TooMuchTooSoon - A Partner's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by TooMuchTooSoon, Jan 29, 2017.

  1. Excellent letter. I also have a small addition. There is no such thing as dopamine addiction. Dopamine is what keeps you reading the rest of this sentence. We need it to function, to accomplish mundane tasks. While all addictions are based on dopamine, it's not the dopamine itself, but the habitual or substance induced dopamine reward you can get addicted to. I recall discovering the fun in small, mundane things somewhere along the first few weeks of my recovery, once the unfair PMO dopamine reward kept missing.
    If you find a better way to express what you mean, that would give him one thing less to point his finger at.
    Bel likes this.
  2. Ok so I am going to give you some “tough love”. PLEASE PLEASE do NOT send this to him! It sounds like you wrote this in desperation. Which I know how this feels and you are broken and trying to hold on to any shred of hope he can offer you BUT you are asking him to tell you what you want to hear. You are acknowledging that you will settle for less than you deserve if he wants you to. That you have been doing so already and you are willing to keep carrying him. You are also like @Jolie has said in a post making a “smarter criminal” by letting him know everything you know and how you know are going to make him smarter about how to be sneaky and will make it more difficult on yourself to ever find out information you might want or need to know. This sounds similar to a past relationship of mine and looking back I see all the ways I enabled him to take me for granted and take advantage of me. You are carrying him. Of course he doesn’t want you to break it off. It sounds like you have your stuff together and he doesn’t. He is living with you (hopefully you are making him contribute to the household financially and maint etc.). The more you do for him the less he has to do for himself. Hitting rock bottom for him is not this letter you wrote, it is him being left with the realization that he has nothing and no one is going to rescue him from himself except for him. He needs to do the work. You in a sense need to detach from him a little so he feels it. Right now that letter says you can have your cake and eat it too but I am going to give you a hard time every now and that ok? You should not be asking him if HE wants to work it out…you need to asking YOURSELF is this really what you want? I know these types of situations can leave you feeling emotionally drained and in a way like you need this person to validate yourself worth somehow. But if you are not proud to be with this person at the end of the day then you shouldn’t be with them.

    Ask yourself:
    Does he make you a better person? How?

    Does he make you feel good about yourself?

    Is he encouraging to you or is it one sided?

    Do you have a hard time saying “No” to him even when you want to?

    Does he go out of his way to make you feel loved?

    Can you wholeheartedly say he is actually a good person?

    I have a much easier time expressing myself in a letter as well. But this is showing your hand a little too much. Please read the book “Love must be tough” by James Dobson. It is was very enlightening on relationships and how the cat and mouse chase in relationship is, and of course a whole lot more regarding this whole subject. It will help you learn how to protect yourself and set your boundaries in a healthy way.

    Remember that you are worth SO much more. And if you feel like you deserve more…YOU ABSOLUTELY DO! Do not settle for less than you deserve. You should be treated like a princess and nothing less! You will only get out of him what you demand and need to be willing to walk away if your needs are met.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 7, 2017
  3. This is how I would structure a letter:
    1. State something good. How you feel about him
    2. Explain what his behavior is doing to you, how you are suffering and how you feel. Emotionally, physically and mentally.
    3. State your wants/needs. What kind of person you are. Your expectations of a relationship and what you need/expect from him.
    4. Consequences if refusal or expectations are not met. Ultimatum if you need to. (But you need to able to follow through)
    5. End with something good. Where you hope the relationship can go and rebuild from here
  4. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

    @ChangeMattersToMe, you have a good point. I will edit that and repost with my other changes before sending.

    @Broken3, you are right in many ways. I am wavering on pulling the info about what I secretly know. There's plenty to share besides that and what I really need is change now and in the future. I can let the past lie. So I'll put together another version without that and with some other changes as suggested here.

    But I actually do want him to know I'm desperate, desperate for this to either actually change for the better or END. That I'm at the end of my capacity for all this BS and if things don't change I'm out. I would gladly reword or add etc. if I can make it clear that anything less than full commitment to recovery and betterment of him and us will be met with me asking him to leave. No more chances. He's had enough. I do feel compelled to offer this last one-time-only offer. No questions. No room for negotiation. My way or separate ways. I feel empowered to be offering this knowing I can finally look at either with equal hope. Hope to create a meaningful and stronger relationship out of the ashes or hope that I can re-find myself and my worth and maybe (but don't HAVE to) find someone else. I'd be just fine on my own thank you. It will take a long time just to recover from all this anyway.

    Honestly, I think he's going to quit. As in us. And I'm prepared for that. I'll probably be relieved. But I want to give him this choice in black and white and in no uncertain terms. Non-negotiable. All or nothing.

    If he IS willing to do the work, as several PA's on here have to AMAZING results with themselves and their relationships, I want to give him that opportunity - one last wake up call. Then DONE. Because you're right. I do deserve better. He can either give me that starting yesterday or he's out.

    Either way I will keep updating here. This journey and everyone in here will always be a part of my life story and I have a newfound passion for trying to rid the world of just toxicity. Whichever way this goes, it's already been rid in one person: me.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  6. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

    @Jolie - No no no. Sorry. Like the emotional part just covering that to make sure we're on the same page. More edits :) it's been an emotional week.
  7. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

    Sorry my iPad won't let me copy the sections after this bit. Maybe have this and everything following be a second letter sent right after the first?

    I can't speak for your SO, but my experience has been that an addict can shut down if something seems daunting. Everything you wrote needs to be said - I agree with @i_wanna_get_better1 points too - so you want to make sure it's actually heard and read in its entirety. If it's easier to send as one email, print it out so you can go over together to ensure he understands exactly where you're coming from and you can get his feedback on each point. I feel this will help him acknowledge the severity of the situation and you can be reassured he is addressing your feelings on all levels.

    I hesitate at emailing letters because then it is out there to be forwarded and posted if he wanted to retaliate. He could cut and paste sections to make it seem like you are the one with the issue. I've heard of this happening with kids who try to confront their bully and end up getting hurt worse. You know him better than I. How do you think he would respond if he's high with his friends and they are laughing and having a good time? Would he leave and come home to you, would it kill his buzz and cause high induced self-reflection, or would he laugh harder and say "OMG, let me read you some of the things my GF just sent me! So funny!". Like I said, I don't know him so just something to consider.

    Good for you! I'm glad you're making a move. I know you have been pondering your own emotional well-being for some time now. It sounds like you are ready to make things happen in a positive way for both of you. If he's not ready, remember you have the support of this community who has seen that your actions thus far have reflected the concern and love you have for your SO. I hope he can come here, read these posts and understand everyone just wants what's best for him too. More importantly to me though, that you DO deserve better treatment!!! ❤️❤️:emoji_hugging::emoji_hugging:
  8. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

    Update of sorts. I was able to go through several things I mentioned in my letter – I didn’t even mean to. I did the girl thing and when he said “I love you” I playfully asked how much. His response: “some.” Not the answer anyone really wants, even if you’re just joking – and his tone really didn’t imply he was kidding. I had worked a 10+ hour day at work, it was an anniversary/reminder of a sad event and I guess I was closer to the edge and more sensitive than I realized. So I quietly went upstairs and got ready for bed since I had to be up early for another 10+ hour day today. He followed me a short time later (I told him I appreciated him doing that) and asked if I was okay. I told him I would be – that I was going to ponder and think some more on everything before starting a bigger talk this weekend. Instead he pushed a little more and so it happened last night. I have very mixed feelings about it which I’m hoping I can sort through here while writing. (spoiler alert – I think I did)

    I told him I am struggling with the belief he cares about me because he thinks he should – I’m a good catch, his family and friends like me and think I’m good for him, I treat him well and better than anyone else ever has, etc. If this were true AND he loved me for me, all my quirks, etc. that would be one thing; however, I feel he doesn’t. He doesn’t ask me questions about me and my life, etc. I told him I don’t want to be an accessory but an individual worthy of love because of who I am and not what I do for him. He told me there is truth to that concern, partially because we never had a “honeymoon” period. Or that was more evidence? I gathered he also worried it was never the giddy excited over the top emotions we’ve all come to expect. So am I. Because it wasn’t. Oh how it wasn’t. However, I attributed all of that to the PMO issues and subsequent fallout. Maybe it’s not. Maybe we are just trying to force something – him because he knows he’d be hard pressed to do better but at the same time wonders if he can, and me because I KNOW I can find someone who will treat me better but I still care about him and would love to make it work. Part of that could also be because I (selfishly?) hate the idea that I put in all this time and energy, put up with all the garbage and whatnot, for him to reap the benefits with someone else. Grrrr. I hate feeling that way but it’s true. I’m tired of getting the short end of the stick, with other people benefiting from me and my efforts when they do little to nothing to earn it themselves. I keep sowing but never get to reap much :(. However, part of me wonders if I’m simply NOT the one to help him realize everything, maybe I would just be the beginning of his rock bottom or just a chapter in his life and he’d continue on as is.

    I asked him if he felt like he was ‘all in’ and he said no – sometimes he does other times he doesn’t. I told him I felt the same. He jumped on that asking why we were harping on him feeling that way then, if I felt the same. I told him it’s because he feels loved and supported and I don’t. So I’m giving as much as I can while protecting myself a little. He’s giving a little while protecting himself as much as he can. Sometimes I believe he doesn’t respect me because I do so much for him. That he’d respect me more for leaving – really finding a turning point in my own codependency and standing my ground. I should have said exactly those last bits. Oh well. I asked him if he thought he was putting in the same amount of effort as I was… he said no. I told him I don’t think he’s broken or bad but I don’t think a successful relationship can happen with so many imbalances. He said he does wonder if he’s damaged – unable to feel/empathize etc.

    I told him I feel like this whole relationship has revolved around him: his struggles, his addictions, his needs, his future while I am left out of that, never feeling safe or secure, and secondary in sex and conversation, pretty much all other aspects of the relationship, etc. I brought up the issues: PMO, then marijuana, then ogling and he started to deny what he’d said before, that it hadn’t gotten worse in the last few months – that it’s always come in waves. I told him I really have a hard time with him, not feeling like I’m ever enough. He got defensive at this point, saying he knew I’d bring that up and belabor the point. Hello! Of course I will, because it’s an ongoing problem you seem to have no intention of solving.

    I was growing tired and we were both frustrated. I admitted my additional sensitivities due to the day and we made up for the night. Never had make up S before. I quite liked it, reconnecting and all, which was good. But even though I had brought up selfishness previously, no effort was made to rectify that in a physically intimate setting. So, a bit more disappointment, and I was tired of expressing my needs for the night. Especially feeling like they’re being ignored. They will likely continue being ignored. He doesn’t like that I’m not as happy and secure in the relationship yet seems unwilling or unable to do anything to rectify that.

    I had told him he has no idea how much he has hurt me. I have to realize and fully face that he takes no responsibility for what he did to us, to me. He dismisses and disregards and seems to resent having to think about me and my feelings. He’s worried about him, I’m worried him. Who’s worried about me? Me, though not enough until now. But apparently I’m the only one able and willing to do something about it.

    So. There we are. Today I feel resolved and resigned. Although I am not quite ready to fully let go, unless there are the previously posted drastic changes I think that is the clearest and most sensible path ahead. I just don’t see him magically becomingenlightened – how much more can I say to open his eyes? You can lead a horse to water… He would need to admit and addresshis issues and addictions and really put in effort to improve himself and our relationship but that’s his choice to do or not. He seems to prefer not or just has no idea how or what to do otherwise. I can’t put in the work for him, as everyone has pointed out here. That’s all up to him. So I can stay and give it a little more time, really come to terms with what I need and know I’ve done everything in my power to give us a chance. After that, with no change in sight, what else is there to do but leave? I will be sad. It will hurt. I will feel broken. But I will heal.

    It’s amazing what can happen when both people in a relationship get on the same page with the plan to improve themselves and their futures, especially together. I wish I could experience that. I will still hope just a little. I welcome thoughts and tough love and insight and everything you all have to offer on here, PA and SOs alike.

    Thanks for reading my novel(s).
  9. I'm so sry your feeling like this. I've been here and close to here many times. It sucks to feel so alone when you're physically not alone. Truth is you need to start loving yourself. Take care of you so you can heal your heart. You can't change him. You will only see change around you when you start to change from within yourself. It's the only thing you can control anyways. It's probably a good idea to start detaching so you don't get hurt. He's straight up told you he's not all in, you have been which is why it's so tough on you. You will only get what you accept. If you keep accepting less than you deserve that is exactly what you'll get. Until you get to your breaking point you will just keep going in the same circle. With my ex I used to hang on to every bread crumb of hope I thought I could see or that he would feed me. He later admitted he always just gave me what he had to just to keep me around a little while longer. I thought it somehow made me stronger for sticking it out but really it just damaged me more. If you think no one else would put up w him then neither should you. I hope you stay well and love yourself first. I'll be praying for you!
  10. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

    Hurt to hope to hurt. It's been a long day. Saw something I wish I hadn't. Not that major in the grand scheme of things. Just adding that second layer of nails to the coffin. Apparently I need that thing secure before I can bury it and put it behind me. Still working on it. Gawd this is hard.
    Bel likes this.
  11. hope4healing

    hope4healing Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    It is really hard to make yourself accept what you've hoped for so long wasn't true. I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. Even though it seems like you'll hurt this way forever, you won't. You're smart. You have to trust in your decisions, and it will eventually get better, with or without him. Hang in there. :)
  12. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

    Thank you @Broken3 and @hope4healing I think I'm just looking/waiting for that rock bottom moment when I can finally see and feel and, most importantly, embrace that the pain of staying will be far worse than the pain of leaving. That last glimmer of hope is a stubborn one, though, so I'm sure I'll have to see it through and watch it fade into darkness.

    I think I'll make a list. They help me organize my thoughts and maybe if I look at the situation in black and white, logic can help my heart decide what will be best for me long- term.
  13. Life is all about choices. You are always in control of and responsible for your choices. As is he. So choose what makes YOU happy bc at the end of the day that is what really matters. Life's too short and precious not to be happy. Choose your happiness no matter what that looks like for you! :) And you are stronger than you know!
  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I was going to comment yesterday and I guess it didn't post.
    Came on today and @Broken3 said pretty much what I was going to say.
    You are the author of your story.
    It's time to pick up the pen and write something that makes you happy.
    (my verbatim)
    I'd say more supportive things, but I think they have been said now.... Either way, you know you are amoung friends here.
    No matter what happens out there.
    Hope you are having a great day. :)
  15. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

    Thanks @Jolie for the support and motivation. :)

    It's time for a game plan switch up. I've been mopey and sad and a total downer. I have EVERY right to feel that way but it hasn't helped me or us. So, new strategy: Anger.

    Any time I feel disrespected or otherwise mistreated, I'm going to call him out and let him know exactly what I think of his BS. One last ditch effort to get through that fog while asserting myself and demanding better for me and us. Maybe it can snap him out of it, or me for that matter.

    Because it's also the best way to wake up and realize there's nothing left to save. 'Anger is sadness's bodyguard' so it will protect my heart as it pushes to leave this sinking ship.

    And, spiteful or petty as it may be, I'd like him to feel the sting of my anger as I have felt so many stings from his words and actions, or lack thereof.

  16. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

    It's been a positive 24 hours. The rejection of sadness and negativity and freedom to feel and express anger seems to have lifted a huge weight on my shoulders. I feel stronger today, like I'm taking charge of myself and what I want. And if that can't be found in this relationship, I can walk away with my head held high, unwilling to settle for less than I deserve. I can leave proud and confident rather than wallowing in despair.

    I'm going to join a friend's gym this week and I think I'll get a Groupon for sailing lessons. I've been wanting to do that for awhile.

    I'm looking forward to really focusing on me for once. It's time.
  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I've often said there isn't enough women on here who focus on themselves.
    This week I dyed my hair.
    You do you, hunny.
    Have fun sailing. :)
  18. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

    Haha! Thanks! My go to expression of life overhaul is to change up my hair or get a new purse. But I'm liking my hair and my current bag so gonna have to express inwardly this time and let that sailing wind blow the pain away. :)

    I think EVERY partner on here suffers from the habit of taking care of everyone and everything before themselves, if there's even anything left at that point. We're bleeding ourselves dry.

    Oxygen mask theory! Help yourself first so you can be your best and healthiest self for everyone else.

    We can do this.
  19. YES!!!!! This is awesome! :):):)
    Kenzi likes this.
  20. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    Good grief this is like reading my past 4 years in a few months. Except I did do the nanny cam and busted his ass flat out bc he was man enough to jerk his junk but not man enough to come clean even though I knew most of it.
    Just be thankful you haven't wasted years. My approach right now is he can fly straight AND kiss my ass. I'm at a point that if Mr. RIGHT RIGHT NOW walks in my struggling PA is going to be left blowing in the wind. I don't hide this from him, I am not secretly conniving like he did, as for me honesty has always been the best policy so I let it fly. He can take it or leave it. I told him he might as well duct tape those flapping lips bc I only listen to actions now.
    Another odd thing, I too got remorseful for all "my work" to get him to a better place being handed to another. Now....well now I'm almost to the point of buying that next gf a bottle of wine and saying sit tight bc you'll understand why soon enough.
    Finally I've just reached break point that in reality I was always good enough, he's been the one lacking. And so help him god if he keeps riding me about how he's ready for sex after a 50 day no PM and a 35 day no O, that if he brings a limp biscuit it's done. No more excuses by me for him. Go inflate that flat some place else.
    Fwiw if I sound angry ,I am....I live in anger now when I relive this crap. But he's balancing himself on a piece of floss .... only this time I'm not catching him if/when it breaks.
    Get out enjoy life. I thank God for my horses.They ground me , we all need grounding.
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.

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