My life is ruined.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by saneagain, Jun 22, 2017.

  1. saneagain

    saneagain Fapstronaut

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    I am not sure I can bear this anymore.

    I am 7 months pornfree. MOd twice around day 100 and 110 to alleviate the symptoms. Didn't help.

    My struggle: Depersonalization, anxiety, depression, dizziness/lightheaded, fatigue and weak muscles, tight jaw and neck, pain in my mouth in gums, teeth hurt, I feel constantly heated like I burn from the inside (body temperature is normal), my digestion is like crap, disgusting taste in my mouth, no concentration, I can not think anymore and feel like my IQ is below 50, runny nose and sneezing, insomnia (waking up at night), shaking, nausea, frequent urination, blurry vision, eye floaters, joint pain. I HAVE EVERY WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOM I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THE FORUMS.

    I am 27 and an economics student. I moved in with my parents to save some money until I finish my degree. I was about to start my masters thesis in october 2016. 7 months ago all the above listed crap came over me.

    All doctors checked me and say I'm fine. My life is going down the drain. My parents don't understand what is happening with me becuase no doctors found anything. I can not move out because I can not function alone. I can not even drive a car because of the extreme dizziness. I can't tell my parents why this is happening. I can not study at all because I have no concentration. I don't enjoy the company of people because of my pain. I am stuck here with my parents who try to cheer me up and make me beeing active but I feel constantly like crap. I can't tell my friends why this is happening. I experience intense physical pain in my mouth and teeth every day (nothing wrong with my teeth).

    I am doing everything to get better from working out to cold showers, perfect diet, meeting with people, taking supplements, running, beeing in the sun. EVERYTHING.

    But within 7 months I went from feeling 1 on a scale of 1-10 to 2. I don't know what to do. Nobody understands why I am not getting better/getting better so slowly. People start telling me it is all in my head. I talked to a therapist, but I don't need it. It is useless in my everyday life. I can abstain from porn forever. I feel just sick. I want to study, do sports, meet people - simply live life. But I can't because of the misery I brought over myself. I received a lot of help from this forum, but this does not change the circumstances.

    People on forums told me to research supplements or visit other doctors, to read about adrenal fatigue and all this crap. This will take years. There are no doctors who know about this. The health insurance is very good but it covers normal MDs. There is tons of information and I tried many supplements but nothing helps. Every fuckin' doctor checked me.

    I have met people on the forums who feel shit after a year or more. What if this takes YEARS to heal? I am a prisoner in my own hurting body. Utterly useless piece of flesh. I bet no fuckin' antidepressant pill can fix my pain. I know I posted a few weeks ago, but I need advice what to do with my life. All I can do is play stupid video games or watch TV - and I don't want this empty pleasure. Or play some guitar, which I don't enjoy anymore. In 5 years all my friends will be having children, friends and I will be still recovering from depersonalization to feel like the person I have been for 27 years. Then another 5 years I will slowly recover from the pain in my teeth and gums until I don't feel like burning from inside. And then 10 years to recover from PIED to be able to make a child. I am dead weight to my parents. I want finish my degree and make them happy. My life fuckin' sucks.

    How can I live on?
     
    Xience likes this.
  2. Toven

    Toven Fapstronaut

    This is not the best advice, but it's the truth, watching p will not improve things.
     
  3. saneagain

    saneagain Fapstronaut

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    I will never watch it in my life for sure.

    Oh and I forgot some symptoms: muscle twitching, clogged ears, ears ring, dry itchy skin.... I will probably die like this. I don't want to kill myself although i think about it sometimes. But i don't know what to live for also.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2017
  4. Toven

    Toven Fapstronaut

    I feel for you, I truly do. In times gone I might have had some words of wisdom, but I'm nothing much to speak of at the moment. Typically that would stop me from replying at all, but I understand somewhat how you feel, and if nothing else, I feel like you should know that someone, somewhere is reading your words, and cares. I feel for you, man. Sorry I don't have more to give.
     
    saneagain and (deleted member) like this.
  5. Xience

    Xience Guest

    Lol I was talking to myself like that recently.

    It could be way worse.

    Get clean and change or it will be worse.
     
    Flyhigh likes this.
  6. Xience

    Xience Guest

    So you've been clean for months. Keep it up.

    Sounds like you have some 'soul searching' to do. Help others in some way and find a purpose. Maybe you are too focused on yourself?
     
    Flyhigh likes this.
  7. I will win

    I will win Fapstronaut

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    "The difference between the master and the student, is that the master have failed more than the student has ever tried."
     
    KingdomLife, Asdas, Fork2323 and 2 others like this.
  8. saneagain

    saneagain Fapstronaut

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    Please don't come up with this psychological bullshit. I am physically shaking 24/7. dizzy like i am drunk 24/7 and have difficulties going up a stair because of shortness of breath. It's not about searching. I cant even start searching because my teeth hurt and I burn from inside. My nervous system is on fire .
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2017
    Freeddom_Taker and Dagger323 like this.
  9. I will win

    I will win Fapstronaut

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    Do you really think that you're alone? Many people have failed more than you hundreds of times and is still going. Don't act as if you are a homeless person. Many people have achieved the impossible without the help of anyone.
     
  10. saneagain

    saneagain Fapstronaut

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    Not many people report depersonalization/derealization as a withdrawal Symptom. Not many people report almost no improvement after 7 months. 99% oft people still function even during withdrawal. I cant say a straight sentence sometimes. So yeah, i seem to be one of a few.

    I would rather be homeless than feel like i do now.
     
  11. Hisself

    Hisself Fapstronaut

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    Gabe deem founder of reboot nation said that he was in a flatline for 9 months and was borderline suicidal the whole time and that it took him til 15 months before he could attain an erection from touch alone and was free of withdrawal symptoms and he fully recovered. Also as far as I know that is without any MO and from just about everybody I've heard speak on the subject, that can slow down the healing process. I would force yourself to socialize if you aren't already, that could be the missing ingredient in your recovery. Your brain needs a new source of dopamine that you would be getting from porn, it needs to know if it wants a dopamine hit from the image of a person that it must be in real life and not on a screen.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2017
  12. YngwieWanksteen

    YngwieWanksteen Fapstronaut

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    First off, you're doing very, very well for your streak.

    Secondly, I could agree with everything with you said. Yeah, why are you living on? You're right about everything you said. I'm going to come join you on your side of the fence.

    What does that leave me to say?

    I think you need to start disagreeing with yourself. If it's the first time you've heard it(probably not with your streak), I know it will sound like a bunch of new-age spiritual jumbo and overly simplistic, but you have to start thinking differently. Or at least contemplating ideas in your head, that life could be good. Even if it's just for one minute a day. And don't grind your teeth through it. Really, truly find a way to have something better occupy your mind.

    If you keep telling yourself things like it will take 5 years to do this or that, it will take that amount of time and even longer.

    I used to think like that all the time. Personally I would suggest reading philosophy or spiritual stuff. You need to change your outlook and as far I know spiritual/philosophy stuff is the equivalent of upgrading your operating system, if you know what I mean.

    This is getting long and maybe not specifically helpful to your situation, but reading that kind of stuff has gotten me to a place that I thought was impossible. I can now live with ideas that contradict each other.
     
  13. saneagain

    saneagain Fapstronaut

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    I know. At this point I was simply desperate about what was happening and tried to alleviate the symptoms. But it does not help. So I am not masturbating forever now.

    I try to socialize. I went to a birthday party. I meet as much as I can with friends. But I feel like I want to vomit. And constantly stumbling and running into things because of dizziness/lightheadedness.

    Of course it could be good if didn't want to puke all the time and feel like my brain has died.

    I play guitar, I meet with friends, I go to the city (with friends), I spend a lot of time outside, I read storys of people on forums and try to help. I can barely read something for more than a few minutes. And my memory is not existent. I don't remember shit. I was studying economics for years, remembering thousands of facts and formulas. I play piano and could remember dozens of of long pieces over the years - Bach, Beethoven, Chopin. Can you imagine how that feels? People were always astounded by my memory. I would remember hundreds of movie quotes for years without any effort. I feel retarded.

    I am simply defeated. I lost the hope that I can undo the damage I have done over the course of 10 years of excessive masturbating. Why would the body be able to go a normal state within a year after beeing consistently damaged for 10 years almost every day. I feel like an entirely different person with air in my head. I didn't even know such state of mind exists.
     
    starved likes this.
  14. TonyJones1970

    TonyJones1970 Fapstronaut

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    saneagain likes this.
  15. phwrancesco

    phwrancesco Fapstronaut

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    i can feel you, your story is really,really similar to mine. If you stay on the right road you'll see improvements
     
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  16. flyjoy

    flyjoy Fapstronaut

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    Stay on nofap and all will be Fine it Takes Time it can Take some years thats the truth but its worth 100%

    Was 20 years addicted know this Symptoms Most it will Go away its your Brain PlayS you Tricks to Go back to pmo.
     
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  17. InfinitePossibilities

    InfinitePossibilities Fapstronaut

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    In my oppinion your symptoms have little to do with pmo, at least there is some other thing involved. Mainly because you are 7 months clean.

    Please have a look at integrative breathwork, holotropic breathwork, transformational breath and "The Presence Process"

    All the best for you.
     
  18. Timetoquit582

    Timetoquit582 New Fapstronaut

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    I'm not a doctor nor a philosopher, but please remember...the human mind is an extremely powerful force. If it has the power to make you feel broken and hopeless, it also has the power to create the exact opposite: hope and rejuvenation.

    You are hurting inside and I feel for you. It's my opinion that every human being is capable of greatness. That means YOU. You may not know what form that is yet, but you've got it inside you.

    Porn is a lie. It chews us up and spits us out, having duped us into thinking it's what is best for us. You're better than porn. Turn your back on it.

    What if you reversed everything? You woke up and told yourself "I feel fucking amazing." No matter how ridiculous it seems, try the mindset of assuming you can do anything...you may be surprised to find that you actually can.

    Just my $.02. You have my best wishes. I know you will rise from these ashes.
     
    Flyhigh likes this.
  19. saneagain

    saneagain Fapstronaut

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    You may be right. But I turned every stone and thought about my life a lot. There is nothing else I can find. Except the fact that 2 months before the breakdown I moved in with my parents and had some dentist treatments. I suspected allergies to the fillings, did a test. It was negative. Or maybe the fact that I am living with my parents again. But that makes you annoyed and irritable. It does not make you bedridden and give you unbearable pain. I get along with my parents and it was my idea to live for 6 months at home to save money until I am finished with my degree.

    Look at this: https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/4g0ibe/day_48_severe_withdrawal_symptoms/

    All the same shit and this is not my post - I swear. Every fuckin' symptom. It's just that this guy is on day 48 and I am on day 200. I would often masturbate to complete exhaustion. Until my body could not orgasm anymore. 8 Times. 10 times. I don't remember. But I also had streaks of abstinence, 90 days or more. I had wet dreams 2-3 times a week for 3 months. Sometimes two WDs in one night.
     
  20. InfinitePossibilities

    InfinitePossibilities Fapstronaut

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    I know you tell the truth. Learning about your symptoms is the first step. I feel you have done enough research.

    Now is the moment to learn what you can do about it. You already tried some things like classic school medicine.

    When there is no medical treatment left to try, it is time to look for alternative ways. I did that a while ago for myself.

    There is more to the world and life than you might would expect for now. I only know about how to take the first steps, and i am constantly walking on the path i have taken. I do not know quick solutions or something "special", and i am in no way an expert. But I can show you some first steps to get you going. If you want to give it a try, it is necessary that you are honestly motivated to work on it. If you want to talk about it, pm me.
     
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