Should I blame myself for my addiction?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by llortaton, Oct 2, 2022.

  1. llortaton

    llortaton Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    I wonder if I should blame myself for my addiction and ruining my own life. To start things off, I'm 18 years old, and I started PMOing when I was 14. I went into it thinking it was something healthy and normal, which is what we're all told. Anyway, a few weeks into fapping I noticed that there were really bad side effects. Depression, anxiety, social anxiety, bad mental clarity, terrible focus, bad acne, my nose got all puffy, etc.

    So, from there, I tried to quit. For four years, 4 years of highschool, from 14-18 I tried (unsuccessfully) to quit. I tried so hard to quit that I was literally obsessed about it. I was constantly thinking about quitting and it was on my mind 24/7. It was literally the only goal I had in life. Although, I kept relapsing Every. single. week. I even broke 2 of my phone's to try and quit, but nothing seemed to work. I even tried handstitch my own onesie and wear it to bed, (because I kept waking up in the middle of the night in a horny frenzy).

    Anyway, this ruined my grades, ruined my highschool experience and left me crippled. I'm wondering, is all of this really my fault? Was i just dealt the wrong cards and fucked over by life? I REALLY did try to quit, I tried very hard. I never got into this thinking that it was something bad, I thought it was normal and healthy. And, I didn't seek professional help for the obvious reason that who the fuck has the balls to tell someone this face to face? I wouldn't blame any other kid for not getting professional help.

    So, is it really my fault? It's fucked up my self esteem and I feel as if I'm a terrible person, and I fucked up my life but at the same time I feel like maybe it's just not my fault, maybe I just got fucked by life. And, to add I feel like my toxic home environment also may have contributed to this. let me know what you guys think
    Intothesun likes this.
  2. Is not your fault bro. Some of us get addicted and some don't. Thats basically it. You got addicted just like many of us. I was hooked at 12 and now im 39
    And I been trying to quit everytime for over 20 years. I have some good streaks but I forget and relapse and is the same. I suggest just quit for good bro. It doesn't get better. It gets whatever it takes. Just stay away from anything triggering if you can't handle it.
    Gardenzio, ShotDunyun and llortaton like this.
  3. llortaton

    llortaton Fapstronaut

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    Aw, thanks bro. Yk I really needed some validation, man. And you're right the only thing I can do is push harder. I'm on the brink of quitting. I came to a realization that I was addicted to masturbation, not really the porn. (This may be the case for you too) This is because of the tight death grip and the rapid stroke movement you do with your hand, causes way more stimulation than a vagina.

    I kid you not, when I found that out, I decided to loosen my grip (to that relative of a females part) and I kid you not, I didn't even orgasm. I didn't feel a thing. And on top of that, because my brain didn't get the normal stimulus and rush of dopamine, from loosening my grip, I actually had withdrawals. Runny nose, depression, anxiety, and insomnia. And I find that absurd. That a lot of us are addicted to the dopamine rush from orgasming, not the actual porn.

    Anyway I appreciate your insight and I hope the advice I gave helps.
    Buddhabro2.0 and Intothesun like this.
  4. FocusIsLove

    FocusIsLove Fapstronaut

    Fault is maybe the wrong word. It leads to thoughts like "I am so bad/weak/useless/etc"

    But you did make choices, and those choices left you in addiction. Quitting is can be extremely difficult when our entire society encourages it, and the infrastructure of that society(culture, and all of the devices the now have access). It is good to acknowledge that, as well as the truth that freedom from porn is something any and every man can experience. If you are honest with yourself when you reflect on what happened, you can use each and every failure as a piece of the solution to your sobriety. You shouldn't vilify yourself for being caught up in your addiction, but you shouldn't whitewash the choices that you made that have lead you and kept you there.
    llortaton and Buddhabro2.0 like this.
  5. Yea once you get a girlfriend. Is not all about sex bro. Sometimes we end up using are girlfriends as replacement to pmo. And is never enough. We got to get rid of the addiction completely and care about are relationships more than pmo. Just my opinion.
    Gardenzio, llortaton and Buddhabro2.0 like this.