Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 424:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Overwhelmed | Playful | Exhausted
    Partner: Calm | Understood | Content
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Sick | Sick | Sick

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Morning Walk.
    2) Nature.
    3) Music.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we finished listening to BAE's podcast "Dating and That Porn Convo", which was about - how you go about bringing up porn and porn use/betrayal trauma/history with someone new. Wade and I both weren't too crazy about this one, we did not agree with how (mostly Coby) was expressing his "how-to" opinions, which seemed like a bit much in our opinions. Then he had to go to work, last night before his 'weekend' thankfully!

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Overcome Negative Thinking”, in this episode, Joel Osteen talks to us about why it's so important to overcome negative thinking. Remember, positive results never come from negative thoughts.

    This morning, started like the last few have for me... feeling like shit myself, plus my dad calling me bright and early and then coming over to continue the broken record of how bad he is feeling until it was time for me to drive the girls to school. Then, FINALLY, I got to my sweet little spot on the map, where I have my walks, parked the car and was free, if only for an hour or two. I sooooooo needed the sound, smell, and feel of nature. During my walk, I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "The Spiritual Side of Addiction" his featured guest was Mark Anthony Lord an expert in the area of spirituality and recovery. He is an author, coach, speaker, and minister, who has seen firsthand the damage that addiction can have on one’s spirituality and faith. Mark believes that when we heal, it must first be from within. As a Reverend, he helps people from all walks of life become back in tune with their spiritually or possibly even connect for the first time, if that's their thing. He and Rob also talk about the isolating nature of addiction, the connection between God and sexuality, and the one relationship that we can count on no matter what the circumstances, the one between ourselves and our higher power. I am not religious at all, neither is Rob from what I gather, however, Mark does not push religion and he actually expresses how a lot of them get it wrong and if you do not believe in God, your higher power could be anything, even you. He does go into religious addicts though and how dealing with spirituality is one of the hardest challenges that sex addicts tend to have, whether it’s their own personal morality, or within the healing process.

    Then, I was enjoying the alone time so much that I did not want to go straight home, I drove around a little, listened to a little science podcast. In the afternoon, Wade woke up and his foot was thankfully feeling better. We went to our daughter's parent/teacher conference. Then spent the rest of the day being lazy at home... which is what I needed, to defuse.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Had willpower to power me through, when motivation wasn't enough.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Relationships
    DeVon Franklin: Relationships, Love, and Lust with Lewis Howes



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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    [​IMG]
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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 425:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Content | Free | Playful
    Partner: Nervous | Loving | Distant
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Content | Calm | Tired

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Conversations with Wade.
    3) Podcasts.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, his foot was feeling better and I was a little more rested too, since I avoided any 'free time/alone' at home, in order to not be easily available to get drained by my parents, it sounds selfish, I know, but I have been so depleted. Anyway, he gave me a nice and relaxing back rub, it felt so good. While he did that, we listened to BAE's podcast "How Long is it Gonna Take?" where they try to breakdown the answer, to one of the biggest and probably most common questions that are on everyone's mind, at all points of recovery, especially when we feel overwhelmed. Recovery is hard because it makes us uncomfortable at best and painful at its worst. So we often find ourselves wondering, how long does it take to finally be "done" for all of it to be "fixed" because it is just all too exhausting. This episode tries to illustrate how pain tolerance is a key function of recovery so we don't see time as working against us, but as an experience/growth, etc. Much like the nitty gritty process required in order to 'get to the good stuff'.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Helpful Tips on How to Increase Your Productivity”, in this episode, Niharika from Skillopedia gives us some helpful tips on how to increase our productivity. Remember, focus on being productive instead of busy.

    This morning, we headed out to a podiatrist appointment that Wade had, the doctor seemed to know his stuff. He made some recommendations. I hope they'll help, he said Wade has something called "bursitis of the foot". On the way to and from, we listened to BAE's podcast "How do I set Boundaries in my Relationship vs Ultimatums?", when we first read the title we thought it was finally going to be about the hard truths of recovery, true boundaries for the addict, betrayed, realistic consequences/expectations vs ultimatums vs control, etc. but it was not, they touched on it a little but circled around personal boundaries and self-love more. Brandon made a lot of good points in this one like if you have good boundaries set up and are sticking to them, it will ruin your bad relationships. However, Coby ... something has been up with him the last few podcasts, he seems to be overly dramatic, like he is overcompensating for something, putting on a show, etc., it is a bit weird and comes off snotty/arrogant. Anyway, boundaries are a critical piece of any relationship, especially a committed relationship. If you want a thriving relationship boundaries are critical, healthy ones for both partners.

    Then in the afternoon, our eldest was invited to a birthday party, so we dropped her off there. Then took the little out with us, for some family time. The weather was nice, so we let her run around a little outdoors, had some lunch together and topped it off with some ice cream, she was really happy. It was nice quality time with her, however, I could have gone without all of the triggers that come with this weather. I tried my best not to show it, I did not want to ruin the family time/moment, but there were a lot of threats/triggers roaming around and it was difficult for me to focus at times. I was trying to navigate between *seeing a trigger* - my mind thinking so many bad thoughts - *focusing back on my phone/game in order to distract myself* - boom another trigger - and it starts all over again. I hate this shit, it really ruins my mood at the moment and interferes with the family time, because as much as I want to enjoy it, I can't because all I'm thinking about is "yep, that's who he wishes I looked like" "yup, he would trade me in for her in a nanosecond" "I bet he wishes he were with her, not me". :-(

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: How my hair looked today, even unwashed lol.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    How to achieve success & Boost your productivity



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
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  3. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 426:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Joyful | Annoyed | Playful
    Partner: Eager | Content | Vulnerable
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Tired | Calm | Exhausted

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Wade.
    3) Patience.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he gave me another soothing back rub, this time it was because I asked - something I haven't done in a while, I don't like asking anymore, I stopped before recovery even began. Because pre-recovery, I would often ask him for foot rubs/massages and felt like it was such a chore/bother for him, an annoyance (me even me asking) then after agreeing to do it, it would take him a while to get started, when he finally would he'd half-ass it, to the point where I would often time just tell him to "forget it". I would have been happier with him just being honest and just saying "no, I don't feel like doing it", then how it was happening. Anyway, the massage from the night before felt so good, I just couldn't help it, I wanted another one LOL #SorryNotSorry. We also have an 'epic' finish to the night... adding intimacy and connection to sex makes a world of difference.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Develop Self-Discipline”, in this episode, today Alex Heyne talks about How to develop self-discipline. His tips are 1. Doing what’s right and not what’s easy, 2. Concentrate on the long term reward versus short term gains, 3. Act according to your GOALs, not your current feelings, 4. Take 100% responsibility for your life, and 5. Have meticulous time management. Remember, with self-discipline all things are possible.

    This morning, we decided to have a quick walk and listened to BAE's podcast "Having Eyes to See Success", which started on point and digressed into various subjects throughout, as they recently have been doing. I wish they would stick to the topic at hand because sometimes I think it needs to be discussed or just call the podcast something else so it is not misleading. Anyhow, they went into how when things went wrong for Ashlynn and/or Coby, they developed eyes to see all the things that were bad, negative, hard or fell short of expectations and often blame the other partner for all of it. The point being, it's so easy to blame others for problems that come before us, when things are bad, it can become overwhelming and feel like everything is headed in that direction. When we step outside of ourselves and our current situation, breathe and take a moment to see a light at the end of the tunnel, have some hope, positive reinforcement ... somehow laws of attraction just help things fall into place for us. I guess that is somewhat how all of this worked out for Wade and I, if we really sit down and think about it, because technically speaking, at this point, I would have been officially filing the paperwork for our separation because that was the plan, because I never thought, in a million years that he would change or even attempt recovery - but look where we are now... still a huge work in progress, but our story has changed and no one saw it coming, especially, not me. During the walk, there was a pair of walkers there, "threats" who triggered me a little, I distracted myself with the podcast and the game as best as I could. When we were coming home Wade asked me about it, he joked next time I get triggered, why don't I think of our 'romp' the night before as a good distraction lol and I found that cute and funny, but I told him that the sad reality would be... that it would make the trigger worse and possibly taint sex for the next few days for me. Since, for me, when I get triggered my thoughts take me to "he prefers her, over me" if I were to think of 'last night', I would think of 'it' with "yep, he would probably wish it was her, in my place, that night" -- which neither of us would want me doing.

    Then we went to iHOP with the girls, spend a little family time. We took my mom, my dad guilted her a little about going and leaving him home alone but I am glad she decided to go anyway. There were quite a few triggers there for me too, but again, with my mom there and the girls, I tried to keep myself as distracted as possible. I really hate that I can't do or go anywhere, without triggers. I wish my triggers didn't involve half of the fucking population, how does one cope with or heal through that? seriously? ugh. It's so draining and feels self-defeating, I'm not safe from triggers anywhere I go. He keeps telling me he wants me and desires me and I want to believe him (so badly, I really do), but so far, I don't, I just can't, because I guess my gut is not registering it or is still so numbed out/silenced on this particular issue, after 12 years - that when my triggers hit, what I know to be my fact, just hit the 'replay' button in my head, and there's nothing there to contest with it - no 'gut narrative' to argue with my 'spike narrative' after the trigger settles and that feeling sucks. I feel guilty and ashamed about it because I see Wade trying and I know it's not like it was before but there's obviously something wrong with me.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Again, multiple triggers today, but kept my cool as best as I could.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    The 5 Habits of Highly Disciplined People



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  4. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    That really is one of the very worst bits of fallout about this. I have found that even when I am out alone, I now have parts of my husband's disease. I am always scanning for threats in my environment, staring at women I see and comparing myself to them. I used to never do this, but now I am constantly evaluating and ranking women according to how my husband would like them. Ugh. That is the most awful feeling. I have become what I hate. How does one cope indeed? So sorry you have these thought patterns, too.
    Please don't beat yourself up. Remember - you are reacting to very real things that happened to you for a very long time and you have good reasons for those reactions. You did not create the situation that led to these feelings, thoughts, and reactions.
    Based on what you've been through, you have years of excellent reasons for NOT believing. It will take a while to building up enough reasons TO believe.
     
  5. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you for understanding, at least I know that I am not an 'exclusive' case here. I'm also sorry, that you too, have to go through this.

    I know, I just wish I could turn my brain off because, as you know, it gets so exhausting.

    You are right, I know you are, I guess I expect too much much or I just want the torment to just stop already and I'm trying to rush it.
     
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  6. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    564
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    Yes. It IS exhausting. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep for a few years.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  7. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 427:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Annoyed | Playful | Joyful
    Partner: Confident | Insecure | Vulnerable
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Tired | Insignificant | Exhausted

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Morning walks.
    3) Great talks.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we talked about my triggers and then we spoke about my parents. The trigger talk, we've had multiple times, so I won't rewrite what I've written before. Then we watched some TV and called it a night, I have been really tired recently and was passing out.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Going From A Victims Mentality to Self Empowerment”, in this episode, Christy Whitman, the New York Times bestselling author of The Art of Having It All, talks about going from having a victims mentality to self-empowerment. Remember, nobody can make us feel bad without our permission.

    This morning, because the weather turned to freezing again, to walk at the mall. We listened to Jay Shetty's podcast "Mike Posner: ON How Fame Ruined His Life", for those who don't know, Mike Posner is the musician behind the hit songs "I Took A Pill In Ibiza" and "Cooler Than Me". But behind the flashing lights and sold-out shows lies a very unique mind, one that has learned to deal with fame and fortune and most recently—the loss of his father. Mike shares his insights on how to deal with loss, why moments of epiphany must be processed, and what the difference between the mind and intelligence is. Mike even asks Jay some profound questions about his own experience unpacking mindfulness. While we listened, we paused and talked throughout. It was funny because I've had my own philosophies on life/recovery, even though I listen to, learn, adapt and 'pick up ideas' from all these inspiring motivational speakers...I have my own mind and ideas as I journey through my healing process and self-care. I guess Wade and I never really dived too deep into it, but I've mentioned my theme to him multiple times, that I believe there should be a "balance" in everything but I never elaborated beyond that. Today, while we were listening, Mike (and Jay) they kept talking about how life is so much better and how necessary it was to look at things as always positive, everything is just better that way. I do not agree with that concept, my philosophy is more on the yin and yang side. Nothing is always positive, you can't always be happy, life is not always peachy and not every situation is rainbows and sunshine and in my opinion you have to learn to cope through that, not throw wool over your eyes and pretend everything is "ok" because you're "supposed to be positive", that will only make you even more depressed. That concept blew his mind, it was cute, then what I added to it, he got even more excited and that was even cuter. I said, on that note, them expecting you to look at everything as positive, goes against their other messages of "progress, not perfection", because if someone is constantly striving to make sure everything is always good and their outlook is always "positive" ... they'll be expecting perfection and good feelings in everything because anything less than would be a downer, aka give us negative vibes. I explained it to him better in person, but yeah it was fun.

    Later we went to the supermarket for our weekly run, we stayed on budget which was great. However, there were triggers there for me, again. Lately, between the supermarket and CVS, I'm having more anxiety going there, than fun. At one point Wade came up to me and tried to kiss me, after a threat/trigger just passed, I told him to chill with it and he acted surprised. He did something off/out of character a few minutes prior, which I pressumed was to distract me long enough, for this trigger to leave the vacinity. So, it was a few things packed into one that soured me. Then during the whole car ride back, he was defending his actions and explaining how he did not see her for about 10-15 minutes, repeating the same points over and over, on loop only towards the end did he finally just say he was sorry and he understands why it may have appeared this way to me. I told him he could have just started with that, ended within 5 minutes and not made things worse. His repetitive loop just escalated my trigger(s) and made me think "gee, he's really defensive, for someone who 'didn't see anyone' hmm"... sigh...

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Gave Wade an epiphany, lol it was cute.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    Quantum Success Show: From Victim to Self Empowerment



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Susannah likes this.
  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 428:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Annoyed | Content | Frustrated
    Partner: Resentful | Withdrawn | Distant
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Tired | Overwhelmed | Exhausted

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) My solo morning walk.
    2) Day Nap.
    3) Kids Bedtime.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night started out good, he gave me a nice back rub and we talked about the trigger at the supermarket as well as the incident that followed (his repetitive, defensive loop). During the massage, I offered up an idea/suggestion about a possible schedule change for the day, because he had to stay up a little later, so he could sleep in (he had to work two shifts) and I thought maybe he can go to bed with me, wake up early, walk with me, then come back and sleep until it was time to go to work. I had a long ass day ahead of me because of his double shift (with the kids), plus I needed to go to a doctors appointment with my dad which usually sucks the life out of me further - the day was going to be hectic, so I figured it would be our only time to really talk. He said he doesn't that would work because he might be too tired and then he said he began feeling a lot of shame coming over him and we talked it through, I was fine with it. Everything seemed okay, then we went to watch some TV as it was nearing 11 pm my NyQuil starting kicking in, plus the last few days my body has been giving out and I've just been super exhausted and when it hits, it hits. So, I told him multiple times that I am really tired and wanted to go to sleep, I said I don't know what's going on with me and he responded with "I wish I knew", he said he would lay down with me for a few minutes to cuddle and then go back out for a few hours (which is normal). So, I laid down, hugged my pillow, turned onto my stomach and was ready to doze off, which is rare enough for me. Once he got in bed, he asks me to turn to my side, so he could hug me tighter, so I did but then his intentions were made clearer, he began trying to turn me on, to initiate sex, knowing how tired I was and what kind of day I had ahead of me, so I wouldn't even have a chance to nap, etc. I told him, I'm sorry but I am just too tired, I am falling asleep and just having to say that made me feel so bad inside, it filled me up with shame and guilt instantly. He told me it was fine, not to worry, he wouldn't hold any resentment and went to the other room to do his stuff. So, I turned back onto my stomach, hoping to go back to sleep but... nope, game over my brain was switched "on" and wasn't quieting down, the guilt of "what if's", so much uncertainty, the shame of having to reject him because I was actually so tired, but also knowing how it feels to be on the other end of rejection for over a decade was eating me up, the thoughts just kept going off rapid-fire style. What if my saying "no", and him being out there drinking, possibly thinking about it and feeling shame over it, causes a relapse, that would be my fault. The people pleaser in me then chimes in with the "you should have said yes, now you're a disappointment to him, he'll be unhappy and it's all your fault". Then my self-esteem issues begin taking over with "if it wasn't bad enough that he already prefers other women to you, physically, now you are going to deny him the one thing he enjoys about your body? good job, now he'll have even more reason to keep prefering others, next time he won't even bother going for it either". I was laying like a zombie staring at the ceiling with all those thoughts and thousands more circulting through my head, I can't even remember them all now... starting at the celing... two hours had gone by, I am still not even close to falling asleep, I had to go back out and take another dose of NyQuil, I hoped that it would help. Wade asked why I wasn't sleeping, I told him I couldn't and needed more NyQuil, he said he was coming to bed soon. I tried going to sleep again, same shit, 30 more minutes go by and still my brain wasn't done... I had to get back up and take another dose, he questioned what was wrong, why I wasn't sleeping and I told him, I felt guilty and couldn't sleep. A few minutes later he came into the room and it began, he began blaming himself for all of it and turned on victim mode big time. I felt like what I was saying was getting misconstrued and taken in ass-backwards. He said that he couldn't understand why I felt guilty, when he told me that he wouldn't be upset or hold any resentment and began bringing up that he thought that by this point I had more trust in him, more faith in his recovery and where he was at not to assume that he would take my no and relapse because of it. All I heard was a lot of "me, me, me" and no empathy for the fact that his intial actions that were selfish and inconsiderate, he put me in the position of having to say no in the first place, being completely aware of how difficult it is for me to fall asleep and what sort of day I had ahead of me - all he was thinking about was getting laid. That although I stated clearly that my fear of him relapsing (and it being my fault for saying no) was only a fraction of the thoughts that were keeping me up, he kept harping on that point and how "this just proves I need to work harder and prove more" which he kept repeating, over and over, how he felt guilty now etc., again pointing back to himself, playing the victim the whole time, completly ignoring the fact of just how much pain and fear, I've been sitting in for the last few hours and how much more there-there is going on behind all my guilt of saying "NO" than just him and his issues, like I mentioned things like MY OWN guilt, shame, fears, uncertainty, insecurities, rejection, issues with people pleasing and worst of all self-esteem - no space holding whatsoever, sigh.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Develop Self-Awareness”, in this episode, best selling author Brendon Burchard talks about how to develop self-awareness. He shares why some people feel a disconnection from themselves and the moments of their lives. He labels the cause as the Four Horseman of Self-Awareness: Directionlessness, Detachment, Disassociation, Distraction. Remember, self-awareness doesn't stop you from making mistakes. It allows you to learn from them.

    This morning, I walked alone, which was great, I needed it really bad after the long ass night I had. During my walk, I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Shame, Honor, and Culture" his featured guest was Sam Louie is a psychotherapist, blogger, and speaker on cultural shame and addictions. Sam is also an Emmy Award-Winning former broadcast journalist. His books include, "Asian Shame and Addiction: Suffering in Silence" and "Slanted Eyes: The Asian-American Poetic Experience". Sam is a first-generation immigrant from Hong Kong who grew up amidst 3 generations of addictions. Sam is on a mission to reach more of the Asian - American culture and help them with their heavy shame and cultural stigmas surrounding addiction. Sam reflects on his own experience of addiction, getting help and how he went from feeling defective to comfortable in his own skin and a role model for others. He talks about how shame can run deep in the Asian - American culture for cases of addiction, sexual issues, and divorce. He also believes that educating yourself first on the nature of addiction is key. Then, finding someone of your ethnic background or cultural identification can help very much on the road to recovery.

    All I can say is I walked and walked and walked, it was something I needed and refreshing. After the podcast, I turned on my dance music and just let my mind relax. Then I spent the last 10 minutes just taking scenic photos and that made me feel good. Tomorrow, Wade has his man's group with Coby, so he'll need to wake up early, it's likely I will walk alone again and I think I'll make it another 4.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Walked 4.5 miles today, it was brisk, but it felt so good.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    The Death of Self-Awareness



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG][​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 429:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Exhausted | Free | Playful
    Partner: Calm | Loving | Content
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Eager | Content | Tired

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Morning Walk.
    2) Nature.
    3) Recovery.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, Wade wanted to talk, I was wary of it, I told him I felt like we "talked" more than enough the night before. Of course, I was being sarcastic because he was playing the victim then and I couldn't get a word in edgewise. Anyway, so we laid down and he said he really wanted to hear me out this time, hold my space, do it right, unlike last time. So, this time, without him interrupting me and going into victim/defensive/fix it mode - I was able to explain to him, that sometimes, not everything is about him, sometimes there's a lot more going on then meets the eye, a whole lot of mixed pain and emotions happening all at once. Like, I have a lot of my own shit that boils over when my fear cycle gets triggered. Yes, maybe the initial thought that may have started it all began from "oh shit, 'what if my rejecting him, causes him to go into shame and somehow that causes him to relapse?' " but then the rest of the stops that freight train made as it went off the rails were all about my own fears and insecurities, all of the stuff I listed in last night's post. He apologized for not holding my space at all, for playing the victim and then throwing trust and our progress in my face, forcing me to defend/justify my feelings of guilt, which only escalated my trigger, at a time when I was already feeling so fearful and helpless. I think overall it was a productive and positive talk, I just wish it could have been that way from the get-go and not after the fact. I mean, if he would have just come in the room that night, sat there and let me express my fears as he held my space, without reacting in defense or victim, everything could have gone so differently.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Practice Self Love and Acceptance”, in this episode, we inspiring words from various motivational speakers (a compilation) from the Daily Motivation YouTue channel on how to practice self-love. Remember, comparing yourself to others is an act of violence against yourself.

    This morning, I walked alone, I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Drug and Sex Addiction (chem-sex)" his featured guest was Dr. David Fawcett, therapist, author of "Lust, Men and Meth", an expert in methamphetamines and stimulants in sexual behavior. David and Rob discuss trends in drug use among the gay male and female population, the frequent co-occurrence of both sex and drug addictions, risk factors and consequences of meth use, and the need for disruption in therapy to update training, assessment, and treatment. Rob and David discuss the importance of finding a therapist that is well versed in the specialty one are seeking focused help, then they role-played a typical call of someone seeking help for addiction and a potential therapist - which reminded me a lot of the kinds of answers Wade was getting from some of them, who were obviously not qualified lol.

    Today Wade had his group with Coby, he told me he confronted him about not really "mentoring" and not understanding what the $175.00 a month was for if he isn't really mentoring anything. I can't wait to hear all about that session tonight, I know how difficult it is to confront someone with truth, so I am proud of him for doing that.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Did another 4.5+ miles and spent some time shooting nature shots!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivaltional
    Rethink Your Entire Life and Work



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    justafriend and Wade W. Wilson like this.
  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 430:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Exhausted | Free | Playful
    Partner: Content | Loving | Calm
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Overwhelmed | Helpless | Tired

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Morning Walk.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Having an open mind.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he gave me a back rub, I'm feeling a bit spoiled but it feels so good lol I've been walking so much that much whole body is aching, so they really help. We spoke about his live group meeting with Coby and how he confronted him about not being a 'mentor'... in his mentoring group and felt like Coby was making excuses, in denial and kind of gaslighting him. I'm so proud of him for having the courage to speak his truth, as I know first hand it does not come easy, especially not for somebody who always found comfort in lying. Then we went to watch some TV, it was nice and tender, I didn't want him to leave.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “7 Simple Tips On How to Stop Negative Self Talk and End Anxiety”, in this episode, we get a few helpful tips on how to stop negative self-talk. 1. Notice your body language, 2. Use Affirmations, 3. Mindfulness, 4. Know your triggers, 5. Distract yourself, 6. Find a trustful person, 7. Exercise, 8. Daily Journal, 9. Self-talk using a mirror, 10. Misreading and 11. Don’t apply your perspectives to someone else. Remember, never say anything about yourself that you don't wish to have come true.

    This morning, I walked alone, I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Redemption and Recovery" his featured guest was Tom Ryan, who is a spiritual community leader, father, husband, and knows all too well the struggles of living a hidden life of denial and secrets. Tom is also the author of "Ashamed No More" and is Founding and Executive Director of Living Integrated, an organization that helps individuals with compulsive sexual behaviors find hope and healing by integrating their spirituality with healthy recovery practices. The topic of this podcast was a big one, one of the most important, yet least covered subjects matter in sex addiction - redemption. Tom talks about recovery, hope, and the irony of holding a position of power and prestige while dealing with an addiction, and when it’s okay to not get it right the first time, or the second. He found himself continuously drawing the line of his boundaries further away from his morals and then feeling the guilt and shame that came along with the emptiness and loneliness of living a secret addicted life. Tom and Rob discuss the disconnection and isolation that comes with addiction. Much like eating potato chips when you are hungry, you are satisfying an urge with an impulse that in the long run isn’t good or healthy for you, and doesn’t make you any less hungry than when you first started. He also shares how he came out to his wife as an addict, and the impact the disclosure had on his healing and marriage.

    Once I got home, I got to hug Wade before he went to bed, then after he did - I had a few minutes to myself to at least finish my breakfast. Shortly after my parents came in and then for about two hours I was trying to pep talk my dad, but the whole conversation was daunting exhausting overall. I feel so out of it and drained at this point like someone was bashing my head in with a hammer. I feel really bad for my dad, a year ago I would have been able to easily sit in his negative, depressive feelings with him because I was there too, but now I know there's another way and I realize just how powerful the mind is... but trying to explain that to him, really is like talking to a wall. However, it does not stop him for telling me the same exact thing over and over again, when I can do nothing to help him.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Pushed myself to walk three rounds, even though midway through the first, I was demotivated.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    Stop Negative Thoughts



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  11. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 431:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Exhausted | Free | Annoyed
    Partner: Inquisitive | Tired | Thankful
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Overwhelmed | Helpless | Frustrated

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Morning Walk.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Moments of Silence.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we talked about the various podcasts we both listened to during our day. Wade has been catching up on Robert Weiss's content and says it has really expanded his views on so many things I agreed and shared with him that I feel the same way. He said he is really happy I shared it with him, I'm glad I did too, I told him if anything intrigues me, I always share it with him. He also told me about excerpts that he read from Terry Crews book "Manhood: How to Be a Better Man-or Just Live with One" and just finds so much of what he is reading relatable. Then we went and watched some TV until he had to go to work.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Maintain Inner Peace Even In Stressful Situations”, in this episode, our friends at The Daily Positive give us some great tips on how to maintain our inner peace. Remember, don't let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.

    This morning, we finally got to walk together again, it has been a while. We did not listen to anything, Wade wanted to talk to me about his feelings of shame, which he went over and we discussed that. He told me how some of the stuff he read in Terry Crews book "Manhood: How to Be a Better Man-or Just Live with One" made him realize, how shame bubbles up for him in certain situations as well and then we continued talking about shame, triggers, panic attacks and how sometimes those feelings take over us and are unbearable to manage.

    Mid-morning/afternoon, we took my dad to a doctors appointment... from the waiting room, through the visit with the doctor herself, I slowly felt the drain beginning. I thought that when we got home, my parents would head to their apartment and I'd have at least 1 hour of some peace and quiet before the kids were back from school... but nope, my mom decided to come over and stay until I was only left for about 20 minutes to myself. So, with the few minutes that I had, I just read a little bit of my book "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will" by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. Some interesting excerpts I found, about how kids mimic us and how we learn from our own parents, aka learned behavior. "If a child wants to eat McDonald’s every day or play on X-Box for hours on end, the parent needs to recognize that these may be substitutes for their not being present in the moment—a habit children learn from us", and "As a new mother, to realize all my choices now had bearing on another human being felt like a heavy burden to bear. Whether I ordered a diet soda or water, fries or salad, worked out or vegged out in front of the television, nothing was simply about me anymore. How I used my time, coped with anxiety, handled failure, related to my spouse, took care of my finances—everything now affected how another human being would eventually lead her own life".

    My dad came with me to pick up the kids, the whole ride there I listened to the same complaints from this morning. Then once we got home, I had to deal with the kids (noise on top of noise) and then both my parents came over, because they knew Wade was sleeping and decide to stay until he woke up. The entire time I was again getting the life drained out of me, listening to the same complaints over and over again. I am at a loss, I feel helpless as there is absolutely nothing I can do for him. I don't mind holding space, but I can not do it 24/7 without it chipping away at my own essence. The problem is, I also feel bad for my mom who has to hear it 100x more than me, which makes her sick and depressed, so she brings him over to get some relief herself, but then I end up stuck. Any advice or positive spin I try to offer him is met with total negativity, which no matter how much I try to stay "upbeat" and positive (#selfcare) it is extremely draining on me. I wish I could rent a Russian Tony Robbins to come over and talk some sense into him.

    Once Wade woke up, he saw what a mess I was and tried to help by massaging my shoulders and head, that felt really nice.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Did not pass out at the doctor's office.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    What to do When Someone's Words Hurt You



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    kropo82 and Wade W. Wilson like this.
  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 432:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Tired | Joyful | Content
    Partner: Understood | Calm | Thankful
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Helpless | Overwhelmed | Frustrated

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Breathing exercises.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Self-care.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, Wade and I spoke a bit about recovery, then we got interrupted by a phone call from his parents about using technology. Then I ranted about how drained I was. Afterward, we went to watch some TV before he had to go to work,

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Stay Motivated With Our Friends From Success Archive”, in this episode, we hear several speakers with words of inspiration, to help you stay motivated and keep pushing forward. Remember, the only thing standing between you and everything you've ever wanted is doing what it takes to have it.

    This morning, my mom called me and told me my dad was feeling really sick and needed me to quickly drive him down to the ER, so I did. This post will be short, as I have spent hours there, listening to and watching my dad (in his condition) having to stay strong... and I am both emotionally and physically drained. I can not wait until we put the kids to bed tonight and I can just drop down into Wade's arms tonight and be totally and completely mindless. I will say, I asked him to keep the sound on his phone on while I was in the ER (while he slept) just in case, which meant he had to have his phone in the bedroom (breaking one of his own boundaries). I already figured this would be happening, as I was the one who asked him to do it due to the circumstance, but he took it a step further and also texted me that he was aware that he was breaking a boundary today by keeping the phone in the bedroom - I appreciated that.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Didn't have to pop anything to make it through the day.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    10 MINUTES THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    justafriend likes this.
  13. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 433:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Tired | Playful | Free
    Partner: Inquisitive | Withdrawn | Vulnerable
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Numb | Overwhelmed | Anxious

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Weather.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Walk & talk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, I vented a little about my day and then we talked about the podcast that he listened to at work, from Dr. Weiss. It was one geared towards the betrayed but he found a lot of similarities between the situations they were bringing up and how he was during his addiction... like being there physically but not present mentally. For example, there were so many times, where we would be watching TV together, he'd be on his lazy boy chair on one end of the room, on his phone looking for P content for later (he admitted to me after recovery/I thought he was playing mobile games), I would be on my end of the room, on my laptop totally immersed in my social media world with all of the online friends who gave me the attention I was so desperately seeking. These days, when we watch TV, we are right next to each other, devices are away and we are usually embracing each others touch - connecting with each other and both present at the moment... a huge difference from before. Then I initiated some 'fun'... ;-) after, we watched some TV while being connected, then went to sleep.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Self Discipline and Success Are Inseparable”, in this episode, Will Smith reminds us that self-discipline and success go together hand in hand. Remember, self-discipline is the center of all material success.

    This morning, we had another scare, we thought we might have to take my dad back to the ER, fortunately, he started feeling a little better and decided to stay home and see how it goes. This gave Wade and me an opportunity to go for our walk, which was really needed. We listened to BAE's podcast "Can Recovery Be a Drag?", where they go through the in's and out's of the recovery process and when too much is just too much, so you might need to take a step back or a different road. Wade and I discussed our own viewpoints on how sometimes, being overzealous can cause burnout, resentment and even relapse. We both agree that there has to be a balance when it comes to recovery work, I've been telling him this from the start, remember it's my philosophy "yin and yang". It was a good podcast, one that finally matched its title! although I think it should have been one of the first topics covered and not so late in the game, but what do I know.

    Afterward, we went to the supermarket. It was so packed, too many people, I don't know what was going on. I saw him slip a few times and I had a few triggers, but my head was so preoccupied between my dad and one of my favorite apps suspending my account for no damn reason that I wasn't getting hit as hard. Then we decided to take advantage of the good weather and take the kids to the playground, they had a really good time. There was a trigger there too - I swear, I'm not safe anywhere I go, but I pushed it away as best as I could. We talked a little - he mentioned no longer feeling butterflies when driving by a lingerie store that is usually on our way to and from places - which shows his progress in recovery in my opinion. Then he told me about the slips at the supermarket and how he still feels shame and weird telling me about slips because he feels like he is disappointing me and "proving" my fears right. I told him, I'm not naive to think he isn't having them and it's better, to be honest with me than to have me living in deceit like I was before when I thought he was much further along than he truly was, that kind of stuff "coming out, out of no where from my vantage point" sets me/us back big time. Plus, when he is accountable to me, he is also accountable to himself and vice-versa. It is also a lot different for me personally, to hear about the slips, then it is to witness them in person, maybe it is because I can see exactly who he is looking at ["slipped on"] and then compare the differences or reaffirm my beliefs of his type? not sure. It's funny at some point during our conversation at the park, I told him I saw a threat passing by when he was driving, figured he would slip, he knew exactly who I was talking about when I said she had long black hair and he responded with "in the jeans", he said he didn't slip but did see her passing by in his peripheral. He said, "why did you think I slipped?" and I said "because she's your type" and he said, "no, you're my type". I just shrugged and rolled my eyes - thinking to myself "yeah right", because I know better and because if that were true, he wouldn't have even noticed her at all, especially while driving, but he even remembered her hair and the kind of pants she had on... hence why I still believe he did slip there and why I believe he slips or "quick ogles" a whole lot more than he thinks he does. There have been a few occasions where I've called him out and he tells me "I didn't think I looked"... perhaps some things can not be changed or stopped completely. I believe that the probable cause, in his case is that, the/his c*ck wants, what the/his c*ck wants and if it's not completely satisfied with what it has at home, it will constantly be seeking out the thing that really gets his juices flowing - which, I know, for him, is just not me. However, he just keeps telling me that what I am saying is not true, that he wants and desires me . . . which I believe is either deep seeded denial on his part or he is just trying to convince me enough to "keep me happy" because he is content with everything else that we have right now: love, intimacy, connection, etc and doesn't want to risk losing it - I just don't know. For instance, I saw guys ogle me today and even though I can't stand oglers, I can see the "want" and the "desire" in their eyes when they look at me, which is exactly how Wade always looked at 'them', his primes for years because that was who he actually physically always wanted and I don't think you can rewire that away. Later we went to have a nice family lunch, triggers there too - as I said nowhere is safe for me, but I brushed them off as best as I could and tried to focus on my two girls and family time, but I have to say having this kind of challenge sucks.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Handled my triggers to the best of my abilities.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    PLAN THE WORK, WORK THE PLAN



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  14. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 434:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: - | Nervous | Content
    Partner: Worried | Vulnerable | Concerned
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Anxious | Worried | Tired

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Walk & Talk.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Warm Weather.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we didn't talk, we danced and then we watched an episode of "HUMANS" and then Wade was tired, so we went to bed early.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Have More Self Confidence”, in this episode, New York Times Bestselling Author Brendon Burchard talks about the importance of self-confidence and how to have more of it. His main points are that “confidence is not holding back the deck of cards of your weaknesses, confidence is comfort with vulnerability.” In order to gain confidence, people need to make small changes. Not always go for the biggest thing, but make small changes, see themselves making those changes, and then integrate that into their identity.” Remember, you must understand that your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth.

    This morning, I had my Lumbar Spine MRI, it was not fun laying in that tube, but it is what it is. I got it over with, now I have to wait for the results. Wade picked me up and as we were driving away, he pulled over and said he needed to tell me something. The minute he said that I felt anxiety flush over me, I thought "oh no, a relapse? but when did he have time for that? he was only alone for what, 1 hour and plus the kids where home and he had to get them ready for school?"... but he said "it's not a relapse, but..." and said he was scrolling through Facebook and a page that he followed posted sexy/hentai style photos/comic strips and he clicked through them, it did trigger him and give him the thought/urge to want to keep looking and maybe find more. He said he stopped/distracted himself, unfollowed the page, etc. He also said at first he was trying to convince himself that it was nothing, not a big deal - that he didn't need to tell me about it, but because of all the shame building up, he realized that was his spike narrative trying to take over and that he needed to bring it up to me. I'm glad he unfollowed the page and told me about it, same day. Of course, I don't know all of the details of how he came across the images, did they just come up on his feed and he saw the previews, stared at them and then moved on without actually clicking through or did he deliberately click through each photo, one by one - knowing what it was? and yes it makes a difference (the intent, thought process, etc) I only thought about this now, so I never asked him, maybe I will tonight. Then we drove down to the mall to walk and talk, even though my back wasn't feeling so hot, after laying on that hard surface for 35 minutes. We listened to a really great interview with Rob Weiss on "The Trauma Therapist | Podcast", which was done by Guy Macpherson, Ph.D. of thetraumatherapistpodcast.com. It was a more in-depth backstory about Rob and how he became a leading specialist in the field of addiction and betrayal trauma therapy. For those who aren't aware, Robert Weiss is the Senior Vice President of Clinical Development with Elements Behavioral Health. He has developed clinical programs for The Ranch outside Nashville, Tennessee, Promises Treatment Centers in Malibu, and The Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles. A licensed UCLA MSW graduate, and personal trainee of Dr. Patrick Carnes, he is the author of Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men and Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, and co-author with Dr. Jennifer Schneider of both Always Turned On: Sex Addiction in the Digital Age and Closer Together, Further Apart: The Effect of Technology and the Internet on Parenting, Work, and Relationships, along with numerous peer-reviewed articles and chapters. It was nice to learn more about the men who I (we've) been learning so much from these days, while in recovery. I first heard about Mr. Weiss when I was almost brought to tears after watching his YouTube video "Out of the Doghouse" and from that point on I knew that this guy, he knew what he was talking about.

    After we got home, Wade went to take his nap and I had some alone time. I was able to read, catch up on some shows and just decompress a little, I've had a rough few days. The weather was actually really nice today, so my parents were out all day too, so no one was draining me. My back has been throbbing since the MRI, but I kind of knew that this would happen, at least I've finally gotten that damn thing over with. Once he woke up we picked up the girls from school and took them to get their immunizations, that was a 'blast' (not!) but after those theatrics, we treated them to dinner out.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Listened to Wade's shame, listened in peace.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    How to have more CONFIDENCE



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Lostneverland and HonestyMatters like this.
  15. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    444
    573
    93
    I just watched your video Out of the Doghouse. Excellent video. Thank you for posting.
     
  16. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Glad you watched it, it is great!
     
  17. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 435:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Joyful | Playful | Annoyed
    Partner: Content | Skeptical | Withdrawn
    Professional: Rushed | Overwhelmed | -
    Person: Let down | Nervous | Frustrated

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Healing.
    2) Self-care.
    3) My alone time.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he gave me a really soothing back rub after the MRI machine destroyed me lol it was nice. We talked about his incident from earlier in the day, I brought up the questions I came up with after thinking about it. I am glad it didn't bring up his shame or shut him down, instead, it made him think and he considered what I was saying, even got curious himself and wanted to reach out to his AP for more input. I think us having an open and honest dialogue is the only thing that has really been making a difference and helping his stay honest (which I know has always been an issue for him throughout our relationship). Being able to talk like this is a really good thing for us, otherwise, we are left to our own devices and will often assume/fill in the blanks ourselves, which usually has us going to the worst case scenario. We ended up having a good and healthy conversation... and ended with some fun. Then he had to head out to work.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Master Self-Control and Why It's So Important”, Jay from MedSchoolInsiders.com talks about how to master self-control and why it's so important that you do so. He explains why self-discipline and willpower are so important, for example, have you ever been tempted to do something for which you later feel guilty about? of course, all of us have. Moments like these are usually due to a lapse in judgment and/or lack of discipline. Here’s the key: with strong self-discipline and willpower, you can do what you need to do in each moment without temptation or laziness getting in the way. Self-discipline and willpower are two of the biggest secrets to success. Improving, cultivating, and growing your self-control and self-discipline will serve you well in both your personal and professional life. Discipline is important because it allows us to live our lives the way we want. As a student, discipline allows you to study more effectively and use your time efficiently. Willpower and self-control allow you to eat healthier, exercise regularly, and be happier. Self-discipline lets us grind it out with studying or work even when we don’t feel like it. It lets us say no to extra dessert. It lets us maintain a consistent exercise schedule and achieve our fitness goals. To put it simply, it empowers us to live our lives the way we ideally want to. His three steps to cultivating self-discipline: 1. Start Small, 2. Practice Daily and 3. Ramp it Up. Remember, if you learn self-control you can master anything.

    This morning, Wade and I walked, we discussed the podcast that I listened to a while ago, but he had just heard last night. It was an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Betrayal Trauma and Healing" featuring Dr. Barbara Steffens, who is the President of the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists. She helps clients and also therapists work with people experiencing profound trauma and betrayal. She is also the author of "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse". Dr. Steffens and Rob talk about betrayal trauma and her many extensive years of work within the field. Wade really enjoyed this one and said he loved how she explained betrayal trauma and healing, from the eyes of the betrayed and her honest recommendations on how to handle an addict and situations where she feels like he may be manipulating her as well as when she needs to take a step back and work on herself and ignore him. Both of us actually agreed with the various points she made in this interview and I am happy about that. Once we got home and settled, I began dealing with some drama with a client and he went to sleep, not before making some comments about getting horny thinking about something particular and wishing I could join him in bed later, I laughed it off and he closed the door. About 20 minutes later, as I am in the middle of typing back to my client, the bedroom door flys open and scares the crap out of me, as I thought he was already fast asleep, so yeah I got startled. He came out to tell me about having to stay later at work tomorrow morning, which sucks since I needed him to go to an appointment with my dad to save me the emotional drain that I will 110% endure, but also, I was a bit taken back by him, umm not sleeping. He told me he decided to take a quick shower, but how was I suppose to know that?... As far as I was concerned, all I am aware of is he was suppose to be sleeping by now, instead, he is wide awake, was horny going into the bedroom, then had to take a quick shower... he also drank and watched some anime before heading to bed, after allowing himself to act out yesterday, when you add all that up?... so I told him "thanks for the last minute trigger" before he went back to "sleep". I sat frustrated for hours, just festering and thinking about all of this.

    Later in the day my neurologist gave me a call and told me that the MRI came back with an "L4-5 disc herniation", she kind of hinted that this was what she thought I had, so I guess the result it is not much of a surprise. She is really pressing that I start physical therapy, but between my dad and everyone else's stuff, I never have time for my own shit. Maybe in a week or two, I will finally get around to it. After Wade woke up, we had to go for a weekly grocery run, on the way there he brought up the trigger from earlier in the day and we discussed it for a bit. The supermarket was packed ... a few minor triggers for me - but such is life for me these days, it sucks. I know he had a few slips too, I am sure of it, I also still stand by my opinion from my post from a few days ago, whether he wants to admit to it or not.

    My mind is spinning, my back is still achy, and I have to suck it up (as usual) because tomorrow I have a really long and really draining day, with no escape.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Used breathing exercises to ground myself, multiple times.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Self-Discipline | Why It’s Important & How to Master Self-Control



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

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  18. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 436:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Exhausted | Playful | Tired
    Partner: Content | Thankful | Loving
    Professional: Stressed | - | -
    Person: Overwhelmed | Anxious | Rushed

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Healing.
    2) Self-care.
    3) My alone time.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we spoke about the earlier trigger again, as well as the supermarket trip. He read my journal post and wanted to discuss it further, I really wasn't expecting to do so, since we had discussed it/I told him my thoughts in the car. We had a good talk. One of my clients woke up and sent me half of a butt load of work, due like yesterday, so I started asap.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Improve Yourself Everyday”, in this episode, Jordan Peterson talks about how to improve yourself every day and why you should. For the record, not all positive change feels positive in the beginning.

    This morning, Wade had to work and I had to go with my dad to his doctor's appointment. My plate is super full, but I had to sit there listening to him ramble on and on, about every single ailment, procedure and issue he has/had/been through. He was super excited too because the technician was Russian, so he didn't pause for a second. I'm thinking "hurry up, stop chatting him up and delaying the whole process, you know I have so much work to get to at home". However, I am fully aware that no one really cares about all the shit I need to get done, ever. Anyway, once we got home, I immediately got to work. Spoke to Wade and he was finishing up at work too, I asked him to pick something up for me to eat, anything that he thought would make me happy. He did not disappoint, he got me one of my favorite meals. After lunch, I went back to work, I began feeling a sense of loneliness overwhelm me, don't know where it came from, so I decided to take a quick break and hop into bed and just cuddle with Wade while he slept. I think I passed out for about 15 minutes or so, then it was back to work. Kids are home now, he's still sleeping and I still have so much more work to get done... the chaos continues!

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Stayed on track today, even with so many distractions and so much to do.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    How to Improve Yourself Right NOW (and Why)



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  19. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    564
    1,121
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    This has been on my mind so much lately. I know you write about this a lot, but for some reason, when I saw you put it this way this time I just burst into tears. I couldn't even bring myself to push the "like" button. Why can't they understand how empty their reassurances and "you're beautiful!"s are? I finally asked my husband to never say it again because it instantly put me in an angry mood and prompted a barrage of negative internal dialogue. He thought it would boost my self-esteem, but it only made me want to scream at him to shut the f up!
     
    TooMuchTooSoon and hope4healing like this.
  20. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I know what you mean, I'm sorry that we both have to feel this way. It is the most excruciating position and feeling to have. I try to express it on here from time to time, but I feel like even words don't do it justice. I just wonder if it's something that can ever be 'moved on' from?
     
    hope4healing and Susannah like this.

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