Please, please help me.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by helpmeplease1, Jun 2, 2021.

  1. helpmeplease1

    helpmeplease1 New Fapstronaut

    I’m new to this. But my boyfriend has been watching sissy porn for a few years. I’ve told him how upset it makes me feel and he’d never do it again. Last night I found his Xbox was filled with saved GIFs and videos etc. We had an argument and haven’t spoke since. This morning I checked again and even after our argument he sat til 4am watching it!?
    (May I just add he has a weed addiction and recovering (I hope) from cocaine addiction)

    I’ve read so much and still understand so little. Help me. What do I do what can I say? Is he addicted? JUST HELP
    +TenPercent likes this.
  2. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    That's totally fine, you set healthy boundries and he told you he was going to respect them.

    So... he didn't respect them.

    So.. after been caugth and knowing that this behaviour is making you feel upset, he is doing it anyways. What that tell you about how much he cares about you?

    Do you have serious issues in your life? If not.. why are you with a guy that have all this red flags?

    You already set a healthy broundry. He undrstood it and tell you he was going to respect it but he didn't. he lied to you and procedded to not respect your boundry. People that don't respect your boundries must be removed from your life.


    He is the only that can help himself, no matter how much you want him to change or tell him to change, if he is not willing to change he is not going to do it. On the other hand you are the one that can help you in this by removing him from your life. There a lot better guys out there that don't have this issues.
    So... is up to you.. you have the handles of your own life... or you let him go and find a better guy or you accept the fact that he is and addict of porn.. maybe cocaine and weed and you keep the relationship the way it is without complaning. He already show you the way he is... is your choice to accept it and keep been with a person like this or to move on and look for a guy that don't have all this addictions.
    helpmeplease1 likes this.
  3. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    It does appear as though he is addicted. If he wasn't, there would not have been the extensive collection nor would he have turned to it after your argument.

    Here's the most important thing I can tell you about it. If he doesn't want to quit, he won't. He will continue to find excuses and justifications to continue to watch it. He will become better at hiding it from you. Not saying you'll never catch him again at some point because you most likely will.

    Does he want to quit?
    When I found out about my husbands addiction, he quit watching it. He was "sober" for 2 years, but he wasn't in recovery. He only quit watching it because I wanted him to. Even though he didn't watch it in those 2 years, he continued to justify why he could during that time, and it took the encouragement of one therapist to get him to relapse (therapist told him its normal and okay for men to watch that. He also told him he didn't have to tell me he watched it because men are also entitled to their privacy). I did find out about the relapse almost a month later. He is now in recovery for himself and has been for about 9 months now. He still acts out every now and again with P-subs, but he has not watched P.

    I suppose what I'm trying to say is this may be a life long struggle for him. The success rate on being "recovered" is very small. This is a very addictive substance to get hooked on, unfortunately.

    There is not a whole lot you can do for him unless he is willing to quit for himself. P addicts often lack empathy so doing it for someone else is not a big enough reason to quit. That is why it has to be because he wants to do it, not because you're making him do it. If he feels you're making him, it could result in resentment towards you.

    If he wants to quit, there are a lot of tools he can utilize to help stay sober. Therapy, SAA meetings, forums like this one, getting an accountability partner, Journaling, etc.

    In the meantime, another important factor to take into consideration is, how it is impacting you. A lot of us SO's are here because of betrayal trauma from our partners addiction. It is a form of PTSD. We also need therapy and treatment to help us heal from all of this.

    If he doesn't want to quit, reevaluating your relationship may be warranted on your end. It is going to depend greatly on how much you are willing to get involved and get hurt in the process, unfortunately.
  4. helpmeplease1

    helpmeplease1 New Fapstronaut

    Thank you both for the insights. I’ll have to seriously think about this.
  5. Sorry you're going through this, you mentioned 3 addictions and even amongst people who are formally working on recovery often times what doesn't get talked about is the way they are related or cross addiction. This to me makes about as much sense as thinking your computer doesn't need to connect to your router and your router doesn't need to connect to the internet, and treat them like separate things or A is important and B is not, or just say the right thing and not really see the seriousness of the situation.

    I think more and more this is the reality that anyone seriously dealing with addiction has to face. Even though when someone was a serious alcoholic or on opiates might need to prioritize that, ignoring the other things just won't work well in the long run.

    Stick around the forum, there's a lot of support there. If you keep us updated I'm sure people will be following this thread.
    helpmeplease1 likes this.
  6. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

    Sounds like he has a lot of stuff to work on before even considering your relationship.

    You can't fix him. Only he can. Is it doable - sure. Is it fast/easy - no.

    Set your boundaries - set consequences - be clear about them. Then enforce them.
    helpmeplease1 and hope4healing like this.
  7. It is not uncommon for addicts to switch from one addiction to another. When they lack the skills to deal with difficult emotions in healthy ways, they may stop one particular addictive behavior, but they begin another one as a way to self-medicate. So, for example, let's say when your bf was trying to kick his cocaine addiction, he hadn't learned any healthy ways of dealing with feelings, life, stress, etc., but he no longer had cocaine to help him numb out and avoid reality. He then turns to porn, weed, gaming, or whatever else he can that would take its place to continue self-medicating. All the while, in his mind, instead of seeing it as a co-addiction (which it is), he rationalizes it as being ok because it's helping him recover from his cocaine addiction. (I don't know for sure if this is what's happened with your bf or not. I'm just giving you a very common scenario that does happen with addicts.)

    What kinds of things has he done to work on his cocaine addiction besides simply not doing cocaine? Has he done counseling, support groups, accountability partner, anything else to further his recovery? If he has, then maybe he is aware of co-addictions and how they work, but he just isn't ready to take complete recovery seriously. But, if he hasn't done anything else to truly address the root problem, then it's likely he will remain in this viscious cycle of moving one from addiction to the next until he seeks help.

    I'm sorry you're going through this. It's painful. It's unfair. But, as has already been said, you can't fix him no matter how badly you want to or how hard you try. You can only take care of you by not letting his problems control your life. When you love someone, that's hard. But, if you don't take care of you, no one will, and you'll only be hurt more in the long run. Figure out what you can accept and what you can't, and let him know. From there, the only thing you can do is step back and see what he does. Either he'll do what he needs to or he won't, but either way, it's up to him. Stay strong.
    eagle rising and DefendMyHeart like this.
  8. thegeneral

    thegeneral Fapstronaut

    Have you thought about leaving?
    RavenGT likes this.

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