I'd like to exchange help

Hey all, anonymous newbie here. This intro might seem long and meandering. Despite the pain and the joys in this story it is far from a complete telling of my life's tribulations. Not asking for any pity at all; I just needed some perspective even if that was me simply typing something out for the rest of the world to read...

How did I arrive here?

I've known about the site or movement for at least a year and a half, first from an organization I'm part of and then from a coworker. My information of this site and specifics of the movement are quite nascent however.

I am going through a rough patch in life but God gives us nothing we can't handle. Some of the best advice I have ever been given was from my father many years ago: "You have to get up with the get-ups and get down with the get-downs." Those words have helped me to keep the season-like extreme highs and extreme lows in perspective. When life is as good as it can get then I must prepare for it to become tragic. When life is suffering then I must remind myself that I will climb that mountain again.

My family history going back all the generations that I know is filled to the brim with suicide and addiction. I am certainly of my ancestors' lineage.

I am currently in a "get down" cycle of my life, the accumulation and continuance of several different choices and consequences. I felt the surge of this cycle beginning in May 2018. From then until now I have had some victories, including ones that I am continuing to build upon, but I have also descended lower into this "get down" and I doubt that I have yet reached this cycle's floor yet.

Something that began before my current "get down" and has not yet resided has been a cocaine addiction. I have experimented heavily with and have also consistently abused many drugs going back to my very early teen years.

Recently I was given a large amount of pure methamphetamine - at no obligation but of course at much risk. I have been using it everyday (snorting) for over a week now. I realize now that the highs and the withdraws seem as frequent and extreme as the highs and lows of my own life so far...

When I was very young and before I ever knew of porn I was molested in a homosexual manner. This caused for me HOCD and led me to think that I would be dammed in hell. I responded in turn by suppressing this memory until I was 20.

I have had many girlfriends throughout life and I had dated two transwomen before. I had had homosexual encounters with three different peers in high school, one of which I loved more than I had ever loved anyone before or since in my life, and he would say the same thing about me. I realized that man was truly my one and only soulmate in life - I mean my true soulmate. I've never bothered to explain to anyone what a soulmate is and I can't put it into words other than to say that term is simply a literal meaning of the two words it's comprised of. Unfortunately, he died unexpectedly over 7 years ago and it wasn't until I went through the grieving process of his death that I realized him and I had always been soulmates. We'll continue to be soulmates, forever, and I know that he knew this before he died and that he still knows this even now after his death.

Typing out what I just did left me sobbing, something that I haven't done in a long time, let alone spill a tear.
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It also really just put A LOT of things into perspective for me.
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Continuing...

Almost four years ago I married a beautiful transwoman - someone who was beautiful on the outside without having taken any hormones or having had any surgeries. We met online and after five months of talking and video chatting everyday, I traveled literally to the other side of the earth to meet her.

She was a genuine person and I could see that. This was only three years after my soulmate had passed but she was suffering terrible loss too: her grandmother (the person who raised her) along with her father both died right before I arrived and one right after the other. I will always remember my last night with her before I flew home - we went out together and ate pizza at a restaurant. We sat across from one another and looking at one another I saw such a true sadness creep over her face. I went over to sit next to her and I hugged her while she cried; she was worried that I would never come back and that'd be the last time she saw me.

I came back a few months later and proposed to her with my great grandmother's ring which my father gave me. I will cut everything short to tell another day, but unfortunately our marriage collapsed and we had a dissolution that was signed last year. It was a repeating feedback loop or cycle (what's it called?) of cocaine and porn/masturbation that I ran a treadmill on which drove her to leave me. I also reached the peak of my video game addiction as well - thankfully I saw what a waste of time this hobby was last October and I sold all my video games and consoles except for my really old stuff from my childhood. I occasionally will pop in a game to play for a couple hours once a month, either by myself or with a friend, and that's it.

Did I mention I also got really fat after marriage too? Of course as soon as I sold my video games I started losing much of the weight I had packed on.

Anyway, I signed up here because I had ended up here a few days ago and I was reading people's reboot stories and saw so much HOCD and thought that maybe on occasion I could give them my two cents as a bisexual man since I saw a lot from straights and some from gays and even a transwoman, but nothing from anyone who identified as bisexual.

I realized I need help too. If nothing else please offer your help as a prayer for my soul.

And thank you to anyone who read this far; I love you and it really means so much more to me than you'll ever know.