The Mighty That Fell ~ Squeaky Soul's Journal

Today I started the day off with a half hot half cold shower. It felt good.

Yesterday I finally started doing more homework. Doing homework at home is boring. I needed a change of scenery, so I asked my parents to drop me off with my textbooks. For about two months I have been only doing one assignment a day. After yesterday's library visit, I felt soooo accomplished. I'm starting to feel better about everything.

I have felt no urges today, but in a few hours I will be at my local library pounding away at homework again. Yesterday I got a few urges due to this cute librarian that was stocking the shelves in my area.

~Squeaky Soul

 

Today was a good day. I haven't broken any of the rules.

I went to the library today and did four assignments in History, two assignments in Literature, and two assignments in Algebra.

There weren't any cute librarians today, so focusing on my work wasn't hard.

~Squeaky Soul

 

Hello people.

If anyone needs support, please talk about it here. This is a very free/open journal of mine and I would like to help people here. So, feel free to talk about your problems. A preacher man once told me that the bible says iron sharpens iron. I am grateful for your support, and I'd like to repay you.

I'm still in bed right now, but I'll get ready in a little while, and start my day.

~Squeaky Soul

 

Thanks IGY. My parents want me to see a therapist or councilor as well.

I'm not sure when I will be able to though. End of the year has me doing a lot of school.

~SS

 

Headedup, or me it seems as though I can make nearly ten days fine, but once I hit that point, I stop caring and relapsing isn't a big deal to me.

Does anyone know how to get passed the ten day mark? I have forgotten how...

~Squeakay

 

Damn, I have felt like relapsing recently.

IGY, my accountable partner, I just want to say, I love you, and I'm here for you.

-SS

 

I feel like not being here on the forum. I feel like giving into PMO and giving the NoFap a break.

What's the point? I know what's going to happen. I relapse on a weekly basis. I just relapsed not once, but TWICE in the past few hours.

I have a stupid excuse, but it's a good stupid excuse... I have state testing. I needed to get sleep, but my addiction won't let me sleep till I relapse. Last time I relapsed was the day before competition, remember? I need to get sleep, and that's my weak point.

I only made 278 days because I was highly motivated, and I was able to do without sleep, my streak going through summer (no testing, no competition in the summer.)

I am seriously thinking about leaving the forum.

Sorry, IGY, I just wanted to put this out there for everyone to see, but I look forward to talking to you privately.

~SS

 

Thanks seventyniner, IGY, and Mick. I feel like starting over.

This is embarrassing, but my mother knows about my struggle with pornography. She found out when she was snooping around on my phone and saw what I had been watching about two years ago. So, she convinced me this morning to stay on the forum when I told her I didn't want to be an active member anymore.

I have started to use the resources around me. Listen to motivational speeches, use natural medicines to curve my anxiety and my excessive sexual desire. I just took a capsule with essential oils in it (my mom is distributor for Young Living Oils Company). I used cedar wood and thieves oil (A mix of oils). I already feel calm and relaxed.

I am sorry for everything. I have been a bad person.

~Squeaky Soul

 

After a few days I lose my interest in the forum.

I'm going to listen to some motivational speeches. That's a promise.

-SS

 

I took a capsule of some essential oil today.

It made me really drowsy but also focused. Like, sharp in a sleepy state of mind. It also made me hungry (the munchies haha) so I stopped at the store on the way to class and got some jalapeno kettle chips. Eating them right now... they're freakin delicious.

Any thoughts on the essential oils?

~SS