The Mighty That Fell ~ Squeaky Soul's Journal

Squeaky, the last one choked you up because it's all that matters. In your life, you may have plans that can go totally awry. Your only 17 and those who have lived know they ended up in places they could never ever have imagined. The only certainty in life is death. How you go is all that matters.

 

Perhaps you were scared of losing your emotional control. A lot of people are like that. They are scared that if they speak in line with their feelings, their emotions will spill over and they will be out of control. In that situation, the lack of control would likely come with tears, even uncontrolled sobbing. In certain cultures, especially in Western ones, we regard it as undignified to have an emotional outburst in public i.e. great sorrow. It is not that you lacked feelings but you felt uncertain about if they were appropriate to voice them, especially with the risk of crying among your peers. Suicide of a personal friend is a shocking thing and your feelings are unresolved and may remain so for some time. But you have spoken in this journal about articulating your love for him as your friend and you have mentioned crying in grief several times. It can be quite a long process, especially when you have such a close connection with the person and the fact they chose death.

I hope that helps you to understand what happened yesterday and not to reproach yourself in any way. You will continue this difficult journey at your own pace my friend.

 

Bro, why dont you ask GOD how long he wants you to be abstinent for ? Perhaps the abstinence has become sexual anorexia ? 2 sides of the same coin. 100 days repairs and reboots the human brain from porn, causal sex with women etc. Conciously seeking more than that could be some form of self flagellation, we are after-all sexual beings. Sex isnt the issue, compulsive sex is hope that helps

 

This is a horrible thing to have to deal with. He sounds like a right asshole.

But physically assaulting him to release your anger is not helpful to you. It is understandable and feeling angry is not wrong in itself - I feel some anger just reading about it. But it is what we do with our anger that is important. It can create a lot of energy. Perhaps it is worth exploring how you could channel that energy in a more productive way. You might use it to do something practical and positive for the family of your friend. Are there aspects of life that are more difficult for them now that he has gone?

So, I do not criticise you for feeling understandably angry. Just consider what better ways there are to act, apart from beating the bastard up.

 

@Squeaky Soul Man you were mighty ! don't go back to addiction man ! If you do , it's not just a loss for you . It is a big loss for us all ... It is sooo hard for fapstronauts to see a mighty one of them falls . You can recover your mightiness again my friend ! we all believe in you . Don't let us down !

 

You seem to excel at most things you put your mind to - cooking, dancing, the scouts, secret handshakes (lol) and, of course, NoFap pb = 278 days. We're not worthy!

 

I am sorry you feel so sad

But you need to focus on your studies - so log off and give it your full attention.

I love ya (hug)

 

Umm, no, bud. First of all, PMO is not going to put you in Hell. As we've talked about in the Catholic/Orthodox thread, it is not considered a mortal sin in every case, only a moral evil. Only God knows if an act is a mortal sin.

Second, fear of Hell is not a very good motivation to stop. You must learn, in your own way, that love of God and self is the only good spiritual motivation!

Third. as to what your mom said about going to hell, you need to forgive her and see where she was coming from. A study on seminarians found that, for some strange reason, less than 50% of Catholic parents support their child's decision to go to seminary. Now, I'm not saying you've already decided. My point is that parents often get unjustly and irrationally mad at their child's discernment of religious life.

But guess what? It's your life, your soul, and your vocation! Not your mom's! Did you know that you don't even need parents' permission to join a seminary? This is in order to prevent parents that are not supportive. So I'm not saying your mom is bad or wrong, but if you truly are called to be a priest, Satan is using this as an opportunity to make you doubt! God loves you as a Father, and he is the parent that will always support you and knowingly want what is best for you! You can and must trust him as a father, when your own parent cannot see the genuine love for the priesthood in your soul.

 

Congrats, what position?

 

Guys

be easy on yourselves ok. Im like 12 years clean of substances and now 52 days of this and its NOT difficult IF 1) you stop trying to control it 2) surrender yourself to God 3) accept there is nothing wrong with you spiritually eg this isnt sin 4) this is simply addiction nothing more find a 12 step programme eg SLAA on line SKYPE address both the acting out and the acting in eg emotional and sexual annorexia relax and take it easy you will NOT succeed on will power, you will NOT succeed if you set yourself up to fail eg anything more than 100 daysn and you will not succeed if you try using again it gets worse never better so heal go out live get a date and enjoy your GOD given sexuality happy to assist if needed

 

I think it is good that you found the resources within yourself to deal with it - as you said, "I knew what I had to do".