Desiring for other women -> Feeling "a miss" -> PMO

[jsdwjsjsjs]

Hey. 30yo married male.
I feel that I'm stuck in this loop:
(1) Seeing and beeing triggered by other women everywhere (street, gym, internet, etc).
(2) Desire for other women other than my wife.
(3) Feeling "a miss" that I don't try to hook-up with other women.
(4) PMO and questions about my relationship.

My relationship is perfect. It's not about the connection with my partner or intimicy.
The problem is that I have this lust for other women. Of course everyone that sees other women might think that they are attactive, but for me it's deeper - I feel that if I wasn't in a relationship I could try to hook-up with them. From my past experience, I was very successful in picking-up women, and I know that it is possible for me.

I know it's unreal, but I feel that if I didn't see other women phenomenon would have been reduced. I wish I could only feel desire for my wife. I wish I didn't know that I *can* hook-up with other women if I wanted.

In many cases porn is described as the main problem.
For me, I feel the main problem is the desire for other women.
The fact that I was successful with pick-up women increases the "miss" feeling.
I cannot execute my desires, but I can do PMO.

I know that "my alternative life" as a bachelor would have been "fun", but not satisfying for long-term. I see that for my bachelor friends in this age (~30) it's harder and harder to find a wife, because they are also trapped in the "FOMO" feeling. I am truly lucky for my life and relationship, I am thankful for it.

I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

 

[Anywherewithyou]

You are not missing anything that you don't already have. You seem to enjoy the thrill of the chase or the unknown. But you know what sex is and it will feel the same as it does at home. You say how much you love your wife, you need to stop allowing yourself to wander in those temptations. When you see a beautiful woman, think of your wife.

You say you can do pmo instead of cheating. Is your wife ok with porn? Are you?

 

[p1n1983]

You can't have everything in life. Married guys envy single guys and single guys envy married (or with GF) guys.

You choosed the married life in this part of your life. You are always going to be attracted to other woman. Attraction is not a choice, but you can choose what to do about that attraction.

Everyday you can wake up and file for divorse and be single again, not every day you can wake up and marry a woman. Take some time to think about what you want and make a decision.

Also your woman deserve a man that love her and is sure that he wants to be with her the same way she is happy and sure to be with you. So or you quit and let her have a man like that, or be that man to her.

 

[jsdwjsjsjs]

Thanks for the comments. It helps.

How do you cope with this feelings?
Sure, everyone finds attractive women attractive, and everyone responds to it differently.

I am wondering, if I reduce/abstain PMO, will my desire for other women decrease?
I suspect that the more I see porn, I am more easily triggered by other women.
The COVID doesn't help with this as well. Isolation increased porn usage in my case (as I believe in for other people as well), and now I spin my head twice for every woman on the street....

Sadly, I never succeeded to have long streaks without PMO. I am always trying but fails after ~1 week. I hope this time I will succeed better.

 

[jsdwjsjsjs]

"You can't have everything in life. Married guys envy single guys and single guys envy married (or with GF) guys."
I suspect that it's true... my single friends in cities with planty of single women tell me that they wish they had a good relationship and in my head I am thinking "I would switch with you in this moment"...

 

[Rehab101]

Thanks for the comments. It helps.

How do you cope with this feelings?
Sure, everyone finds attractive women attractive, and everyone responds to it differently.

I am wondering, if I reduce/abstain PMO, will my desire for other women decrease?
I suspect that the more I see porn, I am more easily triggered by other women.
The COVID doesn't help with this as well. Isolation increased porn usage in my case (as I believe in for other people as well), and now I spin my head twice for every woman on the street....

Sadly, I never succeeded to have long streaks without PMO. I am always trying but fails after ~1 week. I hope this time I will succeed better.

Hi I have the same issue as you except I am not good at picking up women and my so was my only sex partner ever. The more you tried to resist the worse it becomes. You just kind of have your mind focus on other things without thinking too hard. One thing I started doing for like 2 weeks was to say like 2 nice things I appreciate in life or in my spouse, I found that I became a little more pleasant and appreciated my wife more. I also tried to focus on when my wife tried to use her love language on me. Try to focus on what you had and not what you don't have.

 

[jsdwjsjsjs]

Hi I have the same issue as you except I am not good at picking up women and my so was my only sex partner ever. The more you tried to resist the worse it becomes. You just kind of have your mind focus on other things without thinking too hard. One thing I started doing for like 2 weeks was to say like 2 nice things I appreciate in life or in my spouse, I found that I became a little more pleasant and appreciated my wife more. I also tried to focus on when my wife tried to use her love language on me. Try to focus on what you had and not what you don't have.

Thanks for the comment. I relate to it. I feel that if I focus on the girls I don't meet - I get miserable, and this will never end. I am asking myself - would it be different if I was single? If I could get a different girl every 3 weeks, would I become happier? Are all the single guys happy? I'm not sure the answer is positive.

Today I am a bit more optimistic.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Instead of getting what I want, I need to focus on wanting what I got. I *know* that a meaningfull relationship with my wife, and building a family together is much more important.

I hope I can continue with this attitude, but I am afraid it will be unsettled again.

 

[hope4healing]

My relationship is perfect.

This is what you'd like to believe, but clearly it is not. Even if your wife is beautiful, smart, loving, loyal, and you have a great sex life, no marriage is perfect when one half spends their time PMO'ing and thinking about how much they want to be with everyone else other than their spouse.

I wish I didn't know that I *can* hook-up with other women if I wanted.

I believe this way of thinking is unhelpful. Why not think, "I *cannot* hook up with other women because I'm married, I want to be faithful to my wife, and I wouldn't want to destroy her heart by doing something so selfish"?

When you constantly tell yourself that being married is making you "miss out" on being with all these other women, do you ever think about how selfishness is making you miss out on a much deeper, more satisfying level of intimacy with your wife? It seems like maybe you got married because you like the idea of marriage/building a family, but you don't want to actually live that way....unless you can also continue being with other women all the time so you don't miss out.

I am wondering, if I reduce/abstain PMO, will my desire for other women decrease?

I think it would be very beneficial to stop spending time focusing on all the women you don't have and instead, take some time to appreciate the one you do...the one you could lose if you don't stop telling yourself all this crap about how many women you know you could pick up if you weren't married.

in my head I am thinking "I would switch with you in this moment"...

If this is truly how you think, then do you really feel lucky and thankful for the life you have?

I am truly lucky for my life and relationship, I am thankful for it.

 

[Meshuga]

I am wondering, if I reduce/abstain PMO, will my desire for other women decrease?
I suspect that the more I see porn, I am more easily triggered by other women.

I was wondering what your deal was, and I think this is it. @hope4healing is right, you can't have a perfect marriage when one of you is addicted to Porn, Masturbation, and Orgasm. One of you is screwing it up for both of you, and you know who that is.

You are having a bonding problem. Your body wants to fertilize all the mates, both real and the ones on screen, and will continue to want that until you break that process up, slow down, and bond with your wife. You need less dopamine, more oxytocin.

The best thing you can do, which is also the hardest and the riskiest but is the most ethical, and I can virtually guarantee is the only way to get the end result you want, is to talk to your wife about your PMO addiction and your wandering eyes. If she doesn't know already, she is going to be pissed. But if you do it carefully and correctly, and if she loves you and wants to keep the relationship, she'll get over it and she'll help you. You owe it to her to tell her what is going on, there isn't an option here, so you either have to do that or accept the fact that you're acting like an infected asshole.

That's a hard step, most guys have a hard time accepting the fact they are going to have to take it. Meantime, set up your counter, read up on the basics, and buckle up because you have some rough times ahead. Or, stay in your addiction, keep rationalizing it, and watch as it eats away at everything you value until you're a broken, depressed shell of a human being. You're addicted mind will tell you that it's okay, you can keep it contained, you don't have to do anything hard just stay the course. It's a liar. These are your only choices.

 

[jsdwjsjsjs]

Thanks a lot for your comments. It's a food for thought.

@hope4healing, I agree with the general way of what you say.

It seems like maybe you got married because you like the idea of marriage/building a family, but you don't want to actually live that way...

Isn't it normal to be aroused by other beautiful women? Even if you are married?
Before marriage / relationship, as a man you are triggered by beautiful woman, and to try and pick-up girls. What happens after the relationship? You are no longer attracted to other girls, only your spouse?

I think it would be very beneficial to stop spending time focusing on all the women you don't have and instead, take some time to appreciate the one you do

It makes sense. I might be triggered, but I need to be less focused on it.

If this is truly how you think, then do you really feel lucky and thankful for the life you have?

Wouldn't you want to switch with your single friends for 1 night? If so, does it mean you are not thankful for your life?

@Meshuga thanks for the feedback as well.

you can't have a perfect marriage when one of you is addicted to Porn, Masturbation, and Orgasm

Agreed.

You need less dopamine, more oxytocin.

What do you mean by that?

Thanks a lot

 

[Meshuga]

Isn't it normal to be aroused by other beautiful women? Even if you are married?
Before marriage / relationship, as a man you are triggered by beautiful woman, and to try and pick-up girls. What happens after the relationship? You are no longer attracted to other girls, only your spouse?
...
Wouldn't you want to switch with your single friends for 1 night? If so, does it mean you are not thankful for your life?

Let's first differentiate between "common" and "normal." It's common for men to use P, but P is not a natural thing. It's a superstimulus, it's not normal. It is also common to be aroused or triggered by beautiful women, even for married men, because we train our bodies to react that way. By keeping our bodies trained to maintain multiple sexual relationships with partners both real (telling yourself you could bed that woman if you wanted to & fantasizing the seduction scenario) and imagined (P), we restrict our ability to emotionally and physically bond with our chosen partner. Fully bonded men typically have zero sexual desire for anyone but their bonded partner. They can notice and appreciate the aesthetic of female features and form (apologies for the alliteration), but they are not interested in touching her or connecting in any sexual sense. These men are sometimes derided by their peers as "whipped," but they are not dominated by their partner. They genuinely prefer her, and they typically don't much care for the misguided opinions of their peers because they enjoy their relationship.

It sounds like you can intellectually appreciate your wife's compatibility and her superiority to other women in virtually every way, but you crave novelty. That's part of the Coolidge Effect, and very much a part of P addiction. It will be difficult and unfamiliar at first, since you have trained yourself and are culturally reinforced to "be a stud," but you can focus on your wife and retrain your mind and body to focus on your wife, and discover that bond to be a far more rewarding experience than engaging in multiple superficial sexual relationships. Part of that is with oxytocin.

What do you mean by that?

We know far less about hormones and the way they interact than we'd like, but we do know oxytocin is the bonding hormone. It's what makes women absolutely insane for their babies; they go through a horrifically painful and undignified experience in birth, get a squalling gray meatloaf with a smushed face and covered in mucus for their trouble, and they beam like a lighthouse, forget the whole thing and say it was worth it, all because of a cocktail of hormones dominated by oxytocin. If you've ever heard someone say "What's the matter, you weren't breastfed?" as a way to imply their mother didn't love them enough, it's because of that mutual bonding that takes place during breastfeeding & it has nothing to do with milk; it's the oxytocin.
You activate your own body's production of oxytocin by having skin to skin contact. It's why sex on some level bonds you to your partner. There may be other factors that counter that bond & repel you from them after. Novelty produces a short term rush of dopamine that we find addictive, so if we perceive that partner can no longer provide novelty & we aren't attracted to them on any other level, we won't want to stick around. However, on some level you connect with them and that's oxy. You don't have to involve genitals either, a touch on the shoulder, a hug, a hand on the small of the back, all that generates a little oxy, which is why pick up artists advise these kinds of touches. The "target" feels more bonded, consequently more safe, with a person who touches them (provided the touch is wanted). If you want more bonding with your wife, increase the surface area of skin to skin contact and increase the time. Strip off your clothes and cuddle for an hour, doesn't have to be an erotic experience, but you will feel more bonded with your wife.

 

[hope4healing]

Isn't it normal to be aroused by other beautiful women? Even if you are married?

I think it's normal to notice beautiful women and even to appreciate beauty. But, when you see a beautiful woman and you let your thoughts get out of control...thinking about how much you want to be with her, fantasizing about it, telling yourself, "if only I wasnt married, I could seduce her but because I am married, I'm missing out," etc...that's when it isn't ok. There has to be some control of the thoughts that follow seeing someone attractive. Maybe you could try the 3 second rule?

Wouldn't you want to switch with your single friends for 1 night? If so, does it mean you are not thankful for your life?

No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to because I have no desire to be with anyone else but my husband.

I really think that eliminating the "missing out" mindset will help you develop a better understanding and appreciation for what you're truly missing out on...a deeper level of intimacy with your wife and more respect for your marriage.

 

[jsdwjsjsjs]

I really appreciate the detailed posts @Meshuga @hope4healing. Thank you.

 

[Reverent]

So many great responses above. I echo the same.

I will add: some of your root causes for feeling desire for other women may come from your need to be validated by these sexual exploits of "hooking up". When you were single, honing your ability to bed women, (which cringily you still seem proud of) I bet you never stopped to consider what what the underlying motivation was or why you feel the need to have so many partners? What misbelief are you still carrying? What is buried and broken that you get some worth from picking up girls? Find the insecurities, ask deep tough questions. Therapy helps.

2nd as stated already: both hooking-up and PMO completely objectifies women. It uses them for thier bodies not for their brains and hearts. The reason you still have desire for other women is because you still look at women as objects. PMO reinforces this. Once you learn to look at women as you do your wife, you will see their real value with all their complexity, worth, essence and amazement. You don't desire them just because they are sexy. They are not some meat package to consume. They are complex souls with goodness and pain, brilliance and fears, beauty and struggles, complete whole human beings worthy of love and respect.

I know Porn paints a different picture.

Work on what's broken in you, I promise your appetite will change with enough practice. Don't believe the FOMO when you see pretty people.
"You do not have an addiction, you have a human connection problem."

Best of luck.