Constant dreams of killing myself due to heartbreak and post-addictions

[green lion eating the sun]

Hi,
Since my ex guy left me again 3 months ago I keep having the same dream in which I stab myself to death with a knife. I feel drowned by shame, sense of guilt due to my sex and porn addictions. We met after the breakup and we ended up having sex twice. When I saw him I was so happy. I loved to hug him. The next morning he dropped me home. I asked him if he wanted to start our relationship again and to be honest with me. I went to hug him a lot and we held hands. I was very happy in that moment. He told me that he wanted to see me soon and to take care

An hour later, I saw he blocked my number. He had his phone with no battery while together. I called him and texted him asked why he blocked me, that I was feeling really bad to tell me something at least. He just kept blocking me everytime I tried to get an answer from him. Few days later a girl texted me with the last message I wrote him before removing his number for good. She said she was his girlfriend. she asked me when we had sex. I just said that she was not his gf and blocked her. I thought it was a joke

A week after we were together he texted me through another guy saying he was going to explain everything. Basically he told me that he was with this girl and then they were on a break and he saw me. He said he blocked me when he found out the girl was pregnant with his child, that I had to understand. That he was not ignoring me

He told me "I am sorry it didn't work out between us, I know you are heartbroken and I know the damage that I have caused on you, I never used you or just messed around with you, it just clearly didn't work out"

He asked me to text her to persuade her to not get an abortion because their families were against abortion and he didn't want his baby to die. To tell her that me and he had sex a long time before, otherwise she said that didn't want to have this baby if he cheated on her. He said it was leaving the decision to me, he said that he was putting his baby's life in my hands. I read the message but never replied

Was he really sorry for what he did to me? Or was he just pretending? I trusted him and I was in love with him. or those words are empty and he said them just to persuade me to help him?

I am heartbroken. Ironic...a heartbroken sex addict. When I looked it up on internet I found the signs of a sex addict someone who doesn't feel any intimacy bond with the other person. No attachment while I did. I still don't know why I feel like this

 

[J247]

I'm usually a glass half empty/realist kind of guy. With that said I don't think he was sorry. I think he was horny and needed to blow off steam. And why bother pursuing a new relationship with someone or MO when you got someone you have a history with? I mean if he didn't use you he used the woman he impregnated. I don't know you or him, but I feel like he doesn't want hard feelings so if he comes back to you, you'd think he's a changed man, and able to have sex on a whim. Get yourself tested too.

 

[green lion eating the sun]

I'm usually a glass half empty/realist kind of guy. With that said I don't think he was sorry. I think he was horny and needed to blow off steam. And why bother pursuing a new relationship with someone or MO when you got someone you have a history with? I mean if he didn't use you he used the woman he impregnated. I don't know you or him, but I feel like he doesn't want hard feelings so if he comes back to you, you'd think he's a changed man, and able to have sex on a whim. Get yourself tested too.

We saw each other for 7 months. Then we met 4 months after he left me and we ended up sleeping together

Why do you think he said he was sorry it didn't work out, that he knew the damage that caused me etc"? To persuade me to do that favour to him?

That was his last text. I knew it. He is going to be a father. He told we were not meant to be. He did not say those words trying to come back to me whenever he felt