Relapsed last night. Started with being fearful, thinking about my wife coming back from a short trip. She's needed some space before engaging with me on having recently discovered that I'd been hiding and lying about 25 years of PMO. I'm pretty sure she's ready to talk now. Fear turned into self loathing. I started with a soft core film, then discovered a streaming channel that had lots of them. I edged for at least 5 hours.
Today, has been tough for me too...I stopped myself from going back to the old habit at-least twice. Stress is the biggest factor to turn to P My wife is on a 6 weeks yoga program to India and will be back in Oct 2nd week. Interestingly I started this nofap journey during her absence. Maybe her absence/void created space for self reflection. I love her very much...its tough without her. I want to be a little better man by the time she returns.
Well, after just over a 100 days, I relapsed yesterday in the early morning. There is a lot more detail in my journal if folks want to know what caused it, but long story short: I was imagining some weird sex thing with my wife and I caught myself doing something almost automatic without even thinking about it. I stopped, but it was M. It also forced me to get honest and realize that M isn't just an intentional session of M with O etc, but that there are little things here and there, that, if I'm not paying attention, also count as M. This relapse forced me to get honest, get to confession, and I'm ready to start again, but with a much stronger idea of what I'm up against. Old habits really do die hard. Relapse aside: it's so good to see so many new members. Welcome everyone who is new!! And thanks for clearing the deck of non-posters, @persona2903, so we can have active members! Here's the journal for anyone who wants the longer account; I did my best to keep it broad and not graphic. Thanks all.
Well said. I am powerless over PMO. Once I get the full-on urge to do it, I have no personal agency anymore, I've almost literally lost myself. I need to remember that I do have power over "little things here and there."
I can tell you i have felt like that many times in the past. When I joined the process of recovery I learned that, "I am powerless over the PMO" is always the first step. ( humility and surrender of ego is always the first step) Then I learned that the next step is one of faith, and recognition, that even though i (the small i) do not have the capacity to stop this behavior, there is a power, principal which you may call it Grace, God or intelligence beyond my own mental capacity that If i could tap into, it could restore me to my original state of harmony and peace. I had to think long and hard about each of the above steps and journal and contemplate them so they become a conscious activity. To really see how helpless I was was actually a relief. To truley believe that there is a greater power (which is rising the sun, and feeding the birds, and has created me and is beating my heart) was also a sense of inner joy and release. Then the next step was to make a decision to surrender my will to this Higher Mind, Self Being. and then it followed by searching my mind for all the resentment and anger I had towards anyone and start to make amends for each being I have harmed and let go of all the offense others have done to me. (If i felt i had already forgiven everyone I would start to notice small annoyances towards my partner or towards the global leaders or criminals, I would just think of any wrong doors in the world and star to pray for their peace and release) When i was doing the steps I had major doubts but I didnt let them stop me. After going through it sincerely and as best as I could and a new faculty was seemly added to my being. The faculty of feeling an inner peace in face of temptation, only requirement was the willingness to go into prayer and silence. and keep my silence and meditation practice (and other disciplines) in check the best i could. I started to notice when I am triggered by something, I didn't need so much power to resist it, i only needed "a little willingness" to close my eyes, and sincerely pray. "Dear Infinite Love, I am now tempted, I remind myself that it is not a pleasure I seek but fulfillment and I know there is no fulfillment in lust. I am remembering that your being is my fulfillment, You said if i seek you and knock the door opens so I am here at your door, helpless like an orphan child yet i am not an orphan you are my source I am yours. Heal me I am willing to die to my personal likes, lead me." If this is done with a sincere heart watch the warmth and inner peace that is immediately followed by such prayer. Then to "seal the prayer" one just sits in quietness as if God is speaking to me in silence. Ignoring all thoughts. There is usually a pleasant feeling present. Its like the pain of lust is transformed into an inner warmth and peacefulness which is hard to describe. and then I go about my day. This has been the process for me.
Hello everyone, checking in. Grateful to hit the 100+ milestone again, seems to be getting easier over time to do so, though lust as a general vice continues to be something I'm always grappling with. My main strategies continue to be more or less the same and I find them to be very effective: -form a strong intention and energize that intention with right thinking and self-reminders about why I'm doing this. Specifically, how PMO is such a hindrance to my greater becoming, and how its avoidance is an important key to actualizing my potential as a man. -No matter how horny I am, I do not touch my genitals. Only reason to ever touch is to adjust them because of discomfort. No other reason is ever valid. Doing so is a slippery slope and almost always culminates in PMO, sooner or later. -Manage my stress and negative emotions through prayer, meditation and rigorous physical activity. Couple of things I need to work a lot on: -Sensory Restraint - especially with respect to women. I.e. lowering my gaze, not leering at gorgeous women -Reducing screen time -Reducing fantasies
I'm sorry to hear about your relapse. I've found you can't negotiate with this habit. I too have realized that just one video can lead to hours of videos. I would encourage you to start setting some ground rules for yourself. If you look in my signature, there is a link to my personal rules for my life. That may give you a place to start.
Thank you so much for this. I've always had some resistance to the 12-step approach (although I was in SA for over 10 years) because I could never fully arrive at an understanding of higher power - something I could truly surrender to. The way you've internalized each of the steps is really helpful to see, and hopeful, too. There's a lot to think about here. Thanks again.
I came off social media a couple of months ago and it worked wonders for my inner calm. Likewise, I stopped watching/reading news and stopped being so agitated. I figured I'll find out anything I need to know organically and it worked - I found out the queen had died while I was in Asda
Try not to think of a higher power as being something outside of you. It’s really that place that you call “I”. When we’re really precise with our self enquiry we can see clearly that we are not our body, our thoughts, etc, but that which is aware of all objects. Once it becomes clear that we are the aware presence we can explore the nature of that awareness, and recognise its boundless and eternal state. That’s the higher power - it is you unencumbered by ego.
Thank you for your openness and sincerity, it is a great help to us! Something happens with your counter, I can't see it.
Welcome to @IntenselyOrdinary @Sparco10 @vybornyIn keeping with the good tradition of the group, we hope you will tell us something about your life and fight against PM. The ranking of post 1 is updated and the group is complete again, those who request to enter will enter the waiting list.
Obviously the last week has been bad...almost half of the group has had a relapse. Maybe it is the month we are in, since September is usually a depressing month for many people. For the northern hemisphere, it is the beginning of autumn, the shortest days, the longest nights... The end of the year is also beginning to be felt, and the count of losses and objectives not yet achieved is made. I hope that the group's words of encouragement can help the inner strength and good spirits of each one of us, and that we transform this month from which little is expected, into a month of victory... that it becomes a point of turning point for our lives! Greetings, God bless you and have a good week!
Thanks for the warm welcome to the group. I'm happy to share a little about my life and challenges. I'm 49, a father of one 12yo son (he's a star!). His mother and I are divorced, but still on excellent terms - we just grew apart. I've been with my current partner for over 5 years. She has a 12yo daughter who is both lovely and deeply challenging (as yet undiagnosed neurodiversity). I've had CFS/ME for over 20 years, but have been addicted to PMO since I was 15. Our life right now is incredibly challenging due to the acrimonious and abusive nature of my partner's ex. Every day is full of trauma and stress, which makes doing what I'm doing here harder... but even more important. I have recently started seeing a therapist on a weekly basis, and she recommended joining here to get some specific support and accountability. I'm planning to hardmode for 30 days and then try to just leave the P behind.
I love the "a little willingness" - it reminds me of A Course in Miracles, which I was a student of for five years. The transmutation you speak of right at the end is something I came to spontaneously last week. Yes, I lapsed eventually, but I see it as a pathway to the light. Your post and record speaks to me that it is correct.
