Same story as a lot of you... need some advice

blk45 said:
@Broken3 makes a good point about abstinence. My only experience with addiction in myself was smoking. Even when I abstained I always wanted them. When I recovered I was disgusted by them.

Recovery has to do with understanding and healing the root causes of addiction that are substitutes for healthy coping in life. Addicts struggle with self love, self expression, and handling the expression of others. They find using easier than dealing initially, then the addiction creates bigger interpersonal issues so the using increases. Combine that with the chemical/physical changes in the brain and you have a real beast to contend with.

Abstinence only can often foster new addictions because a substitute coping mechanism is required. Or the addict will simply relapse whenever the pressure is on.

Since you are in counseling could the counselor help him get why abstinence is insufficient? Could he/she help him to see there is a much healthier and happier future for him if he gains the skills to feel powerful and healthy in his life and work.

From my experience, when I began to utilize healthy communication and self love every aspect of my life improved dramatically. I was selling on commission and my sales went up along with my confidence. My roommates and I got on better terms. My husband proposed.

It’s not just about the addictions. Addiction is just a symptom.

One tough thing to see is that addicts often attract partners that will unknowingly feed into the cycle of addiction. Are you the child of an addict? Have you had intimate partners with issues like this in your past? If you are/have, it may be important for you to learn about co-addiction or co-dependency. Look into intimacy avoidance/love addiction. If you do have these tendencies it will be helpful for you to be aware and more toward healthier habits.

These are tough considerations. They are critical to getting all the roots of this stuff pulled out so they don’t keep invading your life.
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Beautifully and very accurately articulated!
 
blk45 said:
Thank you. I’m actually becoming grateful for what’s happening. It’s leading me back into some great help. I’m hoping my journey will help others b
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Absolutely you are very inspirational! It’s hard to see while we are going through it but God can use our story to help someone else down the road :) Thank you!
 
Broken3 said:
Absolutely you are very inspirational! It’s hard to see while we are going through it but God can use our story to help someone else down the road :) Thank you!
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I deeply believe that women are at the heart of both what is troubling men and at the heart of healing men.

We really need to see the depths of our beauty and present it to ourselves. We need to become our own lovers and safe harbors first. I believe this will help men to come out the seclusion of porn and want to connect with us. I believe we have tremendous power within ourselves as a force for good, love and harmony.

I hope we each learn a little more each day about what a wonderful creation we are and to honor ourselves.
 
My guy recently sought out pictures and justified it to himself that it was not P and he didn’t M to it. I still consider it boundary break because it’s a Psub and he lied about it.

He has consequences now that I’m hoping he’ll take this 30days and use it to help him grow in knowledge about his addiction and why he does it and how to overcome it. It’s already opened up the lines of communication much better.
 
He's essentially addicted to just the dopamine drip.
He needs all chemicals essentially to be happy in combination.
Serotonin, oxytocin and dopamine.
Sort of like depression?
Except he's got himself just on dopamine, so he thinks he's happy.
It's the science of his addiction.
I'm in medical field.
What do you want to know, specifically?
 
blk45 said:
@Broken3 makes a good point about abstinence. My only experience with addiction in myself was smoking. Even when I abstained I always wanted them. When I recovered I was disgusted by them.

Recovery has to do with understanding and healing the root causes of addiction that are substitutes for healthy coping in life. Addicts struggle with self love, self expression, and handling the expression of others. They find using easier than dealing initially, then the addiction creates bigger interpersonal issues so the using increases. Combine that with the chemical/physical changes in the brain and you have a real beast to contend with.

Abstinence only can often foster new addictions because a substitute coping mechanism is required. Or the addict will simply relapse whenever the pressure is on.

Since you are in counseling could the counselor help him get why abstinence is insufficient? Could he/she help him to see there is a much healthier and happier future for him if he gains the skills to feel powerful and healthy in his life and work.

From my experience, when I began to utilize healthy communication and self love every aspect of my life improved dramatically. I was selling on commission and my sales went up along with my confidence. My roommates and I got on better terms. My husband proposed.

It’s not just about the addictions. Addiction is just a symptom.

One tough thing to see is that addicts often attract partners that will unknowingly feed into the cycle of addiction. Are you the child of an addict? Have you had intimate partners with issues like this in your past? If you are/have, it may be important for you to learn about co-addiction or co-dependency. Look into intimacy avoidance/love addiction. If you do have these tendencies it will be helpful for you to be aware and more toward healthier habits.

These are tough considerations. They are critical to getting all the roots of this stuff pulled out so they don’t keep invading your life.
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Thank you; we are not in therapy, cannot afford it, plus when we tried, he was pretty resistant. He does not think we need a therapist to tell us what is wrong and how to resolve it. He thinks he can do that by reading about the addiction and following the plan that has been oulined (working on porn not being an option and working on not thinking every single time he comes across something like a VS catalog or a pretty girl on the street or a sex scene in the movies etc. about not thinking of letting it get bigger; he is bascially constantly on edge and thinking 'oh crap, there is a pretty girl, gotta look elsewhere, can't look there, I don't want this to go anywhere else' though he does not let it get anywhere else, he thinks that it could and so therefore porn is still in his mind... does that make sense?

I am a daughter of an addict who beat me and my mom. I was sexually assaulted by him and date raped. I was cheated on by someone I thought I would marry. My last husband and I were better off as friends - we had no connection besides friendship and were not sexually active for half of our marriage, just living together as roommates/co-parents. Not exactly what I had in mind. Then my ex made me feel like he didn't care about my safety anymore - we had grown apart so much - and I couldn't stay anymore. (there was an incident where I was in an unsafe situation, and I called him for help, and he didn't come/respond to my request). I know I have my issues. I love my husband very much. We have an amazing connection. Intense sexual chemistry. I can't get enough of him. All I want is for him to feel the same... or at least mostly the same.

How does one actually recover?
 
Broken3 said:
My guy recently sought out pictures and justified it to himself that it was not P and he didn’t M to it. I still consider it boundary break because it’s a Psub and he lied about it.

He has consequences now that I’m hoping he’ll take this 30days and use it to help him grow in knowledge about his addiction and why he does it and how to overcome it. It’s already opened up the lines of communication much better.
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Thank you; same here. I am just so heartbroken that when we try to communiate, I pretty much cry the entire time.
 
Stefanie said:
How does one actually recover
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In my case, I prayed desperately to quit smoking. As a Christian it was embarrassing to me. Secondly, I was in a difficult living situation. As I examined my budget so I could move I saw I was short by $150 a month. Since, through a variety of events, I knew it was the Lord’s will that I move, I prayed according to that for the money to do it. My immediate answer was, “How much do you spend on cigarettes?” I quit at that moment. Unlike any other attempt I made, this time quitting was easy. I never smoked again. That was almost 10 years ago. I became clear I was powerless over cigarettes. I became clear I needed to be delivered from its evil. The Lord cleared up the money problem and addiction in one moment.

Does all recovery happen that way? I don’t know. But mine did.
 
I am a Christian and I understand what @blk45 is saying. But for those who are not religious ... I think there is still something important to hear in what he wrote: I believe a PA has to get to that point of feeling powerless ..... before they can really make a long-lasting, 180 degree turn away from PM.

..

If you are a PA .. and you think that you can overcome it, by simply overcoming it -- I think you haven't accepted the reality of your addiction. That was me for 5.5 months after my DDay...AND, I was doing "pretty good" I thought.

It wasn't until I found NoFap and really read and understood and accepted that I am a porn addict, that I first felt completely powerless and then established a plan to combat my PA.

The funny thing is..I had a plan before--and it was mostly working for 5.5 months ("only" relapsed twice) --- but I was still in internal-denial about if I was really addicted. So I felt that I could control it / overcome it for those 5.5 months.

..

Not sure if that answers the question "How does one actually recover" -- but I hope it helps.
 
Stefanie said:
Thank you; we are not in therapy, cannot afford it, plus when we tried, he was pretty resistant. He does not think we need a therapist to tell us what is wrong and how to resolve it. He thinks he can do that by reading about the addiction and following the plan that has been oulined (working on porn not being an option and working on not thinking every single time he comes across something like a VS catalog or a pretty girl on the street or a sex scene in the movies etc. about not thinking of letting it get bigger; he is bascially constantly on edge and thinking 'oh crap, there is a pretty girl, gotta look elsewhere, can't look there, I don't want this to go anywhere else' though he does not let it get anywhere else, he thinks that it could and so therefore porn is still in his mind... does that make sense?

I am a daughter of an addict who beat me and my mom. I was sexually assaulted by him and date raped. I was cheated on by someone I thought I would marry. My last husband and I were better off as friends - we had no connection besides friendship and were not sexually active for half of our marriage, just living together as roommates/co-parents. Not exactly what I had in mind. Then my ex made me feel like he didn't care about my safety anymore - we had grown apart so much - and I couldn't stay anymore. (there was an incident where I was in an unsafe situation, and I called him for help, and he didn't come/respond to my request). I know I have my issues. I love my husband very much. We have an amazing connection. Intense sexual chemistry. I can't get enough of him. All I want is for him to feel the same... or at least mostly the same.

How does one actually recover?
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There's so much that you've mentioned, so I'm just going to address your husband's porn addiction. Part of the process for me involves grieving. My husband is great in so many ways, it makes me profoundly sad he chose those quick blasts of dopamine despite my telling him how much that hurt me. Of course, he was engaging in his own denial too. I'm hoping this time his recovery will "take" (we've been at this on and off for six years). It shook him up when he realized I would leave him over his porn use. He says that prior to that, he knew he had a problem, but thought he could handle it. He finally got he was addicted. I hope your husband has an awakening as well.
 
TryingHard2Change said:
I am a Christian and I understand what @blk45 is saying. But for those who are not religious ... I think there is still something important to hear in what he wrote: I believe a PA has to get to that point of feeling powerless ..... before they can really make a long-lasting, 180 degree turn away from PM.

..

If you are a PA .. and you think that you can overcome it, by simply overcoming it -- I think you haven't accepted the reality of your addiction. That was me for 5.5 months after my DDay...AND, I was doing "pretty good" I thought.

It wasn't until I found NoFap and really read and understood and accepted that I am a porn addict, that I first felt completely powerless and then established a plan to combat my PA.

The funny thing is..I had a plan before--and it was mostly working for 5.5 months ("only" relapsed twice) --- but I was still in internal-denial about if I was really addicted. So I felt that I could control it / overcome it for those 5.5 months.

..

Not sure if that answers the question "How does one actually recover" -- but I hope it helps.
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This sounds like my husband!
 
Kenzi said:
He's essentially addicted to just the dopamine drip.
He needs all chemicals essentially to be happy in combination.
Serotonin, oxytocin and dopamine.
Sort of like depression?
Except he's got himself just on dopamine, so he thinks he's happy.
It's the science of his addiction.
I'm in medical field.
What do you want to know, specifically?
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I am a nurse with a grad degree. I just want to know what/how does one recover. He was abstaning and that worked for four years. Then he stumbled on a link that a friend on facebook posted and the temptation was too much - he got curious. He felt awful the first time and promised he would not go back, but then got lonely/frustated/stressed whatever, and he would go back; he didn't think he would get caught, since it was through a facebook page and the filters wouldn't pick it up. He has had incidences where he saw things that could have led him to act out, but he didn't. This one just grabbed him.

He spend the last four years focusing on not thining about pmo. He would practically obsess over not thinking about it, not letting it go down that road... afraid to look anywhere and worried his brain would take it where it is not supposed to go. That is not allowing pmo to really be gone... he didn't do it, but he was so worried that something might trigger him (and he swears nothing did after the first few months) that everything sex had a negative connection - including on some weird level, thinking about sex with me. We had sex, but not as often as we both wanted.

Sorry... TMI
 
No such thing as TMI on this forum. :)

I think you are asking when does one fully recover? When will it never, ever be a problem again?

I think the sad answer is never. I am no expert on addiction (just finally learned and admitted I was on a few weeks ago!) .. but I think I will battle this to some degree my whole life.

Now, four years from now..I hope it's not a constant, daily battle. I think there is something to "rewiring your brain" .... but even that doesn't mean the sex drive and the compulsion to PMing won't always be there.

Probably not the answer you wanted to hear...but I think that is how it works: a lifelong battle against PM.
 
Stefanie said:
I am a nurse with a grad degree. I just want to know what/how does one recover. He was abstaning and that worked for four years. Then he stumbled on a link that a friend on facebook posted and the temptation was too much - he got curious. He felt awful the first time and promised he would not go back, but then got lonely/frustated/stressed whatever, and he would go back; he didn't think he would get caught, since it was through a facebook page and the filters wouldn't pick it up. He has had incidences where he saw things that could have led him to act out, but he didn't. This one just grabbed him.

He spend the last four years focusing on not thining about pmo. He would practically obsess over not thinking about it, not letting it go down that road... afraid to look anywhere and worried his brain would take it where it is not supposed to go. That is not allowing pmo to really be gone... he didn't do it, but he was so worried that something might trigger him (and he swears nothing did after the first few months) that everything sex had a negative connection - including on some weird level, thinking about sex with me. We had sex, but not as often as we both wanted.

Sorry... TMI
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Try the links in my signature.
It's how my husband found his sobriety.
Good luck... And as @TryingHard2Change said, no such thing as tmi ask what you need
 
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