past. And you didn't. You didn't respect me or my boundaries, even after dday. Just makes me feel like I can't express my feelings. Maybe I won't anymore.

    Another thing, is SO has just been speaking out of his ass lately. Not even thinking before he opens his mouth and he's been making me so mad.

    I recently got a tattoo. A few days after we were talking and he says "yeah we're gonna get your nipples pierced". (Little back story - this is something I seriously considered for about a year when I turned 18. Never went through with it for many reasons.) What the fuck. He didn't even realize he said it. Then again last night he said "I want you to get off social media next summer". As if he has any right to tell me what I should be doing. Again, he didn't even realize he said it. Went so far as to argue and say "I don't believe I really said that".

    I mean we're pretty good at communicating I think, but this week has been a huge setback for me. I don't want to talk about my feelings because they've been used against me. I'm shutting down.

    He needs to wake the fuck up and realize how everything he is saying and doing is affecting me.
     
  11. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    Wow. SO had made a promise that for the first month of social media reintroduction, he would only go on when he was with me. His idea, his promise.

    He broke that promise today. I'm angry.

    I'm also just at a point where I don't care anymore. I'm pulling back for my own safety. His actions this week do not show love. They are the actions of an addict and I can't deal with that.

    I'm so close to being done and he's so wrapped up in himself that he can't even see it.
     
  12. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    Well, we talked a lot of things through. I am still feeling weird about our relationship right now. But that is related to how SO has been acting and not his recovery. He is almost at 100 days pm free. That makes me happy.

    I still have anxiety, and lots of doubtful moments. But overall, our communication has really improved. SO is really committing to this recovery, which I can see.

    I'm a little foggy today and tired. I thought maybe journaling would help, but I can't seem to organize my thoughts too well.

    I'll talk about two things I guess: triggers

    SO has really been working on what his triggers are. Turns out being sad is one of them. I never want to be used to cheer him up. And I don't want him to offer himeslf to me in such a way either. We have talked about this and added it to the boundary list. Very strict. Also, I don't want to be treated like a "night time routine". I don't want him to try to initiate right before bed (now that I've figured out that was a PMO habit of his). I will not be a human pacifier. Absolutely not.

    The second is quality time. I've been working so hard to carve out quality time with him. It proves to be difficult because of his job - working anywhere from 12-48 hours at a time. I get really annoyed when the same courtesy isn't given to me. Just because we live together doesn't mean that's quality time.

    We had planned a camping weekend, which SO cancelled because his friend was THINKING of having a housewarming party. (which is no longer happening). He promised a staycation instead. Now he tells me he's helping his friend move on Saturday. So much for the second choice staycation. So much for any promise made to me. I feel like his friends are always put first, not me.

    Not sure when the hell he is going to wake up, but I'm done being treated like a second choice. If he wants to cancel something he promised me over a month ago, I won't give him any time this weekend. I'll make other plans.
     
  13. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    I know in the past it was easier to to run and hide than spend time with my wife.

    People pleasing was easy for me to get caught up in and I used it heavily to escape.

    Keep working on you and hopefully he will start to understand more things that he is not having an understanding of about himself
     
    IbrahimViking and odie like this.
  14. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your encouragement. I've had a difficult week, but I'm hoping for a better one this week.
     
  15. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    Keep working on you and caring for you
     
    odie likes this.
  16. mrtumnus

    mrtumnus Fapstronaut

    I recently overcame a similar 'block' in my recovery process. Granted I'm only at ~60 days here. But, I got in a mode of working on myself without really empathizing much with my SO and basically leaving her to her own recovery process. It took multiple talks and tears for me to finally realize that I was being insensitive to her. My point is, recovery can be going well in regard to PA/SA, but we could still have a lot of issues to resolve with our partners. Which is really why we're in recovery in the first place. Another case of not being able to see the forest for the trees.

    We guys can often be really dumb and slow when it comes to relationships. It's a wonder anyone puts up with us. I only hope your SO sees what he's doing sooner rather than later.
     
    odie likes this.
  17. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    I don't know where to start. I had an extremely negative past couple weeks, recovery wise.

    A lot of it stemmed from triggers, negative feelings and my SO not being supportive. Every time I would come and tell him how I was feeling, he would get defensive and not listen. Classic addict behaviour. Made me feel not valid and like I wasn't allowed to have feelings. I really hated him in some moments.

    I want to talk specifically about last weekend. More than a month ago we discussed going camping that weekend because he has a very hectic schedule and it was his first full weekend off in almost two months. (shift work problems).

    About two weeks prior he texted me and decided not to go camping (very unilateral decision). And in the same text, let me know his friend was having a housewarming party that Saturday. Cue me being mad because he was putting his wants first and spending time with his friends instead of me. I was promised a staycation and a weekend for us. And he didn't plan anything. We ended up doing what he wanted. Cue HUGE fight once we get home Saturday night.

    I honestly don't know where we are going from here. He seems to pretend to understand his selfishness now, but it could be an act for all I know.

    I'm just worrying about myself from here on out. If he wants to make an effort, great. But I will not be the one conceding all of the time. I'm done. I don't want a life of unhappiness just so my SO can always get what he wants.

    So I'm watching his every move. How he treats me, what he is prioritizing. His words better match his actions or I won't do this anymore.
     
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  18. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    SO's actions in the last 24 hours:
    -asked me how I was feeling. He knew something was wrong.
    -got butthurt when I told him how I was feeling. As usual.
    -went to work.
    -was affectionate this morning.
    -went on instagram after I left for work. Breaking his word for the fifth time on this social media reintroduction.

    And he gets mad when I say I don't trust him. He is supposed to be the one working to gain my trust back. It's not a difficult thing to stick to you word on resolutions/decisions you have made. Yet he continues not to do so.

    Other actions:
    -doesn't journal regularly, like he promised to try.
    -keeps breaking his word on only using his social media around me for the first month of his reintroduction after his last psub slip up.
    -gets upset when I say that I do not trust him.
    -who knows if he actually responds to his AP anymore. I'm certain it's not a daily thing, like he promised to me.

    Today I'm thinking about broken promises and broken trust. I'm out of the country for a conference next week so we'll see how that goes. I am not hopeful or happy currently.

    Surprisingly not angry either. I think I'm just that close to giving up. His actions aren't telling me he deserves my trust.
     
  19. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    Peace. All I want is peace. Within myself and within my relationship.

    I have been consciously trying to decrease my anxiety and recognize triggers. I have been feeling more mellow as a result. A tiny slice of peace.

    I think that a lot of times I get caught up in a trigger or an action and fail to see the bigger picture. BT is a bitch like that.

    Big picture things to think about when I'm anxious:
    1) we have accountability software in place.
    2) SO is over 100 days PM free.
    3) SO understands I have BT, and asks me to talk to him when I'm anxious so that he can help me (pretty new development - but a very big step).
    4) SO is over 70 days psub free.
    5) I am strong. I can survive this experience with or without my SO if things take a turn.
    6) I am resilient, strong, and able to enforce boundaries now.
    7) SO respects my boundaries now that he understands them. Even asks me to make consequences harder if he feels like there's a chance he will break them.
    8) I have been able to tell two people about our situation IRL and I have supports when I need them.
    9) SO WANTS to work on this. Wants to fix our relationship. He does get down on himself often, wondering why he couldn't just be honest with me in the past (the source of a lot of our issues stems from his dishonesty). But I feel like he is motivated.
    10) he is trying. He's not hiding anymore. And I know that's not easy for him.

    Things that we still need to work on:
    1) he needs to get over himself and stop being defensive every time I'm upset. I need to be listened to and not told "you're wrong" when I state my feelings.
    *Note that SO has been working on this, but it's a typical addict responce that's hard to break the habit of using. *
    2) I need to stop holding a grudge. I need to learn how to let go. I don't know that I'll forgive him for all the things he's done over the last six years but I need to figure out how to accept them and move on.
    3) he needs to learn how to act as a partner. Make decisions together. Unilateral decision making will have no place in my marriage. I will be a team with my husband.
    4) we both need to stop talking out of anger.

    So that's where I'm at today. Mellow. Looking at the bigger picture. Trying to accept the past, but recognizing that I am not healed yet.
     
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  20. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    It's been a while since I last journaled. I went away for a work trip for 4 days last week. It made me so worried about SO in the days leading up to my trip. I've heard enough stories about relapses when a PA's partner leaves town for a while.

    I left a list of things that had to be done (house chores, and things to keep my sanity while gone). And he did all of it. Journaled every day, walked the dog, the apartment was spotless. There was not one time he came near a boundary. It was the most wonderful trip. It was one of the first times in months where I wasn't worried about him constantly. I was able to focus on myself and not be anxious. I have felt so much better in the last two weeks than I have in months. I finally feel like I'm healing myself.
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2019

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