Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 1429: 12/27/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓

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What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Mini-heater.
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Last night, Wade's knees were acting up, so we skipped the trifecta. We watched "Catch Me if You Can", an oldie but a goodie. He left for work and I went to bed, just as I was getting closer to Lala land, our eldest woke me up because she was having a panic attack. After I calmed her down, she went back to bed, however - had a difficult time getting back to sleep.

Today, I had to skip my workout, but I did not beat myself up over it, I barely slept. When Wade got home, we ran some errands and he told me about his night. As we continued talking, I asked him some general questions and then he added some new information to a previous story. This, of course, triggered me which sucks because I was just starting to ween off the last trigger. He knows that hearing things, in that way, always leaves me with so much fear, uncertainty, and more questions/things to wonder about. I am tired, triggered and over it.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Let myself take a breather.

 

DAY 1430: 12/28/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓

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What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, during the trifecta, Wade talked to me about the incident from earlier in the day, he shared his point of view, which was that watching with her was totally a platonic thing, he would have watched with anyone, he is not attracted to her, no way he could grow a connection with her, etc. I shared mine: given the fact that he made clear to me, that in the past "he would have definitely ogled her", to me... watching a movie - sharing giggles, commentary, aka a 'good time' is equivalent to a date night, especially, when done with someone of the opposite sex. Although I want to believe his side of it (in my heart), in my mind... I am fully aware that the door is always open for slip-ups, especially with his history and when in recovery, therefore, the opportunity to build a connection with someone else is always there, even if he doesn't go out looking for it, it just can happen over time. Later, we continued watching Jumanji, which helped distract me a bit. As we laughed together and enjoyed the movie... I couldn't help connect the fact that what we were doing right now, is exactly what he does with her too, which makes me sad, fearful, and uncertain. Obviously, not a good mix of feelings to have, as we get ready to go out for NYE, with so many potential issues to be had.

Today, I was extremely exhausted, both physically and mentally. I barely wanted to get out of bed, but I pushed myself and eventually got up and started my morning routine. After my workout, I hung out with my little one. Today, once Wade gets home, his 'staycation' begins, which normally I am always excited about, but after the last few days we've had, I have mixed feelings, especially the more I think about the situation as a whole and just how uncertain I am about all of it, not to mention the fact that it is even an issue for me in the first place - it all sucks and I hate being in this kind of mood going into it. I hope my mood turns around or at least gets a little better, but I can not control where my mind goes throughout the day, especially when left to my own devices. I do plan on dealing with some finances, so hopefully, it will keep my mind focused. Fingers crossed***

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Although I did not feel like it, I still worked out.

 

DAY 1431: 12/29/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓

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What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, we actually had a really calm/nice time. Wade was too tired for the trifecta, but we talked on and off about the prior issue that has been on my mind; off and on, for a few days now. I know he's sincere when he tells me that I am "it" for him, that he loves me and is grateful for me; it feels so genuine, so I know it's true. However, my point of view is that both things could be true; at the same time, he could feel what he tells me he feels when he is next to me (because he really does feel like it, at the moment), but things may be different when he isn't around me and I am not in the forefront of his mind. In any case, the truth is, I don't want to feel or think this way, I don't like who it makes me into, but I can't help it. Unfortunately, I can't control what my mind does. We also began watching "Don't Look Up." It has phenomenal acting and serves up an accurate reflection of today's society. After, we went to bed, where we ended up having some fun*. It was awesome and felt special because it took so long to get an opportunity to actually do it.

Even though we got up a little later today, I still did my morning workout. Wade and I began this tradition, where we go to the mall and let the kids have a "yes" day, anything they want to do there, we'll do it... this was almost four years ago, omg, how time flies. We played games, ate food, and spent quality time together. I was actually able to enjoy myself, there were only a few triggers sprinkled around, but none in my face for too long. Tonight, I am excited to finish the movie!

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Stayed positive.

 

DAY 1432: 12/30/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓

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What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after a surprisingly pleasant family day, Wade rounded it off with a soothing trifecta. We just finished watching "Don't Look Up" and I can only say; WOW, a must-see. Before we went to sleep, we took advantage of another opportunity to have some fun.

Today, I got up, did my morning routine, and worked out. Afterward, I budgeted our savings for 2022 and began readying my freelance report for tax season. Next, we have a play date for our kids. The little one is so excited because they both have a "secret crush" on each other, it is too cute. Our eldest is friends with his sister, so I think both will have a good time. Hope it's smooth sailing for all of us, aka not many people.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Finished a lot of mundane tasks, before it was even 9:00 am.

 

DAY 1433: 12/31/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓

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What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after meeting up for a double playdate for our kids, my mood was weird. I mean, there were a good amount of triggers there, but I don't know if talking with the other mom distracted me or what, but I wasn't reacting in the same way I normally would. It was different, Wade thinks it's progress, I guess we shall see.

Today, we are going to do errands and chores, so that we start the new year fresh. I did my morning workout, caught up on responding to people, etc. Tonight, we still plan on going out and I hope that whatever happened yesterday, happens today and I won't get super triggered there and ruin both our night and start 2022 on a bad note. As I've said plenty of times, I want to believe him, but something is stopping me... it sucks but I can not figure it out, not yet at least. I hope I am able to focus on the thoughts of "he is here for me and only me" but I dunno, we will see where the night leads us.

In any event, I hope everyone has a safe, healthy, and Happy New Year!



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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Trying to be positive and start 2022 on a good note.

 

WEEK 204: 01/02/2022

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓

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What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) A warm bed.
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Since I was still doing my daily posts for most of the week, the post will not be too long. Wade was off for NYE, so we decided to go out since we got boosters for extra safety. Despite mulling it over for a while, both due to possible triggers and covid, we decided to do it. Fortunately, there were no triggers there and we stayed as safe as possible! The night was great, we enjoyed each other's company, the food was decent, we danced nonstop, and rang in 2022 in a good mood. Wade looked so handsome as usual in his suit, I couldn't take my eyes off of him and his smile. We had a blast, that's all I can say. We had our annual family breakfast at IHOP with the girls the next morning. Even though both of us were still recovering from the evening out, we still went, everyone was happy, and there were no triggers. Now we have to prepare for a week of remote learning (if not longer! ), which means we'll have a week-long headache. Therefore, we will take our youngest out today, our eldest declined the invitation. During our lunch, there were a few triggers, I knew that the 'no trigger' miracle couldn't last forever. I tried to manage it as best as I could, there were moments where I felt my brain glitching maybe because (for some reason) I wasn't getting as enraged [internally] as I normally do in these situations, so I was faintly able to hear myself saying "stop, he promised that he is focused on you only" but then that was cut off with "yeah, but LOOK at them, then yourself, it is just not possible" and the trigger came back. Either way, this was new to me, I don't think I was ever able to tune out; even a little, out of a trigger. What changed? who knows, maybe it really is just my brain glitching because I am so out of it/exhausted.

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What I liked about myself this week:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I genuinely had a very good time out with Wade on New Year's Eve and started 2022 that way, which gives me some hope.

 

WEEK 205: 01/08/2022

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓

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What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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This week was all right. We started the New Year off with a bang, but then reality set back in. I guess we do not recover from a party the same way that we use to lol. I also had other stuff going on, so I could not do my normal morning routine. Wade began his classes and I am so proud of him for taking this on, it began to dawn on me, that it might also result in us reverting back to the connection we had pre-recovery, aka no connection. I say this because, as I was sitting watching TV and coloring, a few hours passed and I looked around and I was alone. Our kids were off in their own rooms, doing their thing, Wade was in the bedroom doing his assignment. It instantly took me back to the days where he would be in there (doing God knows what) or even playing a video game, and I'd be alone watching tv or numbing out in my online world (Facebook groups, etc). I guess one could say this was an environmental trigger. Wade did pick up on my mood and asked what was wrong, I told him and he said he felt that too. He said I am his #1 priority and if needed he would postpone his studies until after he retires. I do not want him to do that, I would feel like it was 100% my fault, as usual, the guilt would eat me alive. The rest of the week was all right, we dealt with remote learning as best as we could. It was much more challenging for us to handle our teen than it was our little one. We also had a snow day, which the kiddos enjoyed, of course, I would rather be laying at the beach though lol. Wade's staycation ended and he had to return to work. I was able to start my workout routine again, which was much better for me. Now, I await my procedure, which I'm sure will be "fun". Ciao!

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What I liked about myself this week:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I am finally back to my morning routine.

 

WEEK 206: 01/16/2022

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓

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What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Heaters.
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This past week was a whirlwind when all I wanted was some calm. We started with a plan to decorate our home for Valentine's day, however, we had to stall because the kids gave us something to ... umm keep busy with. After all-that mess was somewhat settled, I had my endoscopy, which thankfully went smoothly. I am still waiting on the biopsy results. We made our home pretty for V-day, we wanted to just relax, especially since Wade finished his test quickly! but then my crown fell out and we needed an emergency visit to the dentist. Luckily, he was able to fix it quickly. We wanted a small reprieve, so we got some chipotle but even that was less than satisfying because all of the meat they gave us was pure fat and my rice tasted like a brick of pure salt. If that wasn't enough, Wade pulled his back last night and has been in pain ever since. Well, I guess one could say we had a lot of excitement in one week, sigh, I hope this next one will be better.

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What I liked about myself this week:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Trying to make it through with a smile on my face.

 

WEEK 207: 01/23/2022

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓

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What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) My dad's latest result.
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Once again, this week has been a roller-coaster ride. Wade was on sick leave due to a back injury. While I dislike when he is hurt, I love it when he is home. The fact that he was at home all week gave him lots of time to complete his schoolwork without the added pressure of a tight deadline. My dad (and we) got great news from his doctor, so we decided to have a little celebratory dinner. I hope it stays this way and I am SOOOOO grateful that I found this doctor. The other doctor, "a bigger expert" in this field, and from a specialized hospital... wanted to jump right into extreme surgery without considering other options first; he said waiting was going to be a waste of time and gave us a grim prospect of my dad's situation. I decided to look for a second opinion and found another expert, also from an accredited hospital, but not one that specialized in this field. It was the best decision I've made, because this doctor turned out to be gentle, more considerate of his patient, and wanted to try everything he could first, before jumping into a life-altering surgery. We are so thankful for him because the problem is being taken care of, with care, patience, and without the need for that life-altering surgery. Then, my biopsy result came back, and apparently, I have a 'difficult to remove' bacteria in the lining of my gut, that, if not taken care of asap, could lead to dangerous outcomes. I'm now taking 8 pills a day for the next two weeks and the side effects are the worst. I feel like I'm a useless ragdoll - everything hurts and makes me want to gag. All I want to do is sleep, but my body won't turn off so I just lay or color. Coloring really helps distract me from how bad I feel. It's not 100% but better than nothing. It's difficult to function, although I try to push myself as far as I can muster. Plus, dealing with kids in this condition sucks as well, especially now that Wade is back to work and will be sleeping most of the day. I hope two weeks will be enough. I can't take this much longer, but I'm preparing myself because my GI warned me this might take a while. I hope that next week will be a little easier.

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What I liked about myself this week:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Not shaming myself for skipping some workouts.

 

It is always very traumatic on the both of us, on so many levels, every > unfortunate < time it happens. Thank you for reaching out, I appreciate it.

 

WEEK 208: 01/30/2022

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓

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What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Recovery.
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This week, I continued taking my medications, up 16 a day and it has been mentally and physically affecting me. I have been trying to make the best of it and pushing through, just so the kids don't get afraid but there were times when I needed to give a warning to Wade, that if I send him a specific message, that means I need someone to come check on me. Other than that mess, we ended up getting hit with a Nor'easter and took an adventure out to do some last-minute shopping. Not smart, I know, but we ended up being ok and got everything we needed to celebrate.

Yesterday marked the 4th year of recovery for Wade and healing for me. Wow, I can not believe that he has been PM-free for FOUR YEARS. I don't think either of us could really fathom it, although we are living in the results. I am happy that we are here, I am proud of him and of us, that we have been able to work together to make it to this place, that neither of us thought possible. @Wade W. Wilson I am grateful to be on this lifelong journey with you. I look forward to seeing where this goes! let's keep changing, growing, and leveling up together.

Sidenote: in order to celebrate, Wade made one of my favorite dishes for dinner; Penne Alla Vodka, and it was delicious! it was his first time and to me, it was perfection. Thank you, baby.

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What I liked about myself this week:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Trying not to shame myself for not having the energy to workout all week.

 

Thank you very much, we appreciate the support and kind words. It is 150% possible especially when you work at it as a team!

We are so happy to hear that, if our trials and tribulations give others hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel, it makes us proud. This journey has a lot of ups and downs, but it is worth the connection that you both will develop from it.

I wish everyone happiness and success because we all know that there is enough pain all around that we do not need avoidable extras.

 

WEEK 209: 02/06/2022

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓

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What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Working Out.
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This week, I finally finished my medication course. I felt the difference almost immediately after I stopped taking them, it's crazy how that works. Now, I have to wait another 2 weeks to test again and see if any of it made a difference. Overall, the week has been good, we got a lot done and with very minimal triggers. Last night we even found the opportunity to have some adult fun* which was so overdue, but wonderful. I also want to give @Wade W. Wilson a shout-out, not only does he work full time (nights) but also does so much for us girls during the day, which we all appreciate! he still manages to get his school work completed and is acing it at that! I am so proud of you baby!

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What I liked about myself this week:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Finally got back on track with my morning exercises.

 

WEEK 210: 02/14/2022

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓

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What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Completing a very difficult photo.
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This week, my client sent me my work for the upcoming issue and OMG was it a doozy, so much work needed to be done, it has been insane. I think my back was hurting to the point where the pain just became a numb sensation. Anyway, today I finally finished all of it, and tomorrow I send the final shot back and wait for any possible revisions. Overall, the rest of the week was all right, we did have an incident where I got triggered by trickle-down information on Wade's part, while he was at training which caused me to not want to go out on a date night for Valentine's Day. Either way, we still had a good one, we exchanged gifts and Wade got me a very thoughtful necklace with words that meant a lot to me, specifically. I appreciated that and I got him a childish gift, but I feel it was also a bit sentimental because it means something special to just us. Now, I hope there won't be too many revisions needed, my back and eyes need a break.

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What I liked about myself this week:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I actually made it through my own 'hell week' work edition.

 

WEEK 211: 02/19/2022

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓

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What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Wade's staycation started.
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This week, I finally finished all of my work and it looks like there are no revision requests. What a relief, I was worried that some work would spill over and take up a good chunk of my time during Wade's staycation. It's his birthday week and I hope it can be a calm, nice, and trigger-free one. Although he has a major project to finish for school, I think we will find some time for ourselves and our kiddos.

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What I liked about myself this week:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Finished all of my work.

 

WEEK 212: 02/26/2022

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓

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What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Test Result.
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This week, Wade was on his birthday staycation. We had a long week, beginning with visiting his parent's new house which was exhausting. Then we had a frustrating experience with a medical test I had to do, but at least the result was a good one. Wade finished his first-class with flying colors, I am so proud of him and now he has begun his new one. Overall it has been a good week and today we are going to the movies to rewatch Spiderman. I hope there won't be any triggers there so that I could have a relaxed and peaceful experience.

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What I liked about myself this week:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Getting rid of a pesky health issue.