Why do our partners say we have "a big one" when it's just not true?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by +TenPercent, Mar 4, 2020.

She say's I have a big one because

  1. it really is big and I just don't know what big is

    15 vote(s)
  2. she hopes that saying so might somehow make it get bigger

    1 vote(s)
  3. she thinks it will turn me on

    14 vote(s)
  4. she's trying to make me feel better about myself

    37 vote(s)
  5. she's trying to get me to talk about "the elephant (or mouse) in the room"

    2 vote(s)
  6. she's hoping it will make me feel more secure about her fidelity

    6 vote(s)
  1. Hi all,
    I would love to get some feedback from men and women on this question which has bothered me for a long time.

    Short story (pun intended) is that I know I have a small one. I'm a tall caucasian male. My penis has a nice shape and normal girth but maxes out at 4 1/2 inches long so . . . shorter than average. I've read endless studies and know how to measure. Like most men, I always wondered. In my twenties, some girlfriends / partners told me it was "average" and a few even called it "big" if I asked. Not one gf told me that it was small . . . until one broke up with me and told me that she had lied and I really was the smallest guy she had been with.:oops:
    This led to deep insecurity (and a lot of measurements) and wondering if most of the women I had been with were "just being nice" :rolleyes:

    The ruler doesn't lie. And my relationship history suggests that it might have been an issue. And a few women have told me straight up that it is small.

    I've tried to just accept what I have and to stop obsessing about it! I have purposefully not asked my girlfriend what she thinks about my size and I have not asked her how big her previous boyfriends were (though she did say I'm not like anyone else - that she always dated "carpenter types", which I interpret as meaning men who are more masculine than me).

    But, lately she keeps telling me how it's "so big" and how other guys wish they had one as big as me. She also cracks small penis jokes with me as if I'm supposed to laugh along with her at another guy's misfortune. I'm really trying not to bring this up with her because I'm trying not to fixate on my size (major trigger for me) but I can't help wondering why she would say I have a big one when I know that I don't.

    Can anyone offer some insight?
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2020
  2. Jnuts

    Jnuts Fapstronaut

    It sounds like you and I are the same size. I have only ever been with 2 women. The first flat out told be that her previous boyfriend was bigger. The second (long story short) I was informed of this by her ex. This haunted me for our entire marriage (almost 13 years). I had asked her way back in the beginning and she blew it off. I knew it was the case though because the first time she tried riding me she got up on her feet and well...that doesn’t quite work with me.

    Anyway this developed into a small penis humiliation fetish that I now know I used as a coping mechanism. We would lightheartedly joke about it.

    a few weeks ago we were digging up old feelings and I finally asked her again how much bigger he was than me. Due to not knowing I always imagined that he was fucking huge. She informed me he wasn’t. Maybe 1.5-2” longer and a little more girth. But she assured me that she is perfectly satisfied with me and that I know how to use what I have much better than he did. I’m also a world ranked oral sex champion so that helps.

    Do I wish I had a bigger dick? Yes. Am I ever going to have one? No. So I just need to let it go.

    i don’t have an answer to your poll. Just my experience.
  3. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    With my soon to be wife, she has never said this exactly but things close to it, and knowing her like I do its because she is trying to make me feel better.

    I have a smaller penis than you, not a micro penis but in the area between average and micro. The biggest issues is girth though, mine is really thin. Mine is so small that no condoms fit, think tube sock on your finger, and I spent years trying every condom on the market targeted for smaller penises. I even bought all the Asian brands(specifically Korean, according to global accounts they have the smallest national average) I could find(no offense intended to the Asian community) but had no luck finding anything that would work. Finally after almost 2 decades of searching I found a German company that makes custom condoms for your measurements, and while they do kinda fit, they are the smallest they offer and only kinda for still. This search alone left me with deep seeded insecurities, along with porn addiction, it left me flat out angry at a number of things.

    Now I am engaged to a wonderful woman whom I love and enjoy our sex life very much, with the exception of my penis. She says it's fine, of course she does, she tears up at the thought of hurting me in any way and as a deeply emotional person she does not lie very well. I am probably the smallest guy she has been with, we don't talk about it much.

    But interestingly enough I was never insecure when the relationship started and it was only with time that I grew insecure. Why? I began to see my limitations during sex because of my size. I can only have sex on really one position, I cant even be in her favorite position which is a bummer. Yes there is foreplay, which I am good at but she is a rare woman who can and prefers to get off during intercourse. She's insecure about foreplay, I'm insecure about intercourse. Just from a kinda selfish perspective, I dont, can't, enjoy intercourse very much because of my size, I get lost and don't even know if I'm in half the time which causes confusion, frustration and more insecurities.

    Nowadays I am constantly making small penis insults to myself, which I realize does not help matters but I cant seem to stop myself, and she get really upset by them. I can see why guys have sabotaged their relationships because of their insecurities. Half the time I'm too nervous to even initiate sex and in my head I insult myself, convincing myself she does not want me to have sex with her anyway because of my size.

    Unfortunately it probably wont get better, obviously it's not getting any bigger and with age it will only get smaller. Maybe as time goes on I will get better.

    With most emotional relationships, partners will try make the other feel better. Saying your big when you know your not is her trying to make you feel better, or try to. But like in my case, it only makes me feel more like shit. Unfortunately often telling them otherwise would also lead to an unfortunate emotional reaction.
  4. @Jnuts @WhoCares101 Thank you gentlemen for your responses! It really makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone with this and to see that other men have had similar experiences.
    This (initiating a position that I cannot perform) happened with my current girlfriend. Of course, I immediately think that she must have done this with a previous lover and it was very triggering for me as I kept falling out. :oops:

    The whole idea that one condom fits all is really upsetting when it's clearly not true. I have also found some better fits by looking internationally, but what I struggle with is that even the "snugger fit" condoms are seven inches long! For me, condoms don't roll down far enough, and sometimes they roll back up and fall off. They really should make thinner and shorter options.
    *I actually wrote to Trojan once to ask why they don't make smaller condoms and their answer was that no one wants to buy condoms that are labeled as small. :rolleyes:

    You're singing my song . . . I have also invited my previous partners to tease me about being too small and it would turn me on, but I know that it's a coping mechanism / not healthy. I'm tempted (very tempted at times) to tell my girlfriend that I want her to tease me for my size and to tell me how all of her previous lovers were bigger, but I don't think I can close that door once I open it and I'm worried that it would lead me back to porn and masturbation.

    This is where I'm stuck. I feel like it's better to accept what I have and not dwell on it - which means not bringing it up. Maybe she'll stop with the big penis comments if I don't respond. I really don't know where the conversation would go if I confront her on this and I'm worried that the unfortunate emotional reaction might be my own.
  5. I'm curious if any of the women on here have some insight on this matter . . .

    Are there different reasons why a woman might lie to their partner about the size of his penis?
    Is it just an unspoken rule that you should never tell a man that he has anything less than "a big one"?
  6. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    So you know that she is lying. And you question yourself why she is lying. I would guess it's because she wants you to feel better about yourself, or it's some kind of "dirty talk" from her side. Either or, it's strange. I believe that if there is such a thing as an unspoken rule regarding penis sizes, it's that women don't mention size if it's normal or small.
  7. Tommygamble

    Tommygamble Fapstronaut

    Maybe it’s something you dwell on and that’s her way of making you feel better about it or maybe her way of expressing that she is happy with your size... sex is intimate and shouldn’t be ruined with such thoughts women don’t care... if it isn’t too thick or too skinny if it isn’t too long or too short you’re right brother... having an average penis only means you’re perfect for more women... or the more obvious answer maybe it’s big to her
  8. Cleanhead8020

    Cleanhead8020 Fapstronaut

    Why don't you guys do Penis Enlargement. It works for real and you don't have to buy anything...

    Google Thunders Place, you will thank me later.
  9. CodeTalker

    CodeTalker Fapstronaut

    This made me chuckle.
    In my head I see a scientist measuring his penis with really accurate instruments.
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2020
    +TenPercent and Deleted Account like this.
  10. That's what I would have expected . . . maybe upgrade it a little bit if he asks.
    But if he doesn't ask . . . don't bring it up! Unless it really is big. We all like to hear our partners reminding us of what they like about us.
    Yes. Thank you! I think it's strange, too. Especially since I've never brought it up.
    I have grown to accept my body as it is (what a blessing!) but her talking about it is still very triggering for me and I just can't help wondering why she keeps telling me I have a big one and why now? (We've been together for 6+ months but this all started about 2 weeks ago)
  11. I don't dwell on it (though its starting to seem like she is . . .) but it is nice to think that maybe it's her way (though strange) of simply saying that I "have a nice one" or that what I have works for her. :)

    That really is an encouraging thought!
    I am sure that mine is well shorter than average, but I can be grateful for having average girth. Always good to focus on the positive.

    This is what I "want" to believe when she says these things, but it's hard to believe knowing that she's had a fair amount of previous partners whom she described as "carpenter types".
    If she said something like "I like the way you feel inside me", that would be much more easier to digest.
  12. Like callipers? Haha! :D

    Truth be told, I used to measure obsessively, down to the .10 or even .05 inch. Sometimes it would be a little longer, sometimes a little shorter.

    I am proud to say that I have mostly let this go and maybe only measure once every few months, on a whim, to see if anythings changed, but these days it's always the same. That's all fine for me.

    I really have become quite comfortable with what I have and haven't thought about it much . . . until my girlfriend started telling me how big it is :rolleyes:
    CodeTalker likes this.
  13. CodeTalker

    CodeTalker Fapstronaut

    I have a question, does morning woods bother you with a small penis ?
  14. Nucleus

    Nucleus Fapstronaut

    This might help: When a woman is into you, she goes into an almost hypnotic state in which you will appear better looking and bigger dicked... to her. It’s not a lie. This is evidence of how much she likes you.

    Also if she’s into you, when you have sex with her, her vagina will... kinda... invite you in. The result is you will also FEEL bigger.
  15. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    Some women won't believe you if you say that they are hot, or that they have a nice (whatever body part) because there are other women out there who are more attractive or with nicer xyz attributes. It doesn't mean that you are lying to them just because there might be other people out there who surpass their beauty or sex appeal in specific ways to people with certain preferences. Any penis big enough to be appealing to a woman, she might rightfully describe as 'big'. You'll have seen much bigger in porn. We all have, no matter how big we are. Her standards are what matter, not yours. Not porn's. Plus you mention your girth. Maybe this is what appeals to her.

    If you are concerned she isn't being totally genuine, then maybe have that conversation with her, calmly, and in a non-sexual situation. Don't accuse her of lying, but maybe ask if she really feels that way about your size, or if she is just saying things that she thinks you want to hear. If references to your size cause you to feel self-conscious, perhaps ask her to use words like 'beautiful' or 'gorgeous' to describe it.

    I love my wife's chest, and she does not have large breasts, but I find this aspect of her very much beautiful and attractive. She is able to accept this and delight in it, in a way that she probably wouldn't if I kept complimenting her on her 'big tits'-something where she knows she doesn't measure up in comparison to many of her friends and peers etc. Women learn to make a man feel big. To tell him it is big. If you need modified compliments to be able to enjoy your partner's appreciation of your body, then share that with her.

    But stop obsessing. You have a sexual partner who is satisfied. Fon't push them away with your insecurities.

    I hope some of this is helpful.

    Keep up the good work with your NoFap journey.
  16. Um, thanks, but I'm trying to accept what I have.
    And, honestly, having a small penis feels right to me in a lot of ways - perhaps a reflection of who I am and . . . I love it. :)
    I think we should all try to love our bodies as they are and focus on health more than how we compare to others.
    That said, I still get insecure and crazy triggered by the thought of being able to sexually satisfy my partner.

    Not watching small penis humiliation porn is probably the best thing that I have done to heal from this, as opposed to trying to enlarge what I have.
  17. Why would it be any different than having morning wood with a big penis?

    And no, it does not bother me, other than the sexual urges that come with it sometimes.
    Mostly I love getting morning wood. It's great to see that everything works!

    And, since morning wood for me is almost always a raging hard-on . . . it's the perfect time to measure! :D
  18. You answer it yourself. They lie, so they can use it . Don't ''meditate'' on these thoughts .
    You said you are fine with your size, it's ok really.
    I don't know you, prolly you are not sensing very well women energy. Let's just say with all of my respect, women are manipulative geniuses by birth .
  19. CodeTalker

    CodeTalker Fapstronaut

    Morning wood always bother me a lot. It’s hard to get asleep after that. So sometime I stand up to make the morning wood disappear faster and then go back to bed.
  20. Maybe you should have an open conversation with her about it to find out why she says it and also let her know how it makes you feel. You could also tell her to stop if you wish.
    FellatiousD, +TenPercent and fg4795 like this.

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