Your showing signs of danger bro... I’m not trying to tell you what to do... but in your shoes I’d try my best to refocus and change my thinking.. Reflect on why this is the best way, and how it’s helping you in life, not “one more thing added on”... It’s not one more thing, it’s what’s going to help you the most, help you overcome negative thoughts and be more productive.. think about it... what negative feelings will you have if you give in? You’ll feel worst off then you do now. Hang in there, your not alone.
Check in Day 35,36,37,38.......Feeling stronger day by day , gradually spring is approaching , with a slight increase in positive vibes....
Man you don't know how much I feel you, how much I suffered everytime I had to post that something went wrong. We love this place and we want to lead by example, we would like to be always perfect to let people know that it is possible, that if we made it then they can make it too. But that's not how life works. Life is about tests and trials as you said. And the best example you can give is this. "You stand" No matter how hard it is, you keep standing. You don't come back to the person you were because you know that by now you're a better person. I wrote it also in my posts, I stopped writing today I won this, done that and so on. I felt like everything was falling apart. I had this meeting yesterday as you read. And if the meeting would have gone bad, seriously, I don't know if I would have come back here. It could have been the trigger that would have made come back the old me. But I am telling you. You had good days. Now it's time to have great days. I don't know if this will be the last test we will have. But I don't think it is a coincidence that we are struggling together since we had a similar streak and similar stories. I can tell you just this. It's time to look yourself in the mirror and decide that enough is enough. That you don't want this anymore, That you can't take it anymore and you will go after your dream like all your life depends on it. And I assure you. You will find a way out of noway.
day 17 flash back hit like a whaaat anyone have experience fighting flash back of P scene ????, mind to sharing some tips this flash back are came randomly like before i sleep, when im reading book's im kinda scared cause sometime its happen on perfect time for P
I appreciate your sharing everything: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I've experienced all 3 aspects in my 89+ days free from PMO. I still have a LOT of work to do, and in some respects, I'm convinced that I'll never find a solution to my problems, nor will I fully ever be able to accept my imperfections. It's been a long time since I've stepped up and experienced the bad and the ugly parts of life. For years I neglected many responsibilities and escaped my anxiety and pain and discomfort through the use of PMO, p-subs, weed, alcohol, testosterone, and alprazolam. For many years I lived for Espi only, with zero morals or regard or concern for others, and if you slighted or disrespected me, I was going to disrespect you back, 10xs harder. I spent a lot of time plotting horrible acts of revenge on people whom I felt caused me undue pain and harm, and I thank God that I never followed through on those acts. Despite my newfound path in life, I remain a very insecure and angry person. I never believed I was capable of surviving on my own, and I usually found ways to justify quitting or escaping, and I'm still struggling with that. It's like that whack-a-mole game at the carnival: as soon as I solve one problem, another problem immediately pops up. I'm no longer doing P or M or smoking weed or injecting testosterone, but now I've become somewhat obsessed about finfing another job and finding a woman to settle down with. It's like I HAVE to keep myself distracted with someone or something in order to find balance, happiness, and peace. For me there are the obvious triggers and then there are the subtle triggers. Lately it is the subtle triggers that I have to especially aware of. For me these include pride, insecurity, ego, finances, depression, loneliness, and anger. I struggle with these constantly...every day. Now that I'm facing life honest and sober, these subtle triggers have, at times, intensified, and overwhelmed me with unprecdented levels of emotional discomfort, helplessness, and doom, making it really hard at times for me to focus and find purpose in life. There's no more escaping: I choose to face life head-on, and though there have been moments of joy and strength and purpose, there have also been moments of acute depression, weakness, and apathy. I accept these ugly realities and continue to deal with them, even though it's been really hard. What helps me is to focus on being more accepting and forgiving. I'm not 100% convinced that God exists, but when I pray, it seems to help clear my mind. But no matter how much I pray, or plan, or accomplish, exercise, try to help others, etc. etc., life at times seems pointless and hard, and I am convinced that it's simply going to take more time for me to stabilize emotionally. There are highly respected members on this site whose journals I've read; they sustained over a year free from PMO yet struggled emotionally beyond the 100-day mark, and that doesn't discourage me. I'm actually thankful that they shared their struggles because I'm at that 100-day point now, and at least I know in my heart and soul that it's OK to struggle, that the storms eventually pass.
Day (1)41 So what to say about today? That today I won. My goal was to lead my team to finally win matches, because I was physically strong and altough I am a defender I was scoring goals. But it was not enough. The team was losing and I am part of the team, so I was losing too. I wanted the change. And today I lead team, I kept on fighting And we won my friends. Because as the message posted just above here by @Kratos_GOW excellence must be seeked in every aspect of your life. It's not just about PMO. How you do anything is how you do everything. If you can't do perfectly the small things, how can you do perfectly the great things? If I can't give everything for my soccer team, how can I succeed in academic? Because it is always about effort. That's why you should wake up early, that's why you shouldn't use your phone for the first hour and instead do something(like making your bed) Because it's about mindset. Take charge for your life. As real Spartans.
You have a choice to make... You can refuse to see it, visualizing yourself in complelte control and in peace, in a place of your own control with people you care about there by your side.. Option 2.. you prepare yourself first and allow yourself to see it but with a differently feeling. A loathing for what it is and what it’s trying to do.. it’s trying to kill you, to degrade you into a lessor human... this can fuel you to hate it completly.. Your choice, or a mixture. Just remember the feeling of failure and how you never want to feel that again. Also remember why your here, why you took this journey.
Day 8. Time is flying. I bought cake to celebrate my new rank, but the cake was old unfortunately and tasted like cornbread. Anyways, today was a good day. I'm not stressing over the situation with my mom. I do still drift into daydreams about getting into a relationship though. I'll live lol. I've been getting the best sleep ever for the past 3 days. I'm happy because I've lost so much sleep in the past. It's like I'm getting the time back I lost. I'm thankful.
Thank you for the update! I appreciate it. And you deserve a big old slice of cake. I hope the next one tastes better though
