I feel so broken

M

Maurice00

Fapstronaut
I've been stuck in a cycle of relapse for weeks now and it's draining me physically and mentally. It seems like everytime I try to stop I realize how isolated and lonely I am and I just can't cope. I know really well what sexting and porn do to me, but I keep choosing it because it's somehow better than feeling like I want to die 24/7. I don't know what to do anymore honestly, I've gone on several long streaks. I'm talking upwards to 150 days and it hasn't really made me feel any better because I have nobody in my life, no friends, no family that I can emotionally depend on. I am literally a hermit living in society and it's eating me up inside.. I can't seem make meaningful contacts with others, because I have all these mental issues like anxiety, depression and trust issues. But the problem is that I can't get rid of these issues if I don't have anyone that I can share my feelings with or that I can trust. I'm stuck in a vicious circle. I go to therapy religiously, I work on cognitively sorting out my thoughts, I got medication for my anxiety, I go to school, I am moving out of the house, I work out, I practice a religion, I face my fears everyday, I try to engage with my peers everyday. But it's just not enough, because everytime I tackle one of my problems successfully, for example my anxiety has gotten a lot less lately, that crippling loneliness creeps back in and the depression and suicidal thoughts come back and then I fall back into the cycle of addiction because I can't cope with being alone. I just can't live like this anymore. I have been trying for 5 years now and I'm still alone. It seems like I'm successful in everything, except for curing this crippling loneliness and isolation. I just wish there were people who cared about me so I wouldn't have to resort to this behaviour to feel like I'm worthy. I don't even enjoy it, my dick doesn't even get hard anymore. I only do it for validation, to feel like it's possible for me to be loved and appreciated by people.
 
Maurice00 said:
I've been stuck in a cycle of relapse for weeks now and it's draining me physically and mentally. It seems like everytime I try to stop I realize how isolated and lonely I am and I just can't cope. I know really well what sexting and porn do to me, but I keep choosing it because it's somehow better than feeling like I want to die 24/7. I don't know what to do anymore honestly, I've gone on several long streaks. I'm talking upwards to 150 days and it hasn't really made me feel any better because I have nobody in my life, no friends, no family that I can emotionally depend on. I am literally a hermit living in society and it's eating me up inside.. I can't seem make meaningful contacts with others, because I have all these mental issues like anxiety, depression and trust issues. But the problem is that I can't get rid of these issues if I don't have anyone that I can share my feelings with or that I can trust. I'm stuck in a vicious circle. I go to therapy religiously, I work on cognitively sorting out my thoughts, I got medication for my anxiety, I go to school, I am moving out of the house, I work out, I practice a religion, I face my fears everyday, I try to engage with my peers everyday. But it's just not enough, because everytime I tackle one of my problems successfully, for example my anxiety has gotten a lot less lately, that crippling loneliness creeps back in and the depression and suicidal thoughts come back and then I fall back into the cycle of addiction because I can't cope with being alone. I just can't live like this anymore. I have been trying for 5 years now and I'm still alone. It seems like I'm successful in everything, except for curing this crippling loneliness and isolation. I just wish there were people who cared about me so I wouldn't have to resort to this behaviour to feel like I'm worthy. I don't even enjoy it, my dick doesn't even get hard anymore. I only do it for validation, to feel like it's possible for me to be loved and appreciated by people.
Click to expand...
One thing that i really would advise against is being caught in that vicious nofap , relapse cycle..i was in there for approx 1.5 years and during that time all i wanted to do was kill myself..i didnt know why but i could feel the noose around my neck..
But now as ive gained more clearity regarding these issues i can tell you that what youre doing is tormenting your brain and it in return is tormenting you ...PMO addiction in itself is a whole crazy ass game of rise and fall in the levels of several hormones and the same goes with nofap..in my nofap journey ( 35 days in) im experiencing crazy crazy things..one day im as energetic as a pitbull and the other day i cant get off the bed..one day im reading an entire book and the other day a simple newspaper article is giving me a tough time..
Now youre playing with the both of them..
Each time you start nofap youre going on a war and each time you relapse after that youre going on another war..this cycle creates an entire frenzy if hormonal influx , rise and dip...
YOURE EITHER IN OR YOURE OUT..
and youre not alone in feeling disconnected hermit-y and anti social..ive been there..
Just tag along with me..start your journey today..everythings gonna be fine..
 
I have been alone my whole life. I have that this world is on a different wave length than some of us. We are the ones who have to suffer for a while in order to do great things that can fix the problems everyone is going through.

Dont give up hope. Strengthen yourself mentally and physically. Also enjoy the silence. It is too loud out there with social media, tv, people that are just the worst.

When you are ready you will be with good people that you can enjoy each others company. Then you can find your real lifes work.

I am a scifi writer and all characters ever are alone in some way like what you and most of us feel. I enjoy relating to them and writing my own. Their destiny takes a while to be realized or made for them.

Enders Game, Ready Player One, or Dune are great examples. Books are better than movies especially these 3. Have not seen new Dune yet.
 
Negan© said:
One thing that i really would advise against is being caught in that vicious nofap , relapse cycle..i was in there for approx 1.5 years and during that time all i wanted to do was kill myself..i didnt know why but i could feel the noose around my neck..
But now as ive gained more clearity regarding these issues i can tell you that what youre doing is tormenting your brain and it in return is tormenting you ...PMO addiction in itself is a whole crazy ass game of rise and fall in the levels of several hormones and the same goes with nofap..in my nofap journey ( 35 days in) im experiencing crazy crazy things..one day im as energetic as a pitbull and the other day i cant get off the bed..one day im reading an entire book and the other day a simple newspaper article is giving me a tough time..
Now youre playing with the both of them..
Each time you start nofap youre going on a war and each time you relapse after that youre going on another war..this cycle creates an entire frenzy if hormonal influx , rise and dip...
YOURE EITHER IN OR YOURE OUT..
and youre not alone in feeling disconnected hermit-y and anti social..ive been there..
Just tag along with me..start your journey today..everythings gonna be fine..
Click to expand...

Drambuie said:
I have been alone my whole life. I have that this world is on a different wave length than some of us. We are the ones who have to suffer for a while in order to do great things that can fix the problems everyone is going through.

Dont give up hope. Strengthen yourself mentally and physically. Also enjoy the silence. It is too loud out there with social media, tv, people that are just the worst.

When you are ready you will be with good people that you can enjoy each others company. Then you can find your real lifes work.

I am a scifi writer and all characters ever are alone in some way like what you and most of us feel. I enjoy relating to them and writing my own. Their destiny takes a while to be realized or made for them.

Enders Game, Ready Player One, or Dune are great examples. Books are better than movies especially these 3. Have not seen new Dune yet.
Click to expand...

Thank you guys, your posts make me feel a little better. I guess loneliness isn't the worst thing in the world. It beats being in this constant cycle of chaos and messed up emotions.
 
getting to a point of suicidal thoughts isn't a bad thing
it reminds us of how close we are to death at all times, there is no certainty of a long life...death can come at any time
however, if we thoroughly consider the act of ending our lives, we have to be honest and realize that there are millions of alternative solutions that we can try first, like becoming an outlaw biker or grabbing a backpack and just hitting the road on foot, hitching rides to where ever destiny takes us....
the reason we are not living life to the fullest is FEAR!
Suicide is just a chickenshit way out!
We can do whatever the fuck we want!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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