I want my life back, I’m broken

I’m not new to NoFap or the forums, I decided to make a new account because I had fears that people I knew were able to access and read my posts that I was making. I have no real idea if this is true or not, and find myself in a bigger problem than the first time I joined NoFap.

I have found myself questioning reality, as I have had several “episodes” were I believed that certain and specific people were “out to get me”. It seemed like every time I posted something, I got together with said people, and I became the product of insinuations and innuendo.

I tried explaining this to a few people who know my problem, and they said to seek help because I was delusional. I was frantically trying to conclude that my phone got hacked, and it made me distrust almost everyone I know currently. However I found out that my instincts were right, but in a lesser way. This is the second time that someone who is not me, and someone that I had previously “trusted”, has accessed my personal phone.

The biggest thing right now I guess, is that I am trying to figure everything out right now, and I have even found myself questioning myself and my sanity. It feels like I lost touch with reality, but at the same time, the instincts and feelings that led me to that breaking point, turned out to be correct and provable. [Felt insane -> no evidence, now I feel sane because there is evidence that my phone was used without my permission]. I also understand that there are people in the world who WANT to make a good person seem unstable or nuts, and they are called narcissists, psychopaths, etc. Somehow, I find myself attracting these types of people, and become pushed around by them in various ways. I need help but I don’t even know where to start again!!

 

I already “found out” who’s snooping me, and now I don’t have any friends or a good support network. I removed myself from a bunch of social media and I also removed myself from either obvious or seemingly obvious toxic relationships. So right now, I guess you could say I’m at a clean slate. I don’t have anyone but my loved ones and, and I’m okay with that. My thing is a clean slate. I got rid of toxicity as far as people go. I don’t have a problem with people snooping or exposing me, I have a problem with people who knock down the blocks when I try to build if that makes sense.

 

And yeah, I definitely must find out what is real and what is not, but at the same time it’s super hard to get help when it’s hard to trust. And the thing is, I am able to rationalize after episodes, and that provides me with clarity, but it’s the fact that it even gets skewed in the first place that bothers me.

 

I am in the midst of getting clinical help, I had an initial appointment, but the system for mental health is very discouraging. I’ve already had scheduling mishaps and misunderstandings with the current provider. Hopefully it continues to work out, and I also am giving it my all, because what do I have to lose? I’ve done more self work, I deeply feel and know, by talking to family that went through therapy themselves.