The Mighty That Fell ~ Squeaky Soul's Journal

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Squeaky Soul, Feb 8, 2015.

  1. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    It gets hard fighting the urges, it gets hard doing the things I know I should, it gets hard maintaining a schedule to reboot.

    In November 2014, I relapsed after a 278 day streak. I was clean until 50 days later with another relapse. The following day I relapsed, again, and so begun a downward spiral.

    I used to journal a lot in the first few months of my NoFap journey. Looks like a good night to start it up again. A journal will be good to keep me active on here. I will post daily updates from now on.

    First off, thanks to all my supporters - IGY, NoneForMeThanks, friends from the "Real Manhood Awaits" group, and the Founder of NoFap.

    Just looking for some support.

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  2. M L

    M L Guest

    Good luck Squeaky Soul - you are not alone in having fallen. I hope your journal helps you. I encourage all your effort and acknowledge your past success:)
     
  3. Immor

    Immor Fapstronaut

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    You may have fallen or failed in being perfect, but you have succeded in fapping less than over 99.9% of the population since you started and will have the benefits from that.
     
    Low and Thechosenone like this.
  4. firdi

    firdi Guest

    Squeaky your abstinence for 278 days is a tremendous achievement. Could you share what led to your fall after such a streak? It will be immensely helpful to newbies like me.

    My best wishes for greater success this time.
     
    JoePineapples likes this.
  5. BlackVelvet

    BlackVelvet Fapstronaut

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    Squeaky Soul you are a beast! 278 days is nothing to laugh at. When I first came to NoFap you helped me out tremendously. I thank you for that. I can totally relate to you now. My journaling has stopped as well and that is bad. Your great dude, aim for 300!
     
    JoePineapples and bord15 like this.
  6. spike1899

    spike1899 Fapstronaut

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    That's an awesome streak dude, and here I was thinking ending my 52 day streak was something. Getting through that much time is quite the accomplishment, just do what you did to get to where you were, and reflect on the mistake. Don't dwell nor despair, but look at it for what it is. We're human and we make mistakes. Reflect on it, learn from it, and grow from it.
     
  7. Anturak

    Anturak Fapstronaut

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    I'm sure you've learned so much about your urges after 278 days. Just apply yourself back into it.
     
  8. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for all the replies! It's a surprise on how many I have gotten!

    So, here's how this journal is going to work:

    *I will provide a section of the journal that led me to reboot every night - This will benefit myself, along with any other of my "followers" here on the forum.

    *I will provide a daily update - An update on my current condition, events in the day, venting, et cetera.

    *Every once and a while I will post an article or video that is helpful for, and promotes abstinence.

    So here we go! This my official rededication to NoFap! I appreciate any post in my thread, and if you need any advice, or tips, I will be happy to help you! Thanks for the support in advance!

    So, let me go grab my old journal from my sock drawer...

    Got it! Here we go...

    (I will post a few bits from my journal just to start, due to the shortness of them)

    Page 1

    Make more goals to destroy it[the addiction]!


    Page 2

    Advice From Priests [during a confession]

    This is actual advice from the Catholic priests at my church

    *Try to find things that can distract you during the danger zone times of the day.

    *Listen to your parents, and look at your goals for life. You can't safely get to these goals if you continue these bad habits.

    *find other things to entertain you, such as comedy shows.


    February 24th, 2014 (They day I joined NoFap)

    Pros to PMO
    *Releases stress

    Cons
    *Trains you to look at people as sex objects.
    *Lowers testosterone
    *Ruins confidence
    *Boosts anxiety soon after you relieve stress
    *Fatigue
    *Ruins motivation
    *Lowers grade
    *Feeling of hopelessness
    *Short term depression
    *It's a mortal sin

    That's all for the old journal! God, it helped to look at that. Please, please take it to heart.

    Here's my daily update (Including current condition and events)

    February 8th, 2014

    Woke up at 9:00 a.m. and got ready to go to church. The sermon today was nice, but also sad. The priest was talking about how many Catholic Churches are closing across the nation.

    After, my mother and I had lunch at a Chinese joint. Great food btw! We got hot and sour soup, pork ribs, chicken chow mein, and a big plate of edamame beans.

    After, went to my grandparents, and hung out with my cousins, ate pizza, talked. I was more quiet today due to my relapse. I have had disappointment nagging at me all day. All together, today's Sabbath was a great way to get back on the high horse.

    Any thoughts?

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  9. MelancholyWeightlifter

    MelancholyWeightlifter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Sounds good man. Do what you have go to stay clean. Relapse is not an option!
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2015
  10. ruso

    ruso Fapstronaut

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    Your honesty has always been a huge inspiration to me. You'll get back in no time.
     
  11. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for all the replies,

    To answer one your questions, relapse is usually never pinned to one event. It's almost always a building up or a series of events. The time I relapsed after my 278 day streak, I had stopped reading the bible at night, I had taken a break from prayer and NoFap because I thought I didn't need them anymore, and I was not busying myself with the stuff I needed to do. Also, a few hours before my relapse, I was walking in a park and stumbled upon two homeless people getting it on in the bushes.... gross, but along with every other event, it toppled me.

    My last few reasons for relapse have been from lack of sleep and binge eating. That's another thing I remember... Your addiction will ALWAYS manifest itself to you in different ways. Always. Whenever you think you have beaten your addiction, your cravings always morph and trick you. Thus, it's good to be prepared and always know your addiction. I have some writing technique that I use, and I will share them shortly.

    Live long and prosper,

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
    goldstein likes this.
  12. Immor

    Immor Fapstronaut

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    I would summarize those events as declining discipline and focus. That is how it happens to me as well.
    You can not see fapping as an isolated thing you can fight all on its own. You have to keep your whole life in order, or there won't be the willpower and motivation to stop you from fapping.
     
    goldstein likes this.
  13. CJthewise

    CJthewise Fapstronaut

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    Stay strong my friend this journy is not going to be easy we all have the temtaions its hard not too its all around us everywhere .

    We are all here to help each other this is my first time trying this as well im going for 90 days
     
  14. mijereah

    mijereah Fapstronaut

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    Ya know what man you have proven to others that you can succeed and that comes with a great price. I remember talking with you on here last year and we were in our same positions battling this crazy addiction. All the best to you my friend as you pick yourself back up and start over again. Now is the time to focus 100% on the life you want to live.
     
  15. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    What's wrong with me! I can't even last a day now!

    I have absolutely no willpower anymore... An urge waves over me, I can't even fight it. A minute after relapse, just when the guilt kicks in, I looked myself in the mirror and finally realized what was wrong -

    1. I say I want to be successful at abstinence, but I only kind of want it.

    2. I have no self control. I can barely even do anything that I want to do anymore. I kind of just float around and not do anything.

    3. I have been so busy with school that I haven't had time for any fun. And, since I am homeschooled, I have a very little social life. Last year was different. I went to classes at schools in addition to my normal home studies. I saw friends, I laughed, now it just goes like this: Wake up @ 7 a.m., eat breakfast, watch youtube videos, go to sleep, repeat...

    To punish myself and prevent myself from jacking off even more, I will have to start the Spartan workout - 300 pushups a day. My arms always felt tired, and I won't feel like raping myself anymore.

    Here's to getting my fucking shit back together,

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  16. M L

    M L Guest

    Oh Sqeaky Soul, please go easy on yourself. It is hard to be isolated, and some times when I MO it is just to meet that need - have that human experience.
    Tomorrow is a new day - make some plans for yourself now that will help you then. I'm thinking of you xx
     
  17. MelancholyWeightlifter

    MelancholyWeightlifter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I have to disagree with Married Lady. Do not be easy on yourself. Being easy on yourself is what lead you to relapse. With all due respect, it's time to hold yourself to a higher standard. This ain't no game. Step up. Try all the little things to try to help yourself, but in the end, when that urge hits you, you gotta OBLITERATE it. Get mad Squeaky Soul, refuse to fail.

    You and I both are coming at this from a religious angle. This is of dire importance. Our purpose is higher.
     
    Cooldude4 and StarKing like this.
  18. M L

    M L Guest

    I don't mind a difference of opinion Melacholy weightlifter - I really just mean what's done is done. And I think I was upset a little to hear him use the term rape like that.
     
  19. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Did almost 150 push-ups tonight.

    It's been a while since I got pissed off at the diabolical... since I got real, real mad at my bad habit... I am still scowling.

    Thanks Lady and MW. Sorry, I was just upset that I PMO'd and thought that word was fitting. What's done is done, but I have been bad. I need to punish myself. God Bless these dead arms and this Dirty Soul of mine.

    Here's to my push-up penance,

    ~Mad Soul
     
  20. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Btw, does anybody need support (I feel so stupid offering anti-PMO advice while only being an hour clean)?

    ~Mad Soul
     

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