Day 164 Picked up my girl and we spent some nice time together. First at her place because she cooked delicious food for me. Later we went to my place and cooked dinner. She stayed over. Work-out: day 57 Did my dumbbell routine, did 20 push-ups and went for a 5 km run. Walk: day 64 My girl and I took a nice evening stroll and I noticed that I'm sore from the run. Screentime: day 64 Spent 19 minutes watching Netflix, 46 minutes on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 46 minutes on the Internet (don't exactly know anymore why I spent so long on the internet) Communication: day 61 We again spent time talking about behavior that is done out of fear. I reacted defensively to something and it triggered her to become more tenacious. I could let it go and I could see that my defensiveness came from undealt with anger. Meditation: day 154 Two sessions of meditation. First session started, as usual, in my reading room. Second session was later in the evening. PMO Study: day 164 Defensiveness is a veil that prevents me from being open. When this is experienced, there is something wrong and learning to be had. Usually defensiveness would lead to self pity and self pity would lead to PMO. Good to prevent self pity in me as much as possible. Sleep: day 16 Slept long with my girl but still tired and I have a backache. It is said that it takes some time before you are used to a new mattress. Healthy eating: day 18 Good that I have made a small habit. That I have decided to not eat sugar on off days. This is the basis for my new eating pattern. Cold showers: day 64 It keeps on going and I keep on building
Day 165 My girl stayed over the day before yesterday and I brought her back home yesterday at the beginning of the afternoon. We lingered around a bit in the morning and took a nice long forest walk in the afternoon Work-out: day 58 Did 20 pushups. Am thinking to broaden my dumbbell workout and apply my running routine more often. By the way, the running routine om Saturday was really nice: I ran for 17 minutes, walked the rest and took some minutes to still run in between the walking. I was busy for about an hour. Walk: day 65 My girl took a forest walk in the same place where I ran the day before. I closed off my evening with a evening stroll. Screentime: day 65 Spent 36 minutes watching Netflix, 1:09 hours on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 23 minutes on the Internet Communication: day 62 It was lovely to spend time with my girl, but also to learn how to communicate with her in a neutral, mature way. Am reading the book 'How to win friends and influence people' from Dale Carnegie and it shows me to be a much better communicator by putting my feelings and needs second, but to really listen and be interested in the other. Meditation: day 155 Two sessions of meditation. First session started at 3 o clock, as I skipped it in the morning. Second session was later in the evening. PMO Study: day 165 I feel I have transformed my life completely in these 165 days of rebooting. Before I used to PMO, watch Youtube for 3 hours straight, do Netflix until late and couldn't have any kind of routine in my life. I found it impossible to read a book back then. The small steps that I have set have allowed me to build a routine in my life where PMO is not a part of and which has built habits which are supportive to my life and to the life my girl and I are building. I'm off Youtube, watch an average of 15 minutes of Netflix a day and have just finished my 9th book of the last 3 months. I eat well, I sleep well and my life is very disciplined (despite me being convinced that discipline was just not for me) Sleep: day 17 Slept okay. Slept long hours, but woke up some times. Healthy eating: day 19 I indulged myself in sugary candies and regretted it afterwards. I was bloated and my stomach was rumbling like it was WWII Cold showers: day 65 I don't have feelings regarding the coolness anymore. It's a great way to build willpower in this way
Day 166 It was a job day again and I caught up on the specialization course that I'm doing. It's wearing me out a bit, as there so much info and I don't yet know where to place all that. Work-out: day 59 Did my dumbbell routine and did 20 push ups. Trying to work in 1 minute of running every day into my schedule. Let's see how that goes. Walk: day 66 Took my lunch walk and did my evening stroll. Screentime: day 66 Spent 22 minutes watching Netflix, 2:51 hours on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 16 minutes on the Internet Communication: day 63 Good to speak to my lovely girlfriend. Have started reading Out of the Doghouse and Worthy of Her Trust. It's letting me know how I can understand her better in what I had done. Meditation: day 156 Three sessions of meditation! First session started at 7 AM. PMO Study: day 166 When reading in Out of The Doghouse, the writer speaks of rigorous honesty and gives an example of a man who has cheated on his spouse. They go into therapy and they both agree to be rigorously honest. One day, the wife asks her man to bring out the trash. He responds that he will do so. When she comes back in the evening, he has forgotten to bring out the trash. As he is afraid that she will get angry, he does it secretly. She catches him and they break up. It is important to be rigorously honest and not about 'looking good' when doing it. This will let the wife and the relationship heal. Sleep: day 18 Slept meh. Slept long hours, but am still tired. Healthy eating: day 20 I was eating healthy, except for some cookies. Today I will not eat sugar again. Cold showers: day 66 Good building up. See that I'm so much further now than 66 days ago
Day 1 I fell far since my last check in. I broke my arm while arm wrestling about 2 weeks ago. I was hospitalized for 5 days and went trough a surgery. I have been sleeping a lot, I got thrown out of my good flow. I am depressed and had to adjust my education goals. The only thing I have going for me right now is that I am loosing weight. Not intentionally. I quit following my diet but I am still loosing weight simply because making food is a hassle. I am checking in to keep myself accountable again. I have no idea why I got struck with misfortune like this at the worst possible time but I believe that things have some sort of logic in the end. The world isnt here to make me happy, it is here to awaken me.
Day 167 Met a new business coach yesterday and spent talking with her for 2 hours. Unfortunately didn't communicate clearly with my girlfriend, so there were some expectations and some let downs. Good to notice and good to move on. Work-out: day 60 Did my dumbbell routine and did 20 push ups. Didn’t go for my lunchwalk and my 1 minute of running. Today is a new opportunity! Walk: day 67 Took my evening stroll in the late evening.. Screentime: day 67 Spent 22 minutes watching Netflix, 55 minutes on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 9 minutes on the Internet Communication: day 64 Didn't communicate so well with my girl. Wanted to take her along to my businesscoach appointment, but I was late in the end and let my girl know that I would pick her up after my appointment. She arranged her work in such a way that she could come with me and she was disappointed. Meditation: day 157 Two sessions of meditation. First session started at 7 AM. PMO Study: day 167 All books that speak about healing relationship trust speak of honesty and good communication. However, that is exactly the thing that I find very difficult. I am trying to find out how to communicate clearly so I don't leave the door open for my girl to think of other things. Sleep: day 19 Slept still meh. Slept very long today, but the mattress is still getting used to. Healthy eating: day 21 No sugar yesterday! Didn't take effort, because I had some Monday. Today I can eat sugar, but I don't feel like eating it. Let's see how it goes. Cold showers: day 67 It is a nice build up.
Day 168 Chose the business coach from Monday to help me start my business. Yesterday my parents visited me and my girl stayed over. I got my new bed last week and my dad helped me bring away the old bed to the dump. My mom is doing a diet which helps her with the pains in her body. She is restricted from eating all kinds of food that might lead to inflammations in the body. I made a club sandwich for my dad, my girl and myself and my mom was eating her salad. Work-out: day 61 Did my dumbbell routine and did 20 push ups. It was so busy, so I didn't have the opportunity to do my lunch walk with 1 minute running. I know it's good to make an implementation plan for my habits, but I haven't done that for this one yet. Walk: day 68 Took my evening stroll in the evening before my evening meditation. Screentime: day 68 Spent 17 minutes watching Netflix, 30 minutes on Whatsapp (chatting with my mom) and 6 minutes on the Internet Communication: day 65 We spoke about right communication and I figure that I miss the right input to think about it progressively. Can someone recommend a book that gives me a method to communicate more reliably in a transparent way? Meditation: day 158 One session of meditation. Only a 10 minute session at 10 PM PMO Study: day 168 Started reading Worthy of Her Trust. I understand that one of the writers has experience of doing PMO and betraying his wife, so it's a good book to read. I bounce off the language a bit, as the writer is writing that God granted him the chance to change his life as a sinner. I try to read on, but still need to see how much this will start to irk me. Sleep: day 20 Slept okay. Woke up early and got into action. Healthy eating: day 22 It was my sugar day yesterday and I had a cookie. No sugar cravings for the rest of the day. Not like Sunday. Cold showers: day 68 It is good to experiment to continue to build willpower.
Day 169 Had a good day yesterday. No special things, just work. Doing a course to professionalise myself further. Had a good talk with my girl. She said that I came across far more friendly in conversations. She sees that I'm progressing in that. It's sometimes finding a way in it and realizing how much help someone gives. Work-out: day 62 Did my dumbbell routine, my 20 'shower' push ups and the minute of running. Walk: day 69 Took a nice lunchwalk and a good evening stroll before my evening meditation. Screentime: day 69 Spent 40 minutes watching Netflix, 1:52 hours on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 15 minutes on the Internet Communication: day 66 I'm thinking of making communication habits towards my girl. Habits that show that 'I'm putting the legos on the sculpture of trust' as they call it in Worthy of Her Trust. This analogy works for me and I see every action as something that either makes or breaks the trust of my girl. Meditation: day 159 Three sessions of meditation. 45 mins of meditation. PMO Study: day 169 Started reading Worthy of Her Trust. I came to understand that building trust is a very long, but worthwhile process. As I said before, I need to place legos on the sculpture of trust until my girl 'knows' that she can trust me again. The writer said that time, but also repeated action towards your partner where you deliberately choose for her, will help build trust. I think he is very right about it. Sleep: day 21 Slept well. Woke up at 3.to.go to the toilet, but slept well anyway. Got into action early Healthy eating: day 23 No sugar yesterday, at least I thought so. However, I made myself a spinach carrot smoothie with banana and apple. Bananas and apples contain a lot of sugar. Cold showers: day 69 Build the willpower and keep finding the edge.
Day 170 Had a workday yesterday. Nice and quiet and continued with my course. It's becoming a bit of a drag, as the course reading is so long. I'm out of Dopamine halfway the article and start to get distracted. However, its a good practice to stay focused, so I press on. In the evening I went to my girl's place. We were intimate, but didn't O. Work-out: day 63 Did my dumbbell routine and my 20 'shower' push ups. Have some pain in my knees, so didn't do my minute run. Will go to the doctor on Monday. Walk: day 70 Took a lunchwalk and took a short but nice evening stroll with my girl before going home and doing my evening meditation. Screentime: day 70 Spent 30 minutes watching Netflix, 1:52 hours on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 32 minutes on the Internet (looking for a healthy recipe for dinner) Communication: day 67 Worthy of Her Trust made me think that every action I'm doing towards my girl either builds trust or destroys it. I told her about this way of thinking and the book and she is happy to see this kind of behavior. Meditation: day 160 Three sessions of meditation. 45 mins of meditation. PMO Study: day 170 All of our reboot journeys start messy. We know where we came from and this is our starting point. Whether we were married, having a gf or single, we all need to struggle with our addiction by ourselves. Certain things, like distrust in relationships or depressions, are difficult to overcome and you need professional counseling to get yourself through it. Sleep: day 22 Slept long. Woke up at 3:30 again to go to the toilet. I go to bed at 10:30 PM every night and it does me well. Healthy eating: day 24 It was a sugar day yesterday and I had 2 cookies. I regretted it immediately as the cookie was so incredibly sweet that it almost hurt my teeth. Cold showers: day 70 Keep on keeping on.
Yeah, absolutely. The program is run by two recovered porn addicts, and so I'm truly lucky. A few years ago there was no information about this addiction at all, it was much more difficult back then. I really appreciate your support man, it means a lot. And fuck, you made it dude! THAT'S AWESOME!
Day 171 I had an easy day yesterday which I spent reading, cleaning and baking cookies for a picknick with my girl today. Was planning to go for a run, but my knees don't feel right, so I will await the advice of the doctor on Monday. I have a board on which I remind myself of my routines and I decided to make a start to rewrite it. This to keep my routines fresh Work-out: day 64 Did my 20 shower push ups and decided to give my body a rest and not to do a workout. Walk: day 71 Came home late and did a short evening stroll. Screentime: day 71 Spent 1 hour watching Netflix, 2:04 hours on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 19 minutes on the Internet (following a cookie recipe) Communication: day 68 I was open towards my girl. Since reading Worthy of Her Trust, something started to click in me. The writer has had experience himself and speaks from that. I can feel that. Other books are from CSATs who have a lot of experience treating it, but didn't have to struggle through it themselves. Meditation: day 161 Three sessions of meditation. 30 mins of meditation. PMO Study: day 171 In Worthy of Her Trust, the writer says that sex for an addicted man is not for intimacy, but mainly for getting his fix. He uses the lady to get himself off. However, true intimacy, and a 'soul connection' as he calls it, is usually deeper and brings sex to a new level. I feel that this has happened between me and my girl and that our relationship has become much stronger. Sleep: day 23 Was very cold. Woke up regularly and went back to sleep again. Think I have a cold. Healthy eating: day 25 I was managing my meals yesterday and managed not to eat any sugar. No cravings. Cold showers: day 71 It's getting colder and I notice that I have more difficulty taking cold showers if I woke up cold.
Thanks, but I have not made anything yet. Relapse is still moments away. I had this addiction for 23 years, so it will not be gone in 171 days
Day 172 Picked up my girl yesterday morning and we had a lovely morning picnic together. I took her back home, we were intimate (but didn't O) and still went out for a long walk. Before I brought her back home, we went out for a quick bite and had some nice quality time. Still need to rewrite my routines on the board. Work-out: day 65 Did my dumbbell workout and my shower push ups. Also decided to do 1 push up before I go to the toilet. Walk: day 72 Walked in the forest with my girl and had my evening stroll. Screentime: day 72 Didn't watch Netflix, 1:09 hours on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 13 minutes on the Internet Communication: day 69 Communicating was not a problem. It feels like a switch has flicked in how I was speaking to my girl and I decided to change it. She keeps on saying that I'm suddenly much more open for her words and that's true. Meditation: day 162 Two sessions of meditation. 35 mins of meditation. PMO Study: day 172 In Worthy of Her Trust, the writer says that an addicted man manipulates his partner into thinking that it is her fault that he is not interested in having sex with her. All the while he is addicted and tries to get out of her finding out. She, in turn, starts to try to save the marriage by doing things she doesn't want to. It usually ends up in resentment towards the other and resentment Sleep: day 24 Made up my bed with a thick blanket. Slept like a King. Healthy eating: day 26 Had some sugar on the picnic and a dessert when eating out.. Cold showers: day 72 It's time to see how I can make more steps in this process, as I feel like I'm repeating myself.
Day 173 Had a good working day yesterday. However, I felt like I was continually behind schedule. It was a matter of letting go, because I became a bit cranky. Doctor said I had a slight injury in my knee and in the front part of my gluteus maximus muscle. He advised me to go to a physiotherapist who can see whether my way of walking is okay. Work-out: day 66 My dumbbell workout, shower push ups and toilet push ups work great. Before I go to the toilet (mind you, I drink 3 liters of water every day) I do 1 push up. Walk: day 73 Took a lunchwalk, a bike ride to the doctor and an evening stroll. Screentime: day 73 Watched 30 minutes of Netflix, 1:58 hours on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 17 minutes on the Internet Communication: day 70 I was a bit impatient yesterday, as I felt constantly behind. My girl noticed that and asked me to leave it behind. Meditation: day 163 Three sessions of meditation. 45 mins of meditation. PMO Study: day 173 In Worthy of Her Trust, the writer says that there is a great misunderstanding with pastors who advice on this matters. They would always turn to the woman and ask them to 'take care of themselves' in such a way that a man may stay interested. It is done with good intention, but is totally unfair for the lady who already feels like sht. Sleep: day 25 Overslept this morning. I slept for 10 hours straight. Healthy eating: day 27 Not so much sugar, only a cookie. Today is not a sugar day. Cold showers: day 73 I turn the dial colder and colder and my body gets used to it.
Day 174 Picked up my girl yesterday and we had some nice talks together. We cuddled but we didn't have sex. I was still impatient from the day and tough talks don't usually help me to become more patient. However, I was able to control myself and be loving and patient with my girl. Work-out: day 67 Did my dumbbell workout at 10:30 AM. Had no problem to do my shower and toilet push ups. Walk: day 74 Took a lunchwalk, a bike ride to the supermarket and an evening stroll with my girl. Screentime: day 74 Watched 30 minutes of Netflix, 0:58 hours on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 9 minutes on the Internet Communication: day 71 Could communicate with my girl with patience and understanding. Book Worthy of Her Trust has flicked a switch in wanting to be understanding towards my girl. Meditation: day 164 Two sessions of meditation. 15 mins of meditation. PMO Study: day 174 In Worthy of Her Trust, the writer speaks of some myths which couples believe in the healing process. One myth I believed myself was that if both parties could be loving, open and forgiving, all would be over sooner. I see now that it was selfish to think that, as the lady has a trauma to process and this comes with all kind of emotions that fly around your ears. This happens until she naturally feels that she is done with it and sees the other moving towards building trust Sleep: day 26 Went to bed on time. Slept like a King. Healthy eating: day 28 No sugar! Had some bloating after eating a dish with goat cheese. Might want to cut down on the cheese. Cold showers: day 74 I just keep going.
Sep 27: Day 90 Damn it's been a minute since I logged in. Time is a strange one. I've been periodically checking in and thought I'd post for day 90. Really happy with the progress I made and so glad I begun on day 1. 90 Days is short and long, it all collapses into memory now. Today was a strange day though, I didn't get up when I usually do. I've been rising earlier and really like to make the sunrise. I realized by waking up later it just kinda threw me off for the whole day and I've had a hard time focusing and accomplishing anything. A lot of restlessness, sometimes confusion. I am working through it. In other news, I am feeling quite confident about some of my applications. I have a paper to write this evening, which I'm hoping to accomplish after posting this. I've been playing a lot of harmonium and singing as well. I am reading Thich Nhat Hanh's The Heart of the Buddha, as well as The Bhagavad Gita. I miss my early mornings. Looking forward to an early morning tomorrow. I think honestly looking forward to the end of this week. Saturday should be nice. This is a great forum, -- to anyone read this please continue to contribute. It's good to see everyone's checkins. I think I'll start to check in a bit more often.
Day 175 I thought I had (at least a bit of) a flatline. The past few days, I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to complete my course and would do it for hours on end. This resulted in being tired and not initiating s. The last two days I've been feeling really tired, but I've slept an average of 9,5 hours each night. Now that I'm building my company, doing that course feels good, because I think I'm really doing something. The pressure to get results and to achieve something is something I 'should' look at. Work-out: day 68 Was able to do my workout at 10, to do my 20 shower push ups and to do a lot of toilet push ups. Walk: day 75 Took a lunch walk and an evening stroll. Screentime: day 75 Watched 40 minutes of Netflix (finished the serie Liebes Kind), 1:27 hours on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 16 minutes on the Internet. Communication: day 72 I once again could be patient and forthcoming with my girl. Meditation: day 165 Three sessions of meditation. 31 mins of meditation. PMO Study: day 175 Everybody's reboot journey is different. The result and the sequence is different for everyone and noone can predict what will happen when. Some experience intense withdrawal symptoms very early, but I just feel very quiet inside. Sleep: day 27 Went to bed a bit late. Slept very long, but woke up rested. Healthy eating: day 29 Ate three cookies and a very healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner. Next week, I will cut Wednesday as a sugar day and see what happens. Cold showers: day 75 More, more. Colder, colder!
Day 176 Had my first business coaching session yesterday. The session was fun and I still have much to learn. I believe that this coaching (which is heavily subsidized by the government) helps me further to understand what I want to offer in my business and how to do that. Met with my girl for lunch and we ate a sandwich in the city center. Although she had to go back to work, it was great seeing her. Work-out: day 69 As I had coaching in the morning, I couldn't do my workout at 10, but did it at 3 PM. Did my 20 shower push ups and my toilet push ups. Have an appointment with the physiotherapist next week to see how to adjust my walk to not have aches in my knees anymore. Walk: day 76 Took a afternoon walk and an evening stroll. Screentime: day 76 Watched 20 minutes of Netflix, 1:54 hours on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 25 minutes on the Internet. Communication: day 73 My girl pointed out very important features she saw in me about what I told her about the coaching. It was not comfortable to hear, but I know it will ultimately make me a stronger man. I need to keep my head in the game. Meditation: day 166 Two sessions of meditation. 26 mins of meditation. PMO Study: day 176 Read in Worthy of Her Trust. The writer touches upon a very important point which he names Spiritual Fervency. He says that the reason to rebuild trust is not because you want to be that person for your partner, but because you want to be that person for God/ a higher power. That you build your character to be reliable and trustworthy, so G can build upon you. When you do that, the trust of your partner might come back as well, but she sees you rebuilding the relationship with God. Sleep: day 28 Slept well. Have a slight neck ache. Healthy eating: day 30 Ate a healthy breakfast and had a low FODMAP dinner. Followed a recipe, but it used sugar. Tasted alright, but the sugar really took away a lot of the savory goodness that this dish had. Cold showers: day 76 Every day a bit colder
Day 177 Had some deep talks with my girl. I have been focusing on this stupid course for the past month, because I thought I'd be awesome for doing that. However, it sucks away my energy. Decided to block Coursera, Udemy etc. Will read books and practice my skills with workbooks from paper. They still work the best anyway. Work-out: day 70 Did my workout, my 20 shower push ups and my toilet push ups. Still going strong Walk: day 77 Took my lunch walk and a long evening stroll. Screentime: day 77 Watched 47 minutes of Netflix, 1:52 hours on Whatsapp (chatting with my girl) and 14 minutes on the Internet. Communication: day 74 My girl said that she really enjoyed my open way of communication for the last two months, but noticed that I was impatient and defensive yesterday. She felt that me staying patient and calm would rebuild trust in my actions sooner. I think she is right, because my defensiveness only compounds the hurt. Meditation: day 167 Three sessions of meditation. 53 mins of meditation. PMO Study: day 177 Read in Worthy of Her Trust. In continuance of Spiritual Fervency, the writer says that rebuilding your relationship with God / a higher power will indirectly rebuild your relationship with your partner in a very healthy way. It can be seen that you become a more loving, helpful and patient person and it is an indicator for everyone to see that, if you spend your time on serving, you do not spend it on doing other stuff. Sleep: day 29 Slept like an angel. Woke up 3 times, as I needed to pee Healthy eating: day 31 Yesterday was a sugar day and I took my opportunity. I went to the store and bought myself a delicious cookie. I ate it and enjoyed it. Needless to.say, my gut didn't enjoy it. Cold showers: day 77 Every day a step. And 1 step at a time
