Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 427:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Annoyed | Playful | Joyful
Partner: Confident | Insecure | Vulnerable
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Tired | Insignificant | Exhausted

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Recovery.
2) Morning walks.
3) Great talks.
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Last night, we talked about my triggers and then we spoke about my parents. The trigger talk, we've had multiple times, so I won't rewrite what I've written before. Then we watched some TV and called it a night, I have been really tired recently and was passing out.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Going From A Victims Mentality to Self Empowerment”, in this episode, Christy Whitman, the New York Times bestselling author of The Art of Having It All, talks about going from having a victims mentality to self-empowerment. Remember, nobody can make us feel bad without our permission.

This morning, because the weather turned to freezing again, to walk at the mall. We listened to Jay Shetty's podcast "Mike Posner: ON How Fame Ruined His Life", for those who don't know, Mike Posner is the musician behind the hit songs "I Took A Pill In Ibiza" and "Cooler Than Me". But behind the flashing lights and sold-out shows lies a very unique mind, one that has learned to deal with fame and fortune and most recently—the loss of his father. Mike shares his insights on how to deal with loss, why moments of epiphany must be processed, and what the difference between the mind and intelligence is. Mike even asks Jay some profound questions about his own experience unpacking mindfulness. While we listened, we paused and talked throughout. It was funny because I've had my own philosophies on life/recovery, even though I listen to, learn, adapt and 'pick up ideas' from all these inspiring motivational speakers...I have my own mind and ideas as I journey through my healing process and self-care. I guess Wade and I never really dived too deep into it, but I've mentioned my theme to him multiple times, that I believe there should be a "balance" in everything but I never elaborated beyond that. Today, while we were listening, Mike (and Jay) they kept talking about how life is so much better and how necessary it was to look at things as always positive, everything is just better that way. I do not agree with that concept, my philosophy is more on the yin and yang side. Nothing is always positive, you can't always be happy, life is not always peachy and not every situation is rainbows and sunshine and in my opinion you have to learn to cope through that, not throw wool over your eyes and pretend everything is "ok" because you're "supposed to be positive", that will only make you even more depressed. That concept blew his mind, it was cute, then what I added to it, he got even more excited and that was even cuter. I said, on that note, them expecting you to look at everything as positive, goes against their other messages of "progress, not perfection", because if someone is constantly striving to make sure everything is always good and their outlook is always "positive" ... they'll be expecting perfection and good feelings in everything because anything less than would be a downer, aka give us negative vibes. I explained it to him better in person, but yeah it was fun.

Later we went to the supermarket for our weekly run, we stayed on budget which was great. However, there were triggers there for me, again. Lately, between the supermarket and CVS, I'm having more anxiety going there, than fun. At one point Wade came up to me and tried to kiss me, after a threat/trigger just passed, I told him to chill with it and he acted surprised. He did something off/out of character a few minutes prior, which I pressumed was to distract me long enough, for this trigger to leave the vacinity. So, it was a few things packed into one that soured me. Then during the whole car ride back, he was defending his actions and explaining how he did not see her for about 10-15 minutes, repeating the same points over and over, on loop only towards the end did he finally just say he was sorry and he understands why it may have appeared this way to me. I told him he could have just started with that, ended within 5 minutes and not made things worse. His repetitive loop just escalated my trigger(s) and made me think "gee, he's really defensive, for someone who 'didn't see anyone' hmm"... sigh...

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Gave Wade an epiphany, lol it was cute.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Self-Care
Quantum Success Show: From Victim to Self Empowerment

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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 428:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Annoyed | Content | Frustrated
Partner: Resentful | Withdrawn | Distant
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Tired | Overwhelmed | Exhausted

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) My solo morning walk.
2) Day Nap.
3) Kids Bedtime.
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Last night started out good, he gave me a nice back rub and we talked about the trigger at the supermarket as well as the incident that followed (his repetitive, defensive loop). During the massage, I offered up an idea/suggestion about a possible schedule change for the day, because he had to stay up a little later, so he could sleep in (he had to work two shifts) and I thought maybe he can go to bed with me, wake up early, walk with me, then come back and sleep until it was time to go to work. I had a long ass day ahead of me because of his double shift (with the kids), plus I needed to go to a doctors appointment with my dad which usually sucks the life out of me further - the day was going to be hectic, so I figured it would be our only time to really talk. He said he doesn't that would work because he might be too tired and then he said he began feeling a lot of shame coming over him and we talked it through, I was fine with it. Everything seemed okay, then we went to watch some TV as it was nearing 11 pm my NyQuil starting kicking in, plus the last few days my body has been giving out and I've just been super exhausted and when it hits, it hits. So, I told him multiple times that I am really tired and wanted to go to sleep, I said I don't know what's going on with me and he responded with "I wish I knew", he said he would lay down with me for a few minutes to cuddle and then go back out for a few hours (which is normal). So, I laid down, hugged my pillow, turned onto my stomach and was ready to doze off, which is rare enough for me. Once he got in bed, he asks me to turn to my side, so he could hug me tighter, so I did but then his intentions were made clearer, he began trying to turn me on, to initiate sex, knowing how tired I was and what kind of day I had ahead of me, so I wouldn't even have a chance to nap, etc. I told him, I'm sorry but I am just too tired, I am falling asleep and just having to say that made me feel so bad inside, it filled me up with shame and guilt instantly. He told me it was fine, not to worry, he wouldn't hold any resentment and went to the other room to do his stuff. So, I turned back onto my stomach, hoping to go back to sleep but... nope, game over my brain was switched "on" and wasn't quieting down, the guilt of "what if's", so much uncertainty, the shame of having to reject him because I was actually so tired, but also knowing how it feels to be on the other end of rejection for over a decade was eating me up, the thoughts just kept going off rapid-fire style. What if my saying "no", and him being out there drinking, possibly thinking about it and feeling shame over it, causes a relapse, that would be my fault. The people pleaser in me then chimes in with the "you should have said yes, now you're a disappointment to him, he'll be unhappy and it's all your fault". Then my self-esteem issues begin taking over with "if it wasn't bad enough that he already prefers other women to you, physically, now you are going to deny him the one thing he enjoys about your body? good job, now he'll have even more reason to keep prefering others, next time he won't even bother going for it either". I was laying like a zombie staring at the ceiling with all those thoughts and thousands more circulting through my head, I can't even remember them all now... starting at the celing... two hours had gone by, I am still not even close to falling asleep, I had to go back out and take another dose of NyQuil, I hoped that it would help. Wade asked why I wasn't sleeping, I told him I couldn't and needed more NyQuil, he said he was coming to bed soon. I tried going to sleep again, same shit, 30 more minutes go by and still my brain wasn't done... I had to get back up and take another dose, he questioned what was wrong, why I wasn't sleeping and I told him, I felt guilty and couldn't sleep. A few minutes later he came into the room and it began, he began blaming himself for all of it and turned on victim mode big time. I felt like what I was saying was getting misconstrued and taken in ass-backwards. He said that he couldn't understand why I felt guilty, when he told me that he wouldn't be upset or hold any resentment and began bringing up that he thought that by this point I had more trust in him, more faith in his recovery and where he was at not to assume that he would take my no and relapse because of it. All I heard was a lot of "me, me, me" and no empathy for the fact that his intial actions that were selfish and inconsiderate, he put me in the position of having to say no in the first place, being completely aware of how difficult it is for me to fall asleep and what sort of day I had ahead of me - all he was thinking about was getting laid. That although I stated clearly that my fear of him relapsing (and it being my fault for saying no) was only a fraction of the thoughts that were keeping me up, he kept harping on that point and how "this just proves I need to work harder and prove more" which he kept repeating, over and over, how he felt guilty now etc., again pointing back to himself, playing the victim the whole time, completly ignoring the fact of just how much pain and fear, I've been sitting in for the last few hours and how much more there-there is going on behind all my guilt of saying "NO" than just him and his issues, like I mentioned things like MY OWN guilt, shame, fears, uncertainty, insecurities, rejection, issues with people pleasing and worst of all self-esteem - no space holding whatsoever, sigh.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Develop Self-Awareness”, in this episode, best selling author Brendon Burchard talks about how to develop self-awareness. He shares why some people feel a disconnection from themselves and the moments of their lives. He labels the cause as the Four Horseman of Self-Awareness: Directionlessness, Detachment, Disassociation, Distraction. Remember, self-awareness doesn't stop you from making mistakes. It allows you to learn from them.

This morning, I walked alone, which was great, I needed it really bad after the long ass night I had. During my walk, I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Shame, Honor, and Culture" his featured guest was Sam Louie is a psychotherapist, blogger, and speaker on cultural shame and addictions. Sam is also an Emmy Award-Winning former broadcast journalist. His books include, "Asian Shame and Addiction: Suffering in Silence" and "Slanted Eyes: The Asian-American Poetic Experience". Sam is a first-generation immigrant from Hong Kong who grew up amidst 3 generations of addictions. Sam is on a mission to reach more of the Asian - American culture and help them with their heavy shame and cultural stigmas surrounding addiction. Sam reflects on his own experience of addiction, getting help and how he went from feeling defective to comfortable in his own skin and a role model for others. He talks about how shame can run deep in the Asian - American culture for cases of addiction, sexual issues, and divorce. He also believes that educating yourself first on the nature of addiction is key. Then, finding someone of your ethnic background or cultural identification can help very much on the road to recovery.

All I can say is I walked and walked and walked, it was something I needed and refreshing. After the podcast, I turned on my dance music and just let my mind relax. Then I spent the last 10 minutes just taking scenic photos and that made me feel good. Tomorrow, Wade has his man's group with Coby, so he'll need to wake up early, it's likely I will walk alone again and I think I'll make it another 4.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Walked 4.5 miles today, it was brisk, but it felt so good.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Self-Care
The Death of Self-Awareness

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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 429:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Exhausted | Free | Playful
Partner: Calm | Loving | Content
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Eager | Content | Tired

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Morning Walk.
2) Nature.
3) Recovery.
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Last night, Wade wanted to talk, I was wary of it, I told him I felt like we "talked" more than enough the night before. Of course, I was being sarcastic because he was playing the victim then and I couldn't get a word in edgewise. Anyway, so we laid down and he said he really wanted to hear me out this time, hold my space, do it right, unlike last time. So, this time, without him interrupting me and going into victim/defensive/fix it mode - I was able to explain to him, that sometimes, not everything is about him, sometimes there's a lot more going on then meets the eye, a whole lot of mixed pain and emotions happening all at once. Like, I have a lot of my own shit that boils over when my fear cycle gets triggered. Yes, maybe the initial thought that may have started it all began from "oh shit, 'what if my rejecting him, causes him to go into shame and somehow that causes him to relapse?' " but then the rest of the stops that freight train made as it went off the rails were all about my own fears and insecurities, all of the stuff I listed in last night's post. He apologized for not holding my space at all, for playing the victim and then throwing trust and our progress in my face, forcing me to defend/justify my feelings of guilt, which only escalated my trigger, at a time when I was already feeling so fearful and helpless. I think overall it was a productive and positive talk, I just wish it could have been that way from the get-go and not after the fact. I mean, if he would have just come in the room that night, sat there and let me express my fears as he held my space, without reacting in defense or victim, everything could have gone so differently.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Practice Self Love and Acceptance”, in this episode, we inspiring words from various motivational speakers (a compilation) from the Daily Motivation YouTue channel on how to practice self-love. Remember, comparing yourself to others is an act of violence against yourself.

This morning, I walked alone, I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Drug and Sex Addiction (chem-sex)" his featured guest was Dr. David Fawcett, therapist, author of "Lust, Men and Meth", an expert in methamphetamines and stimulants in sexual behavior. David and Rob discuss trends in drug use among the gay male and female population, the frequent co-occurrence of both sex and drug addictions, risk factors and consequences of meth use, and the need for disruption in therapy to update training, assessment, and treatment. Rob and David discuss the importance of finding a therapist that is well versed in the specialty one are seeking focused help, then they role-played a typical call of someone seeking help for addiction and a potential therapist - which reminded me a lot of the kinds of answers Wade was getting from some of them, who were obviously not qualified lol.

Today Wade had his group with Coby, he told me he confronted him about not really "mentoring" and not understanding what the $175.00 a month was for if he isn't really mentoring anything. I can't wait to hear all about that session tonight, I know how difficult it is to confront someone with truth, so I am proud of him for doing that.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Did another 4.5+ miles and spent some time shooting nature shots!:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivaltional
Rethink Your Entire Life and Work

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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 430:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Exhausted | Free | Playful
Partner: Content | Loving | Calm
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Overwhelmed | Helpless | Tired

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Morning Walk.
2) Recovery.
3) Having an open mind.
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Last night, he gave me a back rub, I'm feeling a bit spoiled but it feels so good lol I've been walking so much that much whole body is aching, so they really help. We spoke about his live group meeting with Coby and how he confronted him about not being a 'mentor'... in his mentoring group and felt like Coby was making excuses, in denial and kind of gaslighting him. I'm so proud of him for having the courage to speak his truth, as I know first hand it does not come easy, especially not for somebody who always found comfort in lying. Then we went to watch some TV, it was nice and tender, I didn't want him to leave.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “7 Simple Tips On How to Stop Negative Self Talk and End Anxiety”, in this episode, we get a few helpful tips on how to stop negative self-talk. 1. Notice your body language, 2. Use Affirmations, 3. Mindfulness, 4. Know your triggers, 5. Distract yourself, 6. Find a trustful person, 7. Exercise, 8. Daily Journal, 9. Self-talk using a mirror, 10. Misreading and 11. Don’t apply your perspectives to someone else. Remember, never say anything about yourself that you don't wish to have come true.

This morning, I walked alone, I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Redemption and Recovery" his featured guest was Tom Ryan, who is a spiritual community leader, father, husband, and knows all too well the struggles of living a hidden life of denial and secrets. Tom is also the author of "Ashamed No More" and is Founding and Executive Director of Living Integrated, an organization that helps individuals with compulsive sexual behaviors find hope and healing by integrating their spirituality with healthy recovery practices. The topic of this podcast was a big one, one of the most important, yet least covered subjects matter in sex addiction - redemption. Tom talks about recovery, hope, and the irony of holding a position of power and prestige while dealing with an addiction, and when it’s okay to not get it right the first time, or the second. He found himself continuously drawing the line of his boundaries further away from his morals and then feeling the guilt and shame that came along with the emptiness and loneliness of living a secret addicted life. Tom and Rob discuss the disconnection and isolation that comes with addiction. Much like eating potato chips when you are hungry, you are satisfying an urge with an impulse that in the long run isn’t good or healthy for you, and doesn’t make you any less hungry than when you first started. He also shares how he came out to his wife as an addict, and the impact the disclosure had on his healing and marriage.

Once I got home, I got to hug Wade before he went to bed, then after he did - I had a few minutes to myself to at least finish my breakfast. Shortly after my parents came in and then for about two hours I was trying to pep talk my dad, but the whole conversation was daunting exhausting overall. I feel so out of it and drained at this point like someone was bashing my head in with a hammer. I feel really bad for my dad, a year ago I would have been able to easily sit in his negative, depressive feelings with him because I was there too, but now I know there's another way and I realize just how powerful the mind is... but trying to explain that to him, really is like talking to a wall. However, it does not stop him for telling me the same exact thing over and over again, when I can do nothing to help him.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Pushed myself to walk three rounds, even though midway through the first, I was demotivated.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Self-Care
Stop Negative Thoughts

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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 431:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Exhausted | Free | Annoyed
Partner: Inquisitive | Tired | Thankful
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Overwhelmed | Helpless | Frustrated

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Morning Walk.
2) Recovery.
3) Moments of Silence.
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Last night, we talked about the various podcasts we both listened to during our day. Wade has been catching up on Robert Weiss's content and says it has really expanded his views on so many things I agreed and shared with him that I feel the same way. He said he is really happy I shared it with him, I'm glad I did too, I told him if anything intrigues me, I always share it with him. He also told me about excerpts that he read from Terry Crews book "Manhood: How to Be a Better Man-or Just Live with One" and just finds so much of what he is reading relatable. Then we went and watched some TV until he had to go to work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Maintain Inner Peace Even In Stressful Situations”, in this episode, our friends at The Daily Positive give us some great tips on how to maintain our inner peace. Remember, don't let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.

This morning, we finally got to walk together again, it has been a while. We did not listen to anything, Wade wanted to talk to me about his feelings of shame, which he went over and we discussed that. He told me how some of the stuff he read in Terry Crews book "Manhood: How to Be a Better Man-or Just Live with One" made him realize, how shame bubbles up for him in certain situations as well and then we continued talking about shame, triggers, panic attacks and how sometimes those feelings take over us and are unbearable to manage.

Mid-morning/afternoon, we took my dad to a doctors appointment... from the waiting room, through the visit with the doctor herself, I slowly felt the drain beginning. I thought that when we got home, my parents would head to their apartment and I'd have at least 1 hour of some peace and quiet before the kids were back from school... but nope, my mom decided to come over and stay until I was only left for about 20 minutes to myself. So, with the few minutes that I had, I just read a little bit of my book "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will" by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. Some interesting excerpts I found, about how kids mimic us and how we learn from our own parents, aka learned behavior. "If a child wants to eat McDonald’s every day or play on X-Box for hours on end, the parent needs to recognize that these may be substitutes for their not being present in the moment—a habit children learn from us", and "As a new mother, to realize all my choices now had bearing on another human being felt like a heavy burden to bear. Whether I ordered a diet soda or water, fries or salad, worked out or vegged out in front of the television, nothing was simply about me anymore. How I used my time, coped with anxiety, handled failure, related to my spouse, took care of my finances—everything now affected how another human being would eventually lead her own life".

My dad came with me to pick up the kids, the whole ride there I listened to the same complaints from this morning. Then once we got home, I had to deal with the kids (noise on top of noise) and then both my parents came over, because they knew Wade was sleeping and decide to stay until he woke up. The entire time I was again getting the life drained out of me, listening to the same complaints over and over again. I am at a loss, I feel helpless as there is absolutely nothing I can do for him. I don't mind holding space, but I can not do it 24/7 without it chipping away at my own essence. The problem is, I also feel bad for my mom who has to hear it 100x more than me, which makes her sick and depressed, so she brings him over to get some relief herself, but then I end up stuck. Any advice or positive spin I try to offer him is met with total negativity, which no matter how much I try to stay "upbeat" and positive (#selfcare) it is extremely draining on me. I wish I could rent a Russian Tony Robbins to come over and talk some sense into him.

Once Wade woke up, he saw what a mess I was and tried to help by massaging my shoulders and head, that felt really nice.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Did not pass out at the doctor's office.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Self-Care
What to do When Someone's Words Hurt You

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 432:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Tired | Joyful | Content
Partner: Understood | Calm | Thankful
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Helpless | Overwhelmed | Frustrated

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Breathing exercises.
2) Recovery.
3) Self-care.
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Last night, Wade and I spoke a bit about recovery, then we got interrupted by a phone call from his parents about using technology. Then I ranted about how drained I was. Afterward, we went to watch some TV before he had to go to work,

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Stay Motivated With Our Friends From Success Archive”, in this episode, we hear several speakers with words of inspiration, to help you stay motivated and keep pushing forward. Remember, the only thing standing between you and everything you've ever wanted is doing what it takes to have it.

This morning, my mom called me and told me my dad was feeling really sick and needed me to quickly drive him down to the ER, so I did. This post will be short, as I have spent hours there, listening to and watching my dad (in his condition) having to stay strong... and I am both emotionally and physically drained. I can not wait until we put the kids to bed tonight and I can just drop down into Wade's arms tonight and be totally and completely mindless. I will say, I asked him to keep the sound on his phone on while I was in the ER (while he slept) just in case, which meant he had to have his phone in the bedroom (breaking one of his own boundaries). I already figured this would be happening, as I was the one who asked him to do it due to the circumstance, but he took it a step further and also texted me that he was aware that he was breaking a boundary today by keeping the phone in the bedroom - I appreciated that.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Didn't have to pop anything to make it through the day.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
10 MINUTES THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 433:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Tired | Playful | Free
Partner: Inquisitive | Withdrawn | Vulnerable
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Numb | Overwhelmed | Anxious

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Weather.
2) Recovery.
3) Walk & talk.
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Last night, I vented a little about my day and then we talked about the podcast that he listened to at work, from Dr. Weiss. It was one geared towards the betrayed but he found a lot of similarities between the situations they were bringing up and how he was during his addiction... like being there physically but not present mentally. For example, there were so many times, where we would be watching TV together, he'd be on his lazy boy chair on one end of the room, on his phone looking for P content for later (he admitted to me after recovery/I thought he was playing mobile games), I would be on my end of the room, on my laptop totally immersed in my social media world with all of the online friends who gave me the attention I was so desperately seeking. These days, when we watch TV, we are right next to each other, devices are away and we are usually embracing each others touch - connecting with each other and both present at the moment... a huge difference from before. Then I initiated some 'fun'... ;-) after, we watched some TV while being connected, then went to sleep.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Self Discipline and Success Are Inseparable”, in this episode, Will Smith reminds us that self-discipline and success go together hand in hand. Remember, self-discipline is the center of all material success.

This morning, we had another scare, we thought we might have to take my dad back to the ER, fortunately, he started feeling a little better and decided to stay home and see how it goes. This gave Wade and me an opportunity to go for our walk, which was really needed. We listened to BAE's podcast "Can Recovery Be a Drag?", where they go through the in's and out's of the recovery process and when too much is just too much, so you might need to take a step back or a different road. Wade and I discussed our own viewpoints on how sometimes, being overzealous can cause burnout, resentment and even relapse. We both agree that there has to be a balance when it comes to recovery work, I've been telling him this from the start, remember it's my philosophy "yin and yang". It was a good podcast, one that finally matched its title! although I think it should have been one of the first topics covered and not so late in the game, but what do I know.

Afterward, we went to the supermarket. It was so packed, too many people, I don't know what was going on. I saw him slip a few times and I had a few triggers, but my head was so preoccupied between my dad and one of my favorite apps suspending my account for no damn reason that I wasn't getting hit as hard. Then we decided to take advantage of the good weather and take the kids to the playground, they had a really good time. There was a trigger there too - I swear, I'm not safe anywhere I go, but I pushed it away as best as I could. We talked a little - he mentioned no longer feeling butterflies when driving by a lingerie store that is usually on our way to and from places - which shows his progress in recovery in my opinion. Then he told me about the slips at the supermarket and how he still feels shame and weird telling me about slips because he feels like he is disappointing me and "proving" my fears right. I told him, I'm not naive to think he isn't having them and it's better, to be honest with me than to have me living in deceit like I was before when I thought he was much further along than he truly was, that kind of stuff "coming out, out of no where from my vantage point" sets me/us back big time. Plus, when he is accountable to me, he is also accountable to himself and vice-versa. It is also a lot different for me personally, to hear about the slips, then it is to witness them in person, maybe it is because I can see exactly who he is looking at ["slipped on"] and then compare the differences or reaffirm my beliefs of his type? not sure. It's funny at some point during our conversation at the park, I told him I saw a threat passing by when he was driving, figured he would slip, he knew exactly who I was talking about when I said she had long black hair and he responded with "in the jeans", he said he didn't slip but did see her passing by in his peripheral. He said, "why did you think I slipped?" and I said "because she's your type" and he said, "no, you're my type". I just shrugged and rolled my eyes - thinking to myself "yeah right", because I know better and because if that were true, he wouldn't have even noticed her at all, especially while driving, but he even remembered her hair and the kind of pants she had on... hence why I still believe he did slip there and why I believe he slips or "quick ogles" a whole lot more than he thinks he does. There have been a few occasions where I've called him out and he tells me "I didn't think I looked"... perhaps some things can not be changed or stopped completely. I believe that the probable cause, in his case is that, the/his c*ck wants, what the/his c*ck wants and if it's not completely satisfied with what it has at home, it will constantly be seeking out the thing that really gets his juices flowing - which, I know, for him, is just not me. However, he just keeps telling me that what I am saying is not true, that he wants and desires me . . . which I believe is either deep seeded denial on his part or he is just trying to convince me enough to "keep me happy" because he is content with everything else that we have right now: love, intimacy, connection, etc and doesn't want to risk losing it - I just don't know. For instance, I saw guys ogle me today and even though I can't stand oglers, I can see the "want" and the "desire" in their eyes when they look at me, which is exactly how Wade always looked at 'them', his primes for years because that was who he actually physically always wanted and I don't think you can rewire that away. Later we went to have a nice family lunch, triggers there too - as I said nowhere is safe for me, but I brushed them off as best as I could and tried to focus on my two girls and family time, but I have to say having this kind of challenge sucks.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Handled my triggers to the best of my abilities.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
PLAN THE WORK, WORK THE PLAN

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 434:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: - | Nervous | Content
Partner: Worried | Vulnerable | Concerned
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Anxious | Worried | Tired

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Walk & Talk.
2) Recovery.
3) Warm Weather.
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Last night, we didn't talk, we danced and then we watched an episode of "HUMANS" and then Wade was tired, so we went to bed early.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Have More Self Confidence”, in this episode, New York Times Bestselling Author Brendon Burchard talks about the importance of self-confidence and how to have more of it. His main points are that “confidence is not holding back the deck of cards of your weaknesses, confidence is comfort with vulnerability.” In order to gain confidence, people need to make small changes. Not always go for the biggest thing, but make small changes, see themselves making those changes, and then integrate that into their identity.” Remember, you must understand that your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth.

This morning, I had my Lumbar Spine MRI, it was not fun laying in that tube, but it is what it is. I got it over with, now I have to wait for the results. Wade picked me up and as we were driving away, he pulled over and said he needed to tell me something. The minute he said that I felt anxiety flush over me, I thought "oh no, a relapse? but when did he have time for that? he was only alone for what, 1 hour and plus the kids where home and he had to get them ready for school?"... but he said "it's not a relapse, but..." and said he was scrolling through Facebook and a page that he followed posted sexy/hentai style photos/comic strips and he clicked through them, it did trigger him and give him the thought/urge to want to keep looking and maybe find more. He said he stopped/distracted himself, unfollowed the page, etc. He also said at first he was trying to convince himself that it was nothing, not a big deal - that he didn't need to tell me about it, but because of all the shame building up, he realized that was his spike narrative trying to take over and that he needed to bring it up to me. I'm glad he unfollowed the page and told me about it, same day. Of course, I don't know all of the details of how he came across the images, did they just come up on his feed and he saw the previews, stared at them and then moved on without actually clicking through or did he deliberately click through each photo, one by one - knowing what it was? and yes it makes a difference (the intent, thought process, etc) I only thought about this now, so I never asked him, maybe I will tonight. Then we drove down to the mall to walk and talk, even though my back wasn't feeling so hot, after laying on that hard surface for 35 minutes. We listened to a really great interview with Rob Weiss on "The Trauma Therapist | Podcast", which was done by Guy Macpherson, Ph.D. of thetraumatherapistpodcast.com. It was a more in-depth backstory about Rob and how he became a leading specialist in the field of addiction and betrayal trauma therapy. For those who aren't aware, Robert Weiss is the Senior Vice President of Clinical Development with Elements Behavioral Health. He has developed clinical programs for The Ranch outside Nashville, Tennessee, Promises Treatment Centers in Malibu, and The Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles. A licensed UCLA MSW graduate, and personal trainee of Dr. Patrick Carnes, he is the author of Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men and Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, and co-author with Dr. Jennifer Schneider of both Always Turned On: Sex Addiction in the Digital Age and Closer Together, Further Apart: The Effect of Technology and the Internet on Parenting, Work, and Relationships, along with numerous peer-reviewed articles and chapters. It was nice to learn more about the men who I (we've) been learning so much from these days, while in recovery. I first heard about Mr. Weiss when I was almost brought to tears after watching his YouTube video "Out of the Doghouse" and from that point on I knew that this guy, he knew what he was talking about.

After we got home, Wade went to take his nap and I had some alone time. I was able to read, catch up on some shows and just decompress a little, I've had a rough few days. The weather was actually really nice today, so my parents were out all day too, so no one was draining me. My back has been throbbing since the MRI, but I kind of knew that this would happen, at least I've finally gotten that damn thing over with. Once he woke up we picked up the girls from school and took them to get their immunizations, that was a 'blast' (not!) but after those theatrics, we treated them to dinner out.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Listened to Wade's shame, listened in peace.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
How to have more CONFIDENCE

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 435:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Joyful | Playful | Annoyed
Partner: Content | Skeptical | Withdrawn
Professional: Rushed | Overwhelmed | -
Person: Let down | Nervous | Frustrated

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Healing.
2) Self-care.
3) My alone time.
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Last night, he gave me a really soothing back rub after the MRI machine destroyed me lol it was nice. We talked about his incident from earlier in the day, I brought up the questions I came up with after thinking about it. I am glad it didn't bring up his shame or shut him down, instead, it made him think and he considered what I was saying, even got curious himself and wanted to reach out to his AP for more input. I think us having an open and honest dialogue is the only thing that has really been making a difference and helping his stay honest (which I know has always been an issue for him throughout our relationship). Being able to talk like this is a really good thing for us, otherwise, we are left to our own devices and will often assume/fill in the blanks ourselves, which usually has us going to the worst case scenario. We ended up having a good and healthy conversation... and ended with some fun. Then he had to head out to work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Master Self-Control and Why It's So Important”, Jay from MedSchoolInsiders.com talks about how to master self-control and why it's so important that you do so. He explains why self-discipline and willpower are so important, for example, have you ever been tempted to do something for which you later feel guilty about? of course, all of us have. Moments like these are usually due to a lapse in judgment and/or lack of discipline. Here’s the key: with strong self-discipline and willpower, you can do what you need to do in each moment without temptation or laziness getting in the way. Self-discipline and willpower are two of the biggest secrets to success. Improving, cultivating, and growing your self-control and self-discipline will serve you well in both your personal and professional life. Discipline is important because it allows us to live our lives the way we want. As a student, discipline allows you to study more effectively and use your time efficiently. Willpower and self-control allow you to eat healthier, exercise regularly, and be happier. Self-discipline lets us grind it out with studying or work even when we don’t feel like it. It lets us say no to extra dessert. It lets us maintain a consistent exercise schedule and achieve our fitness goals. To put it simply, it empowers us to live our lives the way we ideally want to. His three steps to cultivating self-discipline: 1. Start Small, 2. Practice Daily and 3. Ramp it Up. Remember, if you learn self-control you can master anything.

This morning, Wade and I walked, we discussed the podcast that I listened to a while ago, but he had just heard last night. It was an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Betrayal Trauma and Healing" featuring Dr. Barbara Steffens, who is the President of the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists. She helps clients and also therapists work with people experiencing profound trauma and betrayal. She is also the author of "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse". Dr. Steffens and Rob talk about betrayal trauma and her many extensive years of work within the field. Wade really enjoyed this one and said he loved how she explained betrayal trauma and healing, from the eyes of the betrayed and her honest recommendations on how to handle an addict and situations where she feels like he may be manipulating her as well as when she needs to take a step back and work on herself and ignore him. Both of us actually agreed with the various points she made in this interview and I am happy about that. Once we got home and settled, I began dealing with some drama with a client and he went to sleep, not before making some comments about getting horny thinking about something particular and wishing I could join him in bed later, I laughed it off and he closed the door. About 20 minutes later, as I am in the middle of typing back to my client, the bedroom door flys open and scares the crap out of me, as I thought he was already fast asleep, so yeah I got startled. He came out to tell me about having to stay later at work tomorrow morning, which sucks since I needed him to go to an appointment with my dad to save me the emotional drain that I will 110% endure, but also, I was a bit taken back by him, umm not sleeping. He told me he decided to take a quick shower, but how was I suppose to know that?... As far as I was concerned, all I am aware of is he was suppose to be sleeping by now, instead, he is wide awake, was horny going into the bedroom, then had to take a quick shower... he also drank and watched some anime before heading to bed, after allowing himself to act out yesterday, when you add all that up?... so I told him "thanks for the last minute trigger" before he went back to "sleep". I sat frustrated for hours, just festering and thinking about all of this.

Later in the day my neurologist gave me a call and told me that the MRI came back with an "L4-5 disc herniation", she kind of hinted that this was what she thought I had, so I guess the result it is not much of a surprise. She is really pressing that I start physical therapy, but between my dad and everyone else's stuff, I never have time for my own shit. Maybe in a week or two, I will finally get around to it. After Wade woke up, we had to go for a weekly grocery run, on the way there he brought up the trigger from earlier in the day and we discussed it for a bit. The supermarket was packed ... a few minor triggers for me - but such is life for me these days, it sucks. I know he had a few slips too, I am sure of it, I also still stand by my opinion from my post from a few days ago, whether he wants to admit to it or not.

My mind is spinning, my back is still achy, and I have to suck it up (as usual) because tomorrow I have a really long and really draining day, with no escape.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Used breathing exercises to ground myself, multiple times.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
Self-Discipline | Why It’s Important & How to Master Self-Control

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 436:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Exhausted | Playful | Tired
Partner: Content | Thankful | Loving
Professional: Stressed | - | -
Person: Overwhelmed | Anxious | Rushed

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Healing.
2) Self-care.
3) My alone time.
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Last night, we spoke about the earlier trigger again, as well as the supermarket trip. He read my journal post and wanted to discuss it further, I really wasn't expecting to do so, since we had discussed it/I told him my thoughts in the car. We had a good talk. One of my clients woke up and sent me half of a butt load of work, due like yesterday, so I started asap.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Improve Yourself Everyday”, in this episode, Jordan Peterson talks about how to improve yourself every day and why you should. For the record, not all positive change feels positive in the beginning.

This morning, Wade had to work and I had to go with my dad to his doctor's appointment. My plate is super full, but I had to sit there listening to him ramble on and on, about every single ailment, procedure and issue he has/had/been through. He was super excited too because the technician was Russian, so he didn't pause for a second. I'm thinking "hurry up, stop chatting him up and delaying the whole process, you know I have so much work to get to at home". However, I am fully aware that no one really cares about all the shit I need to get done, ever. Anyway, once we got home, I immediately got to work. Spoke to Wade and he was finishing up at work too, I asked him to pick something up for me to eat, anything that he thought would make me happy. He did not disappoint, he got me one of my favorite meals. After lunch, I went back to work, I began feeling a sense of loneliness overwhelm me, don't know where it came from, so I decided to take a quick break and hop into bed and just cuddle with Wade while he slept. I think I passed out for about 15 minutes or so, then it was back to work. Kids are home now, he's still sleeping and I still have so much more work to get done... the chaos continues!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Stayed on track today, even with so many distractions and so much to do.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
How to Improve Yourself Right NOW (and Why)

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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Jagliana said:
I believe that the probable cause, in his case is that, the/his c*ck wants, what the/his c*ck wants and if it's not completely satisfied with what it has at home, it will constantly be seeking out the thing that really gets his juices flowing - which, I know, for him, is just not me. However, he just keeps telling me that what I am saying is not true, that he wants and desires me . . . which I believe is either deep seeded denial on his part or he is just trying to convince me enough to "keep me happy" because he is content with everything else that we have right now: love, intimacy, connection, etc and doesn't want to risk losing it - I just don't know. For instance, I saw guys ogle me today and even though I can't stand oglers, I can see the "want" and the "desire" in their eyes when they look at me, which is exactly how Wade always looked at 'them', his primes for years because that was who he actually physically always wanted and I don't think you can rewire that away.
Click to expand...
This has been on my mind so much lately. I know you write about this a lot, but for some reason, when I saw you put it this way this time I just burst into tears. I couldn't even bring myself to push the "like" button. Why can't they understand how empty their reassurances and "you're beautiful!"s are? I finally asked my husband to never say it again because it instantly put me in an angry mood and prompted a barrage of negative internal dialogue. He thought it would boost my self-esteem, but it only made me want to scream at him to shut the f up!
 
Susannah said:
This has been on my mind so much lately. I know you write about this a lot, but for some reason, when I saw you put it this way this time I just burst into tears. I couldn't even bring myself to push the "like" button. Why can't they understand how empty their reassurances and "you're beautiful!"s are? I finally asked my husband to never say it again because it instantly put me in an angry mood and prompted a barrage of negative internal dialogue. He thought it would boost my self-esteem, but it only made me want to scream at him to shut the f up!
Click to expand...

I know what you mean, I'm sorry that we both have to feel this way. It is the most excruciating position and feeling to have. I try to express it on here from time to time, but I feel like even words don't do it justice. I just wonder if it's something that can ever be 'moved on' from?
 
DAY 437:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Resentful | - | Amused
Partner: Calm | Loving | Content
Professional: Overwhelmed | Rushed | Relieved
Person: Anxious | Exhausted | Free

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Healing.
2) Self-care.
3) Walk and Talk.
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Last night, we were both in a lot of pain (back pain) so we didn't talk much, we just laid there, mumbled a little... a few rants here and there, updates about our day, etc, some cuddling and then he was off to work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Growing Beyond Self Limiting Beliefs That Are Holding You Back”, in this episode, various motivational speakers encourage you to grow beyond those self-limiting beliefs. Remember, who you are today is NOT who you have to be tomorrow. Although, a lot of times, it does feel like you are stuck, especially when triggered.

This morning, we went for our walk, in the bitter cold! we listened to Jay Shetty's podcast "3 Reasons I Became a Monk for 3 Years" which gave us a little insight into Jay and what made him decide to drop everything and become a monk when he pretty much was living the American dream. His main reason? he wanted to learn how to master the mind, he wanted to learn how to master himself, and in his opinion, there’s no greater master in that thought process...than the monks. His suggestion is for everyone to find them purpose and follow it, your true passion, what makes you happy. His tips for this are 1) Find a mentor and learn from them, observe and watch (just be careful who your role models are - make it about their values, not their valuables). 2) Make decisions based on more than money or ego and 3) If you are struggling with a big decision, treat it like an experiment, you don’t have to go all in immediately, test it out for a day, a week and see if it's something that works for you. Another important step he mentions is service for others, his quote “You either discover your talents and use them for others...or you start helping others and then you’ll discover your talents.” - Jay Shetty. It was a good podcast. As we were nearing our car, a woman was coming out of her house in yoga pants, I instantly got triggered and it sucked. When we got in the car, I asked him if he slipped. He said he saw her but kept looking up and away to be sure not to slip... I don't know about that, either way, I got triggered and it sucked.

Then during the afternoon I continued working on my project and listened to multiple podcasts, all of which were GREAT and I'll post about them all later. One that really sparked me was a Relationship Theory one, it was called "How to Value Connection over Everything" where Tom talks about his attraction and how, like me, he is able to turn off his 'attraction' to other people, when he is with someone. Like whoever is his person, that is his priority and at that point, he is able to turn off his brain from paying attention or needing to "ogle" anyone else. I thought this was something that only I did, but apparently, there's a science behind it, who knew? he goes into it at around 25 minutes in. He says it comes from the neocortex part of the brain, where you can shut down that part of your brain off. Aggressively, in the same way you can love one sports team and hate another, no matter who the players are or how good looking or talented they may be -- if they are playing for another team, you just ignored them, they no longer exist to you because you are only about your team and your team alone. Finally, someone else on this planet is like me when it comes to this.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Finished all the work I needed to, in the nick of time!:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
Kyle Cease - When the World is Falling Apart, Do This

#Relationships
How to Value Connection over Everything

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 438:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Annoyed | - | Exhausted
Partner: Vulnerable | Connected | Loved
Professional: Creative | Overwhelmed | Relieved
Person: Anxious | Exhausted | Free

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Healing.
2) Self-care.
3) Podcasts.
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Last night, I was in so much pain (back) from working that I was what most people would call "low functioning". So, we barely talked, just laid on the bed a little and then went to watch some TV. After the episode, Wade had to go to work and I couldn't stay up to work further, so I just went to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Live Your Life Without Limits”, in this episode, Steve Harvey gives us some great tips on how to live a life without limits. Remember, you are only confined by the walls you build yourself.

This morning, Wade and I did have a bit of a hiccup because the weather was shitty and based on his tone and reaction, I assumed he wasn't interested in walking at the mall. After some back and forth, he decided he wanted to go to the mall. On the way there, he wanted to finish listening to the Relationship Theory video I had suggested to him and he started listening to at work, "Balancing Intimate Relationships and Ambition". Afterward, he was really excited (and so was I) to discuss it. They cover various topics from can you teach yourself to love someone, supporting each other in every way, depending on your will power and dedication when you are sick and have no motivation, etc. Then one of the big topics they covered which was one of Wade's favorites was the different stages of relationships and building a strong foundation that lasts you a lifetime so that no matter how much you change physically (like a catastrophic accident or aging) it wouldn't matter because your connection is so strong that how you feel about the other person, would not change and your love for them would continue to grow/navigate right along with any changes that come. The other person would believe it's for real and authentic because they feel that connection and have had that security, you've given them no reason to doubt it. He says that is how he feels about us now, that's where he sees us going and when I tell him "what will happen when I get old and wrinkly" and he says "it won't matter to me" -- he is referring to what Tom was talking about here. For normal couples that are connected, that makes total sense to me. When it comes to us though, I rebutted with, Tom and his wife probably don't have betrayal trauma though, so at this moment I can't say that I have that kind of security where I can take him at his word, when he says he finds me beautiful, desires or wants me, so if I move into the next stage with this kind of uncertainty, it's what will stay with me and I will still have plenty of reason to question and doubt his authenticity on that front. In truth, in my mind, if he wanted others when I was at my "peak" youth/looks wise, why on hells earth would it go now go in reverse when I'm old and wrinkly? you know... Tom's wife, she has had no reason to doubt his words when he tells her that she is his type, so if she is in that next stage with him, she can comfortably say that Tom is being authentic because he has never given her a reason to question him, as he has been bluntly honest with her their whole relationship, it was their agreement from the start. That's the frustrating part, because so many years have been wasted for Wade and I, on lies, cheating, secrets, distrust, loneliness, and sadness, I don't know if we have enough time in between these stages, for me to build up enough of that sort of security to bring into the next stage - if it's even possible. I'm worried that I will be stuck with this feeling (and the triggers) of him always preferring others to me, for the rest of my life and it hurts. Anyway, then we talked about the benefits of now being completely honest with each other, no matter how uncomfortable it is, having common interests, having shared experiences together, connecting, etc. It was a great and energetic conversation.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Feeding off of each others energy this morning, which helped me feel better today!:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
Healing Rejection, Guilt & Failure - Psychologist Guy Winch

#Relationships
Balancing Intimate Relationships and Ambition

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 439:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Overwhelmed | Exhausted | Tired
Partner: Content | Calm | Connected
Professional: Creative | - | -
Person: Stressed | In Pain | Free

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Healing.
2) Rigorous Honesty.
3) Good Weather.
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Last night, he knew how much my back was killing me, so he gave me a nice back massage, it was such a nice relief and felt so good - I enjoy his touch very much. I love it when he surprises me with them, I still remember the days when I would practically have to beg him for a massage, then he would even catch an attitude too, like to the point where I would get annoyed just say "forget it" and regret even asking. We had a nice talk too, we thought it was going to be a quick talk but it lasted a bit longer, but we still managed to squeeze in some TV time before he had to head out to work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Figure Out What You're Passionate About In Life”, in this episode, Charlie Houpert gives us the 4 simple questions, that we need to ask ourselves (and answer) in order to help us figure out what we're passionate about. The four questions are 1. What makes you lose track of time? 2. What do you spend money to do? 3. Where do you fear judgment? and 4. What makes your heart race? Remember, our passion is our strength.

This morning, we skipped our walk because I needed to catch up on work and we needed my parents to sit with the girls this evening, so I worked on as much as I could, with the kids driving me banana's and that was extremely difficult but somehow I got a little bit done, not nearly enough as I should have but it is, what it is.

This afternoon, it was one of our Pokemon Go community days. The weather was very nice, so we decided to go to a local park and just walk around there for three hours. Even though there were a few triggers there for me, I don't know if Wade had any slips, I was trying to concentrate on the game (ground myself) and our conversation. We talked the entire time and it was a very good talk and about, well, us. It was about how when we first began recovery, what/who we preferred listening to and why versus now and it is probably because of where we are in our recoveries/relationship. As we learn more, grow and our relationship goals and dynamics change (even with some setbacks/his shame/my triggers), listening to Tom and Lisa/Relationship Theory are much more inspiring and informative for both of us these days. The more we become aware and educated, we are both picking up on certain changes, discrepancies, and issues even with our beloved BAE - who's earlier podcasts really educated us on recovery, but it seems like they didn't actually practice a lot of what they preached in their personal lives/recoveries, but to each their own. It was a very nice evening spent together, I enjoyed it very much.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Loved being in my Capri's again, it was sweet getting compliments from Wade about it too!:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
4 Simple Questions To Find Your Passion

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 440:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Exhausted | Playful | Tired
Partner: Connected | Withdrawn | Anxious
Professional: Creative | Rushed | -
Person: Content | Annoyed | Eager

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Healing.
2) Conversation.
3) Honesty.
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Last night, we did not talk too much, we relistened to Relationship Theory's "How to Value Connection over Everything" the part where Tom explains how he is able to turn off his attraction to other people that he would normally notice or find attractive, much like I have and have always thought I was the only one like this. Wade didn't really understand Tom's breakdown the first time, so he wanted to hear it again. Then Wade began explaining how these days he feels like he is getting there because he no longer has this addiction blinding him, he sees clearly and his focus is on me. Now his attraction, connection, and feelings are all about me and even though he still slips, it is because of his past habits/bad past behaviors that he is still trying to correct. As much as I want to believe him, I don't think this is something he is capable of, turning a complete blind eye - like Tom and me, unfortunately, nor do I think he will ever be satisfied with only "having eyes for me", sort of thing. Because let's have some real talk, often times when he slips, it is not accidental, like "whoa, someone stepped into his peripheral vision and given where his eyes already were, an ass appeared and oops a slip!" - often times, it's a slip, ogle or whatever. He also still has a lot of temptations, meaning he is aware of, even takes the time to think through various rational thoughts to himself, so he is completely mindful of the fact that the woman he sees is attractive (✓) his type (✓) someone he would have definitely ogled in the past (✓) that now he can not objectify her because she is a person or because he wants a happy relationship with his wife etc. So, let's call a spade, a spade - having constant temptations means he is still attracted to many other women, the only difference between then and now is he isn't acting on those urges to ogle hard and objectify/lust, but the urges are still there, just being managed/controlled. Which is very different than what I or Tom are doing, I can notice an attractive man, but I don't have any urge that needs to be fought off, controlled or talked down, because that part is turned off for me, I'm not attracted to that man, even if I can see he is my physical type, there's nothing in me that gets triggered to want to look a little longer or more. That's the difference, that's also why I don't think he can ever stop his temptations/urges either and it could very well be because I am not 'it' for him, no matter how much he is trying to convince the both of us of it. Perhaps if he found himself the one person he truly [physically] wants, desires and really floats his boat, perhaps then and only then would he be able to turn a blind eye to all of the other attractive women around.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Full Power of Self-Belief”, in this episode, Dr. B J Davis tells the story of his own journey toward understanding the full power of self-belief. A former felon, turned doctor, clinical director, and professor, Dr. B J Davis is living proof that our past doesn’t dictate our future. Remember, your past can either define you or refine you. The choice is yours.

This morning, we went out for a walk and listened to BAE's podcast "You Are Not Loving Me Right" which in theory was supposed to be about how Ashlynn and Coby were raised when it comes to demonstrations of love in their households and upbringing. How they ended up bringing those norms into their relationship, for Coby it was touch and Ashlynn it was giving/receiving gifts. Overall, the podcast was decent, it started with Coby talking in the third person about feeling bad a week ago, he said he felt like Ashlynn was not loving him right and he got into a funk about it, so he had to go and see his therapist, who told him to bring it up to Ashlynn. Apparently, his complaint was that Ashlynn wasn't checking off his top two love languages "the right way or how he sees fit", therefore, he felt unloved by her. What a freaking crybaby, ugh, anyway. Brandon chimes in and basically explains that the five love languages are a great guide, but they are not set in stone and there are many other ways somebody shows you that they love you, without always checking off your top two love languages. Coby seemed dumbfounded by this concept and completely amazed by what Brandon was saying, although it was common sense. Then he starts going into "yeah, I guess when Ashlynn makes me and the kid's lunch or does the laundry for us, it's to make my day a little easier and it is to make my day a little easier". I wish this was a live podcast, so I could have typed out "HYPOCRITE" in all CAPS to him, just two or three episodes ago he was so proud of not feeling shame, after Ashlynn took the kids skiing, giving him a whole day to do nothing at home and he didn't even make dinner for them. He was so arrogant and proud about not having shame about it, then he says something like this? like, come on man, ugh. Anyhow...

Then we went to Costco because we had a bunch of crap to get, it was packed up the @$$ there. A lot of triggers for me, everywhere I turned... it seems I can not go anywhere without peace of mind. He did tell me he had a few slips (once we got home) but I mean I could have guessed that, without him mentioning it to me. There was no way, with all those 'primes' served up on a platter for him there, he wouldn't have been tempted to look or slip, I'm not that naive or blind. It was rough for me there, really rough but I had to put on a brave face because my mom and daughter were there, so I put on my 'show' and it seems to have worked. On the inside, I was enraged, going crazy, wanting to rip my hair out and just get the hell out of there as soon as possible.

This afternoon, his parents came over, that was as awkward as it has been in recent months. I continued playing my part, I can't let others know something is wrong or a slew of questions would arise and I'm in no mood to answer.

Now, I'm just waiting for the kid's bedtime, so I can finally watch the premiere that I've waited so long for, Game of Thrones, the final season. I just hope there won't be anything triggering in there for Wade (or myself) because the last time we watched it, he was high in his addiction. I guess we will find out soon, I just hate that I was so excited for tonight and now my mood is soured.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Kept up a good act in front of my parents and his, even though I was triggered the whole day.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
B.J. Davis | Freedom from Self-Doubt

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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Jagliana said:
So, let's call a spade, a spade - having constant temptations means he is still attracted to many other women, the only difference between then and now is he isn't acting on those urges to ogle hard and objectify/lust, but the urges are still there, just being managed/controlled. Which is very different than what I or Tom are doing, I can notice an attractive man, but I don't have any urge that needs to be fought off, controlled or talked down, because that part is turned off for me, I'm not attracted to that man, even if I can see he is my physical type, there's nothing in me that gets triggered to want to look a little longer or more. That's the difference, that's also why I don't think he can ever stop his temptations/urges either and it could very well be because I am not 'it' for him, no matter how much he is trying to convince the both of us of it. Perhaps if he found himself the one person he truly [physically] wants, desires and really floats his boat, perhaps then and only then would he be able to turn a blind eye to all of the other attractive women around.
Click to expand...
You nailed it. Your description of how your brain responds when you see an attractive man matches mine exactly. I know when a man is attractive (or a woman for that matter), but I'm not "attracted" to him. I don't have to fight anything off. I am "attracted" to my husband, period. He, on the other hand, is much like you describe Wade - constantly having to "fight" to not want to seek out others, all the while saying I'm the one for him. If that's true, why is my husband's brain telling him to look for others? I feel the same as you - many times I have suggested to my husband that he needs to just find "the one" so he can finally be relieved of all the struggle. Either that, or he needs to forget about ever being satisfied with just one woman and have the courage to be honest and let me go. He says he is desperate to save our marriage, but I don't think it is fair to trap me in a position where I will constantly have to fight for his attention. It hurts so much. Hugs to you.
 
Susannah said:
You nailed it. Your description of how your brain responds when you see an attractive man matches mine exactly. I know when a man is attractive (or a woman for that matter), but I'm not "attracted" to him. I don't have to fight anything off. I am "attracted" to my husband, period. He, on the other hand, is much like you describe Wade - constantly having to "fight" to not want to seek out others, all the while saying I'm the one for him. If that's true, why is my husband's brain telling him to look for others? I feel the same as you - many times I have suggested to my husband that he needs to just find "the one" so he can finally be relieved of all the struggle. Either that, or he needs to forget about ever being satisfied with just one woman and have the courage to be honest and let me go. He says he is desperate to save our marriage, but I don't think it is fair to trap me in a position where I will constantly have to fight for his attention. It hurts so much. Hugs to you.
Click to expand...

EXACTLY! we just wrapped up a conversation about this. At least I know that I am not the only person who can do this, now I know of three - myself, you and Tom from Impact Theory, so it can be done.
 
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