Desiring for other women -> Feeling "a miss" -> PMO

You are not missing anything that you don't already have. You seem to enjoy the thrill of the chase or the unknown. But you know what sex is and it will feel the same as it does at home. You say how much you love your wife, you need to stop allowing yourself to wander in those temptations. When you see a beautiful woman, think of your wife.

You say you can do pmo instead of cheating. Is your wife ok with porn? Are you?

 

You can't have everything in life. Married guys envy single guys and single guys envy married (or with GF) guys.

You choosed the married life in this part of your life. You are always going to be attracted to other woman. Attraction is not a choice, but you can choose what to do about that attraction.

Everyday you can wake up and file for divorse and be single again, not every day you can wake up and marry a woman. Take some time to think about what you want and make a decision.

Also your woman deserve a man that love her and is sure that he wants to be with her the same way she is happy and sure to be with you. So or you quit and let her have a man like that, or be that man to her.

 

Hi I have the same issue as you except I am not good at picking up women and my so was my only sex partner ever. The more you tried to resist the worse it becomes. You just kind of have your mind focus on other things without thinking too hard. One thing I started doing for like 2 weeks was to say like 2 nice things I appreciate in life or in my spouse, I found that I became a little more pleasant and appreciated my wife more. I also tried to focus on when my wife tried to use her love language on me. Try to focus on what you had and not what you don't have.

 

I was wondering what your deal was, and I think this is it. @hope4healing is right, you can't have a perfect marriage when one of you is addicted to Porn, Masturbation, and Orgasm. One of you is screwing it up for both of you, and you know who that is.

You are having a bonding problem. Your body wants to fertilize all the mates, both real and the ones on screen, and will continue to want that until you break that process up, slow down, and bond with your wife. You need less dopamine, more oxytocin.

The best thing you can do, which is also the hardest and the riskiest but is the most ethical, and I can virtually guarantee is the only way to get the end result you want, is to talk to your wife about your PMO addiction and your wandering eyes. If she doesn't know already, she is going to be pissed. But if you do it carefully and correctly, and if she loves you and wants to keep the relationship, she'll get over it and she'll help you. You owe it to her to tell her what is going on, there isn't an option here, so you either have to do that or accept the fact that you're acting like an infected asshole.

That's a hard step, most guys have a hard time accepting the fact they are going to have to take it. Meantime, set up your counter, read up on the basics, and buckle up because you have some rough times ahead. Or, stay in your addiction, keep rationalizing it, and watch as it eats away at everything you value until you're a broken, depressed shell of a human being. You're addicted mind will tell you that it's okay, you can keep it contained, you don't have to do anything hard just stay the course. It's a liar. These are your only choices.

 

Let's first differentiate between "common" and "normal." It's common for men to use P, but P is not a natural thing. It's a superstimulus, it's not normal. It is also common to be aroused or triggered by beautiful women, even for married men, because we train our bodies to react that way. By keeping our bodies trained to maintain multiple sexual relationships with partners both real (telling yourself you could bed that woman if you wanted to & fantasizing the seduction scenario) and imagined (P), we restrict our ability to emotionally and physically bond with our chosen partner. Fully bonded men typically have zero sexual desire for anyone but their bonded partner. They can notice and appreciate the aesthetic of female features and form (apologies for the alliteration), but they are not interested in touching her or connecting in any sexual sense. These men are sometimes derided by their peers as "whipped," but they are not dominated by their partner. They genuinely prefer her, and they typically don't much care for the misguided opinions of their peers because they enjoy their relationship.

It sounds like you can intellectually appreciate your wife's compatibility and her superiority to other women in virtually every way, but you crave novelty. That's part of the Coolidge Effect, and very much a part of P addiction. It will be difficult and unfamiliar at first, since you have trained yourself and are culturally reinforced to "be a stud," but you can focus on your wife and retrain your mind and body to focus on your wife, and discover that bond to be a far more rewarding experience than engaging in multiple superficial sexual relationships. Part of that is with oxytocin.

We know far less about hormones and the way they interact than we'd like, but we do know oxytocin is the bonding hormone. It's what makes women absolutely insane for their babies; they go through a horrifically painful and undignified experience in birth, get a squalling gray meatloaf with a smushed face and covered in mucus for their trouble, and they beam like a lighthouse, forget the whole thing and say it was worth it, all because of a cocktail of hormones dominated by oxytocin. If you've ever heard someone say "What's the matter, you weren't breastfed?" as a way to imply their mother didn't love them enough, it's because of that mutual bonding that takes place during breastfeeding & it has nothing to do with milk; it's the oxytocin.
You activate your own body's production of oxytocin by having skin to skin contact. It's why sex on some level bonds you to your partner. There may be other factors that counter that bond & repel you from them after. Novelty produces a short term rush of dopamine that we find addictive, so if we perceive that partner can no longer provide novelty & we aren't attracted to them on any other level, we won't want to stick around. However, on some level you connect with them and that's oxy. You don't have to involve genitals either, a touch on the shoulder, a hug, a hand on the small of the back, all that generates a little oxy, which is why pick up artists advise these kinds of touches. The "target" feels more bonded, consequently more safe, with a person who touches them (provided the touch is wanted). If you want more bonding with your wife, increase the surface area of skin to skin contact and increase the time. Strip off your clothes and cuddle for an hour, doesn't have to be an erotic experience, but you will feel more bonded with your wife.

 

So many great responses above. I echo the same.

I will add: some of your root causes for feeling desire for other women may come from your need to be validated by these sexual exploits of "hooking up". When you were single, honing your ability to bed women, (which cringily you still seem proud of) I bet you never stopped to consider what what the underlying motivation was or why you feel the need to have so many partners? What misbelief are you still carrying? What is buried and broken that you get some worth from picking up girls? Find the insecurities, ask deep tough questions. Therapy helps.

2nd as stated already: both hooking-up and PMO completely objectifies women. It uses them for thier bodies not for their brains and hearts. The reason you still have desire for other women is because you still look at women as objects. PMO reinforces this. Once you learn to look at women as you do your wife, you will see their real value with all their complexity, worth, essence and amazement. You don't desire them just because they are sexy. They are not some meat package to consume. They are complex souls with goodness and pain, brilliance and fears, beauty and struggles, complete whole human beings worthy of love and respect.

I know Porn paints a different picture.

Work on what's broken in you, I promise your appetite will change with enough practice. Don't believe the FOMO when you see pretty people.
"You do not have an addiction, you have a human connection problem."

Best of luck.