The beginning of the journey

This is something that Ive never done before, and with this I'm talking about writing a thread on the forums, even though I've been a self-proclaimed Fapstronaut for a long time.

In any case, hi. Hope you've had a nice day so far, regardless of whether you got to add another day to your pmo count or you relapsed. Going off on a tangent here, but bear with me.

I've been addicted to pornography since I was 18 years old, maybe even longer. I'm currently 22, about to turn 23 and I've been actively trying to stop pmo'ing since I was 19. Over the years the addiction has gotten progressively worse, with the worst happening over the past few weeks. While in the past I was able to go a full week without pmo'ing with no problem whatsoever, now I'm barely able to go 3 days. This has gotten worse mainly because of the fact that it's winter, exams are starting tomorrow and the place where I live it rains 24/7. Due to this I'm literally in my room constantly, having to study and barely able to do other things other than stare at my laptop. I attribute the worsening of my porn consumption to the things that I previously mentioned. But I know that I need to change.

I'm currently on day zero once again. But I've taken now all the necessary measures to prevent a relapse from ever happening again. My laptop is completely blocked, so I cant access porn at all and my phone is blocked as well. I must admit that I'm embarrassed that this addiction has gotten so bad to the point where I literally can't control myself anymore and have to have everything blocked... My willpower is at an all-time low. I have had depression in the past and it feels like it has come back. I have anxiety attacks, because of the fear of getting an urge. This couldn't come at a worse time, with exams just around the corner but I will push through. I have to. There is no choice.

I feel a bit odd writing this post, because every time I relapse I tell myself the same things over and over. That this time it's gonna be different. That this time I blocked everything. That there is no way I will relapse again. That my road to recovery starts now. But what is the point when I can't even keep a promise to myself?
That is the cruel reality of this addiction, the fact that deep down you really do want to improve and become a better person but a few days later temptation strikes and you can't resist.

I can only hope that by writing here, something that I've never done before, I can show to myself that I'm making an active effort towards changing for the better.
Stay strong, to all of you out there who have lost hope.

P.S. I'll be posting a bit more often here over the next few days and weeks, reporting on my progress.

Peace,
Emi