Day 4 Think I have caught covid again. Pretty tired after today. I have been going all in on socializing and having to get up early for school is brutal. I am a little over extended right now and will relax this weekend. I have to take another look at my plans. They probably need some adjusting. It wont do me any good if I burn myself out the first few weeks.
Day 155 A chain is as strong as its weakest link. This saying came to mind in regards of my daily PMO process and my habit forming process. If I'm really set to banish PMO from my life, how consistent am I then with building new habits? Keep working on making habits stick and review which ones work and which don't once in a while. Work-out: day 48 It became more and more possible to do what I set out to do. 10 o clock was not a problem this time, as I managed my habits before. Habits don't live in a vacuum, but are responsive and a part of living. Walk: day 55 The waking world is full of activity. Daylight is meant for living until you go to your nest. When the evening sets in, the whole world comes to a rest. Screentime: day 55 Spent 1 hour on Netflix, 1:29 hours on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 14 minutes on the Internet Communication: day 52 The bond between two loved ones is almost sacred. Communication is the glue that holds lovers together and becomes the lubricant when our lives start to slowly drift apart. Meditation: day 145 My day started with a morning meditation. Am thinking of changing the time to better suit my morning rhythm. PMO Study: day 155 Every moment is a moment to truly experience life. And from reading, a slip up is very easily done. Days of abstinence say nothing, as only a cured mind and body counts. For as long as this poison still courses through our veins and corrupts our minds, we are still in the shackles of PMO. Sleep: day 7 A Lot of time was spent tossing and turning, but I eventually fell asleep. Slept well and feel relaxed. Healthy eating: day 9 The first step to a FODMAP meal plan for next week has been made. Dishes have been chosen and I'm meticulously studying the text in the Fiber Fueled cookbook, as it contains a lot of knowledge on the inner workings of your gut. Cold showers: day 55 Building of willpower comes one day at a time. How can I assume I am Wim Hof, if I refuse to take a plunge daily and face my weaknesses?
Sep 8: Day 71 Most days I have had a good amount of stress / anxiety floating around as I've worked to accomplish what I need. I think the anxiety more comes from feeling like there is something im missing, something I'm not thinking about. Some days it feels like my mind is so full and it feels like there are so many things I could forget at any point. Yesterday I finally managed to write out my list, and I am going to hold onto this and maintain I becuase I think it does help me feel a lot less of this stress of trying to hold everything in my mind. Have one thing to go to helps me a lot. Sleep is definitely improving, I'm falling asleep much faster now than I was before. Thankfully it is starting to cool down more in the nights as well. Got some teaching to do and some errands to run today. Hoping to cool down a bit today as well.
GUUUYSSS. I found some accountability support groups, some of them are free. Samson Society; Sex Addicts Anonymous; LiveFreeCommunity; Husband Material; Nofap;
Day 156 What many might not consider when stopping with PMO, is that its not merely stopping PMO. As watching P and acting out has found a place in your life, doing a reboot means to overcome yourself. It's to find new ways to deal with the same emotions which you previously used PMO for. Change your habits in your doing and in your thinking. Change habits in your surroundings by adding something or taking something away, so that you may start to live a new life. Work-out: day 49 A problem was experienced with doing my job which made me cranky. As I was solving the problem, I was late for my appointment with myself to do to a workout at 10 o'clock. Walk: day 56 The evening sky was filled with the sound of laughter of the neighbors and people having a good time. The further I walked away, the more the laughter muted and the more the evening started to speak to me. Screentime: day 56 Spent 15 minutes on Netflix, 2:23 hours on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 7 minutes on the Internet Communication: day 53 By speaking together with genuine openness, it is possible to speak out the hardest problems. However, it is not enough to say that you're open. You really need to be willing to leave your station and find the other. Meditation: day 146 The day started with a meditation. I focused my hearing on the cars rushing on the highway and felt a calmness. The soft sounds that were carried by the wind made me quiet inside. PMO Study: day 156 'Am I really solving my problem?' is the question I was asking myself yesterday. It can feel so good to do all the things we 'are supposed to do' to battle PMO and then be cured, but it doesn't work like that. We need to address the problems that lie beneath. The feelings of rejection and hurt that led us to PMO. Unless they are really free of pain in us (usually done with the help of a professional) we can start to heal in a natural way that doesn't ask for an addiction. Sleep: day 8 As soon as my head hit the pillow, the train left for destination dreamland. I woke up once, but fell asleep easily again. Healthy eating: day 10 My girl cooked a king's meal yesterday and it was very good. Today my preparation for the diet will start and I will buy supplies to feed myself properly next week. Cold showers: day 56 Taking a cold shower is one of the ways to build willpower. The harder it gets, the more willpower you'll build
Day 157 A family event ran late, but it was enjoyable to spend time together. Haven't seen my whole family for years and to see them grown is very enjoyable. My girl came to the event as well and I took her home. We had s in the morning. Not in the evening when we came home from the family. Work-out: day 50 The workout was done and the dumbbell was used. Because of the high temperature, the workout was done comfortably. Walk: day 57 After we arrived home, my girl and I did a late evening walk. No lunchwalk done Screentime: day 57 Spent 15 minutes watching TV at my GFs place, 34 minutes on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 8 minutes on the Internet Communication: day 54 In the car back home, my girl told me I wasn't considerate of her needs. Spent time reminiscing and talking to my family and forgot to take her along and even properly introduce her. Meditation: day 147 The day was started on a stable meditative note. Got my 15 min in asap. PMO Study: day 157 The corruption of PMO is in everything. Not only in how we do something, but especially how we see and think about things. It takes time to rewire our brain. It doesn't happen from 1 day to the next that we're cured, but our fight lies in every day living. Sleep: day 9 My girl pulled away my blankets all of the time (jk) but I fell asleep as a log. Woke up almost 9 hours later. Healthy eating: day 11 The diet that will start tomorrow is a low FODMAP diet (my girl sometimes mixes up NoFap with low FODMAP and has almost told my whole family that I will start a NoFap diet coming monday). Low FODMAP is a diet that you don't do forever, but is really a diet in which you remove all things that might be able to trigger any kind of response and let your body rest a bit. After 3 or 4 weeks you slowly reintroduce foods and measure what happens and which allergies you actually have. Cold showers: day 57 Build the willpower to withstand it
Day 158 My girl stayed over and we had a great lazy Sunday. We walked, talked and just had fun together. No things we had to do, but just an entire day to enjoy each other. Work-out: day 51 A workout was done and I considered to go for a run. It unfortunately was 30 degrees Celsius, so it was far too hot for a run Walk: day 58 My girl and I took a walk in a nearby forest. We deliberately went later, as it would be sure to cool down but it was still hot. Screentime: day 58 Spent 45 minutes watching TV at my GFs place and it messed with my head, 31 minutes on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 14 minutes on the Internet. Not used to watching TV anymore and I felt empty after this time. During the TV time, I was completely focused on the TV, as I am when I'm watching Netflix. Scary. Communication: day 55 We talked about everything yesterday. Sometimes I like to bring in an original question that is a conversation starter. Meditation: day 148 Even with my girl over, I managed to do meditation early on. PMO Study: day 158 As it is said in Your Brain On Porn, the brain of an addict needs to heal. What is different with a P Addict is that it feeds its addiction by merely thinking of P, because thinking of it gives Dopamine shots. Any other substance (like alcohol or coke) needs to be used in other for the addiction to be sustained. Sleep: day 10 I fell asleep like a log, but slept terribly. Too hot too handle. Healthy eating: day 12 The diet today will start off easily and will build up this week. Low FODMAP all the way! Cold showers: day 58 With this weather, I don't mind taking cold showers. It is the idea to build the willpower to withstand it
Day 159 A lot of preparation had to be done for today as I have bought a new bed and will clean the carpet in my bedroom with my girl. This will make sure that the new bed is enjoyed to the fullest. By the way I finished 'Where the crawdads sing' by Delia Owens. Was a good and enjoyable book. Work-out: day 52 The dumbbell workout was picked up fully and an immediate change could be felt in the tension of my muscles. Walk: day 59 Two walks were done. One at lunchtime and one before bed. Screentime: day 59 Spent 1 hour watching Netflix, 2:16 hour on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 13 minutes on the Internet. Communication: day 56 We spoke about the need for good communication. Sometimes when I'm hungry, I forget to communicate. Meditation: day 149 Three sessions of meditation. First session started in my reading room. PMO Study: day 159 Keeping the door closed is most important in the reboot. Make sure that you don't allow yourself any leeway. This will heal your Brain the soonest. Sleep: day 11 It was too hot to fall asleep immediately and I spent some time tossing and turning. Healthy eating: day 13 I started my new diet lightly and will build it up this week. Feel good Cold showers: day 59 Keep on keeping on is the only way to go.
Day 160 New bed is installed and my girl and I already christened it by being intimate on it. I woke up with slight discomfort in my back, but perhaps I still need to get used to the new mattress. Work-out: day 53 Before every shower, I have set out to do 10 push ups in order to get pushups into my routine. It works! Walk: day 60 My walk before bed was lovely with the weather being cooled off. Screentime: day 60 Spent 15 minutes watching Netflix, 57 min on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 18 minutes on the Internet. Communication: day 57 During the whole cleaning, we had some moments of difficulty. We were both hot and exhausted and that doesn't bring out the best of people. Meditation: day 150 Two sessions of meditation. First session started in my reading room. PMO Study: day 160 I read that when you want to change your life, you need to change your behavior. When you want to get rid of your addiction, change your habits and how you do things. I started to notice that it is in small behaviors where I still exhibit addict behavior. When watching TV or Netflix, I am still very much drawn into it. This is an example of this kind of behavior. Sleep: day 12 I have a new mattress so I was getting used to it first. My girl stayed over and she had no problems falling asleep. Healthy eating: day 14 Because of yesterday's busy day, I was a bit easier on my diet but still ate a healthy lunch. Cold showers: day 60 Taking cold showers had become part of my routine.
Day 161 My girl stayed over 2 days ago and spent yesterday here with me. She had to work so I transformed my study room to her throne room. I plugged her laptop in when she was taking a shower and made sure she had a watercooker and some tea for the day. I brought her treats and lunch and she really appreciated it. Maybe even a bit too much, as she was easily distracted and used the distraction to talk about holidays with me. Work-out: day 54 I'm getting 20 to 25 push ups in every day because I'm doing them before my shower. I did a dumbbell routine yesterday as well, but when my routine is a bit off, this is usually the first thing that falls off. Walk: day 61 Skipped my lunchwalk and took an evening stroll with my girl. Screentime: day 61 Spent 40 minutes watching Netflix, 9 min on Whatsapp (chatting with my mom) and 7 minutes on the Internet. Communication: day 58 We spent some time after dinner to speak things through and to rehash some difficult moments from yesterday. I notice that as soon as it becomes too much I say that I find everything getting 'too much'. That feeling goes away, but I always have the tendency to walk away from things than to face them heads on. Meditation: day 151 Two sessions of meditation. First session started in my reading room. PMO Study: day 161 Walking away from difficulty and not knowing how to deal with difficult moments has been one reason to succumb to PMO in the past. The behaviors stick and need tracking down. Those behaviors need to be looked at and need to be uncovered so you can start to work on it. Sleep: day 13 Turns out that my girl had difficulty falling asleep 2 days ago because of my new bed. She slept 3 hours, but I slept a solid 8. She woke up and went downstairs at 3 AM and I didn't hear anything. Healthy eating: day 15 Slowly implementing healthier foods into my diet. Takes a bit of discipline to make the switch. Cold showers: day 61 The cold waters of the shower has made me stronger. Every difficult moment, every cold stream has hardened my willpower.
Sep 15 day 78: Feels nice to see the days count up. I think about posting most days but I think also I like to see big leaps as opposed to small ones daily. I like the shock of remembering me thinks. I feel very good. Stressed, anxious, but solid. I feel I am getting to know my path better and am excited to continue to live a life where I am no longer using my energies devoted towards my own sense gratification but can instead transform them into something higher. This is still a long path, but I feel enlivened in taking it up and each day strengthened by this will of spirit which seems more a gift than a product of some willpower I own. It has become so natural, things have begun to flow. I have complete trust and my vision becomes more and more centered. Lust floats around in the river at the back of my mind, but never comes to center stage. Never overwhelms me. I am secure in my path. This is not to say I couldn’t choose to end it at any moment. At any moment I could upend this whole thing. Just a few words in a search bar, a walk to the gas station etc. etc. but no. I simply choose to stay on the path and I am secure. I am made secure by my devotion to the path. Something like this. It is truly, truly beautiful. to cultivate the most honest energies. The most powerful energies. To trust your spirit in the care of your most overwhelming energies. It is very beautiful to decide to plant a seed and facilitate the growth of your Eros if you will. Expelling them, while an easy way to manage them, leaves one without an essential piece of their practice. You are not able to commit your whole self. But when one practices discipline in this regard, nothing is left behind. That is of course if this is all they were doing out of their restlessness. My condition has been more complex also. I have had to pull many pieces together. I had many addictions and neuroses. And still do, but they are smaller. They do not run the show anymore. And now that they are aligned, put into proper place, it is awesome. And it can be done. There is still more to do, but feeling good. really focusing on rising earlier and getting proper rest. Also contending with the silence more often.
Day 162 Had a studious day yesterday, as I used the time I had to catch up on an e-learning that I'm doing. Met my girl yesterday for a long evening walk and went back home and cooked dinner Work-out: day 55 My dumbbell routine is growing. I try to squeeze in one more rep for every set. It's also good to see that push ups work for me and that it's easy to fit into my schedule. Walk: day 62 Went on my lunchwalk and enjoyed the sun. Screentime: day 62 Spent 20 minutes watching Netflix, 1:57 hour on Whatsapp (chatting with my mom) and 15 minutes on the Internet. Communication: day 59 We spent some time speaking things through. I had a bit of anxiety in the supermarket and my girl saw that. She asked about it and I said that there was one moment where it occurred. She'd prefer me say it upfront. Meditation: day 152 Two sessions of meditation. First session started, as usual, in my reading room. PMO Study: day 162 Defensiveness is one way our brain is protecting certain things in us. It is however not so easy to stop defensiveness without bringing it inside. When it's inside, it's burning you up. It really requires introspection and outer action. Not only in PMO, but in all related behaviors in life. Sleep: day 14 Slept like a log, but I feel tired waking up. Slept a long time, but I'm still tired. Healthy eating: day 16 Have made the habit to skip eating sugar on some days while I'm implementing my new diet. It's a bit tough to resist sugar sometimes, as it's everywhere. I now say that I won't eat sugar on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Cold showers: day 62 Still building on my willpower. Going well
Day 163 Took half a day off and spent the first half talking with business coaches. The local government supports small business and subsidizes coaching and educational programs for local start ups. Around lunchtime, I picked up my lovely girlfriend and took her to a cat cafe in the city. Didn't know what to expect, but think this is the perfect place for the crazy cat ladies. It was a nice place to sit, but all the cats were asleep. Work-out: day 56 Did my routine and did 25 push-ups. Walk: day 63 Skipped the lunchwalk, but am making plans to either keep doing them at 12 or to do it earlier when I have other plans at 12. Took my evening stroll. Screentime: day 63 Spent 38 minutes watching Netflix, 2:10 hour on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 39 minutes on the Internet (looking for a romantic getaway) Communication: day 60 We spent a lot of time talking about behavior that is done out of fear. It takes the first step to overcome the fear entirely and then it is easier to implement. Meditation: day 153 Two sessions of meditation. First session started, as usual, in my reading room. Second session was nice and long! PMO Study: day 163 Fear to be alone, the fear not to be liked and the sadness that come with these feelings have led me to PMO in the past. Usually many of these feelings lead us to PMO as we think it gives us a bittersweet escape. However, it doesn't. It makes things far more difficult by walking away than by facing them. I noticed the fear of having triggers on the street a few days ago when I was with my girl. I force myself to look away when people pass by so as to not be tempted, but that makes me more anxious. When I allow myself to just look without that anxiety, realizing I'm looking at a human being with hopes and dreams, all the anxiety flows away. Sleep: day 15 Slept long, but still tired. Still getting used to the new mattress. Healthy eating: day 17 Am more aware of my eating pattern and still making steps to implement a healthier breakfast. I want to make it easy, because I want to make this habit stick. That's why I'm not harsh upon myself when it doesn't work. I'm just finding a way that works for me, so I can stick with it. Cold showers: day 63 It keeps on building
Today I had a PAA (Porn addicts anonymous) meeting. It`s free and I highly recommend it to all of you. It`s a 12-step program. Unfortunately, today I also relapsed, but one of the missions I got on the meeting was to achieve a 7-day streak. And so... I DO MY BEST TO STAY 7 DAYS OFF PORN! Fuck, I`m not going to lie, I`m in a really dark place mentally. I have a nagging voice telling me to take my own life. It was great to finally find some help, a support group, but those guys were in their forties, one of them is 68 years old, and so I`m like: fuck, am I going to struggle with this addiction my whole life?
I think you're lucky to be in this group so early on. Most guys have struggled all there life with it. I hope you will feel better soon and move into a better mental place.
